Baby feels like an effort

[Newmama93]

Hi mums,

I really am struggling with all my friends and family telling me this is ‘normal’ when deep down I know it isn’t. I have a 4.5 month old son, I’m in aus so lockdown for 9 weeks now, I’m a SAHM. My son is teething and is getting really bored of being in the house, he gets bored of his play mat, rocker and toys within a few minutes. I have to constantly play with him or hold him or he fusses and cries. He also isn’t sleeping longer than an hour stretch at nightmare. The issue I’m having is when my partner arranges to do something fun like a picnic outside or a swim in the spa My feeling is urghhh our baby is here, we can’t just relax in the spa the two of us and enjoy a wine I have to entertain him the whole time and I’m just in tears that I’m not enjoying him the way I really want to, I honestly don’t feel like I enjoy him, I think about it all day long, I want to just have a movie day or have a spa night without the constant stress of making sure my baby is happy. I also constantly wait for nap time and count down the minutes until he naps and is in bed, isn’t motherhood supposed to be adoring your baby and loving the time you spend with him? I want to love the time we spend together, it feels like a complete chore.

Mind you I am a very good mum to him, I do everything for him and his needs are completely met so please don’t tell me I’m not a good mum as I cannot take that right now I’m beating myself up all day every day as it is.

I think this is sadly completed normal. They need constant attention but are too young to really want to “do” anything.. I found mine happiest in the sling on a walk or just doing odd jobs. Obviously hard in strict lockdown.

I found the second child a doddle at this age because of this - lived in the sling and I was busy doing stuff with older child (also no lockdown so that’s different) and when not I had plenty of washing to do and vacuuming to do and the baby enjoyed coming along for the ride with that.

With the first I felt it just impossible - I didn’t have much to do but all the things I wanted to do for me, the baby would hate, so it was just walking around constantly with the baby in my arms or sling trying to keep them happy. In retrospect I should have made longer trips out to museums and art galleries and things for me because the baby would have just been in the sling where they were happy. Also not helpful in lockdown though because it makes everything 10000x worse…

The thing I found hard to adjust to when I had my first baby was the feeling of being "tied" to him. I was used to making my own choices and doing what I liked, suddenly I had to consider him before doing anything!

I think this is what you are describing. It's normal, you will get used to it, and it does get easier

It is a daily grind and that is the hard thing, I wasn't prepared for this. It took years for me to get to the point of not having to purposely think ,' oh the children what to do with them?' when making plans , we d had our third before it all felt a bit more natural, so 5 years plus. You will get there, enjoy the bits you can .

The thing that got me through the first year or so was telling myself “this is just a season of life - it will pass. It’s hard right now but it will pass”. This will not be your life forever, but it is your job for now. And a very important one. It’s a largely thankless task at the age you’re at. It will get easier, once they can talk and be slightly more independent of you when they start to eat solids, potty train etc. For now, your job is to meet the needs of your baby whilst also doing what you can to look after your own mental health. I used to take my baby in a sling into the city or somewhere I wanted to go - they came along for the ride, and I felt like I was getting some enjoyment. If ever I felt overwhelmed, I walked - often with podcasts or music on. Or id have a bath and put baby in the bouncer in the bathroom. Small things in your day to claw back some “you” time.

I’ve got a nearly three year old now and feel like I’m getting life back in some ways. I can reliably get her to bed for 6.30pm, have a babysitter in the house while she sleeps through and can go out for an evening with partner / friends etc. I can go out and do my hobby one evening a week. I can have nice conversations with my daughter and I am enjoying the little days out we have now. She can help me with baking and cooking. She can walk a decent way by herself so days out are more fun. The early days were so intense, but it was only really a short phase of life, looking back, and I’m so proud of myself for getting through them. You will be too.

Wow!!! Thank you all so much. Such supportive, realistic women on here. I can’t explain how grateful I am I feel like crying! I think that’s it - my friends seem to say they love every second and that’s what’s causing me to feel so down as I feel abnormal. I’m glad to know it’s not just me that think they ruin events because it’s true, i always just say to myself you should want to bring them along to everyone he’s your child etc I think I need to reset my expectations. Thanks again xx

This was exactly me and my DS. He would cry and fuss constantly and I pretty much felt like he was never happy when he was with me and life was a big chore. I didn’t want to do anything because the baby would end up needing more attention so I couldn’t enjoy myself. Things got much better when he started crawling. I realised he just hated being a baby and hated being immobile. Don’t get me wrong, he’s 2.5 now and I have a newborn so life is still hard but there are good times and I’m way more relaxed with the newborn than I was with my son when he was that age.

