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Original poster

To ask how you cope with an alcoholic in the family

65 replies

BlueRocky · 21/08/2021 00:51

My brother is an alcoholic, has been for several years and has got worse over the lockdowns. The drink makes him nasty and short tempered, anything can set him off so all the family walk on eggshells around him.

Recently I've got to the point where I just don't want to be around him anymore. He frequently says horrible things to me and is so negative and self obsessed, I feel completely drained in his company. On a few occasions he's lost his patience with my dd, that was a real turning point for me. I don't want him around me or my child anymore and I told him this. I stand by my decision, it's my job to protect my child right? But my mum's reaction to this has really shocked me.

She says my db needs all our love and support right now. That he's trying to get better and I'm making things worse. She doesn't want to hear how upsetting this is for me, because that's "making things all about you". Is this really the right way to deal with an alcoholic? Should we continue to support them to the detriment of ourselves? I really didn't expect my dm to react in this way and it's made me question my whole judgement on the situation.

OP posts:
22Giraffes · 21/08/2021 00:59

I really, really sympathise. My dad was an alcoholic and it eventually killed him a few years ago. It ruined my childhood and as an adult I saw how much it affected my mum.

My sibling was very sympathetic towards him, saying it wasn't his fault and was an illness but I just became very angry towards him and distanced myself. I hardly saw him before he died and I'm still angry that he chose alcohol over me and my sibling as children, and then in turn his grandchildren. I clearly wasn't worth getting sober for.

You cannot force your brother to change and if you need to walk away to protect yourself then that's ok. It is so difficult for relatives of addicts, I truly feel your pain Flowers

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/08/2021 01:07

Your job to protect your child, your Mum feels the same about her child. it's something he'll be capitalising on to get what he wants from her

However, you're right, she's wrong. Keep well away from him.

TeaAndBrie · 21/08/2021 01:12

Is he actually getting help and trying to overcome his issues?
Your job is definitely to protect you and your child.
Sounds like your mum is in denial currently

bottleofbeer · 21/08/2021 01:14

I dunno, my dad is. I'm just preparing myself for when it kills him tbh.

BettyAndFrank · 21/08/2021 01:18

Addictions are an illness…sadly there’s not much you can do…my friends brother had a liver transplant, due to him fucking up his own, and promptly went back to drinking again…so sad 😢

bluejelly · 21/08/2021 01:20

@BlueRocky I think you have the right approach. Children need protecting from alcoholics/addicts. I would stay distant until you see that he has genuinely recovered.
Thanks to you though, these things are not easy

M0rT · 21/08/2021 01:29

I've two alcoholics that are close enough for me to care and worry about in my family but not a parent or sibling so I don't have that mixed in sense of obligation and guilt.
One of them is a funny drunk and functioning binge drinker for 30 years and while can get mean only ever to men (I'm a woman) so I don't have to remove myself for fear of them damaging the relationship and not even remembering.
I do avoid if possible when I know they will be very drunk though as it just makes me so sad to see someone I love do that to themselves.
It is hard and I've spoken to them while sober about it, gently and questioningly rather than angry or hectoring but while there are dry spells the drinking always returns. Family will barely acknowledge there is a problem while acting to mitigate the impact.
The other can be a mean drunk and has damaged relationships with it, not yet with me but people closer than me have moved from understanding to hard boundaries the last few years.
They do acknowledge their drinking is a problem and mostly maintain sobriety though.
If they want back on the drink fulltime I think their spiral would be a lot quicker and rock bottom hit much sooner as boats have been set alight at this point so wouldn't take much for them to burn completely.
I care about them, have spoken directly with them about the need to stay off the drink and will always be there if they are sober and want to talk.

I know I wouldn't be putting myself out too much if they are drinking though.
I really think you are right to keep your child away from this, it's such a damaging situation especially if their grandmother is trying to act as if it's all ok when it's clearly not.
The scariest thing for children is picking up on problems and being gaslit about it.
It's why all the guidance around bad health diagnosis in parents is age appropriate truth rather than the old tell them nothing and pretend everything is fine approach.
I am so sorry though, it's a horrible disease and it wrecks far more lives than the alcoholics.

480Widdio · 21/08/2021 01:50

I am an Alcoholic in recovery,sober over 18 years.

There is Al-anon for families of Alcoholics,they advise to step back from the Alcoholic and not enable them in any way.

Your brother has to help himself,it sounds as if he has no intention of stopping drinking.

Keep away from him and protect your daughter..

BrozTito · 21/08/2021 02:07

As a former alchy, they arnt ' trying to get better' until they stop being a selfish arse prioritising their enjoyment over everybody and everything and actually start leaving it alone

Herja · 21/08/2021 02:20

My dad died trying to sober up and my late boyfriend's death was related to his alcoholism. I think you are doing the right thing OP. It pulls everyone in and destroys everything in contact. It's no thing for a child to see - I should know, I saw it.

