Baby feels like an effort

[Newmama93]

Hi mums,

I really am struggling with all my friends and family telling me this is ‘normal’ when deep down I know it isn’t. I have a 4.5 month old son, I’m in aus so lockdown for 9 weeks now, I’m a SAHM. My son is teething and is getting really bored of being in the house, he gets bored of his play mat, rocker and toys within a few minutes. I have to constantly play with him or hold him or he fusses and cries. He also isn’t sleeping longer than an hour stretch at nightmare. The issue I’m having is when my partner arranges to do something fun like a picnic outside or a swim in the spa My feeling is urghhh our baby is here, we can’t just relax in the spa the two of us and enjoy a wine I have to entertain him the whole time and I’m just in tears that I’m not enjoying him the way I really want to, I honestly don’t feel like I enjoy him, I think about it all day long, I want to just have a movie day or have a spa night without the constant stress of making sure my baby is happy. I also constantly wait for nap time and count down the minutes until he naps and is in bed, isn’t motherhood supposed to be adoring your baby and loving the time you spend with him? I want to love the time we spend together, it feels like a complete chore.

Mind you I am a very good mum to him, I do everything for him and his needs are completely met so please don’t tell me I’m not a good mum as I cannot take that right now I’m beating myself up all day every day as it is.

Also to add to this, I have had one nights break where I went for a walk with a friend and had a drink, I didn’t feel better after it.

I found motherhood a grind a lot of the time, especially in the first 6 months and tbh really until school! But the good bits were only good because I'd put the hours in. You might do better thinking of it as a job rather than something amazing.

Lockdown with a baby sounds insanely hard. I only survived babyhood due to other mums. 4.5 is way tough, it will get easier than this and you'll have more good moments

Motherhood is a slog, and with a lockdown on top it is not surprising you feel how you do. Lots of people don't enjoy the baby stage but it will get better, just hang in there!

Having a baby is a huge adjustment and it can be really hard. A lot of mums feel like you at this stage. It does get easier. Baby will probably get less fussy with age and you'll be able to relax and enjoy him more. Fussy babies are tiresome but it doesn't last forever.

Nobody would say you're a bad mum for having normal feelings - if anything the fact that you're beating yourself up so much about it shows you're a good mum!

If you're really struggling then maybe speak to your doctor about PND.

Congratulations on your baby. Like your family and friends have said already this is normal. I absolutely did not enjoy my first. He was very high needs as a baby. Clingy, didn't sleep much etc. The phase you're going through can be tough and lockdown can make it tougher.
Can you have a chat with your health visitor or your GP as looking back I had a touch of PND but didn't realize it. Please speak to someone even if it is your husband or friends. Having a baby is a huge life changing shock and it took me a while to settle into motherhood. How long is your lockdown? Can you go for walks within your allowed km? Is it possible for your partner to take some time off work just to give you a break for a few days even to get a good nights sleep? It is tough and you're a great mum don't be hard on yourself and please speak to a health professional. This is a phase that will pass.x

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, OP, but children are a massive, constant chore. Your feelings are entirely normal because caring for a child is largely thankless and boring, especially when they are very small.

You’re doing an amazing job. But that’s what it is, a job. It’s relentless and it’s tough.

Mine is 6 months.

I’ve come to the conclusion that’s it’s all a big conspiracy- people don’t tell you how hard this is and once you realise, it’s too late

You’re doing nothing wrong and the best advice I’ve had so far is to remember that everything will change, it will get better.

You do need to get some help with the sleep situation though... that’s the main issue for me... sleep deprivation.

Wishing you all the luck xx

Sounds very normal to me for the baby stage. I felt exactly the same. It does get much better :) you adjust to family life and then as your DC gets older you slowly start to get freedoma back. My 5 yo is away for the weekend with DH and I just miss him terribly and realise I now much prefer family life to the freedom.

I think you're feeling this particularly badly because your expectations haven't been met by reality. Especially raising a baby during lockdown which is a whole other level of reality! My DD is 2 in November and much more fun now but it's still hard work and relentless at times. Even when you have a break, all of the work is still there waiting for you when you get back!

I had to reframe my expectations and that really helps. Young children require physical, mental and emotional hard work and routine which can make you feel bored and trapped. It is not meant to be amazing at all times! But all of that effort allows them, and your relationship with them, to grow and develop. That's the bit that's amazing and worth the rest of it.

Oh and yes getting sleep will make everything easier.

Not everyone’s baby experience is the same - some are far more work. I’ve known friends with babies like yours - wouldn’t sleep more than an hour at a time, needing constant interaction and entertainment. My baby wasn’t always the easiest, but she did nap really well, and I bloody needed that time. Not getting it would have made the whole thing impossible (well, not impossible, you have to make it work as there’s no other choice, but pretty close!). You have a difficult baby, and I think there’s nothing wrong with saying that. Doesn’t mean you don’t love him, and is no reflection on the person he will become, but you are finding this tough because it is tough!

Oh, and you say that you have to entertain him all the time when you go out - isn’t your husband also trying to keep your son entertained?

