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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you think he's too old

93 replies

Takeitback99 · 22/08/2021 15:26

I'm 32 he's almost 48.
Get on well.
Spoke for over a year and have started meeting up to spend time with eachother etc.
Just told my sister today that he's a good friend but we are close and I am enjoying getting to know him. Said he was in his 40s.

She's gone online and said yeah and nearly out if them. Find yourself a toyboy etc. She's making me feel uncomfortable as I really like him and this has already made me feel like he isn't going to slot into my life how I hoped.

Is he too old for me? It seems that extra 3 or 4 years is making eyebrows raise.

OP posts:

icedcoffees · 22/08/2021 19:35

It definitely wouldn't be for me.

I was watching a documentary yesterday about age gaps in relationships - there was a woman in her fifties caring for her partner in his seventies. They'd had kids when she was in her forties, so she was juggling raising tweens/teens and doing personal care for her husband who wasn't fit or well enough to work or help with the children.

She looked so worn down by it all, and was clearly pretty miserable in her marriage. I felt so bad for her.

Before I get jumped on, I know illness/sickness can happen at any age, but by picking a partner 20+ years older than you, you're increasing the risk massively.

newnortherner111 · 22/08/2021 19:49

Seems too old to me. However, the comments from your sister should have been kept between you and her, not online.

BrilloPaddy · 22/08/2021 19:53

DH is 10 years older than me, and I really didn't notice the age gap when we were younger.

Now he's nearly 60 and it's fucking horrendous.

If I knew then what I know now, I'd have run like the wind.

Whatabambam · 22/08/2021 20:01

Yes, he's too old, there's less common ground for plotting your life course together. Plus, older men with younger women have a sense of entitlement. He might trade you in for a younger model at some point.

Fireflygal · 22/08/2021 20:05

@BrilloPaddy, yes this seems to be the common experience. When you are young it's hard to imagine how getting older affects your life - Memory, need for sleep, eye sight, aches & pains, retiring from work,
wrinkles, baldness, becoming a grandparent whereas the other is just enjoying child free time. If one partner is still young then the novelty of an older person can wear off quickly.

HavelockVetinari · 22/08/2021 20:12

@dozydoo

I'm 33, dh is 48, we've been together 15 years, so I think if you get on and like each other, no, he's not too old.

That's creepy - a 33 year old bloke with an 18-year-old?

HopingForOurRainbowBaby · 22/08/2021 20:21

I'm 36 my OH is 54 I don't think it's too old

Rosebean101 · 22/08/2021 20:26

I’m 30 and my dp is 45 and we have been together for 3 years and are very happy together. However I am under no illusion that the likelihood is his health will decline before mine which I do think about but as other posters have said there are no guarantees in life so if you find someone who makes you happy, don’t let that slip away. Happiness is hard enough to find. We don’t want children and from what you have said you don’t want anymore children so to be honest it’s really no ones business. Be with him if he makes you happy. 48 is hardly elderly! Your sister may not like it but she doesn’t have to live your life. Good luck OP

Manzanilla55 · 22/08/2021 20:32

I think good health in later years can run in families so maybe see if his parents are still around and are they keeping well.

In addition quite a few men, more so than women, fail to look after their diet nutrition and exercise needs. Lifestyle and so on. You hear it said a lot.

IcedPurple · 22/08/2021 20:51

Be with him if he makes you happy. 48 is hardly elderly!

But he's not going to stay that age forever, is he?

It's one thing being with a much older partner when he - because it is pretty much always a 'he' - is still relatively young. Not quite so great when the woman is still in her prime years and her husband is an old man, as several posters have pointed out.

user1493494961 · 22/08/2021 20:55

You're enjoying each other's company at the moment so carry on and see how it goes. (Chuckling at the trading you in for a younger model and the poster telling you to check out his parents, not to mention baldness and wrinkles).

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/08/2021 20:57

Not at all. Though you need to understand and accept that if you stay together, you may find yourself in a caring role in later years and he is statistically very likely to die before you.
That said, like minded people gravitate so you may we’ll keep him young 😁

icedcoffees · 22/08/2021 20:58

@HopingForOurRainbowBaby

I'm 36 my OH is 54 I don't think it's too old

I wonder if you'll feel the same when you're 51 and have 15 years of work left, and he's 69 and well into retirement.

Nobranothanks · 22/08/2021 20:59

When I was 32 my DP was 45. We have a young child and I have 2 wonderful teenage step kids.

Age has never, ever been an issue for us In Any way except it gives me ammunition for some light hearted pee taking 😊. He'll hear a song and start prattling off about how I MUST remember when it came out and going to our local club and hearing it...where I will announce with a dead pan face that I was 5 when it was released

On note, age is a number not an identity

Time40 · 22/08/2021 21:00

I think he's too old for you, OP.

Nobranothanks · 22/08/2021 21:00

@Nobranothanks

When I was 32 my DP was 45. We have a young child and I have 2 wonderful teenage step kids.

On note, age is a number not an identity

ON A SERIOUS NOTE

That should say!

Carlislemumof4 · 22/08/2021 21:01

It matters you have younger kids I think, my observation of this scenario with a friend was he quickly became a grumpy sod with the children. Was set in his ways and expected them all to slot in to his life rather than the other way round.

Unless you'd never plan to live together at least until your children are grown up too.

I say don't settle, you're still so young at 32!

NoEffingWay · 22/08/2021 21:03

There's 12 years between dp and myself, but it feels like nothing.
You know yourself best, trust your own judgement.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/08/2021 21:04

Agree with @Carlislemumof4. The fact you have young kids is a big issue. I would not proceed any further

Cryalot2 · 22/08/2021 21:08

To me age is just a number.
If you are both happy enjoy life and sod what anyone thinks. Your life ,your happiness. Enjoy.

hollyhocksarenotmessy · 22/08/2021 21:14

It's OK now, but how about when you are a sprightly 60 year old, still working, maybe with young grandchildren, and he is 76 and probably winding down a bit.

Or when you are 75 and he is 91.

Kite22 · 22/08/2021 22:16

The fact you have both had your kids and don't want anymore, makes the 'stage' a bit closer than your age.
I mean, it wouldn't be for me. I think so many posters have listed all the reasons why statistically it is unlikely to go well - but who knows if you would be the exception.

I think the 16 years between a 32 and a 48 yr old are less concerning than the 15 yrs between a 33 yr old and an 18 yr old mentioned earlier in this thread.

LimaOscarVictorEcho · 22/08/2021 22:21

I'm 33 and my boyfriend has just turned 49. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. You might miss out on something amazing if you don't go for it!

Davros · 22/08/2021 22:23

Too old. My sister is 12 years younger than her DH, she's basically his carer

ChaneySays · 22/08/2021 22:27

Worth getting his testosterone checked as he ages as his sex drive may decrease significantly whilst yours is still strong.

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