To not dictate my DCs clothing?

[HavanaGoodTime]

We went out as a family yesterday. I generally let the DC chose their own clothes with obvious exceptions (no floaty party dresses to go climbing trees for example)

Yesterday we were out in a town centre. DDs (9 and 6) were ‘dressed up’ in matching floaty dresses, matching hair styles and sparkly shoes - all their choice. DS1 (11) was in clashing red jogger shorts, faded orange t-shirt that is a bit small and trainers - Playing in the garden quality clothes. DS2 (9) was wearing dark joggers with his fave sports team top (it’s new and very smart looking).

DH thinks we should have made DS1 change as he looked scruffy and made DDs change as they were overdressed. He feels people may look at us and judge us - maybe that we neglect DS1 while pandering/spoiling DDs.

I feel that as long as the clothing is ‘safe’ for the activity then they should be allowed to wear what they want?

If relevant DH and I were both casually dressed, jeans and tops.

So what would you think if you saw my DC dressed like this? Am I unreasonable to not make my DC dress ‘appropriately’.

Please move them away from joggers. They always look awful, indeed not just on boys but on men.

@newnortherner111

Please move them away from joggers. They always look awful, indeed not just on boys but on men.

They're kids! Comfort is far more important than what they look like. And joggers are very much in fashion, just because you don't like them does not mean people shouldn't wear them.

DH is unreasonable and needs to stop worrying about what others think!

Also who decides on what "matches", I wouldnt choose the combinations my DS does but he chooses all his clothes with care, he just has taste that differs to mine.
I'd want the clothes to fit properly but that is all.

wow! didn't mean to vanish - suddenly had to go out.

a mixed bag of responses.

The girls were in 'proper' sparkly shoes - they love them so much i bought ones with decent soles so they could wear them out and still have good foot support.

DS1 cares only for comfort, the shirt is one of his faves which i keep trying to get him to give up but he really loves it. a lot of his favourite tops are now verging on too small as he finds the 'well worn-ness' comfy and doesnt want to wear the new ones which are 'crunchy' as he calls it!

For DH i think it was more the contrast between them (DDs over dressed, DS1 under dressed) that made him wonder about it. Both DSs hate jeans/chinos/anything that isn't joggers so i really try not to make them wear them unless we are going somewhere very dressy.

Some fair points about guiding them about appropriate dress for social situation.

Some of this may stem from lockdown - DD1 really missed going out (shopping, cafes etc) and is almost overcompensating by wanting to wear all her best dresses anytime we leave the house. DS1 has gone the opposite and has thoroughly enjoyed 18 months in 'garden clothes' and sees no reason to go back to anything else! Maybe my thoughts on this are also lockdown related - life's too short to wear things you dont want?

I'll speak to DH, maybe a compromise with DS1 that at the very least non-clashing and that the t-shirt fits properly.

oh, and DH would have spoken to DS had we agreed he needed to change - this wasn't a 'you're the mum, you do it' type of conversation!

I probably wouldn't even notice!

But then my ds (17!) went out for a walk with me today in maroon shirts and a burnt orange t shirt so I'm use to boys that colour match this way

If I had clocked you for any reason I'd have thought it was lovely how your girls wanted to dress up.

As long as my kids look presentable and not in rags or clothes too small or holes I don’t care too much. I have 4 boys so they are really casual joggies and a t shirt x 4. Eldest is 20 so buys his own gear still pretty casual though he’s just bought fancy £300 trainers. Which is mental he works though so his choice. I think I’m the same as you op, as long as it’s appropriate for the activity it’s fine. They need to be comfy and happy.

My children wear what is comfortable, so do I. Life is too short to give a shit if they’re over or under dressed, as long as their clothes fit and are clean. I don’t even care if they’re wearing odd for the season school uniform. My daughter wore gingham blouses all year around at school, and my youngest is very much a fan of the cargo shorts/long shorts combo.

Cargo shorts/long socks*. I need more coffee.

I would have kindly pointed out that a too small shirt and joggers suitable for garden play are not ok for going out.

It is about teaching children what is appropriate when and guiding them to make choices. Nothing worse than badly dressed people for the wrong occassion.

It is not that hard to change old joggers to smarter ones and create a "suitable for play/mud" pile at home.
Too small clothes are removed by me when it is in the laundry pile.

Girls are often more dressed up and DD lived in dresses until she was 11, she dressed up a lot when DH and I wear casual. As long as it doesn't hinder what they are doing I don't mind.

If I would have met you I would have thought a) the girls may have been at a party/on the way to a party and b) you had a fight with your son about clothing you lost.

