To ask how you cope with an alcoholic in the family

[BlueRocky]

My brother is an alcoholic, has been for several years and has got worse over the lockdowns. The drink makes him nasty and short tempered, anything can set him off so all the family walk on eggshells around him.

Recently I've got to the point where I just don't want to be around him anymore. He frequently says horrible things to me and is so negative and self obsessed, I feel completely drained in his company. On a few occasions he's lost his patience with my dd, that was a real turning point for me. I don't want him around me or my child anymore and I told him this. I stand by my decision, it's my job to protect my child right? But my mum's reaction to this has really shocked me.

She says my db needs all our love and support right now. That he's trying to get better and I'm making things worse. She doesn't want to hear how upsetting this is for me, because that's "making things all about you". Is this really the right way to deal with an alcoholic? Should we continue to support them to the detriment of ourselves? I really didn't expect my dm to react in this way and it's made me question my whole judgement on the situation.

You are right to detach. Your mother isn't fully engaging with Al-Anon - she is still choosing to be the enabler.

Please get some support for yourself so that you can cope with the guilt that is piled on you for having boundaries. Protect yourself and your DD from your brother.

I lost my husband to alcohol and I stayed with him for far too long. It damaged my DDs.

I worked with a woman married to an alcoholic.
He used to pick up the kids from school, nursing a can a beer while driving.
She tried to make it work for years.
Many Friday or Saturday nights she had to take him to emergency because he was constantly falling and getting injured.
Once it was in the middle of a busy road.
She moved their family to a large house so he could have his own living area and bedroom away from her and the two teenage kids.
Of course he constantly came into their part of the house, drunk and abusive, stinking.
After 15 years she saw the light, sold the house. He moved to a one bedroom flat and she had a decent life with her children.
Cut him off op, don't waste years like she did.

My BIL (DH's brother) is an alcoholic. Their mother was his enabler when she was alive although she did admit that she often just did it because she was actually frightened of him. He used to bully her too. Is your mother perhaps also in a similar position?

All you can do really is back off and cut contact, much as you have been doing. You need to protect your child and your own sanity. We have had virtually no contact with my BIL since MIL died over seven years ago now.

It's hard, and it feels brutal, but the other way lies madness.

My dm doesn't see what she's doing as enabling him, but I would disagree. To me excusing his behaviour and shielding him from any consequences for his actions isn't helping. It's always been the way though, even before my db's problems with alcohol. It's incredibly frustrating for me and my other siblings.

I don't know if he's bullying my dm, but he's definitely being very emotionally manipulative, I worry for her a lot.

Could I ask a question of those who are now sober. Does AA/rehab/detox etc address any of the reasons a person drinks and try to get them to deal with them and also to make amends to those they have hurt whilst drunk, or is it just based on the physical act of getting someone sober?
Asking as the parent of DC with an estranged alcoholic father who has been through treatment many times but has not once tried to apologise to his DC for the awful things he put them through.

Apologies for hijacking the post OP.

Enablers tend not to see they're enabling. It took a lot for me to shake off the role of enabler, even more to cut loose from the codependency.

Addicts are inherently manipulative and are very good at it. Often no bullying is required because they are so skilled at emotional manipulation. You have a clear insight into the dynamic between your DM and your DB - sadly, there is nothing you can do to change it.

@MulberrySquash yes, very much so. AA is based on a 12 step programme of recovery which you work through with a sponsor over a period of time. There is no set time - it takes as long as it does for each step. You also have daily calls with your sponsor and are recommended to go to as many meetings as possible. To summarise, you acknowledge that you have zero control once you consume a drop of alcohol, you list all your resentments and all kinds of other issues you might have, you make a list of all you have harmed and step 9 is making amends to those people, except where to do so might injure them or others.

Obviously the amends are "living amends" and are ongoing, as are the steps - you don't get to do them and it's finished, like a project. I was a horrible alcoholic, the worst, and I absolutely understood that just because I thought "this time will be different", others around me had every right to be wary as they'd heard it all before. Even nearly 14 years down the line, I'm a day at a time - I have no desire to drink but I do think occasionally "I wonder if I could be a normal drinker now?" but my past experiences tell me otherwise and frankly, it's not worth it.

