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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to contact this boys mum?

59 replies

isoliertet · 22/08/2021 12:58

Name changed for this!

Been with partner for 2 years, he recently moved in with us. He has a 16 year old son, I've met him but DP doesn't see him anymore, he's always said that it's because he ‘prefers’ his stepdad and he doesn't know why. I have 3 DCs (14,10 and 5)

This boy knows my eldest (as they go to the same school, he messaged DS on social media, telling him that DP isn't as nice as everyone thinks, when DS asked him to explain what he meant, he refused but kept telling DS he wasn't lying, I'm obviously confused!

WIBU to message the boys mum and ask what her son meant by that (if anything)?

OP posts:
illuyankas · 22/08/2021 15:55

If your dc knows him from school, does he know what kind of person he is?
He could be jealous. But also he could be telling the truth.
I wouldn't trust someone who has no contact with their own children. There must be a reason for it. I would be concerned an curious why, before I would let my dc involve with him in the first place.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 22/08/2021 16:13

op perhaps you need to ask on the step parenting board?

there always will be teenagers/boys/girls who refuse to see their real dads.

WombatChocolate · 22/08/2021 16:13

No, do not contact a 16 year old boy to get information. Do not make contact with his Mother either.

For one thing, the relationships with these have clearly broken down and it could be very difficult to get accurate information.

However, as others say, huge red flags here in terms man having lost contact with his child and seemingly just accepted it. It’s really not a good track record is it.

If you want to know more, dig deeper with the man. But to be honest, these conversations needed to happen before he moved in. The future does not look bright sadly.

sadie9 · 22/08/2021 16:13

There must be a reason why the kid doesn't want to see his Dad. And also a reason why this Dad doesn't seem that bothered at all.
Would a decent man not be trying a bit harder to rebuild that relationship?

The Dad just went and found himself another ready made family to look after him, didn't he? And with kids he didn't need to be responsible for.
He's only moved in a few weeks so you might see if he can really stand having to compete with your kids for attention.

pictish · 22/08/2021 16:15

Aw he prefers his stepdad…so that’s it then, no effort required.

I couldn’t look at a man like that with admiring eyes. Perhaps it didn’t occur to you. I hope it does now.

Serendipity79 · 22/08/2021 16:25

This thread has made me sit up and pay attention as I've just this month found myself in the same situation from a slightly different perspective. I split with my ex over 3 years ago, and he doesn't see our two children. He was considered a risk to them and to me, and was advised to apply to court so Cafcass could do safeguarding checks. He chose not to - I believe because he didn't want to expose the danger that he is to them. He has an older daughter from a previous relationship which was also abusive and his daughter wants nothing to do with him.

Two weeks back I got a random messenger request from a lady who said that she was in a relationship with the most lovely man, and she'd been contacted by a teenager who'd told her he isn't what he seems and told her my name and that he isn't allowed to see his smaller children any more.

She wanted me to "confirm" for her that what he's now told her is true and that actually he doesn't see the kids because I wont let him for no good reason whatsoever and that this girl who contacted her is just spiteful towards all of her dads new partners, and prefers her step dad and half siblings to seeing her dad.

My reply was simply "I do not wish to be contacted by you again, or to be involved in any of XX's drama. I will confirm though that XXX is his daughter, and I would suggest you do a Claire's law request and then judge the situation for yourself"

This is eerily similar OP - if you take nothing else from this thread, then please do a Claire's law check for any past issues. Yes ask your partner again why he doesn't see his child as well, but be prepared to be possibly lied to. Generally teenage kids don't seek others out and dish out warnings like this. Yes he could just be a bit crap as a dad (which would be a huge turn off for me anyway, and not someone I'd want around my kids), but there could be other reasons too.

Please don't contact the mother, I've barely slept since I heard from this woman because its stirred it all back up for me, and I'm now struggling with my mental health again. You don't know what can of worms it could open if you approach her.

candlelightsatdawn · 23/08/2021 11:59

Seen this extract tho gon step parenting board, this is probably the wrong place to post this because of this boards reputation.. in the post on SP board Both the dad and SM don't know what's caused it. Contact stopped when the SC hit teenage years. Dad keeps trying but no response. Had a great relationship before, and he's still trying.

Could be dads a bad parent and didn't bother, could be teenager being a teenager, could be mum poisoning the child, could be the child has no rules at one home so prefers it that way.

Who knows but without specifics, you won't find out. Look into each avenue, gather data and info and then make a judgment call.

Eralos · 23/08/2021 13:03

Yes I’d contact his mum.

KingdomScrolls · 23/08/2021 13:05

Yes I'd contact the mum and personally I'd also do a Clare's law and Sarah's law check

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