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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Me and my partner have had a baby, am I being unreasonable for wanting him to help out more?

67 replies

Elizaemily · 21/08/2021 08:11

Myself and my partner have had a baby this year and we love him so much. My partner has been back to work for well over a month and I believe I’m doing a really good job, including night feeds too so my partner doesn’t have to wake during his time off or when he’s at work. However he makes several comments saying I don’t do enough around the house (which almost mums/dads will know it’s not always possible) I don’t think he appreciates how much of a full time job raising a baby is physically and mentally and quite frankly I’m starting to feel burnt out. I’ve recently restarted taking the pill which is also effecting my moods and adding to the fatigue. He’s also been complaining that we aren’t having intercourse enough but I’m struggling to juggle everything with our baby since I feel I’m doing most things alone. He’ll stroll down the stairs after sleeping for 8-10 hours and I’ll ask how he is and he’ll reply that he’s tired. This is triggering for me considering I’ve been up all night and up since 5am with our baby. He hardly asks how Im holding up or if there’s anything that would help me, even if it’s just offering to have the baby whilst I shower. He’ll often get Impatient and stressed when he has our baby if he cannot settle our son straight away often in resulting in passing him back to me. Since our son was just under two weeks old my partner returned to playing football sometimes 2-3 times a week sometimes straight after/before work and days off. Although I don’t mind him enjoying himself etc I feel it’s slightly selfish to be going so much when I’m at home 24/7 and quite frankly exhausted. I just wish he could give me a hug and tell me I’m doing a good job rather than acting like i have nothing to complain about. I don’t complain I just wish I’d have a little more support even if it’s letting me have an hours sleep when he wakes up. I have tried to speak to him several times about all of this but he’s very defensive and I feel like it gets us nowhere.Is anybody else going through the same thing?

OP posts:

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 08:15

Is he a professional footballer? If not then he shouldn't be going out so much unless you are given the same amount if time to do whatever you want.

MaskingForIt · 21/08/2021 08:16

Was the baby planned or was it an “accident“?

Original poster

Elizaemily · 21/08/2021 08:17

He’s not professional he does it for fun, and the baby was planned!

OP posts:

Nextchapterofmybook · 21/08/2021 08:18

He’s a shit partner

Apeirogon · 21/08/2021 08:19

He has a fucking cheek to piss around playing football twice a week and then say you're not keeping the house tidy enough or having second with him often enough seriously he sounds like an absolute twat

Apeirogon · 21/08/2021 08:19

Sex not second

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/08/2021 08:19

He’s a selfish idiot who probably wanted a child without it impacting his life- I’m sure give it a few months he will tell you how lucky you are to be at home whilst he shoulders the financial burden of working.
If your baby isn’t exclusively breastfed go out for a few hours/ a whole day at the wkend and leave him to it!

EileenGC · 21/08/2021 08:20

I would sit him down and ask him how would he feel if you went out 2/3 nights a week and left him with the baby for hours on end. I would ask him what does he think being a dad is about? Just showing up, kissing the baby's head and going out again?

What was agreed when you discussed how the chores would be shared, before the baby arrived? What does he think will happen if/when you go back to work and there are kids needing picked up from nursery, taken to swimming, shopping done and house cleaned? Will he continue going to work and football, and asking how you all are at weekends?

Those are the questions I'd ask him, and look him in the eye and say 'I'm exhausted. You're going to have to start picking up some slack around here because I can't do it all'.

Original poster

Elizaemily · 21/08/2021 08:21

I think what’s frustrating is that he’s wanted a baby for as long as I can remember and when he does have baby, he is very loving. But like I said previously he has very little patience so when baby takes more time to settle he can’t handle it. He’s a very glass is half empty kind of person and often find he can be quite negative about life in general which I find hard to stay positive around! I feel like I’m trying my best to keep everybody happy but don’t really get anything in return

OP posts:

Bambini12 · 21/08/2021 08:21

YANBU
He has no idea how hard it is to look after a baby. While he’s out working you do the childcare and whatever housework you have time for IF you have time as babies are a full time job! Anything after that should be split roughly 50/50 including leisure time.

I went through the same thing with my ex, he refused to step up despite multiple conversations, eventually the resentment set in and asked him to leave when baby was about 3 months. It was much much easier from then on. Best decision I ever made.

kaleidoscopeheartless · 21/08/2021 08:24

What does he do with the baby on the days he's doesn't work?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/08/2021 08:24

Sorry if he was my partner he'd be out and his stuff on the front doorstep. He sounds as thick as shit and selfish doesn't even begin to describe it.

EileenGC · 21/08/2021 08:25

@Elizaemily

He is a dad now. He's going to have to learn patience. How does he plan on dealing with tantrums and teenage strops?

You don't get a choice of how much patience to have. If he is loving towards the baby, he should also be loving towards the baby's mother and support her, stand by her, share the workload because his baby has 2 parents. Not a mum and a weekend dad.