V sorry about your brother, and your mum.

Think you’re doing the right thing, setting boundaries for yourself and your DC.

Your job is to protect yourself and the DC.

Damage limitation is the first role of anyone with the bad luck of an alcoholic relative.

The alcoholic and their enablers will swear blind their needs are the most important ones in the family. The alcoholic’s need is to drink and behave very badly, but they call this need ‘your love and compassion’. They only love and care for their lifestyle. They don’t care about you, and have no love or compassion or respect for anyone, particularly their families and children.

Keep the DC away. Don’t be in the position of relenting and realising what I’ve just said is true afterwards, which is an easy trap cos alcoholics and their wingmen lie. And lie.

YANBU to keep your daughter away (and you!) she doesn't deserve to be around that sort of behaviour.

Sadly, though she probably can't see it, your mum is enabling him by making excuses for him.

Can you contact alcoholics anonymous for some support for yourself? Also, can you suggest your mum does the same?

I have known two alcoholics. One was the father of a friend. He was a nice man underneath it all but drinking destroyed him. His wife asked him to leave eventually due to the impact it was having on her and their daughters. He went to live with his sister who tried to support him. Unfortunately, he couldn't stop and died of liver failure at just 50

The other was my Nan's partner. He made zero effort to do anything about his drinking, denied it when asked by doctors who were seeing him because of his numerous health problems caused by it. He died of an alcohol related condition eventually as well.

Unfortunately, with alcoholism, the person has to want to get better themselves. Until that point, little can be done.

OP do whatever it is that you need to do to protect yourself and your DC and don’t feel any guilt about it.
My DF was an alcoholic for my entire life. It eventually killed him two years ago and I’m still untangling the impact his drinking had on me. I went pretty much NC for the last few years of his life and I remember a friend (who had had his own addiction problems) telling me that I was being unfair. That my dad would have been terrified of giving up alcohol, that he needed me and that he couldn’t help it. I asked him if my dad had a condition that meant he was completely unable to stop himself from punching me in the face every time he saw me, should I have put up with that too? So yeah, that’s my advice to you.

Definitely on Team OP here. Your child is your responsibility, your brother is not, and stepping right back from him until he engages with stopping drinking is a wise decision. It also sets your daughter a good example of setting firm boundaries.

Your mum may feel very isolated supporting him on her own, but that's not a reason for you to be drawn into her co-dependent behaviour, and certainly not if it compromises your daughter's emotional health.

My MiL is an alcoholic and I have seen the terrible effects on the wider family. I have helped my DH reconcile his guilt at protecting himself by distancing. My lovely SiL has not felt as able to do it and the impact is terrible, and it does affect her children too. Hell would freeze over before any children I had went near my MiL. It is easier for me as I can be more detached, they (of course) cannot. That guilt of dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t is awful and so damaging.

My FiL is an enabler with his own difficulties which I am sympathetic to. I cannot fix him either. My priority is my DH, my SiL and her children. I am ruthless and heartless in this to protect them and I make no apologies for it.

I have no patience with people who advocate for drinkers and how family should support them as it is an illness. I don’t dispute it is an illness but I think that is a simplistic approach with no understanding of the nuances.

Protect yourself. Protect your child.

@MulberrySquash my ex DH sadly passed away last year. He finally got sober some years after we separated but his health never recovered. DS was only 2 when we left but continued to see his Dad. AFAIK he never addressed his alcoholism with now teen DS, he only ever acknowledged it to me once via WhatsApp and he certainly never apologised for the heartache.

OP looking back I feel guilty for facilitating contact between DS and his Dad, looking back I must have dropped him off when his Dad had been drinking. I think I was brainwashed into thinking his behaviour was normal. On the positive side his GPs were there. I would distance yourself and your DC for their sake and wait for your mum to wake up.

@Oneborneverydecade we've chatted previously (I name change a lot) and think it was on the alcohol board. I also feel the same guilt about sending DC to see their dad when he was clearly drinking and I'm just hearing now about how badly he treated them (DC didn't want me to feel guilty so didn't tell me)

@HuntingoftheSnark thank you. It's really useful to hear that. I have no idea if my ex goes to AA but I presumed any sort of treatment would involve some level of looking into the past.

