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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want to be a family hotel?

61 replies

Alis1beelbals · 24/08/2021 11:49

we’re in the position for the first time in a few years that we have a spare room! Only problem is the mil is already hinting at oh I can have my own room and your sister (my sil) and family (baby and husband) can all stay and visit
Aibu to feel peeved off that we’re already been considered as a free hotel?
Not sure if relevant but Mil lives two hours away and comes regularly for the day and sil lives a good five hours drive so we only see them once a year
Can’t say I really like either of them ,but it’s my husband’s family and kids grandparent/aunt cousin.
Would you go with it? or put foot down early? And how??? What words are not too harsh ,to decline weekend guests??? I’m not normally confrontational but don’t want to be taken advantage of and husband is way too polite he has a problem saying no to his mum

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 24/08/2021 11:51

Are you never ok with weekend guests or is it just them that you don’t want to stay?

Tiddlywinks10 · 24/08/2021 11:54

Is your husband scared of saying no to you? Does he want to see them?

We live minimum 3 hours from family and I don’t think anyone sees us as free hotel. I get help with dinner prep, they strip the beds at the end; just a little extra laundry.

ChewChewPanda · 24/08/2021 11:55

Why do you have a guest room if you don’t want visitors? A four hour round trip is quite a long one for your MIL to make regularly, in her position I’d really like the option to stay sometimes.

It sounds like your husband is quite close to (at least) his MIL given the frequent visits so yes I think you are being unreasonable. If you don’t want the BIL to come too then don’t invite him though a visit once a year doesn’t exactly sound like he is overstaying his welcome.

Original poster
Alis1beelbals · 24/08/2021 11:55

To anyone really he’s a people pleaser especially to those of friends and family
Maybe to me too!
Unfortunately she doesn’t do anything to help
Nothing at all
It’s like having another child to look after

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 24/08/2021 11:55

Yabu. It’s not that your being considered as a free hotel, it’s more that your mil is seeing that she will be able to visit you and spend time with her whole family more easily if there’s somewhere big enough for everyone.

You can’t say no forever without coming across as rude, so you need to preempt the visits and make them as short and convenient for you as possible. But trying to make your husband tell his mother that she can never visit and stay over isn’t going to work unless you want to create a huge fall out.

DuckDuckGooses · 24/08/2021 11:55

Make it a functional room without a bed! A hobby room? Office? Etc Grin

I'm sure there's always been hotels closer to you in the years they've been driving hours to visit, if they really wanted to they could stay in one of them!

Woeismethischristmas · 24/08/2021 11:59

I’d just use the room, craft room, playroom, office, walk in wardrobe. Tbh it doesn’t sound as if you want guests. Which is fine I don’t want them either. Also it might be the sort of thing people say, we’d love to visit now you have room, but never follow through on.

AmandaHoldensLips · 24/08/2021 12:00

I got treated like a bloody hotel so was glad to downsize to a small house with NO spare bedrooms.

Looking after guests is hard work. It's also exhausting to have to be all jolly and chatty and polite 24/7 when all you want to do is shout "bugger off" and watch trash telly on your own with a big packet of cheddars.

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/08/2021 12:00

You don't have a spare bedroom. You have an office, craft room, reading room (anything really it just needs to take up the space).

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/08/2021 12:03

Depends on how often they plan to visit and stay.
Every weekend? Yanbu.
Every few months? Yabu.
That's what sparerooms are for usually. Family to visit comfortably and cheaply (amongst other things like escaping snoting)

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/08/2021 12:03

Snoring!

isthisareverse · 24/08/2021 12:11

I don't know, in the real world around me it's perfectly normal to have guests staying over and it's easier in a spare room than on a sofa bed in the living room.

It's only on MN that I discovered it was seen as such hard work and unpleasantness by some!

But it's such a non issue. It's not "MIL"s bedroom" for a start, it's a spare room. If she wants to stay over, you need to be available that weekend. Most people aren't, are either busy, or already have visitors.

