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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Just can't believe she has children"

63 replies

puzzledbythis · 24/08/2021 14:52

Hi mumsnet - a sneaky namechanger here, of course.

Accidentally overheard this said about someone today.

The context is that someone said that XXX is on leave today due to something to do with her children - and the reply was the subject line.

Not a native speaker, so not completely sure of the implied meaning here. If I directly translate it to my own language, it sounds quite rude, with a hint of "I can't believe someone decided to reproduce with her", unless, of course, when about a very young woman. Not the case here, as it was said about a woman in her late 30s.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 24/08/2021 15:24

If you've only seen them on video chat it's probably something as simple as your home always seems tidy/clean/quiet or that you always look well put together

illuyankas · 24/08/2021 15:25

If you are new to the job and don't know the enough office dynamics to determine that was meant to be a compliment or a dig, than no point in thinking about it.
I think it's normally a compliment.

Gerwurtztraminer · 24/08/2021 15:28

I'd go with, in descending order of likelihood

  1. gosh she's never mentioned she has kids before, she kept that very quiet
  2. wow she's got a great figure/never seems tired /looks great/is so well organised.... for someone with kids (i.e. think how working mums are often portrayed on TV programmes)
  3. she seems very young/old to have a X year old (I worked with women who had children at 15 & 45, so was a bit surprised to find a 34 year old with a kid at uni, or someone my age with a very young one)
  4. she doesn't strike me as very maternal/into kids/wonder what she's like at home...(a friend who announced she was pregnant at over 40 fell into this category - I was most interested to see how she took to birth & motherhood as she was quite physically prim & inhibited and seemed to actively dislike kids up to then!)
Constellationstation · 24/08/2021 15:28

@puzzledbythis

Do you mention your children at work? If not it was probably said in surprise that they didn't know you had any children. It is a new job, I am less than 4 weeks in, so no opportunity to mention anything yet. And haven't seen a single colleague in person other than on video.
With this context I would think you look young and not tired and frazzled! It doesn’t sound like they’ve had that much to go on to make the assumption that you haven’t got children.
spartanthehorse · 24/08/2021 15:30

If I heard it I would interpret it as a compliment. Probably about looking too young and glamorous to have children but also appearing carefree.

Thereareliterallynonamesleft · 24/08/2021 15:34

A guy at work kept telling me he couldn’t believe I had kids (I was a baby faced 28 year old with a 2 year old and a 6 month old at the time). He tried it on with me on a work trip shortly afterwards.

Confusedandshaken · 24/08/2021 15:40

Someone said it to me once when I was on the maternity ward after giving birth. She was one of the junior midwives who had worked as my assistant in her previous career. She kept on walking past my bed and repeating it whilst shaking her head in a bemused way! I felt pretty much the same so it didn't seem odd to me.

2bazookas · 24/08/2021 15:42

Not necessarily rude at all. It could be a compliment, she looks too young to be a mother or just enviably willowy, elegant and carefree.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 24/08/2021 15:58

Do they know that you are in your late 30s?

I look youngish for my age, and I was once in a conversation with a colleague when it became clear (from things that they were saying) that they thought I was early-mid 20s. When I told them my age (37 at the time - older than they were), they nearly fainted. I was shocked, as I'd had no idea people thought I was that young.

If they've only known you a few weeks (and mainly interacted online if WFH), they may think you're a lot younger than your age, hence the shock at you having a family.

ErickBroch · 24/08/2021 16:00

Seems likely they thought you looked too young and were surprised. Most likely a compliment. I have never heard anyone say it in the context you have described in your OP x

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 24/08/2021 16:01

I've genuinely never heard anyone make a remark like this with the meaning you're inferring OP, so please rest easy that it is HIGHLY unlikely to have been nasty.

Squirrelblanket · 24/08/2021 16:14

What's the AIBU here? Confused

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 24/08/2021 16:17

Perhaps it's just surprise at hearing for the first time? One job I had when I was fairly newly married, so quite young, I just didn't think to mention that I was married or talk about my DH. Some people had quite a weirdly surprised reaction when they found out about six months into the job.

sloutside · 24/08/2021 16:17

Don't translate things into your own language and then use that as a basis to decide whether the comment was meant in an unpleasant way or not.
It just doesn't work like that - things get lost in translation.

Bluesheep8 · 24/08/2021 16:18

dialled in into the scrum meeting on my day off, by phone not teams, so wasn't a "named" participant.

Why?

3scape · 24/08/2021 16:21

It sounds like an awful environment if they're gossiping like that in meetings. Probably a bit of a heads up about the "personalities" there.

Polkadots2021 · 24/08/2021 16:24

@puzzledbythis

Hi mumsnet - a sneaky namechanger here, of course.

Accidentally overheard this said about someone today.

The context is that someone said that XXX is on leave today due to something to do with her children - and the reply was the subject line.

Not a native speaker, so not completely sure of the implied meaning here. If I directly translate it to my own language, it sounds quite rude, with a hint of "I can't believe someone decided to reproduce with her", unless, of course, when about a very young woman. Not the case here, as it was said about a woman in her late 30s.

99% sure it means she has an amazing figure and looks breezy/glamorous/unruffled. I'd think it would always be meant positively!
DentonsFringeArnottsWaistcoat · 24/08/2021 16:29

My first thought wouldn’t be that it was mean as I can’t believe someone would reproduce with her. Why did you take it that way?
Agee, generally, in the U.K., if someone meant that they couldn’t believe someone would reproduce with you, they would say that (but maybe not use the word reproduce Wink)

54321nought · 24/08/2021 16:31

Id think it meant

"gosh, she is so well organised, and never looks like she's missed any sleep"

MsTSwift · 24/08/2021 16:33

Usually a compliment as generally accepted truth children ruin your looks and age you

CheeseyMcCheeseface · 24/08/2021 16:35

Yes why?

leavesthataregreen · 24/08/2021 16:44

If I heard this about someone I would assume it meant they always look glamorous, not exhausted, not stressed and over-stretched. I have also heard men say it about women who have regained a youthful figure after having children. It's usually a compliment.

Lindjam · 24/08/2021 16:54

I definitely wouldn't interpret it in the way you have OP, that it means "who would reproduce with her?"

In UK far more likely to be that you look too young/glamorous/composed/tidy to have children. Or simply that they are surprised because you hadn't mentioned it, but given how new you are that seems less likely to me.

I wouldn't dwell on it.

CatJumperTwat · 24/08/2021 16:56

You said you haven't met them in person so was this a Teams message or email you saw? Was anything further said?

MargaretThursday · 24/08/2021 17:04

When I heard someone say that (about someone I know) it was genuine surprise as they'd never heard them mention their child in any shape nor form, despite there being a number of occasions where they would have expected to mention them for a variety of reasons over a few years.