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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In feeling like this?

54 replies

Sunshinebuttercup · 22/08/2021 13:57

Recently had a falling out with a friend because I always felt like she never considered my feelings and never asked about me. But even after explaining to her how she made me feel she has carried on. Whenever we chat she never asks any questions about how I am and whenever I try to mention something about me she changes the subject back to herself. For example, she has just had her 12w scan and I said ah I love scans I could have one every week and mentioned I had my 8th scan coming up next week (28 weeks) and I asked if she was going to get one at 16w to find out sex of baby. She said no just sticking to the NHS scans. Then changed the subject to say what she was doing this afternoon! If someone said to me in a message that they'd had 7 scans so far my immediate reaction would be to ask if everything was OK or why they felt the need to pay for that many (it's due to my own anxiety). But she doesn't know this and she has never asked! This is the first time I've told her how many scans I've had and it's not like I go on about my pregnancy because I always wait for people to ask things as I know not everyone is going to be interested but I'd expect a close friend of 10 years to be. She has never once asked how I am throughout my pregnancy and doesn't know any details. But yet I'm always asking her and all of the conversations are about her. I never get anything back. AIBU to see this as a one sided friendship? Or is it just the pregnancy hormones?

OP posts:
SmidgenofaPigeon · 22/08/2021 14:00

No I’m sorry.

You sound like really hard work. Pregnancy doesn’t take over everyone’s life-I say this as a heavily pregnant woman myself.

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 14:02

Maybe she doesn't want to ask in case it puts you on the spot and you feel pressured to tell her your medical details?

Original poster
Sunshinebuttercup · 22/08/2021 14:02

@SmidgenofaPigeon so you've never asked a pregnant friend how they are? Never once asked a non pregnant friend how they are or if they're okay?

OP posts:
54321nought · 22/08/2021 14:02

YABU

Original poster
Sunshinebuttercup · 22/08/2021 14:03

Also @SmidgenofaPigeon I literally said in my original post that I do not speak about my pregnancy unless I'm asked! Because I don't want to be THAT annoying pregnant woman who goes on and on about it to everyone and expects everyone to be interested. All I want is a close friend to show some compassion

OP posts:
SmidgenofaPigeon · 22/08/2021 14:04

Of course I have, I’m sorry if she truly had never asked you. Perhaps she doesn’t need to when you offer up the info yourself? Perhaps she’s having a difficult pregnancy. That wait until the 12 week scan is horrible and I was anxious but I didn’t discuss it with anyone other than DH. Maybe she finds pregnancy quite boring. I do.

Whinge · 22/08/2021 14:05

If someone said to me in a message that they'd had 7 scans so far my immediate reaction would be to ask if everything was OK or why they felt the need to pay for that many (it's due to my own anxiety)

I'd assume something was wrong and you were being monitored regularly to keep an eye on you / baby. I certainly wouldn't ask why, as no one has that many scans for a positive reason.

Original poster
Sunshinebuttercup · 22/08/2021 14:06

@SmidgenofaPigeon nope she has never asked me once. I understand the anxiety. I had scans at 6, 8, 10 and 12 weeks because I was so anxious about that 12 week wait. I completely understand. She doesn't know we are having a girl, doesn't know anything about my life in general because she never asks. Even outside of pregnancy.

OP posts:
emuloc · 22/08/2021 14:06

Maybe your comment about loving scans left her unsure of what to say about that. Is there a big difference in your income bracket maybe.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 22/08/2021 14:07

Agreed, I’d assume there was something wrong physically to have to have that many scans. (Is there?) So I wouldn’t pry.

Original poster
Sunshinebuttercup · 22/08/2021 14:07

@Whinge maybe you wouldn't ask why but surely you would ask if everything was okay? You'd maybe assume it was for a bad reason and not want to ask unless it was offered but it was the fact she ignored it and changed the subject. A simple hope everything is okay would have been better imo

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 22/08/2021 14:08

I certainly cannot condemn your friend based solely on your post here today, the whole exchange sounds entirely normal.
The fact that you led with saying you love scans probably gave her the distinct impression you were just having scans for the fun of it, I’d have assumed that, so she answered your question and moved on.

Original poster
Sunshinebuttercup · 22/08/2021 14:08

@emuloc no difference in income. She earns more than me. My extra scans were due to my own anxiety and everything has been fine

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 22/08/2021 14:09

For example, she has just had her 12w scan and I said ah I love scans I could have one every week and mentioned I had my 8th scan coming up next week (28 weeks) and I asked if she was going to get one at 16w to find out sex of baby.

She was talking about her scan, and you started talking about yours. Not sure how she was at fault here.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 22/08/2021 14:09

Maybe she’s trying to break away from you then and pregnancy doesn’t have much to do with it.

girlmom21 · 22/08/2021 14:09

I can't imagine that she'd think there was anything to be concerned by with the number of scans you had as you also said you loved scans.

I'd also think if you were good friends you'd have told her about any difficulties you were having in your pregnancy.

Original poster
Sunshinebuttercup · 22/08/2021 14:09

I can definitely see the point of view that maybe it comes across like scans are my hobby hahah! But surely that's interesting in itself? Maybe I'm just too nosy tbf but I'd always have commented on that if someone had said that to me

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 22/08/2021 14:10

Don't spend time together. You don't sound on the same page at all

Whinge · 22/08/2021 14:10

A simple hope everything is okay would have been better imo

No I wouldn't ask if everything was ok. Having 8 scans would make me think something was wrong, and I would be afraid to upset you by prying into something so personal. If you shared that it was due to anxiety then I would say I hope the extra scans helped offer reassurance.

Original poster
Sunshinebuttercup · 22/08/2021 14:11

Fair enough maybe I am over reacting! I just thought it was an odd response and adds up with every other time she has changed the conversation to herself.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2021 14:11

You sound like different types of people. If she’s usually the sort of person who doesn’t take much of an interest in you or other people around her then both being pregnant won’t have changed it. It’s okay to back away and spend your time with other more like minded friends.

I had 16 scans as I’d had several miscarriages and was under close monitoring in a specialist clinic. I found every one of them horrifically stressful and didn’t talk about them much.

Ughmaybenot · 22/08/2021 14:12

@Sunshinebuttercup

I can definitely see the point of view that maybe it comes across like scans are my hobby hahah! But surely that's interesting in itself? Maybe I'm just too nosy tbf but I'd always have commented on that if someone had said that to me
Not remotely interesting imo, sorry!! I’d struggle to know really what to say about such frequent, repeated scanning so I just wouldn’t comment, to each their own!
Whinge · 22/08/2021 14:12

@Sunshinebuttercup

Fair enough maybe I am over reacting! I just thought it was an odd response and adds up with every other time she has changed the conversation to herself.
But you did exactly that. She was talking about her scan, and you made it about your pregnancy. Confused
emuloc · 22/08/2021 14:13

Ok then, that is good that all is well with your baby. Your friend is just the way she is I suppose , you have already spoken to her about it, not much else you can do.

StormInAGinGlass · 22/08/2021 14:13

Did you actually say “ah I love scans” before telling her you’ve had 7? Because that would be why I wouldn’t ask. I do agree it’s not right if she genuinely hasn’t asked how you are at all.

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