AIBU? Mil and expecting care

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 20/08/2021 12:22

I am stunned that she could think that you are in a position to care for her. Her 3 DC need to sit down with her and explain that none of them are in a position to care for and discuss practicalities going forward. What level of care does she need at present?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2021 12:24

Of course you’re not but no one is obliged to care for MIL and DH needs to be extremely clear with his mum - his mum not his sisters - about what if any help he can offer and what she’ll need to pay for or access through official channels. You and your DC must be his first priority and he has a responsibility not to overstretch himself by caring for anyone else.

Go on holiday when you can! MIL will need to find help elsewhere.

I think your anger with your SILs is misplaced, none of you have to shoulder MIL’s caring needs.

And this is for your DH to manage, you’ve got too much on your plate already.

Everydayimhuffling · 20/08/2021 12:27

She can expect all she likes. Doesn't mean you have to do it. I agree with PP though that the three siblings need to meet together with their mum and work out what care THEY (not you) can provide.

ShingleBeach · 20/08/2021 12:34

Your DH and both his sisters need to sit down and talk to her about future planning and say that you and your DH will not be able to provide regular care, but that when she needs it there can be provision for regular carers who can come in and help with showering, meal provision etc.

Age UK has excellent info pages about what is provided depending on different levels if MIL’s savings.

Whole family planning, rather than individual guilt tripping, resentment and anxiety.

It is clearly ridiculous to exit the you and DH to take on regular care.

It can feel very hard hearted, making practical decisions, but it is best for the long term to be realistic. My parents fought having carers, but I teamed up with my siblings who live closer than I do and agreed that the closer siblings could not take on routine regular care. We stood firm as a family. They are now settled with regular carers, and quite happy with it, and my siblings and I can spend time providing fun and social visits.

Lottapianos · 20/08/2021 12:34

Agree with everyone else. Absolutely no way should you be expected to take this on. Her 3 children need to discuss this with her and make a plan. My MIL currently needs some home help and we've arranged visits from an agency 3 times a week.

Original poster

Bidendoesnthaveaclue · 20/08/2021 12:35

I'm not angry at the SILS. They both have their own life's and one of them I do not get on with (unrelated issues) and am secretly glad she's not here helping!
It is to much expected of us though, DH does help me with the things I need doing like washing etc but he seriously lacks on some things and so I don't think he's capable of looking after all 3 of us (he has autism and adhd himself.)
I just feel very put out by MILs comment. My own parents have health difficulties too and I'm only a only child so I must think about my parents on top! MILs needs arent that extreme just yet but she does need help with house work and bills/letters etc it's slowly getting worse but not unmanageable just yet.
DH won't bring it up with his sisters despite me saying this is putting me under a lot of pressure!

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 20/08/2021 12:39

Your DH needs to have a conversation with his sisters and then his DM. It's not fair on you at all. He needs to step up.

Quickchangeartiste · 20/08/2021 12:50

I think some of the pressure is coming from your own thoughts rather than others. I totally empathise as I am in a similar place, but without disabilities of my own.
You need to let her comments wash over you.you do not owe her your guilt. You do not owe her anything, other than compassion.
It is fine, indeed right, to just say No, I am unable to help. Your DH needs to understand that you mean it. As PP have said, he needs to step up.
What he then does is up to him - ideally he starts a planning conversation with his mum.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 20/08/2021 12:52

Don’t bring it up with your SILs, bring it up with MIL. Or simply ask her how she plans on managing x, y, z and when she says you will do it explain that it won’t be possible.
No need for a confrontation, as long as people are open with eachother it is easy to clear the air.
For ex start by saying you heard about what she said to SIL and you wanted to make sure there was no misunderstanding.

godmum56 · 20/08/2021 12:53

@Bidendoesnthaveaclue

I'm not angry at the SILS. They both have their own life's and one of them I do not get on with (unrelated issues) and am secretly glad she's not here helping! It is to much expected of us though, DH does help me with the things I need doing like washing etc but he seriously lacks on some things and so I don't think he's capable of looking after all 3 of us (he has autism and adhd himself.) I just feel very put out by MILs comment. My own parents have health difficulties too and I'm only a only child so I must think about my parents on top! MILs needs arent that extreme just yet but she does need help with house work and bills/letters etc it's slowly getting worse but not unmanageable just yet. DH won't bring it up with his sisters despite me saying this is putting me under a lot of pressure!

this is sadly very common (I used to work for the NHS in the community) I would suggest to you that you do what I used to suggest for relis....you sit down and decide what you are able to offer on a regular very long term basis. Factor in for times when a crisis occurs somewhere in your life and what you could offer then and then tell the family including MIL and suggest that everyone does the same. Then you will see where the gaps are and what external help she will need. In your case I would suggest that you discuss this with your husband first but don't be diverted or put off because the alternative is either that the whole care structure collapses or you will drive yourself into the ground trying to do more than you can. Do this as tactfully and lovingly as you can but do it before crisis point. Oh btw worse case i ever met was a work colleague whose Mum became permanently unwell. Her sibs got together behind her back and told her that she was going to give up her career to care for their Mum and they would pay her a living wage to do it! Luckliy she was a strong minded person and her second word was "off"

MzHz · 20/08/2021 12:54

You just tell dh that you’re not Available to help and that he needs to sort it out with his family.

You won’t get sucked in if you don’t want to be.

