To not dictate my DCs clothing?

[HavanaGoodTime]

We went out as a family yesterday. I generally let the DC chose their own clothes with obvious exceptions (no floaty party dresses to go climbing trees for example)

Yesterday we were out in a town centre. DDs (9 and 6) were ‘dressed up’ in matching floaty dresses, matching hair styles and sparkly shoes - all their choice. DS1 (11) was in clashing red jogger shorts, faded orange t-shirt that is a bit small and trainers - Playing in the garden quality clothes. DS2 (9) was wearing dark joggers with his fave sports team top (it’s new and very smart looking).

DH thinks we should have made DS1 change as he looked scruffy and made DDs change as they were overdressed. He feels people may look at us and judge us - maybe that we neglect DS1 while pandering/spoiling DDs.

I feel that as long as the clothing is ‘safe’ for the activity then they should be allowed to wear what they want?

If relevant DH and I were both casually dressed, jeans and tops.

So what would you think if you saw my DC dressed like this? Am I unreasonable to not make my DC dress ‘appropriately’.

I choose my daughter’s clothes because she is 4 and will still wear what I want her to without too much fuss. But my 2 sons I don’t because I don’t think the battle is worth having and at 12 and 13 as long as they’re clean I don’t think people care too much. We went to a family birthday party last week and my 4 year old looked lovely in a traditional smocked dress and t bar shoes while the boys had t shirts, joggers and trainers on. When they were younger I did choose their clothes too but now, unless we were going to a wedding or something, I leave them to it.

I've just remembered being accompanied everywhere by a very tall 10yo Spiderman! Thought that phase would never end! It looks rather more cute on 6 or 7 year olds I have to say. But he drew plenty of smiles and if there were any eye rolls, he didn't seem to notice.

a sentient jumble sale is fantastic!

I'm partly with you. I let dc wear activity and weather appropriate clothes, if they are wearing something that is too small I ask them to change. Dds are 4 and 6 but I expect as they get old I might have to steer them if they are wearing an outfit that is obviously odd. I do wish my mum had done this with me when I was a preteen.

It is a fine line to balance: not putting two much emphasis on clothes and appearance but also wanting to help them 'fit in' a bit with their peers.

Meh. As long as their outfit choices don't prevent them from enjoying whatever activities you have planned, who cares? Surely the most important thing to teach your kids is not to judge others by what they are wearing. Some of the adults on here appear to have missed that lesson.

@pinkcircustop

YABU. Children should be appropriately dressed and look smart. This doesn’t mean their “best” clothes, but clothes they are clean, fit well and match.

They are too young to take pride in their appearance so you need to do it for them. It’s part of your role as a parent.

@pinkcircustop they went to a town centre as a family, with both parents casually dressed.

Why on earth should the children be subject to a 'smart' dress code which their parents don't have to adhere to?!

I used to let DS choose his clothes to buy and choose what to wear. It is all part of empowerment and raising an adult. And it was one less battle each non school day.

As long as the children were clean I wouldnt have noticed.

YANBU, I let my kids dress themselves and they have drawerfuls of questionable hand me down clothes I never would have bought as well.

If their clothes aren't covered in food or otherwise filthy, ripped, or stained, it's a win.

This reminds me of how on holiday last year I saw a family - mum dad and three kids aged between 7 and 11 ish - all dressed in matchy matchy outfits. All wearing various combinations of denim, navy and camel. VERY tasteful and no doubt expensive but they looked like they had stepped out of a clothing catalogue. I was a bit fascinated by them. There is no Way I could manage to exert such control over what my own kids wear!

I try to teach my DC about appropriate outfits, matching, not clashing prints and colours. Because who else will teach them if I let them wear what they want?

Well no one taught me and while it took me some years to find my confidence, I think I'm a pretty stylish and fairly individual dresser.

In your shoes, I’d genuinely be wondering why your husband was socially anxious enough to worry that his children’s clothes reflected badly upon him in the eyes of total strangers. Is he generally this worried about appearances?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Well, if dh felt that strongly, he should have just cracked on and had the conversation with them.

Why did he bring it up with you? Are they your responsibility?

I agree with this. What's the point of telling you. If he thinks they should be wearing something else he can sort it out. It's hard enough to get some kids dressed and out as it is without having fear of judgement thrown into the mix

YABU. Children should be appropriately dressed and look smart. This doesn’t mean their “best” clothes, but clothes they are clean, fit well and match

😂😂

They are going to have a lifetime of being judged on their appearance. Don't start it now.

