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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Mil and expecting care

77 replies

Bidendoesnthaveaclue · 20/08/2021 12:20

Could do with some advice.

We moved closer to MIL a few years ago, along with DHs sister.
DHs sister moved away and left us with MIL.
DHs other sister is upset thinking she now has to uproot her life and move here to care for MIL... MIL has told her not to worry as myself and DH will care/help her.
I'm psychically disabled and a few years off a wheelchair I won't get better and my disability shortens my life span. We also have a disabled DC. So as you can imagine we have a lot on our plates. I can barely dress or wash myself!
I'm upset as now on top of everything we're expected to care for MIL as she gets older , it restricts us a lot from going on holiday/going away visiting family as one of us will have to be here to help MIL at all times.
AIBU to feel put out by this? She's well aware of our struggles but still expects us to care for her.

OP posts:

Akire · 20/08/2021 15:53

Everyone needs a break, could she not accept carers for week a year? I know these things take time register and cost but so sad that family not get chance go away together. I’m disabled can’t think anything worse than asking family and then watch rest of their family go on holiday without them. Not unless they only person in world could support me.

LoislovesStewie · 20/08/2021 15:58

Just say 'no'. You can't compromise your own health for another. You have far too much on your plate already. Your DH needs to look at alternatives, and please don't get involved, let him and any other relative of MIL sort it out. Look after yourself

TatianaBis · 20/08/2021 16:05

Some elderly people are completely unrealistic about care. My elderly aunt thought I was going to move in and care for her. (I have 3 kids, DH, animals, job!) Then she thought she would move to Hawaii so her adopted step daughter could care for her.

DH needs to manage the situation. Quiet, firm explanations that 3 disabled people are as much as he can cope with.

The it's up to SIL what she chooses to do. Either she moves to be near her mum or she moves her mum near her, or MIL goes into a retirement home when the time comes.

HollyGrail · 20/08/2021 16:06

Why does she need care? How old is she, what is wrong with her - or is this just something she expects in the future?
Unless she is bedridden and penniless I can't see what the fuss is about.

Topseyt · 20/08/2021 16:07

I am glad you are going away with your own family for a break.

Stick to your guns here. It is grossly unfair of your DH and any of his family to expect you to take on MIL's care. You have quite enough on your plate with your own advancing disability and unfortunately it does seem that you will have to ram that home to them. You shouldn't have to, but it seems you do.

When you go away with your family make sure that DH has all of this ringing in his ears so that he has to think about it. He and his mother and siblings need to come together for a realistic discussion about how care can be provided without involving you.

MIL may well have to accept that she will need to pay for at least some of her care. Perhaps a fair bit of it.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 20/08/2021 16:11

I'm glad to read your last update, OP. I was wondering if the problem was with your MIL, your SILs or your DH. This line made me feel it was probably your DH:

DH won't bring it up with his sisters despite me saying this is putting me under a lot of pressure!

...and as I read through the thread this became much clearer. (He may have a DM or DS problems himself, but he doesn't get to try to solve this by attempting to pass the buck to you!)

Essentially you don't actually have a problem here at all, in the sense that it is not your mother making assumptions about her care and it doesn't actually matter what everyone else's expectations are, they can't make you do it. Your plan to tell DH to sort it out while you're away and never mention it to you again is a good one. Does he often disregard you and your feelings in this way, or is it limited to this issue only?

CallmeHendricks · 20/08/2021 16:22

I just don't understand how three siblings can seriously just "expect" that it will be the disabled spouse with elderly parents of her own, who will do the caring for THEIR parent!
Where on earth did they get that idea from?

cantkeepawayforever · 20/08/2021 16:23

My worry with what you propose is that your DH - intentionally or unintentionally - will end up continuing to support his DM by taking away the support that you and your disabled DC need.

You are already starting by going away without him, perpetuating the idea that you cannot go away as a family as his DM needs him.

Can he join you for the second week of your break? So he has a week to work it out so that he can come on holiday with you as well as formulate a draft written longer term plan THAT YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO READ AND AGREE WITH to make sure that it includes sufficient provision in it for the time and effort he will need to put in to care for you and your DC into the future

Winter2020 · 20/08/2021 16:32

Hi,
No way should you be involved in caring for MIL. You don’t want to be, you’re not well and she’s not your mum.

Just don’t get involved. No one elses expectations can make you. You say she needs help with housework - she needs to pay a cleaner then. You are not well and your husband has enough on his plate. If you do it you are setting a precedent that you will get involved.

I agree that you should decide without pressure what you and your partner are willing to do. This might not be care or cleaning - might be pop in for a cup of tea or do an online shop.

Any arrangement includes that if you are on holiday or have other plans you won’t be able to go.

If MIL asks for help cleaning/gardening/care work offer to help her find someone/ask for recommendations. If she cannot do things you might be able to help research benefits to pay for help or ask social services for a needs assessment.

HyacynthBucket · 20/08/2021 16:32

If she only needs practical help with the house etc.at present, could she not claim Attendance Allowance, which will give her money to pay for such help. It is completely unrealistic for her to expect help from you OP, and you should not even consider it, nor should your DH do so on your behalf. Have a discussion with whole family and work out something to take account of her care needs in the future - that does not involve you or your family. That way your DH can continue to have a reasonable relationship with her, without pressure on you. Only people who are extremely UR would expect anything else. Hope you keep well OP, don't let them push you around.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/08/2021 16:35

You will just need to be extremely firm. Or rather, get your dh to do so.
If she really does need care, apart from e.g. shopping, which one of her dcs can order online, she’ll have to get help in - and pay for it, if she has savings above £23.5k IIRC.

