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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you think he's too old

93 replies

Takeitback99 · 22/08/2021 15:26

I'm 32 he's almost 48.
Get on well.
Spoke for over a year and have started meeting up to spend time with eachother etc.
Just told my sister today that he's a good friend but we are close and I am enjoying getting to know him. Said he was in his 40s.

She's gone online and said yeah and nearly out if them. Find yourself a toyboy etc. She's making me feel uncomfortable as I really like him and this has already made me feel like he isn't going to slot into my life how I hoped.

Is he too old for me? It seems that extra 3 or 4 years is making eyebrows raise.

OP posts:

helpfulperson · 22/08/2021 16:15

To do that.....

Fairyliz · 22/08/2021 16:26

Don’t do it! I’m in my 60’s as is DH and most of our friends.
The men without exception seem to be old and stuck in their ways. They don’t want to try anything new or change anything.

That’s bad enough as a woman when I am also in my 60’s but would be even worse if I was only late 40’s.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 22/08/2021 16:29

No. You go out with who you want to. You dont go out with someone just because someone else says you're "allowed" to. Just because he isn't in the age bracket your sister or society says you "should" go out with it isn't them who has to go out with him, and you presumably wouldn't let them tell you what else you should and shouldn't do.

Original poster

Takeitback99 · 22/08/2021 16:34

Hi I've got kids. He's got kids but his are adults.
I don't want anymore.
Long term goals are just to be happy. Little holidays in the UK. Nice garden. Family days.
We both like laughing, talking, dog walks, music, comedy, cooking etc.
I am abut aware that he will get older quicker. But I'm thinking right now he's making me really happy so should I see how it goes.
It's interesting to know what others think.

OP posts:

Peanutsandchilli · 22/08/2021 16:35

@dozydoo

I'm 33, dh is 48, we've been together 15 years, so I think if you get on and like each other, no, he's not too old.

So it's appropriate for someone your age to date an 18 year old? I think that's quite disturbing, personally.

Unsure33 · 22/08/2021 16:36

I agree if you don’t want anymore children see how it goes . It is how he is as a person and his attitude to life that counts .

AngryWhompingWillow · 22/08/2021 16:38

@Takeitback99 Yes it is too old IMO.

It may not be that bad/the noticeable now, but when you're only in your late 40s and he is in his mid to late 60s, it's not going to be so appealing being with him.

I would never get with an older man. JMHO.

Fireflygal · 22/08/2021 16:40

I think too old but that's because I'm older and see that you are in your prime. If this is about fun but not long term then fine but I suspect you will regret settling with an older man. My friend has less of an age gap and and in her 40s she is regretting the age difference.

Suzi888 · 22/08/2021 16:49

@DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo

Very much depends, as PPs have said, what you're looking for?

Fun?
Travel?
Children?

In 12 years time, you'll be 44 - he will be 60.

Wouldn't be for me but it takes all sorts.

I personally wouldn’t mind him being older, but if you want children or you are very active it could be a problem perhaps?

MurielSpriggs · 22/08/2021 16:54

It's quite pointless asking us (or me anyway). He might very well be too old. But he could easily be perfect.

Original poster

Takeitback99 · 22/08/2021 16:57

I don't want children with him.
I feel like I need to spend more time with him as right now I don't know for sure if it will be long term for us. We are aiming to stay in eachothers lives. It's just that extra few years and figuring out if it really is a huge risk.

OP posts:

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 22/08/2021 17:33

If you don't want more kids, it could be ideal. One of the issues dating men in late thirties/forties is many still want a family and if you don't that could be a problem. I think true compatibility and love is pretty rare and I'd go off the person myself. If you like them and get on well, I'd go for it.

IcedPurple · 22/08/2021 17:47

@Takeitback99

I don't want children with him. I feel like I need to spend more time with him as right now I don't know for sure if it will be long term for us. We are aiming to stay in eachothers lives. It's just that extra few years and figuring out if it really is a huge risk.

