Me and my partner have had a baby, am I being unreasonable for wanting him to help out more?

[Elizaemily]

Myself and my partner have had a baby this year and we love him so much. My partner has been back to work for well over a month and I believe I’m doing a really good job, including night feeds too so my partner doesn’t have to wake during his time off or when he’s at work. However he makes several comments saying I don’t do enough around the house (which almost mums/dads will know it’s not always possible) I don’t think he appreciates how much of a full time job raising a baby is physically and mentally and quite frankly I’m starting to feel burnt out. I’ve recently restarted taking the pill which is also effecting my moods and adding to the fatigue. He’s also been complaining that we aren’t having intercourse enough but I’m struggling to juggle everything with our baby since I feel I’m doing most things alone. He’ll stroll down the stairs after sleeping for 8-10 hours and I’ll ask how he is and he’ll reply that he’s tired. This is triggering for me considering I’ve been up all night and up since 5am with our baby. He hardly asks how Im holding up or if there’s anything that would help me, even if it’s just offering to have the baby whilst I shower. He’ll often get Impatient and stressed when he has our baby if he cannot settle our son straight away often in resulting in passing him back to me. Since our son was just under two weeks old my partner returned to playing football sometimes 2-3 times a week sometimes straight after/before work and days off. Although I don’t mind him enjoying himself etc I feel it’s slightly selfish to be going so much when I’m at home 24/7 and quite frankly exhausted. I just wish he could give me a hug and tell me I’m doing a good job rather than acting like i have nothing to complain about. I don’t complain I just wish I’d have a little more support even if it’s letting me have an hours sleep when he wakes up. I have tried to speak to him several times about all of this but he’s very defensive and I feel like it gets us nowhere.Is anybody else going through the same thing?

He needs to support you more, but it can be difficult to really understand how much work a baby is if you're not the main carer. If he tries to hand the baby back, tell him you're not a magic baby calming wizard and he has to put in the work too. Going out to work is a break compared to baby, if he gets 2-3 trips to football a week, you get the same amount of time either out of the house at an activity of your choice or to sit quietly with a book etc. You need more support, and he needs to appreciate how hard babies are, but if he's a half decent person he'll pull his finger out and be kind when he realises how hard your job is.

Good post @PermanentTemporary I think another thing about these types is they are happy to be 1950s man when it suits but they don't want to do the traditional man's jobs around the house, and as soon as the dc is at school they start wishing their wife had a job bringing in equal wages and fancying the professional looking girls at work.

You’ve learnt what he’s like now.
Don’t even think of having a second child with him.

Next time he comments on the housework needing doing, THANK him as in.
Omg you for saying your doing the washing up ,would be such a help, as I know you can see how much it takes just to look after the baby.
With the sex, same thing yeah I know it's so full on with the baby, can we plan out what tasks your going to take on, so I feel less tired and can get some R&R for me, as I know you will understand as your football is your me time.

OP I am in a similar situation. We have a 2 month old baby.

DH works from home full time (9-50:30). I look after the baby all day and night including all feeds. I am BFing but like you I would appreciate him entertaining baby for an hour in the morning so I can sleep or shower. He says he's working. I suggested he does it before he starts work at 9. He did do so on Wednesday and Thursday this week - took baby for 20 mins so I could have a shower - but he can't cope with him if he cries and he tries to hand him back, saying he's hungry! Or he'll bring him in the bathroom while I'm showering and then follow me into the bedroom where I'm getting dressed. I ask him give him me some privacy so I can put a panty liner and breast pads in my underwear without him watching!

I thought he had understood and was going to have baby every morning but today I went in at 8:45 and he didn't want to get up, said he'd come on a bit. It's 9:05 now and I can't hear him snoring!

He is going out a lot on evenings and weekends while I am "on" constantly! He's asking like he's single, basically. Last night he was up watching a film until about 2 am which is probably why he can't get up now!

He has started cooking dinner in the evenings which helps but he doesn't see how much free time he has while I sometimes feel like I can't put baby down to go to the loo!

Oh he gets a good 8-12 hours at night not envy

Maybe envy!

Can you go out for the day at the weekend? I’d have an afternoon to myself, then come back and ask how much housework he’s got done?

It sounds like your world has totally changed snd his hardly has at all.
It’s so hard to find a good balance, especially for dads who aren’t confident snd see Mum’s who look like they have it all sorted.
But it sounds like he needs to pull his weight more and support you properly. The fact he’s even thinking it’s appropriate to complain about sex shows how little he understands how you feel. You need to tell him. Try to tell him without placing any blame on him, he’s not stupid, he knows it’s because he’s not helping you but it might help it stop seeing like you’re having a go & actually get him to step up.
Eg “I need to have more sleep, 3-4 hours a night isn’t sustainable and I’m starting to feel poorly & struggle. I need you to take the baby for a few hours every weekend so I can catch up / have a lie in / nap.”
“I need some time to myself without the baby, if you’re doing football twice a week I’m going to go out on Thursdays” (or whatever)
If he doesn’t start helping you then that’s him showing you he doesn’t care and obviously a different issue.

Does he do night feeds at weekends? Each of you should get a lie in at weekends.

Could you go out one evening a week? Even just to you Mum's for a cuppa? He's not going to get any more patient with the baby if you're around to save him. When we're on mat leave and know the baby so well, I think women can tend to step in because they know they can settle the baby quicker but a couple of minutes crying until Dad figures it out won't harm the baby and will strengthen their relationship. You don't want to get to your child being a 4 year old calling "Mum" for everything, even when Dad is in the same room!

