To feel like this as a SAHM

[kickingmyself123]

I was a SAHM until DS was about 18 months and it never bothered me. I got a part time job and enjoyed it (it was only about 8-16 hours a week) I enjoyed meeting people again. I lost the job due to COVID and I'm now pregnant.
I feel like I've got nothing to live for. Everyone else seems to have their lives and jobs to get on with and I'm in the same 4 walls day in day out, feel like I never have anything to say and just feel like I'm pointless really. Also hate having to ask DP for money for things for myself like clothes or getting my hair done.
It wouldn't be too bad if I wasn't pregnant as DS starts school soon so I could've looked for a job within school hours, but the only person who can look after DC is my dad who is 70 and still working and I don't feel it's fair to expect him to look after a newborn (he loves DS now he's older but he's not great with babies) I know we could get childcare but I don't like the thought of her going into it really young.. not before 9-12 months anyway.
I feel so jealous of my friends who are working. They all have bigger houses or brand new kitchens and sometimes I think that's my fault we don't have these things as I don't work.
Anyone else feel this way?

If you think she is infantile -- and I would say she just feels trapped - maybe its related to the fact that her partner treats her like an infant

This!

@stepupandbecounted I actually did do a lot of those things and quite enjoyed the balance of working a little and then being at home. I painted the entire house over lockdown and used to always seem to be busy.
But a combination of a terrible pregnancy and COVID seemed to pull the rug from under me.
I couldn't go out as couldn't anyone else, I lost my cousin suddenly which I think triggered some form of depression, then when I got pregnant I've been sick all the way through and was scared to leave the house for about 5 months. I'm hoping to slowly get back to my old self once I'm no longer pregnant x

@TheGenealogist I think it's because at the moment I feel like i'm literally not doing anything. Before COVID and this pregnancy I used to be really independent.. I'd go to a toddler group on a Monday, would work Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday would maybe be my housework day, shopping Thursday etc. I had a routine. Then COVID messed everything up including my job, and during the January lockdown finding out I was pregnant and getting severe sickness which I'm still suffering with at almost 8 months just was the icing on the cake.
It was really handy my job too as we live rurally and my job was only 2 miles away and a 5 minute walk from my mums. If I get a job now it will involve travelling at least 30/45 minutes somewhere again.
I suppose when you work you can chat about office gossip, just general things about work, where as at the moment I very rarely leave the house. A trip to Morrison's is a novelty.
I'm hoping I'll be able to slowly rebuild my life once baby is born - taking her to groups, DS will start school shortly before she is born so taking him and collecting will give me a bit of structure, and obviously not being pregnant means I can look for a job too.
I think I'm just struggling to see the woods from the trees at the moment and I'm a bit fogged myself hormones/depression/anxiety about the impending arrival too xx

I can understand both sides of the argument here. I've been a SAHP for 9 years as my eldest was born medically complex and is now autistic so childcare was not an option for him from the start and sadly isn't now, as he hates school enough as it is wraparound would be like torture for him. At times I felt so so frustrated, angry, and trapped by my situation. I often drink wine in the evening to cope with lack of friends, purpose and identity. But at the same time I know how lucky I am, and actually I am proud of myself of how well I've brought up both of my children and given my husband the ability to focus 100% on his career. He has his job, and I have mine. He is a loving dad on his days off, and those are also my 'days off'. I also think you need 'days off' too. Your DP needs to give you that if he already hasn't. If you want a job then that's great, admirable that you have ambition like that while going through a sickly pregnancy! But just keep in mind that having a newborn is a job too...giving birth, recovering, looking after them..in those first few years you are a nurse, midwife, play specialist, chef, cleaner, life admin expert all those skills aren't pointless and are actually very valuable.

When I was pregnant with DC3 my mum and I went to a spa in center parcs (really lovely.. its a whole experience in itself not just any old spa!) And I had some mum to be treatments. It really helped me mentally just to get away and have girly chats and a laugh with my mum before baby arrived. Think I was around 32 weeks. DH had a day off so looked after the older two

I think things will seem better and more solvable when you are feeling better physically, so don't make any drastic decisions right now.

Regarding childcare, if you start looking now you can find somewhere you really like. We found an idyllic Montessori place for DD and I felt no.guilt leaving her at all as it was so nice. She's 8 now and still close friends with a girl she met there.

I get it I'm not cut out to be a sahm week in week out. I had a massive quantity of time with them but it wasn't quality time.

I've gone back to work in my experience of 2 the the younger you put kids into childcare the easier it is as they're easily distracted, not in the toddler tantrum stages and they know no different.