Your feelings are entirely valid. You are not a bad mum and you are not alone!

Crikey, you’re not a bad mum! Please don’t think that! Could you possibly have pnd? Only reason I ask is I felt the same way. I used to dread the start of the next day as it was back to the grindstone of babies, feeding, coming up with ways to entertain them etc. I finally sought help when they were 8 months and started on ads.

The world became colour, and within a few weeks I actively looked forward to them waking from naps, the start of the next day as we’d be together, that sort of thing.

It may well not be pnd, and this phase will pass. It’s perfectly ok and normal not to adore every single phase of parenthood.

PS whenever my friends with kids want to go out with the kids, i point blank refused unless it was really close to home because I knew I wouldn’t enjoy myself. I only went out close to home so I could make a quick getaway!

Pps it’s ok for babies/kids to get bored! It’s a good life lesson

I think that's completely normal OP - sorry. Babies are hard work, they are only cutesy and fun on instagram of when they are not yours and you can give them back. It it's a daily grind that doesn't end for a long time. Sorry I can't be more helpful, you will overcome your feelings and just get on with it in the end, just try not to be wistful about the life you had too much.

Sounds like you need a break OP. Can you leave them with your partner or family member whilst you take some time for yourself or some time just with your partner? Being a parent is relentless and hard work but you also need to recognise when you need some time to fill up your own cup to be able to be there for your baby in the best way. Can you go to the spa with a friend or just on your own for a few hours and drink that wine in peace?

Honestly of the people I know with very small children everyone find it a grind, it’s not you. The reality is you go from being free to walk out the door easily to being tied to this little person who is completely dependent on you. Lockdowns have been especially hard for new mums. We have no family near and it’s been a grind for us too. You aren’t alone but I hear it does get better, hang in there x unmumsnetty hug x

I was like this til ds was 2 and only really started enjoying motherhood when he was 4 ! He's 7 now and we are best pals
I don't know what I would have done if we had been in lockdown too , it must be very hard .
The baby stage put me off having any more kids to be honest!
It does get better I promise

Absolutely normal OP! The part of your post that jumps out at me is the part where you talk about entertaining your baby. With my first I put myself under a horrendous amount of pressure to entertain her and fill the day. The days were LONG and I thought to be a good mum I needed to fill every moment for her, it used to end in tears about 4pm when I was super stressed and exhausted. I couldn't do this with my second because we were in lockdown and I was on my own looking after two kids so he was left to his own devices. He's quite a wee contented soul and happy playing by himself, in a way my first wasnt until about the age of 4.

On the other thing you say, absolutely agree. We are going to a party later, no other kids going and my son has just started walking and is in to everything! I wish we could leave them with someone so I could drink and enjoy it instead of running about like a blue arsed fly for the entire thing.

my friends seem to say they love every second and that’s what’s causing me to feel so down as I feel abnormal.

Are their children the same age? If not they have probably forgotten how hard it is, or they may be exaggerating because it's such a taboo thing to admit it's not all Pampers adverts, keep off social if you can.

I think most people just present the ‘I’m fine/isn’t it wonderful’ narrative rather than the reality, which is that it can be bloody hard work.
I wish people would be more honest about it, then parents would go in with more realistic expectations. Your life is going to be unrecognisable from what it was, the lack of freedom and independence can be difficult to adjust to.
You will get used to it though, and with my second it’s much easier as I’m already used to everything revolving around a child.
Maybe try to remember it won’t be like this forever, the first year especially seems to whizz by and you’ll be looking back at photos of your tiny baby wondering what happened!

you might have postnatal depression. crying everyday is not normal.
please talk to your Health Visitor or GP

Motherhood is amazing and lovely and all about adoring your baby - when you look back on it. When you are in the middle of it it's hard work.

With teething I found think back to when my wisdom teeth came through, they were up and down for years before finally coming through, they hurt, they stopped me sleeping, the pain made me irritable and I knew and understood what was happening. oor babies have all of their teeth coming through around the same time with no understanding of what is going on no wonder they are so miserable and just want to be with you.

