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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Mil and expecting care

77 replies

Bidendoesnthaveaclue · 20/08/2021 12:20

Could do with some advice.

We moved closer to MIL a few years ago, along with DHs sister.
DHs sister moved away and left us with MIL.
DHs other sister is upset thinking she now has to uproot her life and move here to care for MIL... MIL has told her not to worry as myself and DH will care/help her.
I'm psychically disabled and a few years off a wheelchair I won't get better and my disability shortens my life span. We also have a disabled DC. So as you can imagine we have a lot on our plates. I can barely dress or wash myself!
I'm upset as now on top of everything we're expected to care for MIL as she gets older , it restricts us a lot from going on holiday/going away visiting family as one of us will have to be here to help MIL at all times.
AIBU to feel put out by this? She's well aware of our struggles but still expects us to care for her. Confused

OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 20/08/2021 14:27

I'm psychically disabled and a few years off a wheelchair

But if you’re psychically disabled how can you see into the future like that?

Hadalifeonce · 20/08/2021 14:29

If you MiL needs care, get onto adult social services, and they can assess her needs.
That is a very good way to care for your MiL.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 20/08/2021 14:32

I'd be inclined to move right back to where I came from.

Or, if that's too close, as far away as possible.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 20/08/2021 14:33

@MaskingForIt

I'm psychically disabled and a few years off a wheelchair

But if you’re psychically disabled how can you see into the future like that?

It's that little thing known as a medical prognosis.

Aside from which, is there any need?

Original poster
Bidendoesnthaveaclue · 20/08/2021 14:35

But if you’re psychically disabled how can you see into the future like that?

Because I can hardly walk now and it's part of the prognosis. Rather rude question to make..

OP posts:
billy1966 · 20/08/2021 14:36

OP,

Tell your husband clearly, then text him so he can read it.

You will not be getting in any way involved.

Don't discuss or entertain it.

Your MIL is doing a thing I have seen quite a bit of, protecting her children and using you.

She doesn't particularly care about you or your issues, you are not her child.

Wise up and tell her, your husband, and his sisters, you will not be spending your remaining years caring for her.

Who cares if they are outraged.
The cheek of them🙄

Original poster
Bidendoesnthaveaclue · 20/08/2021 14:38

Tempted to move but DH won't. I'm just going to tell him today and be honest then it's down to him to sort.
No I don't provide her care but DH refuses to leave her on her own for a week.

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 14:40

@Bidendoesnthaveaclue

Tempted to move but DH won't. I'm just going to tell him today and be honest then it's down to him to sort. No I don't provide her care but DH refuses to leave her on her own for a week.
I think that sounds like a good idea. If anyone asks or be pushing back, Just keep repeating that you are not willing to care for her at all.

If he wants to continue care for her, there’s not much you can do about that. Maybe suggest he asks his sisters to help occasionally so you can go away on holiday?

Cuddlyrottweiler · 20/08/2021 14:47

Just say no. "Biden can you go to the shops for me?" "No sorry." "I'm disabled, I can't do that either." Or bring out the big guns "I'll probably die before you do, then what will you do?"

MIL has always said she's not going in a home, and I've always responded that that's fine, but we won't be looking after her. We'll help out with normal level stuff you do for family, but we won't be carers, we don't have the time.

honeybuns007 · 20/08/2021 14:55

@MaskingForIt

I'm psychically disabled and a few years off a wheelchair

But if you’re psychically disabled how can you see into the future like that?

It seems your joke fell flat but I get it!
streamsofwords · 20/08/2021 14:57

@Bidendoesnthaveaclue

But if you’re psychically disabled how can you see into the future like that?

Because I can hardly walk now and it's part of the prognosis. Rather rude question to make..

Haven't read the whole thread, but the poster is making a gentle (and funny!) joke about the typo Smile
Original poster
Bidendoesnthaveaclue · 20/08/2021 15:01

Oh 😂 I see the joke now. Sorry that did make me chuckle!

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 20/08/2021 15:02

@Bidendoesnthaveaclue

Because it's expected that I be responsible for her. I don't understand why.. I've never given the impression that I want to care for her as it's likely I'll die before her and that's not how I want to spend the end of my days lol. I've always been honest when asked to help before that I have my own limitations and must be very careful. I think I just need to tell DH it's his mum and his sisters and this is something I won't be getting involved in.
Let them all expect what they want. You need to be very firm in telling your Dh that you are not going to have anything to do with his mother's care. And then just don't do anything. If your Dh wants to do it then off with him. You are not obliged to lift a finger. Let Dh and his siblings get together with their mother and talk about what's needed now and what's likely needed in the future, be that a cleaner, organise online shop, poa to look after her finances, carers to come to the house etc. But you should not play any part in organising this as you have your own self to look after and your dc. You and the kids are your priority! Your MIL has her own adult children to figure out how to help her.
Notaroadrunner · 20/08/2021 15:06

@MaskingForIt

I'm psychically disabled and a few years off a wheelchair

But if you’re psychically disabled how can you see into the future like that?