You are right to protect your child and you should feel no guilt at looking after yourself rather than your brother. Don't blame your mum though, she's just doing the same as you: trying to protect her child.

romdowa · 21/08/2021 02:24

My sibling is an alcoholic and I cut him out years ago and never felt a ounce of guilt. They ruined everyone's lives while the rest of us were expected to fix their messes. I had all the emotional blackmail from my mother as well , that I was being too hard and that they couldn't help it 😔 as far as I could see that wasn't my problem. They did eventually get sober but they are now just bitter and nasty with a constant chip on their shoulder. My advice is to walk away, protect your self and your child from the chaos and toxic bs that an addict will bring to your life.

Porcupineintherough · 21/08/2021 03:44

In our case its drugs not drink but I keep myself and my kids well away. As with you though, the realisation that that is what I had to do took a few years and was opposed by my parents.

ClaryFairchild · 21/08/2021 03:55

He is her child, she loves him so much and wants best for him. He is your brother and while you love him, it's not the same.

But, you love YOUR children the way she loves hers and will do everything to protect them.

Keep doing that. And quote the three C s to your mother.
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it.

He's the only one that can change the situation.

clarkkentsglasses · 21/08/2021 04:26

@480Widdio

I am an Alcoholic in recovery,sober over 18 years.

There is Al-anon for families of Alcoholics,they advise to step back from the Alcoholic and not enable them in any way.

Your brother has to help himself,it sounds as if he has no intention of stopping drinking.

Keep away from him and protect your daughter..

Well done. ODAAT here too. 🙏🏼

Myshitisreal · 21/08/2021 04:36

How do i cope? Complex ptsd from alcoholic father (amongst other stuff).

If you want to support your brother do it by phone or letter.. Please keep your child away from it. ♥ You're doing the right thing.

Galaxyinmypocket · 21/08/2021 04:39

Well done to those of you who have stopped! I have experience of both alcoholism and drug addiction within the family. I have seen and heard things I never should have as a child, it is so damaging. You are right to keep your child away from it all. There are support services available to help, you and your mum will not be able to fix him with love and kindness, it doesnt work like that.

Nat6999 · 21/08/2021 04:40

My late dp was an alcoholic & much as I loved him so much I wish I had thrown him out much earlier, his drinking affected ds a lot, I have only found out since he passed away & ds has got older. I think there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough & either he gets helpb& gets sober or you cut him out of your life, as hard as that will be.

Kanaloa · 21/08/2021 05:12

It’s very hard. Your mum is right that he needs help to get better, but that doesn’t involve you tolerating his nasty behaviour.

I would step away from him, but make him aware that when he’s willing to stop his abusive behaviour and start to look for professional help you are there to support him.

HuntingoftheSnark · 21/08/2021 05:56

Another alcoholic in recovery here, almost 14 years down the line. It's not referred to as a family illness for nothing - you have every right to put whatever boundaries in place that you want to. As a PP said, Al Anon gives support for those with an alcoholic in their lives.

A member of my family had nothing to do with me for years while I was drinking, and continued their avoidance for several years into my recovery. I completely respect that decision.

PopcornMuncher · 21/08/2021 06:14

To those in recovery well done BrewFlowers

Agree that the only thing to do with an alcoholic is step away and let their rock bottom happen. I also know it's not that easy to do in practice. Definitely protect your DC and ignore your mum

LimeRedBanana · 21/08/2021 06:23

Your priority is the only one who doesn’t have a say in this - your child. Not your brother and not your Mum.

Original poster
BlueRocky · 21/08/2021 08:50

Thank you for everyone's posts. I'm sorry to those of you who are in similar situations, or have lost someone to alcoholism. It's encouraging to hear from people in recovery as well, I hope that will be my db one day. I don't see any signs of him trying to deal with it, last time we were together he was drinking heavily. Hopefully I'm wrong though.

I hadn't heard alcoholism being described as a family disease before but it's so true. Part of my frustration is my dm's refusal to acknowledge the impact my brother's drinking is having on all of us. She is so protective of my brother and makes excuses for his behaviour. All her anger is directed at me at the moment. She is following al-anon, but selectively from what I can tell.

OP posts:
Bryonyshcmyony · 21/08/2021 08:56

It's most definitely a family disease. I have two alcoholic siblings and one ex addict now sober. Al Anon really helped me and part of it was completely stepping back from them. My dsis is now trying to get sober and it's bloody hard doing it with only NHS help (pretty shit tbh) and I respect her so much. We are talking daily having not spoken for years after one too many mad arguments when she was drunk. I'm preparing myself for it not to work, but she's quite far gone with some liver damage so I'm dreading it.

Bryonyshcmyony · 21/08/2021 08:57

Oh sorry OP I regularly get asked for money and refuse and my parents think I'm awful because of it, I just pull up my mental drawbridge and concentrate on my own lovely family.

Wheretoeattweenandteen · 21/08/2021 09:01

Ops mum wants to protect her child?

Isn't op her child also?

Unfortunately op you see where your mum's priorities lie and if she's a gaga over your dB as my mum was about my alcoholic, violent, selfish nasal gazing unpleasant dB...

Drop the rope now and give up.

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