It is a grind at that age, be prepared for not having the life you had before children and I mean that in a gentle way.
They will spoil things because they are tiny and become bored quickly and it's hard to get them to fit in with you because their needs are different. I found it hard at first too ( this was many years ago now ) I was shocked at the amount of time you had to spend with them and it is constant. They are demanding.
It will get better in time, but it's not easy in the early years.

Sounds a lot like my old experience with DS. I had to be with him constantly when he was that age. I’d read about babies that would sleep for three hours in the afternoon and I kept waiting for it to happen so I could do something for myself.

What helped me? Accepting that he needed me more than anyone else and embracing it. Once I stopped trying to get some alone time I started to love being with him.

I starting cosleeping when he was 6 months (previously he’d been in a cot joined to the bed). He then started sleeping in three hour chunks rather than 1-2 hours. I also started having him nap on my pillow on my knee. This made him nap for two hours rather than 20 minutes. I’d get myself a drink and some snacks and relax and watch TV. I started to love that time.

I also started carrying him in a sling rather than a pram. He loved that too.

It was still tough but so much better. Being a mother is hard, what worked for me may not work for you but I hope you manage to find a solution that makes you happy.

I’ve come to the conclusion that’s it’s all a big conspiracy- people don’t tell you how hard this is and once you realise, it’s too late
Same!

I promise it will get easier OP. In the meantime it sounds like you need to spend time with your partner without baby? Like a meal out or something? Sounds like that's tricky right now where you are with lockdowns etc but as soon as you're able to do you think that might help?

isn’t motherhood supposed to be adoring your baby and loving the time you spend with him?

Lol no.

It's fucking hard OP and it's fine to acknowledge that.

I do love my son of course, and there are a lot of times when I genuinely enjoy the time we spend together but a lot of the time it is a slog and I imagine a lot of mothers, most in fact, feel the same at some point. Don't beat yourself up.

Lockdown won't help either. I have a countdown on my phone with the days until my son is due to stay at my mum's for the night 👋🤣

Where is your partner in all this? When is he looking after the baby to give you a break? Because that's what you need, a regular break and sleep.

My mum often used to say to me ' don't have children' ( she loved us and was a fab mum , but she said it was hard work , but of course I did and I love them dearly , but both were hard work in different ways. Children just are.

Tv , the soaps and other programmes give an unrealistic view of parenthood too I think. They rarely show the slog it can be.
I thought it would be easier than it is , it gets better as they get older , but the early years can be tough with a few nice bits along the way!

I felt exactly like this. Zero family help. I didn't want baby groups or long walks, I wanted regular child free time on my own.
At four months I put DC1 in nursery pt and went back to work. Instantly felt 1000% better.
DC2 went at five months two years later.
Now 18 and 16 and never a single regret.
We're all bonded well enough.

Young babies are a lot of work. But it also sounds like you're having a particularly hard time. If your baby isn't sleeping for more than an hour at a time presumably that means you aren't sleeping for more than an hour at a time? That, all by itself, will lead to feelings of not being able to cope and possibly depression. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and it's insanely bad for you. Do you have any way to get yourself the odd good, full night's sleep?

I suspect that would be better for you than a walk with a friend at this stage, though once you've caught up on some sleep, don't push those friendships away. You need to look after yourself to look after your DC.

Husband & father here. DD is 4.5 months old. My wife is saying all the same things as you, topped off by the fact that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. My wife really appreciates when I schedule time to take DD away and she gets the opportunity to do something she wants on her own at least for a couple of hours - even if it's going in for a nice bath or even a shower - little things make her feel better.

The one thing I have faith in though is that baby advancements happen in sudden leaps, I have not seen DD change or develop gradually, its always overnight. In the meantime, its really about finding moments where you can recharge to start again until your DS finds his way out of the stage he is at.

My wife has found it frustrating and mind-numbing, to the extent that seeing people with more than 1 child almost triggers her. At this stage it seems counter intuitive to her to do it to herself once more - but there must be a penny that drops that draws people into having their second child and beyond - waiting for it!

Best wishes with this phase and I'm sure it will take a turn.

I found four months a particularly tough age. My son is 7 months now and much easier.

At four months they start to realise they’re not a part of you anymore. There’s lots of interesting things to look at but they’re an immobile blob that can’t go anywhere without you and their hands don’t work. I don’t think the crabbiness is boredom as sheer frustration at their plight Throw in painful gums and no wonder they get grumpy. DS shouted at himself and me all day for weeks until he learned to crawl. Now he’s happy enough entertaining himself and is mostly a joy (until he decides he wants to walk and we start all over again).

Google the four month fussies. It was a real thing for us. Once the first two teeth were in and crawling was under way he was a different baby.

But really I still wish he would go away sometimes so I could read a book or do something for myself. I’m only human and miss aspects of my pre baby life. It’s perfectly normal and fine to feel this way. As children get older and more independent you start to get a bit of you time back (I hope). Cut yourself some slack.

I have a 2 and 3 year old and often found myself dreaming of a life without children. Love them dearly but would not hesitate to put them into nursery Monday to Friday 7am to 6pm if I could afford it 😂

This should be a mandatory lesson in schools. Nobody understands what a grind it is having kids. Its relentless and you can't put them back.

This sounds silly but go on Pinterest and look up baby play ideas (eg sensory baskets) just using things you already have in the house. Something different for you both!