Took me a few times of reading that to cop on to the joke Grin
Hummingbird1950 · 20/08/2021 15:18

@Bidendoesnthaveaclue

Tempted to move but DH won't. I'm just going to tell him today and be honest then it's down to him to sort. No I don't provide her care but DH refuses to leave her on her own for a week.
Then you have a DH problem. Because in getting married, you and your DC became his first priority. Your DH is failing his immediate family with this attitude he has towards caring for your MIL. It's as though he hasn't grown up and cut the apron strings, not realising that MIL isn't his immediate family any more but has moved to a secondary tier. I was wondering whether he wanted to move closer because MIL's plan is also his plan. If I was him I'd have been appalled that my DM wanted my disabled wife to be her carer and I'd have put her straight long ago that neither of us was in a position to help.
interest12 · 20/08/2021 15:23

@MaskingForIt

I'm psychically disabled and a few years off a wheelchair

But if you’re psychically disabled how can you see into the future like that?

bahaha 😆
diddl · 20/08/2021 15:26

MIL can say what she wants but that doesn't mean it must be done!

Why did you move closer to her?

Original poster
Bidendoesnthaveaclue · 20/08/2021 15:27

Because they all convinced DH it would be a grand old idea, I refused for many many years until he grounded me down and I just agreed for a quieter life. Never did I think I would then be expected to care for her.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/08/2021 15:31

"Never did I think I would then be expected to care for her."

How was it "sold" to him?

If he wants to care for his mum then that's up to him.

But it can't be at the expense of you & your child.

aerosocks · 20/08/2021 15:31

@Bidendoesnthaveaclue

Because it's expected that I be responsible for her. I don't understand why.. I've never given the impression that I want to care for her as it's likely I'll die before her and that's not how I want to spend the end of my days lol. I've always been honest when asked to help before that I have my own limitations and must be very careful. I think I just need to tell DH it's his mum and his sisters and this is something I won't be getting involved in.
I don't understand why It's seen to be 'Wifework' that's why.

She's not your mother. She is most definitely not your responsibility. You have enough on your plate.

You certainly do need to tell your DH and his siblings in no uncertain terms that you won't be doing it. He also needs to make it crystal clear to his mother that she is his (and his sisters') responsibility, not yours, and that she cannot rely on you.

countrygirl99 · 20/08/2021 15:32

This really is one of those occasions when no is a complete sentence. Don't explain, they will come up with "solutions". Just say no. And if DH won't go away and leave her can you go on holiday without him or with someone else?

Original poster
Bidendoesnthaveaclue · 20/08/2021 15:37

Yes. I'm going away tomorrow with my own family. DH is staying here.
So I'll be telling him he has the two weeks while I'm away to sort it out with his sisters and mum and that I don't wish to hear about it again when I'm back.
It is a husband problem, the more I think it about it the more I wonder if this was the plan! But more fool them. Smile

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 15:41

@Bidendoesnthaveaclue

Yes. I'm going away tomorrow with my own family. DH is staying here. So I'll be telling him he has the two weeks while I'm away to sort it out with his sisters and mum and that I don't wish to hear about it again when I'm back. It is a husband problem, the more I think it about it the more I wonder if this was the plan! But more fool them. Smile
Good on you! Sounds like a perfect plan. Stick to your guns.
Elouera · 20/08/2021 15:42

Is there a cultural expectation of care?

I'd maybe turn the tables and ask MIL how SHE is going to support YOU with your ailing health! Just to see what she says.

I'd get onto adult social services, age UK etc and get the ball rolling now, before she declines further.

Newestname001 · 20/08/2021 15:45

@Bidendoesnthaveaclue

Yes. I'm going away tomorrow with my own family. DH is staying here. So I'll be telling him he has the two weeks while I'm away to sort it out with his sisters and mum and that I don't wish to hear about it again when I'm back. It is a husband problem, the more I think it about it the more I wonder if this was the plan! But more fool them. Smile

Phew @Bidendoesnthaveaclue

They've tried, particularly your "D"H, to stitch you up good and proper. (Sorry terrible English but hopefully gets the point across). Your husband grinding you down over years when he must have known what the long term plan was - what a guy.

I'm glad you're going away to other family soon - don't be afraid of bringing them up to date on this scenario as you'll need to be able to talk to friends and family about this in real life. 🌹