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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not want to be a family hotel?

61 replies

Alis1beelbals · 24/08/2021 11:49

we’re in the position for the first time in a few years that we have a spare room! Only problem is the mil is already hinting at oh I can have my own room and your sister (my sil) and family (baby and husband) can all stay and visit
Aibu to feel peeved off that we’re already been considered as a free hotel?
Not sure if relevant but Mil lives two hours away and comes regularly for the day and sil lives a good five hours drive so we only see them once a year
Can’t say I really like either of them ,but it’s my husband’s family and kids grandparent/aunt cousin.
Would you go with it? or put foot down early? And how??? What words are not too harsh ,to decline weekend guests??? I’m not normally confrontational but don’t want to be taken advantage of and husband is way too polite he has a problem saying no to his mum

OP posts:

Goldbar · 24/08/2021 12:58

Get your DH to hint that you're having marital problems and so you're sleeping in the spare room. Should do the trick and she'll hopefully shut up about it.

rookiemere · 24/08/2021 12:58

I must be weird too as I like having guests for short periods.

For family reasons SIL and co have started using our house as a base. I have set expectations by not tidying up my desk as much as I would normally and not hiding laundry etc. I'll include whoever is coming in the dinner pot if they want to be, but expect them to help themselves to drinks and breakfast.

It works fine for us but I guess it depends on who your visitors are.

HangingChads · 24/08/2021 13:02

That does sound a bit full on, but maybe try not to panic yet. It might not pan out how you think, they might want to come at an interval that you are happy with. You can always say no if they want to come too soon after the last visit.

reluctantbrit · 24/08/2021 13:05

We always had a spare room but it was never set up as a bedroom.

In some cases it had a sofa bed in it but it was my room to be away from DD/DH so not available unless we had invited guests planned weeks in advance or the odd emergency guest when my friend's boiler broke in winter.

Just make the room to whatever you want to use it for and say that you are not set up for guests all the time.

Abouttoblow · 24/08/2021 13:08

OP says we’re in the position for the first time in a few years that we have a spare room!

Then you see two of the most ridiculous posts I've seen on MN to date:

Whats the point of having a guest bedroom if you don't want guests?

*Why do you have a guest room if you don’t want visitors?

What should the OP do? Knock that part of the house down so she longer has a spare room?

we’re in the position for the first time in a few years that we have a spare room!

muddyford · 24/08/2021 13:08

You should try living on the coast. We found ourselves apparently running a small and unprofitable hotel until we started saying no. Never back to back visits but at least a week between. Don't change your routine too much. Insist they bring the car (no collecting from railway stations). If they offer help or paying for some shopping or entertaining themselves, yes to all that.

Jumpingintosummer · 24/08/2021 13:22

We once lived a distance from family, mil would book flights for a visit every time DH was off work- summer, September, October, Christmas, February, Easter, May weekends… plus occasional weekends in between. Our marriage almost didn’t survive. She would book without asking and once tried to demand we cancel a weekend away for our wedding anniversary as she had a flight , another time she demanded we tell other guests not to come as she had booked. In the end we had a complete showdown and it was most unpleasant.

Set boundaries, remind her you will still be visiting DH’s hometown too.

Garfunkle · 24/08/2021 13:45

I guess it depends what they have in mind. I wouldn’t object to in laws staying one or two nights a couple of times a year. I wouldn’t want them every month - or extended stays ever!

WildfirePonie · 24/08/2021 13:48

Use it as a bedroom for yourself.

DrSbaitso · 24/08/2021 13:51

I thought the point of a spare room was so that people could stay over.

DespairingHomeowner · 24/08/2021 13:55

Just ask her to discuss with you before making plans to visit - I think a lot of people TALK about visits, but prefer staying comfortably in their own home!

