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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

. . . to think parents are being naive about our "inheritance"?

314 replies

OhFFSNotAnotherVirus · 21/08/2021 08:04

Just pondering . . . for some reason it's niggling at me, maybe because I find their lack of understanding frustrating!

I also want to point out that I in no way "expect" anything from my parents - I've been financially independent since I was 18 and I'm proud of what I've achieved by myself.

Parent are 65, I have one brother and one sister. Parents gave my brother their life savings (close to £100k) so he could buy a nicer house than he could afford by himself. Parents told me and my sister that they would change their wills to leave their house (a small townhouse worth about £200k) to the two of us, to make it fair.

I don't think it is fair, though. Chances are the house will be sold in the future to pay for their care. They seem blissfully unaware that this is a possibility - or a likelihood - and seem almost smug about having done the right thing by all three of their children. I've brought up the possibility that the house might need to be sold to pay for care, but they dismissed this, saying absolutely not, they wouldn't be going into a home, they'd rather go to Dignitas first . . .

I'm saying nothing further, there's no point and I know there's no entitlement here. But AIBU to be a bit . . . Hmm?

Oh and this all happened a couple of years ago and they haven't changed their wills anyway Grin

OP posts:
ancientgran · 21/08/2021 14:52

@OhFFSNotAnotherVirus

It's odd because it's actually not the money that grates - I'm content with where I am financially, I've never relied on any help or expected anything from my parents. It's simply their belief that they've "looked after" all three of us equally that grates a little when something reminds me about it and it pops into my head.

I think it's frustration - maybe it's hard to see them getting older and not as switched-on or savvy as they used to be? They seem deluded. A small part of me wants to point out the cold hard facts to them.

But I won't - I love them, and I love my siblings, so I wouldn't do anything to hurt any of them. I have pointed out in the past that the house would be sold to pay for care; to point it out again, or to argue that they can't predict what's going to happen to them as they get older, would labour the point and no good would come of it.

Can you reframe this so that you see it as them spending their money on something that makes them happy. They want to see the three of you with a nice house and decent life, you and your sister managed that and they helped your brother.

I bet if they said they were going to blow their savings on a round the world cruise or some fabulous additions to their house that you know won't add value you'd say great, enjoy your money. Forget your brother in this and just think mum and dad have spent money to make them happy and that's fine. It might help.

ancientgran · 21/08/2021 14:57

@DuesToTheDirt

How old are you now OP? People are talking a lot about the money going on care, but an alternative scenario is that they live to a ripe old age and you inherit the house when you're 80 and don't have much use for the money any more.
Parents can be so inconsiderate, I mean they should all die when their kids can enjoy their inheritance.
kidsatuniemptynester · 21/08/2021 15:03

@Ginfilledcats

My in laws have put their house in my husband and his sisters name (they're early 60s) and pay a token rent if £1 a month. This bypasses the house being used to pay for their care as long as it's in their sons name for 7 years before any costs are needed.

My parents are going to do the same I think.

Better check that. Market rent needs to be paid otherwise it could be deemed to be deprivation of assets. Besides which, this effectively means that I, as a tax payer will have to cough up for your parents/in-laws care in order for you to inherit a bit more money. Nice
TractorAndHeadphones · 21/08/2021 16:32

@CleanQueen123

They definitely do investigate deprevation of assets. My grandmother signed her property over to my mother and they were both living there. Within 2 months my grandmother had had a stroke and needed to move into a care home.

The LA went over everything with a fine tooth comb. Although in their case it was eventually decided that it wasn't deprevation of assets.

It was a really stressful time and not something I'd advise people to do with the expectation that they'll get away with it.

What evidence made it not count as deprivation of assets?
CleanQueen123 · 21/08/2021 16:46

@TractorAndHeadphones it mostly seemed to hinge on there being no indication that she was going to have a stroke.

The motivation for signing the house over had nothing to do with attempting to avoid paying for her care.

It was very up in the air for a while. The LA practically accused my mother of conveniently causing the stroke Hmm and it took some quite stern words from a doctor to convince them that wasn't the case and no one could have predicted it would happen.

MauveMagnolia · 21/08/2021 16:52

@Ginfilledcats

My in laws have put their house in my husband and his sisters name (they're early 60s) and pay a token rent if £1 a month. This bypasses the house being used to pay for their care as long as it's in their sons name for 7 years before any costs are needed.

My parents are going to do the same I think.

Bonkers thing to do They will be Lya me for capital gains tax and it could still fall under deprivation of assets.

Did they take legal advice? I assume not

MauveMagnolia · 21/08/2021 16:54

@Ginfilledcats

My in laws have put their house in my husband and his sisters name (they're early 60s) and pay a token rent if £1 a month. This bypasses the house being used to pay for their care as long as it's in their sons name for 7 years before any costs are needed.

My parents are going to do the same I think.

Oh and paying the £1 a months confirms it is deprivation

Did your DH have all the required certificates and electrical surveys and landlord insurance ?

phishy · 21/08/2021 16:56

No surprise that your brother the male got the £100k and you and your sister didn’t.

My brother is inheriting the family home and yet sisters and I are expected to do all the care for them.

It’s beyond rage inducing.

SamVimes6 · 21/08/2021 17:07

Your parents are 65. They could easily live for another 30+ years. Then that townhouse will be worth substantially more and the sibling that took their savings will be expecting their share again, because the cash they had 30 odd years ago will be long forgotten.

Where there’s a will, there’s usually an argument! I don’t think your parents are being fair on any of you, but… it’s their money. You can’t tell them how to divi up the inheritance.

thecatsthecats · 21/08/2021 17:14

I can see my parents ending up making a mistake like that.