My husband works 4 days (at my request) and he takes our baby for the first 2-3 hour shift first thing so I can lie in (till 8). He also would love to do bath and bed but she’s asleep by the time he gets home. He does at least half the cooking and cleaning and care at the weekend.

Trust me when I say this as I speak from bitter experience. He’s a shit partner, a shit dad, he will never ever ever change and you will slowly become a ball of angry, furious resentment as you mourn the life you once had and the absolute unfairness of the inequality of this life you lead. It will only get worse if you go back to work.

Your DP can't have it both ways.

He can't have lots of sleep and "him time" for his hobbies, hand the baby back to you after 5mins and then turn around and say the YOU don't do enough with him/the baby.

If caring for the baby is so easy, then he can do more parenting.

If caring for the baby is difficult, he needs to do more to support you.

Which is he suggesting?

You have an easy life? In which case swap. He can have a week of sole care of the baby, you getting full nights sleep and hobbies etc.

Baby is hard work? Well he needs to step up then doesn't he?

Make him use actions to explain his point. As of today, do no housework or care for the baby, just take yourself off for the weekend, and return early Monday morning in them for him to go to work.
If you return and he is well-rested, the house is spotless and he is cheery-chirpy, having had no free time and he's ready to put on a sexual display for you, then maybe he has a point, but I doubt VERY much that would be the case.

Your not selfish enough, football twice a week, you go to a mates twice a week or a coffee shop with a book sit down and have a rest. Take your time back.

but it can be difficult to really understand how much work a baby is if you're not the main carer

I’m not the main carer of a baby and I can still understand how bloody hard that kind of work is. If someone has actually decided to have a baby, they have the mental capacity to also see how hard it is. Ignoring the problem won’t solve it, which is what many men try to do.

Of course hes defensive, he doesnt want to change. And the touched out feeling at that age is so real.

Can you make a list showing work time for him and childcare for you amd explain that the rest is 5050. So who is holding baby while the other scrubs the toilet? Who is changing a nappy alwhile the other cooks. What evenings are you bith having as leisure? Do it in hiurs to hammer home the point- 15 mins to football, 2 hours there, 15 mins back, 15 mins shower = 2.45 hours for you to watch tv/walk/read/craft/bath and just not hold baby. If he brings baby to feed, pause the clock.

You are on maternity to stay at home and care for your baby. Not to do housework.

What an arsehole. Your partner needs to open his eyes a bit and stop being a moron. Regardless of how defensive he might be, you need to have a very frank and honest discussion with him regarding this. He needs to support you way more, both physically and emotionally.

He’s being super unfair. He needs to pull his weight you should be having lay ins while he takes baby. You need time alone he gets lots of down time why don’t you? Yanbu don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are

Agree with all the comments so far. He's being a selfish twat.

Who would want to have sex with such a lazy selfish twat?

Address it with him now, and get his commitment to do more or this is your life forever.

He doesn't want his life to change at all since baby came along, which means he wants you to take on 100% of the childcare chores.

You need to push back on this hard, right now. Otherwise a pattern will be set that will last for years.

Your mat leave means that you're looking after LO 9-5 (or whatever his working hours are). Outside of that all childcare and housework is split 50:50. Don't give him an inch on that - he needs to understand how much work 50% is.

He wants to play football three times a week after work? That means you get the other two evenings off entirely - he takes the baby for the whole evening and sorts out dinner for you both.

At the weekend, you both get one lie-in...assuming he's doing half the overnights. If he doesn't want to do the overnights, he could trade for his lie-in, so you get both.

And weekend days, make sure it doesn't just default to you doing everything. He needs to take baby out for a walk, or sort out baby's bottles, and alternate nappy changes with you.

If you only demand a tiny bit of childcare from him, he'll never understand how much you're doing. Have you discussed him taking some parental leave? Did he even consider that he might be the one looking after baby while you went back to work?

He needs to know that having a baby is a full-time, 24/7 job. He works FT presumably five days a week and presumably for a limited number of hours. Outside that time, babycare is as much his responsibility as yours. If you take on night feeds because he has to get up, then he takes on evening care so you can put your feet up. He does shopping on his way back from work, and he takes on most of the cooking. If he needs time out for his hobbies/entertainment (and with a small baby, there sometimes isn't time for this) then so do you. When you need time - to shower, have a cup of tea, a brief feet-up period, he looks after the baby. It's the only way he will bond with his child, and he needs to do that.

And most importantly, he needs to step and be an adult; and learn how to cope with a fractious baby. Word of warning: my ex was exactly like this. When I made him start doing his share, his impatience got the better of him, and he yelled at our baby son when he wouldn't stop crying, and threatened to hit him. End of relationship.

If the baby was planned, did you discuss those things before? About how much involvement each of you will have, how much downtime, how will responsibilities be split?

If he spends 6 hours away playing football a week that's 6 hours for you and that's only fair. If he disagrees with that I would LTB to be honest as it sounds like you're just looking after an extra child.

He’s a shit partner and should be doing 50% of the housework/parenting when he is at home. I would start telling him his shortcomings!

It makes me sad & angry to read about so many relationships where the man just doesn’t step up! If he wanted a baby, surely he realised he would have to look after it as well as you? I really hope you can talk to him properly & change things. You deserve a lot better OP

so many women putting up with utter shit from useless men.

At a certain point, doesn't it strike you that he doesn't like you very much if he lets you do every night up with baby, gets a full night's sleep himself and complains of being tired? and then complains you aren't doing your housemaid duties as well as he'd like.

I'd be re-thinking the entire relationship. honestly. he is NOT nice at all. he is a user who is mean to you. is this what you want?