YellowDingy2 · 21/08/2021 08:25

Please don't let him gaslight you into thinking he has is hard and you have it easy. Him being a father to his own child is not him "helping out", it's him being a parent. If things don't improve I'd honestly think long and hard about having another kid this man. It's not at all fair that you have to compromise every part of your life and he doesn't have to compromise anything.

Have you had any days or even hours off or to yourself since baby has been born? It's simply unacceptable and unsustainable for him to not carry out any parenting duties at all. You'll grow to resent him massively (sounds like that's already starting!). Try talk to him and put your foot down, if he doesn't like it and nothing changes then you need to make a decision on whether it's all worth it.

KatieKat88 · 21/08/2021 08:27

No I'm not going through the same thing, because my husband cares about me and our child and therefore actually pulls his weight with child rearing/housework, rather than acting like our needs are an inconvenience.

Apologies for the potentially over harsh phrasing but I'm sick of hearing about shit partners who can't be bothered to adapt their lives for the ones they're supposed to love. If I were in that situation I'd re-assess my feelings about my partner.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/08/2021 08:27

He shouldn’t be helping out he should be parenting
Yes changes are necessary. He should be the one getting up at 5 with baby. You should have equal leisure time, the sex pestering and mean comments need to stop. And yes you are doing a great job and he should be acknowledging that!
Can’t link because on my phone but google “how can you sleep so soundly. A letter to every new father” and read it.
Have a really good think about what you want from your life. Best wishes

Original poster

Elizaemily · 21/08/2021 08:27

Thank you so so much for all of your responses! I thought I was going crazy. When I brought up the football problem it would kind of get turned around on me and It would look like I’m being the selfish one for even asking him to choose me and the baby over going out. Like I’ve said before I have no problem him going out from time to time but there’s absolutely no balance!!

OP posts:

JRKismyhero · 21/08/2021 08:28

Mine was like this. It wasn't football though. It was staying at work to actively avoid his crying and tired wife. We've never been the same tbh.

Unanananana · 21/08/2021 08:32

He sounds as thick and mince and a selfish twat to boot. There are so many threads on here about women who have feckless partners that refuse to 'help'. Do you work? If so, what is the plan when you return from maternity.

You'd be better off alone. One less person to clear up after and you'd get some free time where he'd have to parent his child. Find your back bone and tell him to step up or fuck off.

Unanananana · 21/08/2021 08:33

*as thick as mince

MrsPumpkinSeed · 21/08/2021 08:34

You need to call him out in this behaviour. At the weekends he needs to do the night feeds at least one night and do this 'cleaning' while you go out in a saturday.

When you come back tell him 'oh It's not as clean as I would expect since you are so particular'

My dh was great at night feeds but used to pre plan Saturdays (going to his parents every Saturday and putting his feet up for most of the day and came back for cooker meal at six). When our second child came along things had to change. Now he takes the kids with him and I get to do something myself. But there were a lot of arguments the early days they see things as womens work.

MrsPumpkinSeed · 21/08/2021 08:36

Cooked

PermanentTemporary · 21/08/2021 08:37

I'm sorry to say that he's being an absolute grade 1 old school wanker. And for the sake of your relationship you need to get angry NOW. Which clearly is not you; you are taking on practically the whole of the baby care including monitoring how he's feeling the whole time even if he is doing a short stint, and being the default carer at all times. If he's not enjoying it, he gets to hard the baby back (or if you can see the baby is not enjoying it, you take them back).

Do you see that when he decided to go to footy X nights a week, he not only decided what he would be doing those nights, he decided what you would be doing, without asking you? You'd be looking after the baby. Because with a young child, someone has to be 'on' all the time. He's just assuming he can do as much or as little as he likes, and you will do the rest, with no consultation.

And the actual baby care. Does he know anything about it? Has he read books, asked other parents, listened to podcasts, watched YouTube videos learning how to do it? Did he ask his mum, does he have young siblings he helped with? I doubt it. Because parenting is women's work, so it can't possibly be hard, can it. Controlling your feelings, using patience, adjusting your language and pace, observing your baby and watching for those cues that tell you they're tired, planning the day around their routine and preferences, making parent friends and fostering relationships so that they learn how to make friends? None of that could be HARD, could it? None of it could require his full attention? Because women do it all the time. So it must be shit easy.

He has no fucking idea. Many sex lives basically never recover from this fundamental betrayal, this discovery that your lovely partner actually has no respect for one if the hardest and most central experiences of your life.

Dragon50 · 21/08/2021 08:38

How much housework did he do before you had the baby? Can he not go back to doing that amount at least?

You are not being unreasonable at all, he is taking the piss.

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2021 08:46

Did he even do any housework before the baby? I don’t think he’s likely to change; he sounds entitled and he’s acting like a knob

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