I have been a single parent since Dd was born, dealing with sleepless nights was awful I deakt with it by sleeping when DD did, I sacrificed any me time in favour of sleep, I was frustrated and resentful at the time as I wanted to do things for myself but sleeping was so much more important. You get your own time back as they get older it just takes time or calling on other people to help out whether a partner of grandparents if you have them. When your partner plans these fun days who deals with the baby, not just physically but all of the mental work too - preparing the changing bag etc. If it's all on you your partner needs to step up.

I can only echo what others have posted and reassure you what you’re feeling is perfectly normal.

What I will add though, particularly with your first, it’s hard to imagine that things will ever change and that this is it till they’re 18. It gets better, really it does, and you will look back with perspective and see that it was such a short period of time even though it felt like forever. Dc getting older brings new problems but I promise you movies and wine in the spa will creep back into your normality.

It’s such a grind isn’t it. That first baby too, you don’t know what to expect and some just won’t be put down, you’re tired and it’s so overwhelming.

Sorry OP I missed the bit about your night time sleep. You might be hitting the four month sleep regression too. There’s various sleep training methods you can try but again I found DS just grew out of it….We got through that period by co sleeping when he wouldn’t settle then back in his cot when he would. Do whatever gets you the most sleep would my advice and try not to worry about ‘enjoying it’. No one enjoys sleep deprivation. That’s why it’s a form of torture. If you can’t ride it out then time to look at sleep training maybe.

There’s lots of useful forums on mumsnet but I couldn’t recommend any as I have zero willpower and so will put up with a wriggly baby snoring in my bed for a quiet life

I often felt like you, and there was no lockdown! When I did get a break I just wanted more breaks.

I particularly disliked doing things I’d previously enjoyed before DC with a DC in tow to parent. That’s still the case, actually, with much older DC! Eg anything involving alcohol. I did / do new things with the family or got childcare.

Is your DP doing a fair share of the parenting?

You say you’re a SAHM but do you mean you’re on maternity leave? SAH isn’t for everyone and is a massive personal risk.

Things that helped me: sleep, eating better, avoiding alcohol and exercise at a place with a creche. And spending time with friends who were open and with whom I could be honest.

Having a needy little baby can feel bloody horrible when you just need some time to yourself. Is the baby's dad pulling his weight?

I remember how much I hated this stage. It was so relentless and boring - I was desperate to go back to work. Lockdown really isn't helping you either. I went back to work at a year but regret not going back at six months and things improved immensely once I wasn't with our baby all the time. DH did loads but be worked long hours and commuted so just wasn't there for a lot of it. I also had one night a week in the spare room whilst DH slept next to our baby (combi fed baby) which helped a lot and some time off being 'on call' each evening when he'd hold her.

I also discovered that other mums started using the new leisure centre crèche which would take the baby from six months old for up to two hours. I wish now I'd booked her in for nursery from six weeks old for a half day or two a week. Other mums had family help around to hold the baby so they could have a break whereas we didn't.
Whilst it still wasn't easy (I'm just not a baby/small child person) the second year was a huge improvement. Partly once DD went down to one nap it was 2-3 hours in her cot so I didn't have to be around her then. Partly I was back at work 3 days a week so our time together had more of a 'quality time' feel to it than a everyday feel.
I'm just reading Eliane Glaser's book about Motherhood: a manifesto which expresses all this very eloquently! I wish it had been around when I was on maternity leave as I thought I was the only person having a miserable time and felt guilty I wasn't enjoying my baby.

My baby was premature so we were lucky in some ways whilst she was in SCBU because we got sleep! Then she came home and it was so bloody hard I had to ask for help from my health visitor. Friends would take her for a couple of hours do I could nap. My husband and I took turns to nap during the day.

Generally, the first year was shit. I didn't really have a strong bond (a side effect of bubba being in SCBU) and we had a really tough time. It made me decide not to have any further children because I just did not cope.

Now, we are about to celebrate DD's 15th birthday and things are so much better. I love her with all my heart. We have a good relationship.

It's hard, hard, hard. That constant feeling of having to put someone else's needs first all the time. I vaguely remember it being more fun around 7 months, when they start sitting up(and sliding over) and having more personality.

And then they get older and start their 'can we have a hamster?' Campaign. Relentless.