Baby feels like an effort

[Newmama93]

Hi mums,

I really am struggling with all my friends and family telling me this is ‘normal’ when deep down I know it isn’t. I have a 4.5 month old son, I’m in aus so lockdown for 9 weeks now, I’m a SAHM. My son is teething and is getting really bored of being in the house, he gets bored of his play mat, rocker and toys within a few minutes. I have to constantly play with him or hold him or he fusses and cries. He also isn’t sleeping longer than an hour stretch at nightmare. The issue I’m having is when my partner arranges to do something fun like a picnic outside or a swim in the spa My feeling is urghhh our baby is here, we can’t just relax in the spa the two of us and enjoy a wine I have to entertain him the whole time and I’m just in tears that I’m not enjoying him the way I really want to, I honestly don’t feel like I enjoy him, I think about it all day long, I want to just have a movie day or have a spa night without the constant stress of making sure my baby is happy. I also constantly wait for nap time and count down the minutes until he naps and is in bed, isn’t motherhood supposed to be adoring your baby and loving the time you spend with him? I want to love the time we spend together, it feels like a complete chore.

Mind you I am a very good mum to him, I do everything for him and his needs are completely met so please don’t tell me I’m not a good mum as I cannot take that right now I’m beating myself up all day every day as it is.

Oh and once I discovered the leisure centre crèche - the other mums were giving their location on the drop off form as 'LBT class' 'gym' etc. I'd write 'cafe' and spend two hours sat in leisure centre cafe with a book and cake!

Lockdown is rubbish for all of this. One of the things I found most helpful in surviving the baby year was going out to a toddler group (they all have baby areas) every weekday for 10am. It gave us a time to be out of the house, other people to hold the baby and bring me cups of tea. And also meant I could see it wasn't as relentless all the time, that they do play independently in the end etc.

I know this won't be an option ATM because of lockdown but look out for this kind of thing restarting. I learnt a huge amount from an experienced foster mum at a group with nos. 52 and 53(!) kids, one a baby. She was very hands off, the baby was in a safe spot on the floor and able to observe and reach safe things. Later on she crawled around and found things for herself. The foster mum let her get on with this and didn't try to entertain her.

I think a lot of us don’t get to spend time with young children and babies when we are growing up so get fed the idealistic side of parenting. The reality is a shock and the intensity of how attached they really are to you, especially those first couple years. I found my first baby a complete shock to the system.
Interestingly, my eldest two children don’t want their own children - they were old enough to see and remember my youngest two as babies and toddlers. My younger two do want children and they haven’t spent time around babies and toddlers.

It sounds like you have the baby blues!
Babies can be tough but your does sound completely normal
It's your MH that might be causing you to feel that way

They're boring at that age and need stimulation. The good times will come.

Kids are hard, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed at times, even wondering wtf you got pregnant but it will get better.

That is such a hard stage, especially if they're in the sleep regression. I found that not only does more sleep help you, but DD1 became a much happier easier baby once she was sleeping well. Also, at about six months something tends to develop in their sleep so they suddenly want naps in the dark and quiet with no rocking. So at that stage for me with both of mine they started napping in the cot and I got some proper downtime.

Also, going back to work made things much easier even though I was busier, I'm just not cut out for being at home with small children.

Sounds like your husband maybe needs to get on board a bit more? Spa days and the like just won't work unless he's minding the baby and you're heading off by yourself or with a friend. If you're going out as a family it needs to be something like a walk or a farm or something. We've always just liked bunging the kids in the buggy so we can chat and get a coffee and then swinging by a playground so they can run off some steam (a little down the road for you obviously!).

If you think your feelings are outside the norm then absolutely chat with your doctor, but if you're just not enjoying this phase that's absolutely fine, it's fucking hard.

I have a three year old and a one year old. Have gone out a couple of times with just the three year old lately and it's like a holiday - no nappies, no buggy, just someone who will walk or sit beside me and have a conversation and behave much better than when we're home.

Personally I love from 18 months on, the adventures and cuteness is hard to handle.
I loved morning walks with DD in the forest every leaf and stick was amazing to her.

