To ask how you cope with an alcoholic in the family

[BlueRocky]

My brother is an alcoholic, has been for several years and has got worse over the lockdowns. The drink makes him nasty and short tempered, anything can set him off so all the family walk on eggshells around him.

Recently I've got to the point where I just don't want to be around him anymore. He frequently says horrible things to me and is so negative and self obsessed, I feel completely drained in his company. On a few occasions he's lost his patience with my dd, that was a real turning point for me. I don't want him around me or my child anymore and I told him this. I stand by my decision, it's my job to protect my child right? But my mum's reaction to this has really shocked me.

She says my db needs all our love and support right now. That he's trying to get better and I'm making things worse. She doesn't want to hear how upsetting this is for me, because that's "making things all about you". Is this really the right way to deal with an alcoholic? Should we continue to support them to the detriment of ourselves? I really didn't expect my dm to react in this way and it's made me question my whole judgement on the situation.

My dad is an alcoholic and has been for 30 years. My siblings and I found a way to rub along with him by visiting when he is pleasant but staying well away when he is cheeky or abusive. We just turn and walk out.

Next time we see him he is pleasant.

You do not have to see DB nor should you take your child anywhere you feel unsafe.

You will learn to accept yourself for doing this even though everyone else who has the luxury of being more distantly connected to him will stand and point the finger and say you shud do this or that. We get it all the time if people see him looking unkempt as if it is our job to scrape him up every time he gets in a pickle a fight or a fall. It is not our job nor is it yours.

Your mum is doing this to you now, and she will learn as well that your brother is selfish. It’s an illness yes but it is a very selfish one. He will only ever see his own problems not yours. My aunt had a stroke and my dad made it all about the time he had a stroke.

and you cannot change him therefore you must look after yourself

I too set firm boundaries and in no way enabled my brother's alcoholism, just remember alcoholism is a progressive disease. Alcohol dependent turns into illness, hospitalisation and if the alcoholic doesn't get sober it is the end of the line.

I regret not organising an intervention. He lasted 2 weeks in AA and after decades of alcohol he passed last week at 52.

Ignoring the problem wont make it go away. I completely understand

It is exactly 10 days since my brother passed from an accidental alcohol and paracetamol overdose.

To all of you here who are setting boundaries to protect yourself and your family, i did exactly this. I took him out and he would never take me out, i begged him to go to AA, he lasted 2 weeks, i filled his fridge with food. He didn't eat it. He did 2 spells in rehab in Scotland, it didn't work. He had 2 heart attack and carried on drinking.
I didn't stage an intervention, i wasn't sure it could work.
In the end he was on a ventilator and his kidneys collapsed. He was 52.
If you love your alcoholic family member just tell them how much. Before it is too late.

@Econ123

It is exactly 10 days since my brother passed from an accidental alcohol and paracetamol overdose.

To all of you here who are setting boundaries to protect yourself and your family, i did exactly this. I took him out and he would never take me out, i begged him to go to AA, he lasted 2 weeks, i filled his fridge with food. He didn't eat it. He did 2 spells in rehab in Scotland, it didn't work. He had 2 heart attack and carried on drinking.
I didn't stage an intervention, i wasn't sure it could work.
In the end he was on a ventilator and his kidneys collapsed. He was 52.
If you love your alcoholic family member just tell them how much. Before it is too late.

I’m sorry for your loss. I know this pain, having watched my mum die in front of me at 22 from alcoholism. Not a pain I’d ever wish on anyone.

For what it’s worth, your brother had support, he had opportunities, he had specialists on hand at rehab and through AA, and if none of that was enough then he just wasn’t ready and no intervention organised by you would have made any difference to that. There’s an idea that alcoholics will hit rock bottom and then recover and it’s shocking and jarring when you realise that for some people rock bottom is death and they’re not ready or able to recover in time to save their lives. Leaves you with a lot of ‘what if’s and ‘it only’s and leaves you thinking that you could have changed the tragic outcome if you’d only tried harder or done something differently. But you couldn’t.

Wishing you strength during your grief, Econ: your brother’s death wasn’t your fault or anything you could have changed.

So sorry for your loss @Econ123
It sounds like you did everything you could and more. I hope you are getting love and support to help you at this what must be an incredibly difficult time

I'm so sorry, Econ123. So many of us have been in the same boat. It's the powerlessness that get you - my late husband also had two stints in rehab and heart problems, but he never found that point in time where he was ready for recovery. He was in denial right up until he died - he was found dead in his flat 8 months after being made to move out of the family home because he threatened to kill me. Alcohol turned him into someone he wasn't - abusive, verbally aggressive, deeply neglectful of our two DDs. But the bottom line is he made the choice to drink. The choice to not drink was also up to him. All us loved ones can do is look after ourselves and each other.

Bless you, thank you.
It helps to share my experience here to be honest. I am in the middle of planning his funeral which i am absolutely dreading.
Have a good day

You need to do whatever you feel is right to protect your daughter and protect yourself. Your brother will get better or will get worse with or without your help.
Alcoholism is a disease and not always a choice, we should have empathy for the alcoholics in our lives but that does not mean blindly support at a detriment to yourself.

Try and find your local Al Anon meeting. It has helped me through some of the hardest times. Some meetings are still online but some are back face to face now. It's overwhelming at first but you will find people in the same boat as you.
Good luck OP.x

Also agree with your comments RE your mums feelings. She is enabling him. It is sadly a family disease and affects us all in different ways.

@BrozTito

As a former alchy, they arnt ' trying to get better' until they stop being a selfish arse prioritising their enjoyment over everybody and everything and actually start leaving it alone

Absolutely this.

Hi OP, firstly I hope you are okay? . My dad was an alcoholic and it is difficult to put into words how destructive the behaviour of an alcoholic can be. I could go through the times he told me I was ugly and would never get married, that I was thick and should not bother with exams, the beatings and fairly random violence. On at least two occasions he broke every stick of furniture in our house, so we had nowhere to sit. He died before my kids were born, but had he not, I would never have allowed them to see him in drunken state. In frankness, I still suffer the repercussions of my dad's alcoholism and I have had very useful counselling to help me cope. Issues such as anxiety (caused by my brain anticipating violence or aggression even when people start to get mildly excited).

Never ever expose your kids to this.

Your mum is fulfilling a role familiar to me- the enabler in denial. Please find the strength to ignore her and prioritise you and your child. She is simply wrong and I would be clear- it is not all about you, but protection of you and your child is what you are and should be about. Good luck OP.

Look after yourself and your DC. You've been there tried to support him, it doesn't work.
I wouldn't expose my DC to this.
I feel very sorry for your DM supporting her adult DC through it. As a sister I'd walk away.

@Econ123

@Econ123

Bless you, thank you. It helps to share my experience here to be honest. I am in the middle of planning his funeral which i am absolutely dreading. Have a good day

If you want to talk outside this thread, please pm me. I have been where you are now and am a safe place for you to vent if you need it.

@Econ123 I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is very raw for you but through time I hope you are able to look back and give yourself peace that you actually could not stage an intervention. You did so much for him to feel loved but an alcoholic often doesn’t want the love or intervention.

I agree with everything @BabyLeaf said.

My dad now has terminal cancer after decades of drinking and smoking. He is facing death and still hasn’t hit rock bottom with the drink. He now just raises his glass joyfully as if he finally has a valid reason to drink harder.

We have accepted that there will be no intervening and in fact we accepted it many years ago.

I wish there was more awareness for what children and families of alcoholics go through. There is only one charity I know of NACOA and I really wish the profile was raised to give young children counselling so that they don’t grow up constantly trying to change what they can’t control.