If you don't want children then there's no real risk in giving it a go, is there?

Personally I would never date a man so much older than me. I'm about the same age as this man, and someone your age would seem like a child to me. But I'm not the one considering the relationship, you are. And it's up to you if you can make it work or not. If you are certain you don't want kids - in which case I wouldn't even consider such an age gap - it can't hurt to date him for a while and see how it goes.

ddl1 · 22/08/2021 18:29

Men at that age just bang on about retirement all the time, or sigh at how 'juvenile' or 'immature' everything you like is. It gets really boring really fast.

I've never known anyone at that sort of age to bang on about retirement! In most jobs, he'd have over 15 years to go.

And most people who criticize other people's tastes for being 'juvenile' and 'immature' are rather immature themselves, rather than the opposite!

ddl1 · 22/08/2021 18:33

It should be fine if everything else is good. I hate age stereotypes - you are people, not numbers! it's no better IMO to stereotype people according to when they were born than according to where they were born.

The only thing is that it's important to make sure that you know everything about any exes and children that he has, and what his current responsibilities are.

Good luck to you both!

RosiePosieDozy · 22/08/2021 18:38

I don't think he's too old for you. As long as you have good times together and have lots to talk about, why not just carry on and see where it goes? I don't think you need to get hung up on ages, especially when you don't want more children. Just have fun and don't care what anyone else thinks, as long as you, him and both your DC are happy.

BeaLola · 22/08/2021 18:43

I don't think you should start looking ahead to him needing care when he is in his 80s etc - loads can happen as the last 16 months have shown us

I think the big thing out the way is the children bit which you've answered

And I think the key point is you saying how very happy he makes you right now - that's a lovely thing to be experiencing and who knows it may continue and you'll be together for many many more years equally you may spend more time together , it not work so well and fizzles out.

You said it yourself - he makes you happy - go for it

IcedPurple · 22/08/2021 18:43

It should be fine if everything else is good. I hate age stereotypes - you are people, not numbers! it's no better IMO to stereotype people according to when they were born than according to where they were born.

Well no, because age is a biological fact, which impacts directly on matters such as health, fertility and much else besides.

If age is so meaningless, why don't we see lots of posts from women talking about dating men 15 years their junior? It seems age is only meaningless when the man is older.

Suzi888 · 22/08/2021 19:05

@Takeitback99

I don't want children with him. I feel like I need to spend more time with him as right now I don't know for sure if it will be long term for us. We are aiming to stay in eachothers lives. It's just that extra few years and figuring out if it really is a huge risk.

Love is a risk. There are no guarantees in life, regardless of age.

Chunkymenrock · 22/08/2021 19:10

No such thing as "too old" if you both enjoy each other's company. If you click with someone, you click with them.

Foxmylife · 22/08/2021 19:10

Yes I do Im afraid, I’d end it noe before you get in any deeper.

1forAll74 · 22/08/2021 19:18

It's fine, people say stupid things about age differences all the time. so take no notice of any silly jabbering about this,, You will know how you feel about this person, so just go along with that.

Tal45 · 22/08/2021 19:21

Be happy now is my advice.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 22/08/2021 19:28

As long as kids are off the table, I’d see how it goes. Though tbh I’ve got two friends with similar age gaps and the blokes seem to have gotten old literally overnight.

capricorn12 · 22/08/2021 19:34

My dad was 16 years older than my mum (16 and 32 when they got together which raised eyebrows even then). It was not the happiest of marriages and I think my mum very much regretted it as he never had any time or energy for my siblings and I , was very old fashioned in his outlook compared to her and he declined very quickly once he retired. He became a classic grumpy old man and she was barely middle aged.
When he died I thought at least she was young enough to enjoy her retirement without being his carer but unfortunately she was diagnosed with cancer and she died just 2 years later.
My DH is 49 and is definitely on the slide into grumpy old man territory...if I'd met him now rather than 25 years ago I'd run a mile.

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