If not, she’ll have to involve social services - and you’ll need to be very firm with them, too, if they start expecting your involvement.

Plus it’s common for the elderly to tell SS that they don’t want or need anyone in, their dd or DiL will do what’s necessary.
So firmness right from the start is needed. And don’t feel guilty about it!

Hummingbird1950 · 20/08/2021 16:40

@diddl

"Never did I think I would then be expected to care for her."

How was it "sold" to him?

If he wants to care for his mum then that's up to him.

But it can't be at the expense of you & your child.

The trouble is, if it's not going to be at the expense of OP and their DC, then given OPs DH has autism and ADHD it's likely to be at the expense of his own health, which will in turn leave OP up a creek without a paddle and him in a situation of having nobody to support him when he needs it (because he's everybody's rock) delaying his recovery. Or perhaps to accommodate caring for three people (there's the disabled DC too) he'd need to give up work, leaving his immediate family in a much worse position financially and his career suffering the same sort of damage a woman's career suffers when she takes time out for caring responsibilities. There's no way round it, neither OP nor her DH can realistically care for MIL.

I have to say OP that the SILs are a piece of work, both of them. They don't want to care for MIL so they manipulate their neurodiverse brother into a situation where he feels he has to (or his wife has to). The whole thing is nasty. OP if your DH isn't with you on this, and it sounds like he might not be, you'll need to consider the possibility that he won't be able to remain your carer in the long term and you'll need care from external agencies too.

christinarossetti19 · 20/08/2021 16:50

Good plan OP.

Go on holiday, have a lovely time, don't think about MIL, don't talk about MIL and continue the latter two once you're home again.

This is for Dh and his sisters to work out.

IMVHE, the only way to persuade some older relatives into accepting other people as carers or to pay for services like housework is to flat out refuse to do them yourself.

It feels withholding and 'unkind', but stretching yourself even thinner while feeling resentful is no way to live.

Blossomtoes · 20/08/2021 16:52

@Bidendoesnthaveaclue

Tempted to move but DH won't. I'm just going to tell him today and be honest then it's down to him to sort. No I don't provide her care but DH refuses to leave her on her own for a week.

In which case you have a DH problem. I wouldn’t leave my parents for a week when they became very old and frail but I was an only child. You can have a holiday, DH needs to arrange cover with his sisters. Mil needs a cleaner who she can pay and the siblings need to decide who’s doing the paperwork.

RampantIvy · 20/08/2021 17:05

She needs to be told it isn't going to happen. Does she know the extent of your disability and that of your DC?

ancientgran · 20/08/2021 17:08

Could she be saying this to stop her daughter worrying/moving or whatever. Are you sure she actually expects anything?

Hankunamatata · 20/08/2021 17:22

Time to budget mil and sil to cover for paid help. Cleaner and perhaps a home help that comes in half hour a day to do anything she needs

billy1966 · 20/08/2021 17:50

OP,
Glad you are getting away with your family.

Take the time to make a back up plan.

Can you spend solid time with your parents going forward?
Do they have room?

Do not be bullied any further.

It sounds as if you have been played.

Bullied into moving so you can be carer.

The bloody cheek.

Your husband sounds awful, as if he couldn't care less about you.

Well YOU put you first.

ancientgran · 20/08/2021 18:42

She says she can barely wash and dress herself and her husband does it. I think it is unfair to say he couldn't care less about her.

Presumably if the OP is disabled her husband must also do care for their disabled child.

On top of that he also has autism and ADHD.

He might be weak and not standing up to his family, he might not have thought it through but he clearly does care.

UltimateIrritant · 20/08/2021 18:46

I second Attendance allowance. It's not means tested and goes directly to your mil to use towards further care as she sees fit. Perhaps a cleaner, gardener or a taxi to when required. The lower rate is about £67 per week.
Online groceries, banking and bills can be set up for her to use or relatives to do remotely.
It may be an idea to set up Power of Attorney for the siblings to make life easier down the line.

LittleOwl153 · 20/08/2021 19:10

You sit down with your husband and ensure than he understands exactly what you and your children need from him both now and with your prognosis in the future.

I would then be tempted to write all this down and send it in a letter to your MIL and 2 SIL and say that given the responsibilities your husband already has and your prognosis /your child's needs that despite your MIL's expressed intentions this is not a burden you can hold and is not something you will support your dh in taking on and that perhaps you feel they are taking advantage of him with their expectations.

You, I hope, know how your dh works with his autism/adhd and how to get through to him and then support him in getting through to his family.

WildfirePonie · 20/08/2021 19:10

Enjoy your holiday and don't think about this problem that isn't yours to sort!

They can expect whatever they like. No one can force you to do anything.

LittleOwl153 · 20/08/2021 19:11

Can you apply for any kind of support yourself to rase some of the pressure? I assume you have dla for the child and pip? For your DH?

Dontwatchfootball · 20/08/2021 19:15

The siblings need to have a full and frank discussion with her about her expectations now, before she is too frail or the situation is too desperate to make good decisions. But you are not obligated to do anything and the discussion may need to be opened with the statement that you are concerned that you physical health problems will mean that you are not able to care for her in the way you would wish, so it is important to have a good plan in place. Good luck.

Erwhatno · 20/08/2021 19:31

They definitely planned on this to be on you. No idea why. Sorry op, I’d be making it clear to the mil and sils that you won’t be doing any of it!

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