To feel like this as a SAHM

[kickingmyself123]

I was a SAHM until DS was about 18 months and it never bothered me. I got a part time job and enjoyed it (it was only about 8-16 hours a week) I enjoyed meeting people again. I lost the job due to COVID and I'm now pregnant.
I feel like I've got nothing to live for. Everyone else seems to have their lives and jobs to get on with and I'm in the same 4 walls day in day out, feel like I never have anything to say and just feel like I'm pointless really. Also hate having to ask DP for money for things for myself like clothes or getting my hair done.
It wouldn't be too bad if I wasn't pregnant as DS starts school soon so I could've looked for a job within school hours, but the only person who can look after DC is my dad who is 70 and still working and I don't feel it's fair to expect him to look after a newborn (he loves DS now he's older but he's not great with babies) I know we could get childcare but I don't like the thought of her going into it really young.. not before 9-12 months anyway.
I feel so jealous of my friends who are working. They all have bigger houses or brand new kitchens and sometimes I think that's my fault we don't have these things as I don't work.
Anyone else feel this way?

I don't have personal experience of being a SAHM and I don't want to trigger the WOHM vs SAHM debate as that way madness lies.

But its very clear to me that you would be much happier going back to work when you can. And to be honest, you can't have it both ways. If you want to go back to work and being at home is making you miserable, you have to make peace with childcare.

It's understandable that you struggle with the idea of leaving a little one with a nursery - everyone feels like this -- and it will be tough initially.

But I've rarely come across a post from someone who so clearly needs to get back to work. Your DC will be fine and will thrive in a good nursery or childcare setting. You will be happier and a better mother for it, you will have more money and your self-esteem will be higher. What's not to like about that?

I feel so jealous of my friends who are working

But you could have gone to work too but have chosen to have another child instead and not use childcare. Millions of parents don’t have free childcare on tap so pay for it to work rather than simply not work.

If you want a career you can but you’ll need to use childcare as school hour term time only jobs are rare.

Oh OP sorry you feel like this. Was your new baby not planned? It doesn't matter if it was or not I guess. I've only just got the one and they're only 4 months so I'm still enjoying it all, but I am starting to get a little bored /lonely as we're in a new town and family is the other side of the country. I'm probably too traditional for your liking but I see my purpose as a mum. And I see it as the most important purpose anyone could have. But I do get it that it can be monotonous at times. Have you thought about about volunteering somewhere like an animal shelter or with others who are less fortunate? Xxx

There’s a helplessness to your post which is a bit confusing.

Presumably you chose to have another baby? If you are in a relationship adult enough to have children and a life together then your should have access to money too. You shouldn’t be ‘asking’ for money.

You can’t have it both ways - if you want to work you need to use childcare. It’s the payoff.

To add... I really want a new kitchen but not over the time spent with my DC xxx

I don't think think the kids care about new stuff for the house xx

If you want to try and go back to work part time great. If that isn’t an option the sahm that seem most fulfilled are those that do things such as volunteer work, focus on doing fun stuff with their kids if our of school, find ways of meeting other Mums to do stuff with, are into cooking, have a hobby, go to the gym a lot. One of my closest friends is a sahm and she is the busiest person I know. You just need to find your focus.

I felt like that on maternity leave. I couldn’t wait to get back to work. I love my routine and the feeling I am earning money to do nice things and look after my family is very satisfying.
I think the best thing for you would be to look for a part time role either now if you have enough time before having baby. Or if not enjoy your time with baby and look to return to work once baby is around9 months. When you have something to work towards it makes you feel better as the situation in your mind is not forever. You are definitely not stuck, and can change things.

@Petal2021

I don't think think the kids care about new stuff for the house xx

It's not just the new stuff for the house though is it?

The OP clearly struggles with a sense of purpose and identity as a SAHM. She says her life feels "pointless".

Some women really embrace being at home with kids full time. This one clearly hasn't and is struggling with a sense of who she is without a job. In this scenario, and when she can afford childcare, it seems a no brainer to me that she should go back.

I've been a sahm and totally get what you are saying. I think if you plan to go back to work when the baby is 12 months you will feel better...just because you are currently a sahm doesn't mean you have to be one forever. Unless that's what you want. In the meantime what about finding some temporary work whilst you are pregnant? Or doing some online training in something? Just to give you some focus whilst your child is at school/you are waiting for baby to arrive (depending on how far along you are)

I also think you need to make peace with using professional childcare. I totally understand as when I was looking to return to work I was trying to avoid using any...it's incredibly difficult to do that and you limit your options. There are loads of positives to using nurseries/childmindees too.

Firstly, don't be jealous because your friends have bigger houses and have new kitchens. It's meaningless. Even complete wankers can have big houses and new kitchens. It's nothing to be jealous of.

Thank you all, I am reading and taking in your advice. I'm due in 5 weeks so I can't really do anything until I give birth now, plus I've had an awful pregnancy with sickness which I don't think has helped matters

It's not just the new stuff for the house though is it?

My response was to her saying she feels guilty xx

There are very few jobs with school hours unless you go part time or are qualified in a profession you can wfh, or take contract jobs.