I hope you work something out.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

He is only able to work because you are taking care of his children. You can either take the family joint money philosophy or you can start charging him for child care and make it explicitly transactional, but either way his wages are also your wages right now.

Sorry but these posts always pop up and they’re frustrating to read. Of course he would still be able to work if OP also did, they would just pay for childcare like millions of other people do. In the vast majority of cases a SAHM is not facilitating the working parent’s ability to earn, to anything like the degree some posters on here like to state. And if she starts charging him the going rate for childcare presumably she’ll also pay her bills got literally every living and household expense? Being transactional works both ways. SAHM is a perfectly valid role but it is irritating when people on here laud it as the only reason anyone can ever work. It’s not, and is actually very expensive for the person funding it compared to paying half a childcare bill. That’s not to say it can’t be a great decision but be realistic about its value.

OP you say DP so assume you’re unmarried? That puts you in a very vulnerable position. Is he paying into your pension?

If the couple have jointly decided that one person should be a sahp, then that couple has decided the value of having parent provided child care is worth an entire lost income. Hence, the couple themselves has already placed the valuation on the child care being provided. In that scenario, yes, the working parents wages are joint.

If you have a scenario where one parent refuses to work despite the other parent begging them to utilize child care and get a job, then you obviously don’t have agreement on the value of parent.

@1forAll74

I can never understand it, when women say they are bored when being a Sahm, as it's a good thing to have the early days with your children, instead of putting them in various child care situations. It all sound a bit whiney to me, as you may as well not have any children. and just go to work, and speak to people, and have the money to have a new kitchen, and all and sundry etc etc,.

I lthought it wouldn't be long before the you may aswell of not had any children line was trotted out

[quote kickingmyself123]@TheGenealogist I think it's because at the moment I feel like i'm literally not doing anything. Before COVID and this pregnancy I used to be really independent.. I'd go to a toddler group on a Monday, would work Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday would maybe be my housework day, shopping Thursday etc. I had a routine. Then COVID messed everything up including my job, and during the January lockdown finding out I was pregnant and getting severe sickness which I'm still suffering with at almost 8 months just was the icing on the cake.
It was really handy my job too as we live rurally and my job was only 2 miles away and a 5 minute walk from my mums. If I get a job now it will involve travelling at least 30/45 minutes somewhere again.
I suppose when you work you can chat about office gossip, just general things about work, where as at the moment I very rarely leave the house. A trip to Morrison's is a novelty.
I'm hoping I'll be able to slowly rebuild my life once baby is born - taking her to groups, DS will start school shortly before she is born so taking him and collecting will give me a bit of structure, and obviously not being pregnant means I can look for a job too.
I think I'm just struggling to see the woods from the trees at the moment and I'm a bit fogged myself hormones/depression/anxiety about the impending arrival too xx[/quote]
30-45 min commute is fairly standard though. It sounds like you are feeling isolated, can you try to get out a bit more? On the plus side you've only got 5 weeks to go and once the baby arrives after a few weeks maybe you can start getting out to some groups etc.

I think once the baby arrives you initially will be so busy these feelings will subside more ..and remember if you aren't happy being a sahm that's ok. You can get a job if you prefer, a happy mum is best. I'm sorry about your cousin. It sounds like it's been a rough time for your recently. I wish you all the best for the future X

I think you would be much happier working. I’m a SAHM and have never felt those things. I feel very lucky to have a life which, to me, is perfect.
You clearly aren’t happy with your circumstances so definitely go back to work once you’ve had the baby. You will have to pay for childcare, but so do many people.

Good luck

@Driftingblue I completely agree with you. That wasn’t the point I was really making though - I was objecting to someone saying (as so often crops up on these threads) that the only reason the bloke can work is because she’s a SAHM. Which is patently untrue as evidenced by the millions of working people without a SAH partner. Of course if she is a SAHM with her partner’s agreement then their money should be shared. All this ‘charge him for childcare’ ‘make it transactional’ bollocks is annoying though because it implies that the SAHM is providing a net financial saving for the household and totally overlooks the costs involved of him supporting her every cost in return for her childcare she provides. Which is why I said that making it transactional needs to work both ways with her paying her own mortgage and bills! Anyway it’s a bit of an aside and I don’t want to derail the thread, I just find it annoying when people are completely deluded about the actual financial value of a SAHP.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

Yes, I don’t want to derail either, but I do think it’s an interesting point. I only bring up making it transactional in response to people who completely object to the idea that income is “jointly” earned when having a SAHP is an agreed arrangement. It’s more an exercise in proving the absurdity of the objection than an actual literal proposal. I’m an economist and sometimes forget that not everyone instantly hops in and out of these hypothetical exercises on a regular basis.