My only rules are clean, no holes. DS is 11, I talk to him about appropriate clothing for certain occasions but the choice is always his.
I would probably put my foot down if it was a wedding or special occasion and he wanted to wear joggers, but that's about it.
Life's too short, let em be themselves.

I bites YANBU as it’s not really a big deal.

But actually if I was going out and one child looked particularly scruffy I would make them change.

Wouldn’t bother about the dresses but the sparkly shoes might be removed if we had far to walk. Otherwise I wouldn’t bother.

I’d probably not have allowed a t shirt that was too small, but it just wouldn’t have been in their wardrobe in the first place, I filter regularly. Everything else is fine for around town - my rules are clean(ish), fits ok and not absurdly too hot/cold such that you’re going to moan at me or be miserable (oldest children with penchant for tracksuits and fleeces when it’s 35 degrees).

I do insist on “respectful” dressing for other people’s occasions though - so Granny’s 70th birthday party or cousins wedding are not appropriate occasions for joggers or dressing up clothes.

Interesting thread.
I don't think I'd notice what other people's children were wearing, or whether they co-ordinated as a family group. I might think that the little girls in flowy dresses looked sweet, I wouldn't notice that a boy was wearing shorts and a t-shirt ( what mine always used to wear) .
I also wouldn't think that a sports top was capable of looking smart, and I never had "garden clothes" for my boys - their clothes were t shirts, soft jersey shirts or hoodies and joggers, long or short, all year round, for every activity.
Mine only ever wore smart clothes if we had something like a wedding or funeral, and even then it would probably have been school uniform trousers and a plain shirt.
It sounds as if yours are perfectly happy choosing their own clothes ( presumably from a selection you have supervised in the first place, as in , you bought them ) and I wouldn't have thought a shopping trip was an event that required any particular clothing.
I think you are the reasonable parent here, and if DH thinks differently, he needs to come up with a long term plan of what is and isn't OK to wear for any particular event, source it, and put the children into whatever he thinks is appropriate. He is the one who will need to have the discussions with them. In fact, as I'm typing this, I'm thinking that actually it's not great that he is focusing so much on their appearances, and what other people will think, and actually there's no justification for him imposing his will, or causing discord within the family on such a trivial issue.

I let DD dress herself. As long as it fits and the shoes aren't inappropriate it's game on. Last week she wore a Batgirl costume with red wellies to Sunday lunch at a local restaurant (think chain of gastro-pubs). She had a weather-appropriate coat on.

For nursery I usually ask her to choose from two outfits but she makes the choice herself.

I would have probabaly looked and gone "ooo sparkly shoes i wish they made them in grownup sizes" but not sure why one child's choice of clothing should mean that other children in the group need to change their choice? Tell your DH to dump "the what will people think" vibe before it makes his head explode.

I make sure that everything in DD's drawers is clean and fits, anything tatty or too small gets taken away. I give guidance, so I'll tell her she needs a top, bottoms, underwear etc and make sure it's suitable for the weather etc but after that she's on her own. She's got her whole life to worry about clothes and how she looks, if there is a time to just be free and wear whatever mismatched outfits she cobbles together then now is it as far as I'm concerned.

I only ask my DC to change if the outfit is inappropriate for the weather or doesn't fit. DD loves some of her clothes so will do her best to squeeze into an old favourite even if it's too small - this is the only thing I intefere with!

DS1 is 13 and mostly wears whatever falls out of his wardrobe first

Ha! This made me laugh.

The only thing I ever get eye-rolly at is pre-schoolers wearing band t-shirts like Guns N’ Roses/Nirvana/Rolling Stones that the kid is far too young to be aware of. They will also have been captioned ‘my Little Rock star’ on Facebook. It’s just weird. Why try and force them into liking what you do. Ditto football kits and the matching adult and kids clothes that some retailers do.

I certainly wouldn’t have made any assumptions about favouritism or neglect but it often crosses my mind when eating out or attending family events for example just how acceptable it is for boys to dress in what are often very casual, sloppy clothes, no matter the occasion.

I know society places way too much importance on girls appearance from a young age and that’s a big problem but it’s often the other extreme with boys. On MN and in RL there seems to be a strong view that anything other than joggers or football strip on a boy is equivalent to an instrument of torture! I realise some dc have sensory issues of course but it’s generally not in that context I’ve seen this attitude.

I do expect that dc dress appropriately if we’re eating in a restaurant, invited for a meal at family or friends houses or attending an event. While very casual, mismatched, too small clothing might have been ok at times when they were toddlers, I think as they get older they need guidance on what is appropriate and respectful for different occasions.

As long as it's clean, appropriate for the weather, and won't hinder their activities, I couldn't care less.