I’d have changed DS too. I dislike faded/ill fitting clothes so regularly sorted wardrobes to ensure everything fitted and was in good condition then it didn’t matter what they wore as long as suitable for the weather or location.

As a snapshot seeing it I’d think the girls were favoured over the boys personally if I had noticed,

9 times out of 10, I don’t pick my 3 year old sons clothes. He picks them himself. I don’t care if the clothes don’t match at all as long as he’s comfy.

I’ve had multiple comments off of strangers and friends alike who have said he looks scruffy, weird, “disgusting” and “uncared for” in his mismatched clothes - but as long as he’s happy, I don’t care.

Just my own experience, but my DM chose everything I wore right through my childhood and into my teens (she was totally domineering, but that's another thread). Everything had to be colour coordinated and properly matching.

By the time I was an adult I had zero idea of what I actually liked to wear myself, and have wasted an obscene amount of money trying to work out my style. I'm hoping by letting DD choose her own outfits, she will work it out for herself far sooner than I did (if, indeed, I ever did!).

The only thing I ever get eye-rolly at is pre-schoolers wearing band t-shirts like Guns N’ Roses/Nirvana/Rolling Stones that the kid is far too young to be aware of.

At what age do children become aware of music? My kids listen to what I listen to around the house and my youngest loved The Band from about aged 2 because he liked yodelling (?!) and would request Cripple Creek on repeat. Of course kids are exposed to their parents' choice of music (how else would they ever hear music?) but they develop distinct musical tastes pretty quickly IME.

It is about teaching children what is appropriate when and guiding them to make choices. Nothing worse than badly dressed people for the wrong occassion.
Nothing? Really?
I can think of the odd thing that's worse,

@WomanStanleyWoman

would you approve of your sons outfit if he was 21? 31? At some point he'll need some guidance...

I would hope that by the time OP’s son is 31, her only input into his clothes is maybe buying him a shirt for Christmas.

Totally agree with this 🤣

I guess my point was that it's only possible to make appropriate choices when he's older if he's taught how to do so when he's younger!

Life is too short to give a shit about what strangers may think of what my kids are wearing.

Exceptions being if they full of holes, 3 sizes too small or filthy.

My kids have dressed themselves since they were 4 or 5, I sort out clothes when I’m doing laundry to weed out holey or to small stuff but they can wear what they like when we go out unless it’s very dressy like a wedding or funeral.
They all have their own style and I’m happy to buy things they like and will wear rather than argue over clothes.

This doesn’t mean their “best” clothes, but clothes they are clean, fit well and match.

My DS starts out with clean clothes, they often don't stay that way. And clothes only fit him well, seemingly, for about hour. He grows into them and instantly out of them again.

OP YANBU. I doubt I'd even notice, if I did I wouldn't think anything, too busy worrying about if DS has managed to put a hole in the knee of his brand new trousers again.

My son's are colour blind so I do intervene if they choose things which clash terribly. Also DS1 would choose head to toe camo. I try to reduce it to one item at a time so he doesn't look like a crazy survivalist off gridder.

DD, who is 4, has chosen her own totally inappropriate clothes for about 2 years now as she refuses to wear anything but a particular style of duffel coat, a strappy summer dress and wellies or sandals, regardless of the weather or season.

No idea why that apostrophe was put there. I mean sons of course (why is autocorrect doing this?)

As long as my DD is appropriately dressed for occasions with specific dress requirements (school, formal events, church etc) I let her choose what she wants the rest of the time.

The only requirements I set out for daily wear is that it fits, isn't ripped/stained and is weather appropriate (eg she was welcome to wear a summer dress in November, as long as it was with a coat and leggings). Other than that DD can wear what she likes.

When she was very little nd just starting to have opinions about clothes I would put together 2 or 3 outfits every morning and let DD choose out of those (mostly so we could get out of the house before dinnertime) but as she got older she picked out her own stuff and has done ever since.

My 6 year old hates plain clothing and will only wear things with patterns or bright colours. So he is regularly in mismatched clothes because that’s what he’s chosen. I don’t care, he’s happy.

If would have been awful of your DH to make the girls change. I bet they felt the bees knees so why piss on their chips to make the boy look better? I’d have asked your DS1 to change his top into something that fit and didn’t clash.

I'm fairly laid back about DSs clothes but i buy them so I've not bought anything i hate. I agree that they are clean, fit and are not screwed up or tatty are reasonable boundaries. For the garden anything goes, so long as it's weather appropriate.