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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to contact this boys mum?

59 replies

isoliertet · 22/08/2021 12:58

Name changed for this!

Been with partner for 2 years, he recently moved in with us. He has a 16 year old son, I've met him but DP doesn't see him anymore, he's always said that it's because he ‘prefers’ his stepdad and he doesn't know why. I have 3 DCs (14,10 and 5)

This boy knows my eldest (as they go to the same school, he messaged DS on social media, telling him that DP isn't as nice as everyone thinks, when DS asked him to explain what he meant, he refused but kept telling DS he wasn't lying, I'm obviously confused!

WIBU to message the boys mum and ask what her son meant by that (if anything)?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 14:57

Wow really op? This man is lying to you about why he doesn’t see his son and why he prefers his step father and he’s frying to warn your son. I’d want to know and yes I’d contact the mum privately. But I’d have wanted to know before I let him near my kids.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 22/08/2021 15:02

I think that it is likely the breakdown of the father/son relationship is for a pretty solid reason, and is a red flag most definately. I am however torn a little as I do know a situation where the dad was a good dad, but the new husband and his ex-wife discouraged and minimised contact and the father/son relationship was broken. It did pick up again at age 18 and the son lived with his dad for a few years after that, they were perhaps a quite dramatic family, lots of falling out etc.
It's hard to say if your situation is similar, but I would take steps to find out if I could.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 22/08/2021 15:04

@StarryStarrySocks

I would have thought you could have worked out for yourself that someone who has abandoned his kid isn't as nice as everyone thinks, long before it got to the stage of him moving in with you.
This in spades. He is not a good man.
VodselForDinner · 22/08/2021 15:04

What would you be prepared to do with any information that the ex shares?

Like, if she replied to say “yes, everything my son has said is true and he’s been abandoned by his father”, what would you do?

Jux · 22/08/2021 15:06

Maybe your ds and this boy could talk f2f. If I were in that boy's place I wouldn't want to be putting things in writing either, too much trouble apart from anything else.

Whydidimarryhim · 22/08/2021 15:09

It maybe domestic violence? Could you ask for Claire law request?
It’s very telling he doesn’t see his son.
Keep your eyes and ears open with this one.

Hemingwaycat · 22/08/2021 15:15

I don’t think any man who has no relationship with his children is a good man, not sure what you see in him really.

tectonicplates · 22/08/2021 15:15

You don't need to message his mum. The children's behaviour has told you everything you need to know. Your partner is bad news.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 22/08/2021 15:16

you must have your own opinion op?
you judge him to be a suitable partner

how does he talk about his ex?
perhaps she is the one bad mouthing your partner?
a teenage boy isnt likely to be level headed

MrsLargeEmbodied · 22/08/2021 15:16

the boy could be jealous

SamVimes6 · 22/08/2021 15:17

This is a red flag op.

If you chose to ignore it then that’s your call.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 22/08/2021 15:17

you have been with your partner for 2 years, you should be able to judge for yourself
and no do not contact his ex

BeefSupreme · 22/08/2021 15:17

Why did you call him “this boy” instead of “partners son”?

What would you do if you found out from your ex that your dp had done some bad things? Would you refuse to believe it anyway?

nimbuscloud · 22/08/2021 15:18

Feel sorry for all the children in this relationship.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 22/08/2021 15:19

I would check with the local police, he could be a danger to you.

imacuddler · 22/08/2021 15:20

I think the key thing here is:
Why did parents split up?
Does the dad still provide financially and still try to make contact with the son?
As pp said the dad can't force the son to see him but he should still be trying and providing.

imacuddler · 22/08/2021 15:21

Oh and don't contact the mum!

Plumtree391 · 22/08/2021 15:22

He can move out just as quickly then, before your children start seeing him as a fixture and he shows his true colours.

sykadelic · 22/08/2021 15:26

I'm a child of a 3rd marriage.

My half-siblings relationship with our dad and his relationship with their mother, was completely different to our relationship with him and my mothers relationship with him.

During my fathers eulogy my half-sister from the 2nd marriage said some stuff I, frankly, found completely distasteful, but her relationship with our dad was what she was talked about and I can't deny she felt that way, even though the rest of us didn't.

So it could simply be they had a really volatile relationship, the ex and him, and the child saw that relationship. It could be the mother is guilty of parental alienation.

What I would hope is that the 16 y/o would tell you if there's violence or risk to self, but given he didn't talk about what happened I think it's just a case of "my dad is a jerk".

TheAverageUser · 22/08/2021 15:32

I wouldn't be interested in someone who didn't have a relationship with his own child because it raises so many reg flags, it's unfortunate you're already living together now. I wouldn't message his son, your relationship is with your partner so have it out with him?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 22/08/2021 15:34

do you not trust him op?

OswaldOwl · 22/08/2021 15:34

I reckon Clair’s law is a good call.
Do you have any mutual acquaintances you could ask? Is the headteacher at the boys’ school somebody you know and would be happy to have a chat with?

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 15:36

Agree do a Claire’s law application immediately

Cymbidium69 · 22/08/2021 15:44

Parental Alienation Syndrome is a thoroughly debunked theory by Dr. Richard Gardner, a psychiatrist who really wanted to make it easier and acceptable for adults to have sex with children. We don’t know he invented PAS specifically for the purpose of letting fathers sexually abuse children, but that certainly has been the effect.

Dr. Gardner’s basic theory was that if a child dislikes a non-custodial parent, the most likely answer is that the custodial parent is “brainwashing” the child. He believed this “brainwashing” was worse for kids than abuse, and the only solution was to sever all relationship between the custodial parent and the child.

BridgetJonesPanties · 22/08/2021 15:45

he ‘prefers’ his stepdad and he doesn't know why

And you believed that bullshit?

A man who doesn't fight for access to his kid and for a better relationship with his kid is one you should run far far away from.

No need to contact the boy's mother. Use your noggin.

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