Me and my partner have had a baby, am I being unreasonable for wanting him to help out more?

[Elizaemily]

Myself and my partner have had a baby this year and we love him so much. My partner has been back to work for well over a month and I believe I’m doing a really good job, including night feeds too so my partner doesn’t have to wake during his time off or when he’s at work. However he makes several comments saying I don’t do enough around the house (which almost mums/dads will know it’s not always possible) I don’t think he appreciates how much of a full time job raising a baby is physically and mentally and quite frankly I’m starting to feel burnt out. I’ve recently restarted taking the pill which is also effecting my moods and adding to the fatigue. He’s also been complaining that we aren’t having intercourse enough but I’m struggling to juggle everything with our baby since I feel I’m doing most things alone. He’ll stroll down the stairs after sleeping for 8-10 hours and I’ll ask how he is and he’ll reply that he’s tired. This is triggering for me considering I’ve been up all night and up since 5am with our baby. He hardly asks how Im holding up or if there’s anything that would help me, even if it’s just offering to have the baby whilst I shower. He’ll often get Impatient and stressed when he has our baby if he cannot settle our son straight away often in resulting in passing him back to me. Since our son was just under two weeks old my partner returned to playing football sometimes 2-3 times a week sometimes straight after/before work and days off. Although I don’t mind him enjoying himself etc I feel it’s slightly selfish to be going so much when I’m at home 24/7 and quite frankly exhausted. I just wish he could give me a hug and tell me I’m doing a good job rather than acting like i have nothing to complain about. I don’t complain I just wish I’d have a little more support even if it’s letting me have an hours sleep when he wakes up. I have tried to speak to him several times about all of this but he’s very defensive and I feel like it gets us nowhere.Is anybody else going through the same thing?

Minding a human is as important as doing a job imo, he can take a turn at nights and be tired the next day. He's a selfish person and needs to step up. When baby is older and you're feeling more in control with more sleep then he can go back to his football 2-3 times a week, this all takes time and don't feel like you're not doing great or that you're not normal most of us have been there x

Your partner is shit, but if you look back at your relationship with open eyes, you probably could have seen this coming. Good men, men who view their partners as equals do not behave like this when their children are born. There are always warning signs for shit, useless men.

You can either put up with this bullshit or get rid of him.

more than 50 years ago when I was a baby with colic my dad did every second night up with me so they each got one full night's sleep. That's what a decent man does.

No he should not "help" more.
He should be active ly being a parent same as you.
It s not about "helping" it s being involved and equally sharing the bad bits like no sleep
Leave him and take baby to your family few weeks to get some support.

Then talk about how it s going to be.

Does he care about you, OP? Because it strikes me that he just cares about football and doing what he wants to do. Stand up for yourself, make him start to actually parent his own child (that he wanted!)

@Aquamarine1029

Your partner is shit, but if you look back at your relationship with open eyes, you probably could have seen this coming. Good men, men who view their partners as equals do not behave like this when their children are born. There are always warning signs for shit, useless men.

You can either put up with this bullshit or get rid of him.

Agree totally, but I think some women, in their desperation for a baby, overlook the poor behaviour of their men and then have a shock when they realise how hard looking after a baby actually is

Op, ask him how he’ll cope with 50:50 custody if you split up due to his selfishness.

What a peach. He clearly thinks that babies are women’s work and his life can continue as before and you’ll continue to do everything and sort the house. I wouldn’t put up with that at all. It’s hard to get your head straight when you’re tired/exhausted and overwhelmed. But you need to talk to him and tell him his pre baby life has gone for good you’re a family and the pair of you should be a team, compromising and helping each other out. It’s not fair to leave everything to you and mill about without a care in the world. I hope things can change for you op, and your husband can step up. Really sad to read this tbh

You are not alone, you are describing problems many young women have encountered for the first time when they have a baby since the beginning of time. Don't hold it all in and then have it all come out in resentment. Ask for a time to talk together about how adjusting to baby is going. If he gets defensive say 'ok, not now then, I'm looking to have a helpful conversation about how we go forward, let me know when you can do that'. Agree things like how much free time you both get, that he does not by default assume that you will be with baby, that when he gets in from football he has to step in and give you a break. Work out how he builds practice and confidence in soothing baby (you might need to step back /go out, not micromanage). Figure out what he needs. Talk about how you manage your joint finances because you are taking a scary step into lowering your earning potential and being financially reliant on him (and if you weren't he would have to cover 50% of the parenting). Don't let it feater, try to sort it out maturely.

YABU for putting up with this prick. What a loser he is.

YABU for expecting him to "help out".
He actually has an obligation to do half of everything as it's his home and his baby, he doesn't "help out" he takes responsibility for his home and offspring like a proper adult.
He is behaving like a teenager.

Stay on the pill
Do not have another child with him .

Will you be going back to work?

He sounds like a twat. Put your foot down OP and one day just go out for the afternoon leave him with baby. Sometimes it takes extreme measures to get your point across

I always write on these statuses about how angry it makes me.

I have a few friends with partners like this and I think it's disgusting.

My friends have all stayed with their (crap) partners and the kids are now 3/4 years old. They told their partners several times that they needed help. Nothing ever changed. Their partners still go out on their bikes/surfing/gym all the time. They leave early in the morning and come home late at night and they don't help out at all. The Mums do everything, never have time to themselves and have to take their kids absolutely everywhere with them and have no break.

Obviously I don't know your partner so who knows if he would change, but personally if there are no signs of changing over the next few months, I would genuinely leave. Easy for someone else to say though I guess!

So he loves the baby very much but doesn’t want to do any actual parenting, still goes out to all his hobbies and complains about you not doing much. He sounds great. So basically, his life hasn’t changed.

He sounds really awful! I also have a small baby and I’m breastfeeding but my husband takes a turn in with the baby when I say I need a sleep in the spare room and he gives her a bottle if she wakes up. When she was very small he did this every night for one of the wake ups. He will always hold the baby so I can take a shower. He does about 60% of baby’s baths and about 70% of the evening meals for us. And much more. We also have an older child and he has stepped up to do a lot more with that child while I’m busy feeding the baby (if not breastfeeding then we could have shared it more between the two children). He’s not a superhero though and doesn’t need a medal. He’s just a decent husband and father. He’s rubbish at housework but doesn’t nag me about it either. He does chores like the dishwasher and bins and will do other things if reminded but he definitely doesn’t see it as something I should be doing all of! My priority is the baby.