You are totally right - babies are a massive effort! Going for being able to put yourself or couple time first to having zero time to yourself (and if you do you either feel guilty for it or spend it obsessing over how much your life has changed) is really, really hard.

I felt exactly the same as you at 4.5 months but it does get better. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still rather be at the spa than playing peekaboo, but things are much easier now DD is ten months than they were at 4.5 months. A few things made a big difference for me -

1. Getting DD on a proper napping schedule. We started this at about 4 months, I wasn’t rigid about timings but tried to keep the awake time between naps fairly consistent, at four months I think that awake time was only a couple of hours - knowing I would get a break (even if it was short) after a couple of hours helped.

1. Weaning. Weaning gives you something to do that is valuable for the baby but isn’t just staring at them trying to entertain them. It gives your day structure and makes the time pass faster. I’d recommend baby led weaning as I’ve found it really easy and it can take DD 40 minutes eating and playing with the food - with three meals a day that’s a lot of time where she’s happy and I don’t feel guilty as she’s doing something good.

1. DD got more interesting. There’s a lot more you can do to entertain a ten month old than a four month old and they are more rewarding as they start playing with you rather than needing you to do everything. She also shows affection more so I can see that she appreciates that I’m good to her - she comes and gives me cuddles and kisses which is lovely.

1. DD got a longer attention span. Now, DD can potter around the sitting room playing with her toys without me interacting with her. Obviously she’s happier if I play and she comes over to me to check in regularly but if I’m having an off day or need to get something done she can entertain herself for a while.

Things are still not as fun for me as they were before baby (how could they be when I’m putting her first all the time?) but they are immeasurably better than they were six months ago. It’s still hard work and I miss my old life but I can now say I enjoy my baby which I never would have said back then.

I’m also sure things will carry on getting better - when she’s able to talk to me, when she starts sleeping through so I’m not exhausted, when I got back to work and get some adult company etc. I’m sure things will be easier.

I remember this well OP - it’s a massive shock. You go from doing what you want when you want to not being able to do anything or even leave them if you’re breastfeeding and you can’t sleep either!

It’s a massive adjustment and takes time to get used to, but also to gradually get some of yourself back. It will happen. This is definitely the side of motherhood that you don’t get prepared for - people just talk about the cuddles and smiles and cute baby clothes.

I’ve got three.
Turning points for me were:
10 months. They can sit up and can feed themselves bits and pieces.
3.5. They understand things and stop some of the dangerous and stupid things

1. They become teenagers

Sorry you’re in lockdown. Must be hard.

I think it's really important to know (in a way new mums can't, really) how different different babies are. Your baby sounds like my first - extremely high needs. She wanted constant contact and constant input, hardly slept (most people when you say he wakes every hour will think you're exaggerating, even other mums; I know you're not! And it's TORTURE). The flip side was she advanced really quickly, crawling at 6 months, walking at 10 months, talking in 3-5 word sentences at 18 months. All that input she constantly demanded was to a purpose; I just didn't know that on my literal and figurative knees all day every day for a year!

I now have DD2. She's bright and cheery, sleeps, in her crib!!!, for hours at a time, is alarmingly (to me with my previous experience) self-sufficient. When she has a cranky day I'm always shocked, then remember that her worst cranky day was my DD1's normal for months.

Your mum friends may have more "normal" or "easy" babies and not understand what you're talking about. I remember one of my NCT friends giving me her baby to hold while she nipped to the loo once - it was bizarre, this floppy, squishy creature that just relaxed into my body and sat there. My baby was always rigid, straining, looking around, ready for the next thing - and if I'd handed her to a stranger (hell even her own dad) there'd be absolute HELL to pay. That's when I realised "no, I'm not pathetic or failing for finding this hard - she is different. It IS hard."

I had to practice serious empathy every day, for her and for myself. Whenever you feel the resentment and overwhelm rising, try and remind yourself that's how he feels as well - confused, frustrated, overwhelmed - and that's why he's giving you such a hard time. It helped me to think of us as being a team, against the weird world, rather than her as some perennially dissatisfied master I was always having to cater to. We were getting through it together and both doing what we could. Other times that didn't help and I had to put her down and go and have a cry while she howled for a few minutes. Forgive yourself for this. You love your son. You are human. Love doesn't solve everything or make you a saint (for proof of this see all adult relationships!).

