To feel like this as a SAHM

[kickingmyself123]

I was a SAHM until DS was about 18 months and it never bothered me. I got a part time job and enjoyed it (it was only about 8-16 hours a week) I enjoyed meeting people again. I lost the job due to COVID and I'm now pregnant.
I feel like I've got nothing to live for. Everyone else seems to have their lives and jobs to get on with and I'm in the same 4 walls day in day out, feel like I never have anything to say and just feel like I'm pointless really. Also hate having to ask DP for money for things for myself like clothes or getting my hair done.
It wouldn't be too bad if I wasn't pregnant as DS starts school soon so I could've looked for a job within school hours, but the only person who can look after DC is my dad who is 70 and still working and I don't feel it's fair to expect him to look after a newborn (he loves DS now he's older but he's not great with babies) I know we could get childcare but I don't like the thought of her going into it really young.. not before 9-12 months anyway.
I feel so jealous of my friends who are working. They all have bigger houses or brand new kitchens and sometimes I think that's my fault we don't have these things as I don't work.
Anyone else feel this way?

You need to put child in childcare at six months and go earn your own money
Who buys food etc? Nappies? A,day out?
If you are a partnership get a joint account

@pecanmix I haven't had to yet as I've been getting extra from my job/furlough. I'm really stressing about how I'm going to manage on just £150 a month to be honest x

@Embracelife He buys food and nappies, I'll do the odd top up shop here and there. We don't really have days out recently as I've been so ill with the pregnancy but he would pay if we did x

I feel the same, I've been looking for a job for 2 months now and it's making me feel even more worthless.

How about doing an online course to help you progress? You’re probably feeling mentally under stimulated as well as craving having a role at work and some financial independence.

You shouldn’t have to ask him for money. You should both have the same amount of discretionary spending money. I understand not wanting the discretionary spending fund to be the same one that covers the mortgage. One good solution would be 3 accounts, one for household and child related expenses and then separate accounts for each of you for things that you designate as appropriate to that budget (note the expenses of watching the kids all day or buying their clothing or toys does not come out of your equal budget, those are parenting expenses, not personal).

He is only able to work because you are taking care of his children. You can either take the family joint money philosophy or you can start charging him for child care and make it explicitly transactional, but either way his wages are also your wages right now.

@pecanmix

£150 doesn't seem like much. Do you get by on that ok?

I suppose it depends what is affordable for the family.

If we're talking about money that is available for adults to spend on non essentials, it's the lowest priority and you just have to share what is left after you've paid all essential joint costs including annual and irregular essentials like insurance, car MOT and repairs etc, and put money aside for emergencies and irregular costs like holidays, Christmas etc.

Obviously adults will need a certain amount of clothes, but £150 is plenty to cover that and you can manage on far less if you need to, you just need to be mindful in what you buy. Some people won't even have this amount that is totally spare, and obviously others have far more.

Second what @Driftingblue says about making sure you don't fall into the trap of paying child or household related costs out of your spending money and also putting money into different accounts for different purposes. Maybe also have a 'household essentials spending account' for things like groceries, that is separate from the account that pays the direct debits?

OP, even if you aren't earning money, obviously you are contributing to the household by providing childcare etc, and you could also help stretch the budget by shopping around, cutting costs, and perhaps changing your attitude to money if you have a tendency to overspend? If you've bought lots of things you don't use, could you sell any of them?

Maybe have a look at Moneysavingexpert? Look at the weekly emails and see what tips you can pick up or explore the site further?

Why is he doing the food purchasing? Being a SAHP means running the household up to a point and budgeting for it will help you improve at money. If he earns enough for you not to get child benefit he earns enough to give you a set sensible amount for your to budget the household on, it's a life skill you need to practice. Who buys the children's clothes? Toys and treats for your little one? As well as cleaning products? Etc. Etc.

If you are poor at budgeting £150 is paltry. It's been a learning curve for me, and some months ago I sat down and worked out what I was spending on and found that the budget wasn't enough to cover the essentials so no wonder I was overspending and then feeling crazy for having to ask for more money, I could then speak to my husband and we adjusted the "house keeping" to suit.

Also do you worry about your pension? I did and setting up a private one on a direct debit has helped me feel more secure.

Your partner is giving you pocket money and treating you like a child, absolutely fine not to have joint access if it's a risk for you to overspend (I am the same) but you need to be able to have enough to do your job, and being a SAHP is a job, to give yourself a sense on control and esteem in the here and now.

I can never understand it, when women say they are bored when being a Sahm, as it's a good thing to have the early days with your children, instead of putting them in various child care situations. It all sound a bit whiney to me, as you may as well not have any children. and just go to work, and speak to people, and have the money to have a new kitchen, and all and sundry etc etc,.

I meant feeling crap not feeling crazy!

@1forAll74 I don't think that is fair, the realities of having and raising a child are for more complex than we are led to believe and I say that as someone who is a SAHP by choice. You could question why she decided to have another child, but it's a bit pointless when the baby is on the way and there are a whole variety of reasons why people have another, including the desire for siblings for existing children etc. Also a bad pregnancy won't have helped her mental health. With the state of things in the world at the moment , I can totally understand the OP feeling very low and pregnancy hormones won't be helping!

