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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not dictate my DCs clothing?

100 replies

HavanaGoodTime · 22/08/2021 10:10

We went out as a family yesterday. I generally let the DC chose their own clothes with obvious exceptions (no floaty party dresses to go climbing trees for example)

Yesterday we were out in a town centre. DDs (9 and 6) were ‘dressed up’ in matching floaty dresses, matching hair styles and sparkly shoes - all their choice. DS1 (11) was in clashing red jogger shorts, faded orange t-shirt that is a bit small and trainers - Playing in the garden quality clothes. DS2 (9) was wearing dark joggers with his fave sports team top (it’s new and very smart looking).

DH thinks we should have made DS1 change as he looked scruffy and made DDs change as they were overdressed. He feels people may look at us and judge us - maybe that we neglect DS1 while pandering/spoiling DDs.

I feel that as long as the clothing is ‘safe’ for the activity then they should be allowed to wear what they want?

If relevant DH and I were both casually dressed, jeans and tops.

So what would you think if you saw my DC dressed like this? Am I unreasonable to not make my DC dress ‘appropriately’.

OP posts:

WomanStanleyWoman · 22/08/2021 12:28

would you approve of your sons outfit if he was 21? 31? At some point he'll need some guidance...

I would hope that by the time OP’s son is 31, her only input into his clothes is maybe buying him a shirt for Christmas.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/08/2021 12:30

One of the great things about living in London is no one looks at you

I literally wore a rainbow jumpsuit this morning to the shops (I'm 50's)

I wouldn't have looked twice but I would have noticed what a great parent you are letting them be them

Hivis · 22/08/2021 12:34

In truth I’d have had a passing thought that the child in the too small t shirt was vaguely neglected

Strugglingtodomybest · 22/08/2021 12:56

I honestly wouldn't have noticed as I don't generally care one iota what people are wearing.

I agree that I'd be more concerned about DH worrying what people might think - reminds me of my mum and I'd hate to be married to my mum

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 22/08/2021 13:02

I know a family where the mum really revels in allowing her child to be 'quirky' and as a result the child just looks like no one loves her. Nothing fits, stuff is dirty, inappropriate for the situation etc

Mum looks on fondly and everyone is thinking 'wtf?'

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/08/2021 13:08

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Mum looks on fondly and everyone is thinking 'wtf?'

Our neighbours are like this. Montessori followers, I believe. Their DC look exactly like I would if I chose to dress myself in garments pulled from the dirty laundry hamper, at random, in the dark; but they think it’s cute and demonstrates their DC’s maturity and independence, and will ensure they know how to express themselves through dress as adults.

I’m childfree, I don’t care what other people do with their DC, but I’m not convinced that we all need to start choosing our own outfits at two years old lest we find ourselves unable to dress ourselves at 24.

Smeds · 22/08/2021 13:35

I generally let my 6yo wear what she wants. I do have to guide her sometimes depending on the weather. If she puts clothes on that turn out to be a bit small I'll let her wear it for that day and then wash and stash them away for her younger sister. I wouldn't make her change.

My youngest is getting to the point that she needs seperate clothes for nursery and the weekend. Some stuff is getting too scruffy to wear out and about, plus its already a hand me down anyway.

In your shoes, what your children were wearing wouldn't have concerned me at all. I'd just remember to take the too small orange tshirt away after.

Nutsabouttopic · 22/08/2021 13:39

I'd think what a lovely family out together for the day and all comfortable in their own skins. I have four daughters, two of them would have dressed like your daughters sparkling dresses and shoes, one would be in football top and joggers and the fourth would be wearing what could only be described as charity clothing bin diving results. They were all happy, individual, content in their choices. An odd time we had to gently steer no four back to change because what she had on was not weather appropriate. If we were going to an organised event, wedding, party, posh restaurant with family we picked outfits before hand. As long as they were covered and happy let them be, bigger battles ahead to fight

Lolapusht · 22/08/2021 14:32

@ComtesseDeSpair were judgey pants a conscious choice for your outfit today or is that just a happy conincidence?

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/08/2021 14:38

[quote Lolapusht]@ComtesseDeSpair were judgey pants a conscious choice for your outfit today or is that just a happy conincidence?[/quote]
Oh, I’m sure I have terrible dress sense. I just don’t care what strangers think, and I don’t think anyone else should either. I simply acknowledge that other people do judge, you can’t control what they think and the only thing you can control, is how you feel about it.