You'll be ok. It passes and there are such rewards. This is the trenches right now OP, and your war is not the same as your other friends'. Just remember to be sympathetic when your kid is an adorable, precocious, well behaved toddler and theirs are biting/tantrumming/playing silly buggers at bedtime for the first time ever. They all have their stages. My kid was amazing when everyone else was going through terrible twos. Now she's four and very challenging again. I can't wait to see what she'll become next.

Don't beat yourself up. Take all the shortcuts and easy outs you can. Never worry about "bad habits" - bedsharing, baby wearing, co-napping, none of it lasts forever. It's all just survival techniques that will serve their purpose and fall away with the next developmental stage. You grew and birthed a child; you're strong as fuck; you can do this!!!

The way you feel & your situation is normal. Parenting is not the fairytale you're sold. Stop being so hard on yourself, there's nothing wrong with you.

Covid has also taken away your opportunity to have a break or make the day go quicker with activities.

Life is hard with small kids & covid. Please be kind to yourself

I hated the first couple years when I had my daughter, absolutely hated it but put on a happy smiley face and did everything I was meant to do but I hated it. I lived for the days she was at her grandparents.

She is 8 now and absolutely awesome and genuinely enjoy every moment of her now, she is a joy and an absolute pleasure. The first two years were just shit but they passed as will this phase that you are going through and you will eventually enjoy your son.

@CabbagesGreen

I’ve come to the conclusion that’s it’s all a big conspiracy- people don’t tell you how hard this is and once you realise, it’s too late Same!

I promise it will get easier OP. In the meantime it sounds like you need to spend time with your partner without baby? Like a meal out or something? Sounds like that's tricky right now where you are with lockdowns etc but as soon as you're able to do you think that might help?

Totally this. No one tells you. They all smile and say congratulations when you're pregnant, knowing deep down how hard it is. Why do we all pretend motherhood is amazing?

In the UK so different lockdowns etc but I could have wrote your post this time last year. It was a drain to be honest, stuck at home as a first time mum, finding ways to entertain your baby and not being able to see any family or take your baby anyway. Its OK to not be happy all day every day, motherhood is bloody hard, and during lockdowns it's even harder. Don't beat yourself up about it. It will get better when you can get out and about again

@Greenrubber

It sounds like you have the baby blues! Babies can be tough but your does sound completely normal It's your MH that might be causing you to feel that way

I was labelled with PND but really I was in denial and shock as to how my life had changed. I wanted my old life back. I wonder how many of us are told we are 'depressed' when actually we werent truly told about the horrors of motherhood, we went in expecting all sunshine and roses. It is not what is portrayed on the TV, Instagram etc.

It really is graft. I think you have to work on your relationship with kids just like any other, but with Lockdown that must make it tough. Breaking up the day with play groups and activities got me through it. Although they are painfully tedious. Mines 4 now and can play independently at parks ext so it does get easier

OP I was forced to have a baby I didn’t want and couldn’t afford. When I say I didn’t want, I don’t mean I didn’t want her when she was here or didn’t love her, but that I had no idea I was pregnant and no reason to believe I could possibly be pregnant. I found out too late to do anything.

The first two years were the worst of my entire life. I absolutely hated every single minute. I had a breakdown. I drove to beachy head to consider throwing myself off the edge. I cried every day. I lost my career. All I could see was years and years of struggle ahead. It was absolute torture.

But I loved her. That single fact kept me caring for her and putting her needs first. It got me through each day no matter the grind. And that feeling will get you through too. You don’t have to enjoy early motherhood to get through it. Or even to be good at it. It took me over 3 years to come out the other side before I began to enjoy life again. And guess what? My little girl and me are super close, just as close as I am with her older, planned siblings. Those early days made no difference to the outcome. It WILL get better. It might not be for a fairly long time but it WILL. All you need is love. You will get there. Hang on and just get through each day for now.