@MulberrySquash that's really tough, I hope they're doing okay

It seems DS was young enough not to remember but I also feel guilty for not fully understanding the pressure on him caring for his Dad before he died.

Hello
My brother was an alcoholic. He has spent the past 10 years going in and out of hospital detoxify, pancreatitis, heart attacks and finally last weekend he died of an accidental overdose of paracetamol and alcohol.

I too felt like you. I loved my brother more than the world. I begged him to go to AA. He lasted 2 weeks. He had so many friends yet complained he was lonely. He fought bitterly with my dad and would steal your last tenner just to buy his scrumpy Jacks.
He is gone now and the grief is so painful.
Please join Al anon to seek advice and support and perhaps you can organise an intervention before it is too late.
My brother is gone and i pray he is finally at peace.

Unless he is in active treatment he is not doing anything.

Yes, protect yourself and your daughter. Also make it very clear what you are doing and why and stick to your guns.

I'm sorry OP. Been there, she killed herself through drink. Some family members enabled her "she's trying, she hasn't had a drink today" but others had to step back.

It's a selfish illness and the only person who can stop it is the alcoholic. They have to want to though. Only once they are clean can they address the reason they turned to drink, it can never work the other way around.

One of my brothers is an alcoholic. His behaviour is awful and definitely got worse with age. I am NC with him and have no regrets.

@BlueRocky

My dm doesn't see what she's doing as enabling him, but I would disagree. To me excusing his behaviour and shielding him from any consequences for his actions isn't helping. It's always been the way though, even before my db's problems with alcohol. It's incredibly frustrating for me and my other siblings.

I don't know if he's bullying my dm, but he's definitely being very emotionally manipulative, I worry for her a lot.

She's enabling him to continue being an absolute bollocks to everyone around him. That's her choice but she's not doing him any favours. The fact she wants to be blinkered to the reality of his addiction does not mean the rest of you have to pander to him or to her. Stay away from him. Tell your mother she's entitled to her opinion but you are equally entitled to yours. Maybe get some information online or some leaflets showing her that her defending him is not helping him overcome his addiction. He needs to help himself and that won't happen if mammy is there to stand up for him when he's acting like a prick.

@MulberrySquash

Could I ask a question of those who are now sober. Does AA/rehab/detox etc address any of the reasons a person drinks and try to get them to deal with them and also to make amends to those they have hurt whilst drunk, or is it just based on the physical act of getting someone sober? Asking as the parent of DC with an estranged alcoholic father who has been through treatment many times but has not once tried to apologise to his DC for the awful things he put them through.

Apologies for hijacking the post OP.

Exactly as @HuntingoftheSnark has posted.

Friend of Bills here too.

Step 1 - "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable"

This doesn't always mean the problem drinker is not functioning, as in they can still manage their life.

But for me, it's not being able to manage my feelings when drinking, after I've been drinking the remorse and shame, that's unmanageable

I'm sorry OP.
I have a sibling who is alcohol dependent too. It's so hard, but as you say, your priority has to be your own child.
Set firm boundaries and stick to them.

@Econ123, I am so sorry for your loss.

The number one rule is that you protect yourself. If you can offer support while maintaining your own wellbeing and you want to then do it. But if you can’t, don’t. There’s no point jumping on a sinking ship, and if he’s going to get better he will do it with or without your support, there are support groups, twelve steps programmes, specialist services, he also has your mother.

I grew up with an alcoholic mum, she was an incredible mother and I miss her a lot. But she started really heavily drinking in my late teens and was dead within two years. At times during that period I did distance myself for my own sanity and she understood (not that it’d have stopped me if she hadn’t). At other times I was fairly low contact, kept in touch, other times we were very close and I oscillated between trying to get her better and accepting it wasn’t in any way in my hands and just being there for her.

It’s okay not to want to provide endless sympathy and support, addiction is a horrific thing to go through and takes an immense amount of strength and luck to overcome. But it’s also not your problem to solve, and you really do have to care for yourself first and foremost.