They own two houses plus have significant funds for care, but they have a misguided sense of what is fair and desirable by all parties.

One house - where my sister and I grew up - is theoretically worth up to treble the other, but in reality needs hundreds of thousands of pounds worth to reach that value on the market (as evidenced by the house next door). Realistically only worth twice as much.

The other is old fashioned but could be sold fairly quickly.

My sister and I would like to rent out our old house and then I would live in it (sister wouldn't want to live there). My brother has no sentimental attachment to either house and would just want the money.

Yet he's been made executor, and we're pretty sure they've split the whole thing three ways. And now they're talking about making direct provision for portions of the houses to grandchildren! Just asking for trouble, and given my brother is an awkward sod, will cause no end of rows.

TractorAndHeadphones · 21/08/2021 18:34

[quote CleanQueen123]@TractorAndHeadphones it mostly seemed to hinge on there being no indication that she was going to have a stroke.

The motivation for signing the house over had nothing to do with attempting to avoid paying for her care.

It was very up in the air for a while. The LA practically accused my mother of conveniently causing the stroke Hmm and it took some quite stern words from a doctor to convince them that wasn't the case and no one could have predicted it would happen.[/quote]
That’s interesting. As far as I have seen it’s not whether they have a condition that needs care. If anyone is of sufficiently advanced age then it’s deemed deprivation of assets
If it’s a 70 year old (no matter how spry) it would definitely be deprivation. Probably not with a 55 year old

TractorAndHeadphones · 21/08/2021 18:35

@phishy

No surprise that your brother the male got the £100k and you and your sister didn’t.

My brother is inheriting the family home and yet sisters and I are expected to do all the care for them.

It’s beyond rage inducing.

I hope you put your foot down (like my mother and aunt) and said no can do!
TractorAndHeadphones · 21/08/2021 18:37

Also sorry to go off track OP but this thread is really useful in terms - a couple of older relatives are going to give their kids (my cousins) money for a house deposit and I didn’t

TractorAndHeadphones · 21/08/2021 18:39

*didn’t know about all this deprivation of assegs. Going to make sure they take legal advice

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 21/08/2021 18:42

@thecatsthecats

I can see my parents ending up making a mistake like that.

They own two houses plus have significant funds for care, but they have a misguided sense of what is fair and desirable by all parties.

One house - where my sister and I grew up - is theoretically worth up to treble the other, but in reality needs hundreds of thousands of pounds worth to reach that value on the market (as evidenced by the house next door). Realistically only worth twice as much.

The other is old fashioned but could be sold fairly quickly.

My sister and I would like to rent out our old house and then I would live in it (sister wouldn't want to live there). My brother has no sentimental attachment to either house and would just want the money.

Yet he's been made executor, and we're pretty sure they've split the whole thing three ways. And now they're talking about making direct provision for portions of the houses to grandchildren! Just asking for trouble, and given my brother is an awkward sod, will cause no end of rows.

You think your parents are wrong to just split their estate 3 ways? Wtf? Why on earth shouldn't they?

If you and you sister want to buy your brother out on the house you want, there's nothing stopping you. You're just pissed off that you're not getting special treatment.

CleanQueen123 · 21/08/2021 18:48

To be honest @TractorAndHeadphones I was surprised as well. I was pretty certain they'd decide it was deprevation of assets but they didn't.

They did go over everything and speak to her doctors and the solicitor who advised and organised the house transfer.

They definitely wouldn't have just taken my mother's word for it that it hadn't been deliberately planned.

tigger1001 · 21/08/2021 19:16

@Ginfilledcats

My in laws have put their house in my husband and his sisters name (they're early 60s) and pay a token rent if £1 a month. This bypasses the house being used to pay for their care as long as it's in their sons name for 7 years before any costs are needed.

My parents are going to do the same I think.

I would take legal advise on that.

It certainly doesn't remove it from their estate for tax purposes and these type of arrangements have significantly been clamped down on to stop this very scenario.

Grellbunt · 21/08/2021 20:02

@phishy

No surprise that your brother the male got the £100k and you and your sister didn’t.

My brother is inheriting the family home and yet sisters and I are expected to do all the care for them.

It’s beyond rage inducing.

I cannot believe people still do this in this day and age...
tickledtiger · 21/08/2021 20:03

I don’t blame you for being upset!

Your brother probably put them under pressure… It’s such a gigantic amount of money.

They obviously realise it’s not equal treatment but maybe they feel awkward about it.

billy1966 · 21/08/2021 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

billy1966 · 21/08/2021 20:17

@phishy

No surprise that your brother the male got the £100k and you and your sister didn’t.

My brother is inheriting the family home and yet sisters and I are expected to do all the care for them.

It’s beyond rage inducing.

Why are you doing it? I just wouldn't do it.

Tell them to contact your brother.

phishy · 21/08/2021 20:25

@billy1966 my mum is scared of my brother and she says she has no power. It’s a messed up situation.

joangray38 · 21/08/2021 20:36

My neighbour went to DIGNITAS - took months to go through all the psychological testing - prove she was of sound mind and illnesses had to be reassessed privately. Cost over £10,000 plus DIGNITAS don’t always accept you and will COVID people can’t easily access them.

ancientgran · 21/08/2021 20:40

[quote phishy]@billy1966 my mum is scared of my brother and she says she has no power. It’s a messed up situation.[/quote]
She can change her will and not tell him, what can he do when she's dead?

tempester28 · 21/08/2021 21:16

If they are only 65 then it gets worse ha ha! You are probably right, but out of kindness, I would allow them their delusion. They now have three kids who own a house and that is probably what they see as equal. It is down to the fact that it sounds like your sister made better decisions earlier on in life and they have given your brother a leg up. On one level it is not fair but I would let it go for your peace of mind.