OP, you sound very infantile. In the same post you complain that you have to ask for spending money which is unpleasant , quite understandable given you are an adult and openly admit you can't bentrasted with a card given you regualry overspend. It must be quite a burden for your husband to be solely responsible for both earning and spending money to the extend that he has to do food shopping as you can't be trusted.
I understand it might be daunting not to have your own job, however you need to start looking at the situation like it is inevitable and you had no choice. I am not being nasty, but you chose to spent 18 months on maternity leave. It is not what most people do. You then chose to have another baby. Now you also have a choice once the baby is born. You can look for a job. People do sometimes start when the baby is just several month old. I am not advocating you should do it, but it is important to realise it is a choice. Lots of people don't have access to benefits, childcare support from family and they still work. You can do it too

He is only able to work because you are taking care of his children. You can either take the family joint money philosophy or you can start charging him for child care and make it explicitly transactional, but either way his wages are also your wages right now.

Sorry but these posts always pop up and they’re frustrating to read. Of course he would still be able to work if OP also did, they would just pay for childcare like millions of other people do. In the vast majority of cases a SAHM is not facilitating the working parent’s ability to earn, to anything like the degree some posters on here like to state. And if she starts charging him the going rate for childcare presumably she’ll also pay her bills got literally every living and household expense? Being transactional works both ways. SAHM is a perfectly valid role but it is irritating when people on here laud it as the only reason anyone can ever work. It’s not, and is actually very expensive for the person funding it compared to paying half a childcare bill. That’s not to say it can’t be a great decision but be realistic about its value.

OP you say DP so assume you’re unmarried? That puts you in a very vulnerable position. Is he paying into your pension?

I don't understand why you are just sitting in your four walls doing nothing, surely this is an insane waste of time. Enjoy the time! Paint the house, plant the garden, make the most of your time with your other child, long baths and relaxation, make plans for the next six months so you are organised, catch up with family and friends. Join a prenatal group and make new friends. It strikes me you are miserable because you are missing so much of the joy of what it feels like to be free from work.

It is a privilege to spend the early days with our children, and if you do not feel that way I am wondering why decided to have a second child op?

Your envy about other people's kitchens comes across as shallow. Raising a well rounded, educated, compassionate child is priceless. We don't tend to think about kitchens on our death beds, we tend to value our children, families, memories and a life time of love and care.

That is not to take away the value of working, but to hanker after kitchens seems really odd.

OP have you posted about this under another name last week? I feel like I've read a very similar thread where the OP was crap with money and her DP gave her £150 a month?

@namechange30455

OP have you posted about this under another name last week? I feel like I've read a very similar thread where the OP was crap with money and her DP gave her £150 a month?

This, and also that you’d chucked your clothes out and couldn’t afford to replace them on the 150?

Op having dc and being trapped is hard.
I've waited 14 years for a new kitchen literally as dd is about to turn 15.
Im so glad I prioritised her childhood not the kitchen and I was a sahm.
It's all gone so fast!

WHhat more important use of your time is there than raising your own ddc!O

No one else will love and care and know them like you.

What it sounds like you need is more balance.

Can you look at a child minder for a few hours? Nursery but for a few hours so you get a break etc... Join classes and group to get out

Meant to add you should not be asking for money need joint account or money transfer over.

Sounds like you need to go back to work, OP. Your dc will be fine, and happier for having a happy mum.

"I feel like I have nothing to say" - but why do you think working would change this? If you're meeting up with friends do they do nothing but talk about their work? Most don't in my experience, they will at some point say "how's working going" but will talk about a billion other things too.

If you want to work then work. And in the short term sort out a joint account and get your head around the idea of family money rather than your husband giving you some of "his" money.

But a sense of purpose doesn't just have to come from work, it can also come from volunteering, or study, or learning yoga or hundreds of other things.

It sounds like you do need to go back to work or start a weekend hobby and let your partner babysit. But some things stand out for me as off. The money situation and the fact that you're not married. He holds all the cards and your life is on hold for your family.

I have no experience of being a SAHM, only of 1 year maternity leaves, but we have a joint account and I have as much access to money as my husband. Under £40 a week isn't very much to get by on and entertain two kids on, plus do top up shops!

@Iwonder08

OP, you sound very infantile. In the same post you complain that you have to ask for spending money which is unpleasant , quite understandable given you are an adult and openly admit you can't bentrasted with a card given you regualry overspend. It must be quite a burden for your husband to be solely responsible for both earning and spending money to the extend that he has to do food shopping as you can't be trusted. I understand it might be daunting not to have your own job, however you need to start looking at the situation like it is inevitable and you had no choice. I am not being nasty, but you chose to spent 18 months on maternity leave. It is not what most people do. You then chose to have another baby. Now you also have a choice once the baby is born. You can look for a job. People do sometimes start when the baby is just several month old. I am not advocating you should do it, but it is important to realise it is a choice. Lots of people don't have access to benefits, childcare support from family and they still work. You can do it too

I think its insulting to call someone who is obviously struggling "infantile".

If you think she is infantile and I would say she just feels trapped - maybe its related to the fact that her partner treats her like an infant: ie won't trust her with money and makes her ask for it. If she is bad with money and people are assuming this then treating her like a child who gets pocket money from time to time when she behaves well won't help her learn to get better.

Lots of people are saying being a SAHM can be rewarding and challenging and they are right but in this scenario, with someone who clearly wants to work, has a partner who treats her like an imbecile and lacks the protection of marriage, then I would say going back to work is going to be the best thing the OP can do.