Hummingbird1950 · 20/08/2021 13:01

If DP won't bring it up with his sisters ask him to at least tell his DM that neither you nor him is in a position to care for her at all and that she will have to make other arrangements. His sisters can tell her separately that they're not willing to do it either. It's a kindness to tell her now instead of waiting until the last moment. Also who is helping now with the stuff she needs help with? If it's you or DP I'd stop that and tell her it's not viable to help with it long term. As a family you already have so much going on, you really don't have caring energies to spare. If you don't stop it now you risk it gradually creeping up without you noticing and due to your family situation, if one of you becomes overwhelmed by looking after MIL it's not a case of stopping at that point and having a rest, because you're already doing more than most people in your everyday lives. If MIL is struggling with housework she needs a cleaner now, not in the future, so she needs to organise that. Tell her to look into what help is available for bills and letters, before she becomes so bad she's incapable of organising that help. You're being unfair to your SIL saying she "moved away and left you with MIL". That's not true, none of you are responsible for MIL. All SIL did was do what's best for her life. Are you friends with the other SIL and that's how you found out what got said? Next time you speak to her you could mention that you or DP won't be taking on any caring duties for MIL, just so SIL knows to ignore comments like that from MIL.

Lockdownbear · 20/08/2021 13:01

Bills etc can be managed by a sibling remotely.
Housework, unfortunately she is going to need to pay a cleaner.

The 3 siblings need to discuss what help is needed, what they are able to provide and look forward to what is likely to be needed in the future.

Mrstamborineman · 20/08/2021 13:03

Nope. No thank you and no way.
Be busy, start as mean to go on. Ignore MIL and support SIL as much as you able.

DelphineMarineaux · 20/08/2021 13:03

@Bidendoesnthaveaclue

Could do with some advice.

We moved closer to MIL a few years ago, along with DHs sister.
DHs sister moved away and left us with MIL.
DHs other sister is upset thinking she now has to uproot her life and move here to care for MIL... MIL has told her not to worry as myself and DH will care/help her.
I'm psychically disabled and a few years off a wheelchair I won't get better and my disability shortens my life span. We also have a disabled DC. So as you can imagine we have a lot on our plates. I can barely dress or wash myself!
I'm upset as now on top of everything we're expected to care for MIL as she gets older , it restricts us a lot from going on holiday/going away visiting family as one of us will have to be here to help MIL at all times.
AIBU to feel put out by this? She's well aware of our struggles but still expects us to care for her.

Your own disabilities aside, it's not like she's your mother. I don't see why you have any responsibility towards her, especially when you aren't well yourself. Your husband can decide for himself if he'll take on the entire load of looking after his mother, or if he wants to share that load with his sister.

InteriorDesignHell · 20/08/2021 13:06

Bear in mind that as a vulnerable elderly person, it is not in her interest to have carers who are exhausted, resentful, and intermittently not able to come because of their own crises.

Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 13:33

You just need to be clear that you cannot/will not be providing care, as you don’t feel that you have capacity to do so alongside your current responsibilities and own needs.

It’s best for everyone to be upfront and open. Then the sisters can choose to do whatever is right for them.

Original poster

Bidendoesnthaveaclue · 20/08/2021 13:52

Because it's expected that I be responsible for her. I don't understand why.. I've never given the impression that I want to care for her as it's likely I'll die before her and that's not how I want to spend the end of my days lol.
I've always been honest when asked to help before that I have my own limitations and must be very careful. I think I just need to tell DH it's his mum and his sisters and this is something I won't be getting involved in.

OP posts:

TillyTopper · 20/08/2021 13:55

Address this with MIL - who is she going to engage to care for her? Don't take this on but get her to think about what sort of care she needs/wants, work out how she'll pay for it and which organisation is going to do it.

You need to ensure you stay disengaged and perhaps take a few ad hoc breaks without notice so she learns you can't be there all the time (and that you can't do any care in the first place).

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/08/2021 14:01

YANBU even if you weren't disabled. Given you are they are being ridiculous. Just say you're not well enough to do it and you don't want anyone to suggest it again.

BeauxRingarde · 20/08/2021 14:05

AIBU to feel put out by this? She's well aware of our struggles but still expects us to care for her. confused

You are being unreasonable to just put up with this, let her expect it, and be a martyr.
What you need to do is tell her that her expectations are misplaced, and you are not in a position to provide care for her.

StarttoFinish · 20/08/2021 14:10

You only have to do what you can and want to. Other than that either social services will arrange care or MIL will have to pay for it, based on her means. If she wants more care than the state assesses she needs she can pay for it.

It's possible it's just something she said to make SIL feel better and she knows it can't happen in reality.

In almost all the families I know where families are taking on all or most of the care, it's ultimately a choice made by the children because they don't want to see "their" inheritance "wasted" on care.

PercyPiginaWig · 20/08/2021 14:10

Your husband can decide for himself if he'll take on the entire load of looking after his mother, or if he wants to share that load with his sister.

Well no he can't decide to take on the entire load as he has a disabled wife and children, one of them also disabled.

This doesn't mean it's down to his sisters either but it does mean MIL needs to come up with a plan.
I've seen it in my family, guilt tripping of people to care for older relatives, I've seen my father run ragged looking after a relative to his own detriment.
An older female relative told social services she didn't need any help as her daughter would do it all. Her daughter with health issues, a disabled husband and no driving licence.

I fully expect that if I'm lucky enough to live to old age, or unlucky enough to need care before then, that it will be paid help.
I wouldn't want to impose on family to that degree, I want both parties to be able to enjoy time spent together.

Confused102 · 20/08/2021 14:13

Yabu because you are entertaining this. You need to be clear on this. You are not doing it and it's the end of discussion. And stop justifying yourself because it makes it seem like you are doing something wrong. Just stop. She isn't your mother and she has daughters who need to step up. Tell your dh to not expect anything from you as you do not have the capacity to provide it.

Akire · 20/08/2021 14:21

Are you caring now to extent you can’t go on holiday?