I’ve done both: SAHM and FT working mum. I much prefer the former as you can be your own boss. Raise your kids without worrying about finding childcare for school hols and half terms and inset days. No guilt if they hate the childcare.

When I was FT it was such a rush to get everyone dressed, washed and out the door on time. Then I had a long commute, stressful day and by evening had no energy left for my family. All my energy was being sapped by work.

Now all my energy is focused on DC, DH and the house. I treat caring for them as a job, get up early, dress nicely and have chats with other mums before and after school (you can’t do that when they’re in wraparound care).

If I wasn’t a SAHM now DH wouldn’t have been able to take the job he wanted (which is a massive step up salary wise) because the hours and travel meant he couldn’t commit to drop offs or pick ups. So I see my job as ‘work’ too. And he appreciates it. We have a joint account plus separate accounts and he tops up mine with what I would have earned at work (minus the chunk I paid towards the bills and mortgage). So I don’t have to ask him for money, unless it’s something big and then we’d discuss it anyway.

I’ve also done a bit of locum work since becoming a SAHM as it fits in with school hours and pays well.

Also a lot depends on your DC. Some love the stimulation and business of childcare, others just want to come home and relax. Especially after school, when they’re more tired and don’t know most of the kids in after school club. Nursery’s easier as the children all seem to get picked up at the same time.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I can totally relate. I had been sahm with my first one for almost 2 years, really enjoyed it and then decided to have another one. Just before she was born I suddenly thought how much I missed adult conversations and contacts. Just like you, I felt like everyone else was doing something meaningful and I was just waddling around singing nursery rhymes for the foreseeable future. Obviously there was not much I could do at that point!

You said you enjoyed being home with your first one, there's absolutely no reason you wouldn't enjoy it again! Your first one is starting school so you can have lovely days with the newborn and then be there for your first one after school, he'll be knackered so it's definitely a bonus for him to be able to come home and be with mummy.

And when you feel like it, you can go back to work! You did it once, you know you have some good recent experience and you will find something when it suits you and your family.

I really regret not being able to enjoy the baby time with my second DD (lots of reasons, I didn't have a childcare for the 2 year old, had PND and then all these thoughts about not being worthy and feeling lonely, such hard time). I really hope you can! Good luck.

Thank you everyone for you kind words. Xx

Your*

Also hate having to ask DP for money for things for myself like clothes or getting my hair done.

You should not have to keep doing this. Either:

• Apply for benefits you are entitled to, such as child benefit, universal credit etc.
• If DP earns too much money, then you need to set a budget and he needs to transfer you money every month without you having to ask for it.

Consider that you'll go back to full time work when the youngest starts school. I did; my daughter and I both had backpacks on as I went on a course then straight into a job by Christmas.

Then start prepping a bit for what skills you might need. Do free online courses. Coursera has hundreds.

Then knock the 'asking for money' thing on the head. Either he puts money in your account so you don't have to ask, or you just use a joint account or a credit card he pays off, whatever works, but having to ask for money is soul destroying.

Why do you have to ask for money? Don't you have access to joint funds?
I'm really sorry you feel so low but I think you will struggle to get a job with school hours as they are like gold dust.
Tbh I think you need to wait until your baby is born and see how you feel. Late pregnancy is tough. Once the baby is here you can decide if you want to go back to work and put your baby in childcare or you don't want to use childcare and wait longer to go back to work.
I'm biased because I have to work part-time and I absolutely hate it. I'd love to be a SAHM again but can't afford it.
Looking at it like that you are quite lucky to have the choice. What is it exactly that puts you off using childcare?

Also hate having to ask DP for money for things for myself like clothes or getting my hair done.

As others have said, this is a major problem. I'm a SAHP and have full access to all the family finances (as my husband did when I was the breadwinner). Talk to your partner about this, there's a lot to unpick in the way that you're feeling but this bit of it could be solved quite easily.

I didn’t but technically I wasn’t a SAHM - I was on maternity leave. As a result my time at home with each of the kids was limited and precious. Knowing that it would soon end - whether I liked it or not - was a good motivator to enjoy it while I can.

So I am going to give you a date. The 22nd August 2022. It is a Monday. I want you to plan to go back to work then. Tick. Tick. Tick. That day is getting closer. Make the most of being at hole while you can - in less than 12 months you are going back to work until you are 68!

@Mumoftwoinprimary I actually really like that way of thinking, having a set date in mind for going back to might help me to appreciate the time at home once baby is born and help me to see it as a privilege rather than a life sentence. 22nd august 2022 it is!

Thanks everyone. I won't be able to claim for any benefits other than hopefully maternity allowance (I don't think I earned enough to qualify for SMP but my employer is useless and is taking ages to give me a response) for everything else DP earns too much (he doesn't earn loads, just too much for benefits)
He puts £150 in my bank each month for me to spend on what I like but then anything else I have to ask or I buy it and he puts the money in my account. I have asked if I could have a card for his account or a joint one but I am terrible with money, I do overspend and he says the thought of me being able to spend from an account that pays the mortgage worries him and I suppose I can see his point.

£150 doesn't seem like much. Do you get by on that ok?