Nokitchenmary · 22/08/2021 14:52

We let ours choose their own clothes. I do try and keep on top of stuff that's too small but DS has a preference for shorts above the knee and that usually necessitates the size down being bought. I don't even care of its appropriate for the weather as long as they bring a jumper/coat etc and DD can climb trees in party dresses if she wishes, though I'll usually pack t shirt and leggings with us. I don't care what people think.

Nokitchenmary · 22/08/2021 14:55

I draw the line at clean and DH draws the pine at Christmas tops in summer (something DC1 loves to do). I don't know why it drives DH bonkers but it does.

Balonzette · 22/08/2021 14:55

I'd have asked son in clashing/too small clothes to change becayse it would be niggling at me all day

Porcupineintherough · 22/08/2021 14:58

I wouldnt conclude anything but the only times I've come across the situation you described on a regular basis (poorly dressed older child, well dressed younger children) it's been because the oldest was the less favoured child of a first marriage . Or a teen making a fashion statement.

Hemingwaycat · 22/08/2021 14:59

I guide mine a little so they don’t look scruffy because I just wouldn’t want them to look like that and would feel slightly embarrassed. I wouldn’t let them wear clothes that were too small.

pointythings · 22/08/2021 15:15

I'd have thought 'good on you' re the sparkly floaty dresses - all too often those get bought for an occasion, worn once, then oops - outgrown. And they tend not to be cheap, so they deserve a few outings.

As long as it's clean, fits and is weather appropriate, it's fine. Your DC have years to learn about situation-appropriate dressing, and for special family occasions you just provide and offer guidance.

Jobsharenightmare · 22/08/2021 15:20

I remember as a pre-teen wearing my choice of clothes into school on a non-uniform day. It was not a good look and I did not have a good day. I wish my mum had (gently) put her foot down.

^ me too! I wore wedges, a sports t shirt and a floor length tight fitting skirt. Awful! I wish mum had said something!

It's not issue at their ages though OP.

Goldbar · 22/08/2021 15:42

So long as your children's clothes were cleanish and they looked happy and well-fed, I wouldn't have given you all a second glance. The neglected children I've seen don't look colourfully mismatched. They're generally small for their age and pale and wan from inadequate nutrition.

Redlorryellow · 22/08/2021 15:51

My dd6 loves wearing dinosaur themed clothes from the boys section and wears her favourite joggers to pieces so they have holes… she also has a penchant for socks that clash with everything else. I’d secretly love her to wear cute stuff and let me pick some of her clothes but she’s a huge tomboy and I gave into it a couple of years ago. I see stuff I like for her all the time but she has the opposite taste to me! So long as it’s occasion appropriate (eg holey
Joggers might be ok for a walk or playground but not a restaurant or party) I let her choose.

UpHillandDownAle · 22/08/2021 16:27

We do the same as @Smeds.

myheartskippedabeat · 22/08/2021 16:38

DS1 wouldn't have left my house looking like that to be honest

Nosferatussidebit · 22/08/2021 16:44

@myheartskippedabeat

DS1 wouldn't have left my house looking like that to be honest

But why?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 22/08/2021 16:45

Today my younger DD wore a sundress and penguin socks, while elder DD wore leggings and a hoody. To go to get new school shoes. I did think the disparity between their clothing choices was a bit odd, but they were happy.

They are 8&10, and still working out how clothes matches together to make outfits. Dd2 loves clashing clothes. Day to Day, its fine. Anywhere smarter, I give more guidance.

My friend always dresses her boys identically. And her husband, and herself in a female equivalent. I think that looks odder really. Just the boys matching would be different.

Guineapigbridge · 22/08/2021 16:46

I would have made the boy take off the too-small shirt. It irritates me when they don't look tidy. My sister is pretty extreme, she has her kids dressed like models most of the time. It's a source of pride for her. She's a designer so a very visual person.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 22/08/2021 16:57

Seeing as I frequently did the shopping in my work suit followed around by a small child wearing stripey tights, black t-shirt, a purple tutu, a set of sparkly bat wings and a woolly beanie-halloween costume glittery bat headboppers combo, whilst the other one tried to deny all knowledge of us normally chose a pair of jeans, white vest top and a sensible cardigan knitted by her GM, I'm certainly not going to judge a family with two kids who looked like they'd been to a party and two who looked like they'd been playing at home.

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