Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to contact this boys mum?

59 replies

isoliertet · 22/08/2021 12:58

Name changed for this!

Been with partner for 2 years, he recently moved in with us. He has a 16 year old son, I've met him but DP doesn't see him anymore, he's always said that it's because he ‘prefers’ his stepdad and he doesn't know why. I have 3 DCs (14,10 and 5)

This boy knows my eldest (as they go to the same school, he messaged DS on social media, telling him that DP isn't as nice as everyone thinks, when DS asked him to explain what he meant, he refused but kept telling DS he wasn't lying, I'm obviously confused!

WIBU to message the boys mum and ask what her son meant by that (if anything)?

OP posts:
StarryStarrySocks · 22/08/2021 13:01

I would have thought you could have worked out for yourself that someone who has abandoned his kid isn't as nice as everyone thinks, long before it got to the stage of him moving in with you.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 22/08/2021 13:05

You've moved a guy in with your kids when he doesn't even see his own kid, and blindly accepted his reason of 'preferring his stepdad'.

Anyone that abandons his child isn't going to think twice about abandoning you and yours.

You've made a really poor choice here.

I wouldn't message the mother at all, just look at the facts in front of you.

SilverTimpani · 22/08/2021 13:07

I don’t think you should message this boy’s mum. But I do agree with PPs that it’s a very bad sign that he doesn’t see his son. That kind of family breakdown is indicative of a deeper problem than him just ‘preferring’ his stepdad.

FrancescaContini · 22/08/2021 13:12

I think that children who are making claims about adults should always be believed. Yes, I would try to contact the boy’s mother and I would try to speak to the boy myself.

And I can’t believe you’ve allowed a man who no longer has contact with his own child to move in with you and your children. There’s something unsettling about it. Did he move in quickly?

Thelnebriati · 22/08/2021 13:16

Why should the kid have to disclose something personal to you or your son? How bad does it have to be for you to end the relationship?

Original poster
isoliertet · 22/08/2021 13:23

@FrancescaContini

I think that children who are making claims about adults should always be believed. Yes, I would try to contact the boy’s mother and I would try to speak to the boy myself.

And I can’t believe you’ve allowed a man who no longer has contact with his own child to move in with you and your children. There’s something unsettling about it. Did he move in quickly?

No, he only moved in a few weeks ago.
OP posts:
randomusernameagain · 22/08/2021 13:28

I don't think you should get involved directly with the Mum as it could start all kinds of problems. Your son might be able to talk to your DPs stepson and find out/ see if anyone knows anything at school? I wouldn't ignore it, it's quite a stark thing for a son to say and deserving of note.

ChaneySays · 22/08/2021 13:28

This is one of those situations where we can't honestly know the truth. Maybe he has let his son down, but maybe he has a bitter ex who is feeding the son a pack of lies/turning him against his dad because she wants to play happy families with her new fella. 🤷‍♀️

Bananarama21 · 22/08/2021 13:30

Poor lad how can you be with someone that doesn't bother with his son.

MrsRobbieHart · 22/08/2021 13:33

Sounds like you picked a good’un there OP! Hmm can’t even be arsed with his own child but you think he’s a decent bloke to live with yours? Put your head back on your shoulders and act responsibly.

SpaceBethSmith · 22/08/2021 13:41

Christ.

Contact the ex.

Boot him out regardless of what she saysbecause he’s a dickhead.

vivainsomnia · 22/08/2021 13:50

What do you want to accomplish contacting her? That she tells you that he is a bad dad and then what? You tell him to move out again?

girlmom21 · 22/08/2021 13:55

I'd ask him to leave if he won't be honest with you about the reasons his own son doesn't want contact.

You had 3 children who could potentially become victims of some description. If you can't 100% trust the man, he shouldn't be in your house.

Winnona · 22/08/2021 14:01

I would be very concerned by this OP. It is good your DS has felt able to tell you. I would ask DP outright why & see if he has a plausible explanation. The reiteration of I am not lying rings alarm bells for me.

SpaceBethSmith · 22/08/2021 14:05

Also, he’s not “this boy” like he’s some rando, he’s your “D”Ps CHILD who is giving you a warning. Probably because he’s just moved in with you.

Travielkapelka · 22/08/2021 14:09

I wouldn’t contact the mum but I would also try and get a bit more out of your partner. It’s rarely black and white and there’s probably a whole load in the middle you don’t know. It doesn’t necessarily make your partner a bad father, so many circumstances could have led to this but I would want to know exactly what they are, not just that he’s says his son prefers his step dad.

Thymeout · 22/08/2021 14:14

How can a dad see his teenage son if the son refuses to meet him?

There are many cases where the child has been alienated by the other parent, mum or dad, because it suits them better if the contact ends.

I think pps are being too quick to judge. Op needs to find out the exact sequence of events before coming to her own decision. Her dp's son is not an impartial informant and will have his own reasons for trying to influence her son. What do dp's family say about the situation? Do they still have contact with the boy?

girlmom21 · 22/08/2021 14:17

@Thymeout it's not about the fact his son doesn't want to see him. It's about understanding why.

Ughmaybenot · 22/08/2021 14:19

Give me strength. It’s blatantly obvious this guy isn’t a nice person, he doesn’t bother with his son because, in his own feeble words, the child ‘prefers’ his stepfather and your poor innocent boyfriend just doesn’t know why Confused
Open your eyes just a bit.

5128gap · 22/08/2021 14:35

His DS has probably chosen to do this now as your partner has moved in, and from his DS's perspective is playing dad to a new family while not bothering with him. It's quite possible there is no new secret thing about your partner to find out. You just now know his DS's perspective on him as a father.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 22/08/2021 14:35

You should already know he's not great. He doesn't bother with his child. How can he be a good bloke? The kid prefers his stepdad 🙄 seriously? Boo fucking hoo. That just screams 'im a shit father who doesn't give a fuck'

Take a good look. Have kids with him and the father he is to this boy is the father you'll saddle them with.

JEdgarHoover · 22/08/2021 14:39

I agree you should not get involved at all. His DS is likely reaching out to yours because he wants to cause hurt/drama, probably because he is hurting. You need to get your DP to sort this out. If his DS prefers his stepdad that is concerning. There must be a reason that they don’t speak.

I’m not a fan of LTB when you don’t have all the facts, but there is something really suspect here. But I would not message his mum, I highly doubt she would want to get involved with you (not unkindly) if things between her and DS and your DP are not good.

MadeOfStarStuff · 22/08/2021 14:42

Why on earth would you move someone in with your kids who can’t be bothered to see his own son? If the son chooses not to see his father theres bound to be a reason for that

2RedShoes · 22/08/2021 14:52

@FrancescaContini

I think that children who are making claims about adults should always be believed. Yes, I would try to contact the boy’s mother and I would try to speak to the boy myself.

And I can’t believe you’ve allowed a man who no longer has contact with his own child to move in with you and your children. There’s something unsettling about it. Did he move in quickly?

I agree with this.
Merryoldgoat · 22/08/2021 14:55

I don’t trust anyone who can’t maintain a decent relationship with their children after separation.

Anyone who has no contact with a child isn’t worth your time.