Decide in your head how much you'd like to see of MIL /SIL and if their requests become more than that, then have a conversation. Also, sometimes people visit once or twice when its a new house then don't after that

Divebar2021 · 24/08/2021 13:58

I don’t think it’s shocking that family members would like to visit. I think it’s unfair describing your DH is being a “ people pleaser” by being OK with it… maybe he actually wants to hang out with his family. I know any of my friends or family are welcome to stay at mine. As long as DH gets stuck in with the arrangements I think your attitude is a bit shit.

Macncheeseballs · 24/08/2021 14:01

I'd love to have a spare room that people can stay in

doodleygirl · 24/08/2021 14:03

YABU and miserable

Macncheeseballs · 24/08/2021 14:04

Having family to stay does not equate to being a hotel. Have you never stayed in anyone's House?

thing47 · 24/08/2021 14:07

I don't think you can really ban DH's mother from coming to stay, that would be unreasonable.

But if she is more of a hindrance than a help, you are perfectly entitled to only have her to stay when DH is going to be around so he can deal with her. In your position I would make it clear to DH that he can't be at work or pursuing a hobby on a weekend when his mother is visiting.

Ijustreallywantacat · 24/08/2021 14:12

If its every weekend I could see your point I guess but otherwise I think yabu. Getting yourself in knots over the people that you see regularly anyway might stay over. How blessed you are to have people that are excited to see you and love you. Shame you can't see it. Just say no on the occasions you really can't handle it.

hellcatspangle · 24/08/2021 14:20

I thought the point of a spare room was so that people could stay over.

So if someone has a couple of kids in a three bed house and they grow up and leave home, that person should downsize to an one bedroom place if they don't want guests?

People can use spare rooms for anything they like, they don't have to have weekend visitors.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/08/2021 14:27

Would be interesting if DHd all around started saying no to their in-laws visiting...

Comefromaway · 24/08/2021 14:27

We have two spare rooms in our new house. Ds who has the smallest bedroom was promised the boxroom as a little music studio. Part of the deal was that his sister had the big double bedroom but he had two little rooms for hinself. I;m currently fitting the other spare room out as a little sitting room for me with books a dressing table, cross stitch etc. It has a sofa bed and I'm very willing to put friends from the other side of the country up once a year but it's def not a bedroom.

BiddyPop · 24/08/2021 14:28

That sounds to me like (D)MIL plans on 4 people sharing the one spare room? (Or does she have other plans involving booting you and DH to the couch while she gets your room, or similar?)

Our "spare" room currently has the twin guest beds back to stacked (1 slides under the other) so only 1 can be used. There is a desk where the other used to be, covered in computer equipment, an extra bookcase, a spare wardrobe full of clothes, and various other detritus filling the space. I have room for my office chair and nothing else. And use the desk on average 10 hours per day M-F, and Sat mornings, and usually a few other hours over the weekend. If I DO get some free time, I clear off the worst of computer stuff and take out my sewing machine on it. (And I regularly use the spare bed myself as menopausal hot flushes keep hitting at 4am, so I take myself off to toss in peace and not disturb DH every night as well....).

So we don't actually have space for visitors.

BiddyPop · 24/08/2021 14:31

And a spare ROOM does not immediately equate to being a GUEST BEDROOM. There are lots of other uses I would put the rooms in my house to if I didn't have to house the other 2 living here...and even at that, I would only have a vague ability to accomodate a guest, certainly not a permanently ready guest room.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/08/2021 14:33

No one needs permanent ready guest room if you don't host all the time.
Mine is an office which would take 15 min to make into small guest room with a folding bed dragged in. It's just using imagination.

OlivePenderghast · 24/08/2021 14:35

I think your mil is just getting carried away. Now you have a spare room I’m sure she would want to stay (not too regularly and only when you agree). I think maybe she’s just imagining that your sil and family would want to stay at the same time though. That would be 3 people in the living room exactly the same as it would be if you didn’t have a spare room. I’m sure your sil wouldn’t want to do that so wouldn’t worry too much.

LadyFannyButton · 24/08/2021 14:36

maybe she was planning on making it her walking wardrobe or something

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