I wouldn't put my foot down, I would just say "it's not available that weekend", possibly set up a date and invite her ONCE from now to Christmas and that's it.

twoshedsjackson · 24/08/2021 12:20

When my good friend moved to a larger house, she made a point of not filling out the extra room as a bedroom, for similar reasons.
Alternatively, as DH is such a people pleaser, you could make it clear that he pleases his family by doing the grunt work of entertaining - no grand gesture followed by conveniently scuttling off to work., eg your DSIS, DH and baby are coming to stay; can you organise the extra groceries and get the beds made up, please? And if he doesn't, it rather embarrassingly doesn't happen......

godmum56 · 24/08/2021 12:26

Yanbu, your house, your choices.

Zilla1 · 24/08/2021 12:30

Perhaps your DSIL might not want to visit enough if she's 5 hours away so I might not worry too much. If you are faced with a real problem then could you turn it into a home office or play room for DC or craft room or another room that doesn't contain a bed?

LockdownCheeseToastie · 24/08/2021 12:32

Bit unfair on your mil who may well want to spend time with her son and grandchildren. Guessing when you’re a granny you will want to see your son and his kids?! It’s hard work having visitors but important for kids to have a relationship with their grandparents (obv unless abusive).

Lazypuppy · 24/08/2021 12:34

Whats the point of having a guest bedroom if you don't want guests?

GrandmasCat · 24/08/2021 12:35

I think that having a spare bedroom is not the issue here, is having somebody you don’t like inviting other people to stay at your house.

You have a husband problem not a MIL problem. He is the one to sort the thing out especially if none of the guest are helpful or nice.

isthisareverse · 24/08/2021 12:37

@Lazypuppy

Whats the point of having a guest bedroom if you don't want guests?
I couldn't agree more, but in fairness, the OP is talking about a "spare room", maybe she was planning on making it her walking wardrobe or something Grin
isthisareverse · 24/08/2021 12:39

Bit unfair on your mil who may well want to spend time with her son and grandchildren.

she is free to invite them over her own place then!

proudwomansexmatters · 24/08/2021 12:39

I think you're getting a bit carried away with the Thought process at the min OP. You've just got the spare room and your mil is just talking. She's made no plans to stay every weekend or on a frequent basis. We have a spare room too but in reality we don't have guests that much because people have their own lives. We don't begrudge them when they do come.

My mil is also one who doesn't lift a finger. I've learnt that being assertive and giving instructions helps. No point in martyring yourself when she doesn't offer to do things. Ask her to put the kettle on. Ask her to strip the beds. Ask her to bring something for tea because you're busy with work so haven't got time to cook this time. Ask her to pick up a bottle of wine on her way. Ask her to entertain the kids for an hour whilst you do xyz.

My experience tells me that people who are subject to the above do one of 2 things. They either feel included in a way that they really like and it gives them the confidence to offer to do things. Or they genuinely do hold the "I'm a guest and you will wait on me" attitude. In which case they don't feel it necessary to impose themselves on your company again for fear of being given things to do.

You have control over all of this. Don't worry about things that you can't control.

Xyzzzzz · 24/08/2021 12:39

Tbh I don’t like overnight guests either. If I visit someone and stay I book a hotel.

I guess in this case cause it’s your MIL some compromise is needed but I get why you’re annoyed she’s invited herself and an extra 3 people to come and stay. That would annoy me a lot. Depends how often they all plan on visiting.

drpet49 · 24/08/2021 12:44

* Not sure if relevant but Mil lives two hours away and comes regularly for the day and sil lives a good five hours drive so we only see them once a year*

^So you only see your SIL once a year? YABU- it is your husbands family.

memberofthewedding · 24/08/2021 12:46

When I moved alone into a 3 bedroom house various people asked if they could come and stay in my "spare" room. I run a business so the large bedroom quickly became my stock room and the small one my office. I have no spare bedroom and don't encourage overnight visitors. For those that dont drive there are things called taxis and/or hotels.

Mintjulia · 24/08/2021 12:54

I think it depends how often. If MIL wants to come two weekends a year to see her DGCs, that's fair enough, but every other weekend is not. Her assumption that she can offer your home to other family members is presumptuous and rude. Don't people wait to be invited any more?

You could make that spare room a music room or a sewing room and only have an airbed.

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