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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To not what his ex in-laws in my home?

52 replies

Cannon40 · 22/08/2021 18:14

So I’ve been living with my new partner for 9 months now.
He has had his ex Mother and Father inlaw over twice for coffee both times making me feel uncomfortable in my home. I held my tongue and kept my peace.
Recently however my partner told me that he used to absolutely adore his ex wife (which made my heart twinge I won’t lie.) After this statement he called me by her name a few times and didn’t notice he did it. I said nothing as I wasn’t sure what to say really.
Not long after this his ex sister in-law invited herself to our home to have a nosey and for the cousins to see eachother. At this point I spoke up and asked why the cousins can’t all see eachother when his kids are at their mums as she is his ex sister laws actual sister after all. My partner stated that he couldn’t see why I had issue with them coming here. I explained that I felt uncomfortable with his ex wife’s sister coming to what is OUR home in which I and my children live and why can’t they even go to her house? My kids felt like they would have to hide away in their rooms. He could still not understand why I would be uncomfortable. Anyway the day came and I stated that I would go to my mums when they were here and he said that he really wanted me there. So after a bit of debate I said I would suck it up put a smile on and be pleasant when they were here. He called me sarcastic. I grabbed my shoes and said I was going for a walk. He said maybe you should.
Anyway they came I wasn’t there but I’m still a bit sore about how I was not considered when he made the plans, he could not see why I was upset and that he called me sarcastic when I said I would play ball.
The question is do I have a right to be sore about this or should I have kept my mouth shut in the first place?

OP posts:
Azilliondegrees · 22/08/2021 18:16

It’s unorthodox certainly, and I can see why you would feel insecure, but perhaps it would have been better to meet them and then make a decision.

LavenderPink · 22/08/2021 18:19

Is it his house? Or are you renting together?

Recently however my partner told me that he used to absolutely adore his ex wife (which made my heart twinge I won’t lie.) After this statement he called me by her name a few times and didn’t notice he did it. I think after this I would have ended it.

PieceOfString · 22/08/2021 18:24

He sees them as family, to you they are his link to his 'adored' ex. If he can't see that your perspectives can be very different then he is being a bit obtuse.
That said, if there has been a lot of water under the bridge and this contract in your home is basically orbiting around the children who are their GC, then I think insecurity is okay of the strength of your reaction. But whether he is causing the insecurity (such as by using her name, which may or may not be significant to him emotionally) is another matter.
The dynamic around their visit also makes a difference, are they respectful or behave like you don't exist? Do they mention the ex all the time in a loaded way, do they appreciate your hospitality etc etc.
Of course this is delicate, he needs to recognise that and demonstrate respect for you in front of them, and make your kind welcome in the group, to help with the balancing act that is a complicated family dynamic.
If a balance can't be found, them maybe the visits should happen elsewhere or when you're out.

PieceOfString · 22/08/2021 18:25

Kind welcome = kids welcome

MadMadMadamMim · 22/08/2021 18:25

I would be re-thinking the relationship. It should be the honeymoon period - and he is very clear that he used to absolutely adore his ex and is keen to keep in touch with her parents and her sister.

Whilst this is good for the sake of his children it doesn't feel like he's moved on enough to be in another relationship. I would be moving out. I don't want to feel like the third wheel in my own relationship - and this is what this sounds like. He's prioritising his relationships with his ex's relations over you and your feelings.

iklboo · 22/08/2021 18:29

If he adored her, why is she his ex?

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/08/2021 18:30

Op, is this home owned by you and not dp?

JanisJ · 22/08/2021 18:30

Did you move into his house? Or is this a new house you've moved to together?

girlmom21 · 22/08/2021 18:32

I'd assume he's not over her. How long have they been together?

You're not a priority here. He's prioritising himself and his ex in laws over you.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 22/08/2021 18:33

He shouldn't be putting their feelings above yours. There are plenty of venues they could meet at.
The alternative scenario is he just isn't that into you sadly..

Bananarama21 · 22/08/2021 18:33

Yabu moving in with a new dp when you both have dc after only 9 months has no one considered the dc in this?

PersonaNonGarter · 22/08/2021 18:33

Is this all quite new?

QueenBee52 · 22/08/2021 18:33

You are not his family... He sees all of them as His Family..

You don't have a future with this guy .. sorry 🌸

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 22/08/2021 18:34

Did his ex wife die? I’d accept the visits if she did. And possibly the adore her comment in that case.

If she didn’t and they’re just divorced then I’d be telling them to mix on her time and her house.

Bananarama21 · 22/08/2021 18:35

Let's not forget there's been a pandemic within the 9months period completely irresponsible moving a stranger in when you have dc.

tenterden · 22/08/2021 18:35

What's the living situation?

It doesn't sound like he is over his ex. Why did they split and how long ago?

Seafog · 22/08/2021 18:36

Is this your house, his house, or a house you picked together?

LavenderPink · 22/08/2021 18:36

@TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER

Did his ex wife die? I’d accept the visits if she did. And possibly the adore her comment in that case.

If she didn’t and they’re just divorced then I’d be telling them to mix on her time and her house.

I thought that but OP said:

At this point I spoke up and asked why the cousins can’t all see eachother when his kids are at their mums as she is his ex sister laws actual sister after all.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 22/08/2021 18:36

@Bananarama21 she's been living with her partner for 9 months. It doesn't say anywhere how long they've been together....

lyntheyresexpeople · 22/08/2021 18:37

How long have you been together?

Bananarama21 · 22/08/2021 18:38

Would be interesting to know how long they been together, If it several years its different a year or even 2 when there's dc.

Bythemillpond · 22/08/2021 18:38

I don’t think he can separate his adoration for his ex from his new relationship

I think this is very odd. Imagine you decide to get married would his ex’s family be invited to the wedding?

I don’t think he is over his ex and inviting everyone who is close to her over to his house is just keeping communications open before in his mind he gets back with her.

He will probably never get back with her but he hasn’t moved on and is still stuck in the past.

SunshineCake · 22/08/2021 18:38

Ask yourself why you feel so insecure and threatened when these people could become your friends and his children friends of your kids. Granted he was a prat for saying he adored his ex and you should have told him immediately when he called you his name but you both sound quite silly tbh.

huuskymam · 22/08/2021 18:38

It sounds like he's not over his ex. I'd be re-evaluating the relationship.

LavenderPink · 22/08/2021 18:39

@Bananarama21

Yabu moving in with a new dp when you both have dc after only 9 months has no one considered the dc in this?
They've been living together 9 months but hopefully known each other longer than that. Though he is referred to as a new partner..