@OlympicProcrastinator

OP I was forced to have a baby I didn’t want and couldn’t afford. When I say I didn’t want, I don’t mean I didn’t want her when she was here or didn’t love her, but that I had no idea I was pregnant and no reason to believe I could possibly be pregnant. I found out too late to do anything.

The first two years were the worst of my entire life. I absolutely hated every single minute. I had a breakdown. I drove to beachy head to consider throwing myself off the edge. I cried every day. I lost my career. All I could see was years and years of struggle ahead. It was absolute torture.

But I loved her. That single fact kept me caring for her and putting her needs first. It got me through each day no matter the grind. And that feeling will get you through too. You don’t have to enjoy early motherhood to get through it. Or even to be good at it. It took me over 3 years to come out the other side before I began to enjoy life again. And guess what? My little girl and me are super close, just as close as I am with her older, planned siblings. Those early days made no difference to the outcome. It WILL get better. It might not be for a fairly long time but it WILL. All you need is love. You will get there. Hang on and just get through each day for now.

I felt how you described in the second paragraph. Like life was suffocating, I was trapped, I hated every minute of my 'new' life. And when everyone tells you how happy you must be etc, you only feel more of an alien. My son is nearly two and sometimes those moments are there again, but it has got easier...the early days are so so so hard.

Oh OP, I felt exactly the same. My life changed beyond recognition and I wasn't prepared for it. Like a pp said it felt like a conspiracy. I promise it does get better as you get used to it. You are doing a great job in really difficult circumstances and this too shall pass. Babies are an endless slog but you will absolutely see sunlight soon, you will.

@Imnewhere1991 I think there is an element of shame we feel when admitting that we are not enjoying the ‘work’ of being a mum isn’t there? It’s not the same as not loving our children. But some people equate the two. I tried to explain to my doctor how I was feeling and she said, “so you feel resentful of your baby” and I hadn’t said anything of the sort. I became very defensive and afraid that she thought my despair was directed at my baby rather than the situation and was too afraid to seek help after that. I think sharing the reality of our feelings when we don’t automatically love motherhood can help other mums because you can love and adore your baby but utterly hate the relentless, thankless and exhausting early days / months / years.

Sounds perfectly normal. It’s a shock to the system. It does get easier, you just have to be fair to one and other. Mine got easier once they were mobile - crawling was a game changer plus they start to play independently a little (a few minutes at a time) from 8 months. You’ll get there, it’s crazy hard, but you’ll get there. X

Honestly it is normal.
With each of my four I went through a grieving period for the life I was leaving behind and it is especially normal with a first baby and all that entails.
Give it time and I’m sure you will be fine. Xx

It’s so hard OP. My first baby was a humongous shock to the system and I was horribly naive during a very easy pregnancy about what was in store. DS is amazing but the loss of my autonomy and independence was the thing I found hardest by a long stretch.

The 4 month mark is really tricky. Some super content babies are still effectively like newborns, where as some babies really wake up to the world and want lots of stimulation and with it, reassurance. My DS was like yours at that age. Permanently fussing for stimulation but woe betide me if I put him down! When lockdown ends for you, I really recommend just walking round outside with him forward facing in a sling. That kept DS entertained for hours.

Rest assured that all babies go through phases of fussing. At 4 months my DS was notably more intense and high needs than my antenatal group. At ~15 months you couldn’t really pick him out of a line up now as ‘the fussy one’. It’s just super hard when they are tiny. You expect a cuddly, sleepy ball of contentment - when the baby has other ideas it’s a massive shock!!

DD1 was challenging and wouldn't be put down the first few months.... you just have to go with it. It's most likely just a phase

Also teething can be horrible and painful for them. Some people don't like this but you can buy from the pharmacy teething gel with Lidocaine. You put a tiny bit in your finger and rub it in.

Also you have to CHILL! Of course you can enjoy going for a picnic or a walk. You need to find tricks I hang toys from the pushchair with a pacifier string do you have a baby carrier? Those are great! We have the iAngel. the kids got upset in the pushchair so we put it low and when they complained we would put it more upright and then more upright