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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In laws dont bother

61 replies

Proudmummy2018 · 20/08/2021 01:22

This has been an issue most of my childrens life. I have a 2 children 13 and 9 when my my first was born they bothered a bit which gradually got less when my 2nd came along hardly anything and there is no bond with them at all. They see them birthdays and christmas and they dont come And see them any other time have never taken them to the park played with them etc. Then covid hit and they havent seen my children since February 2020 not a phone call video call nothing. I was asked to drive past their house before christmas to collect a present for the children and they didnt even come out to the car where my children were to say hello. There excuse through this 18 months is they are keeping themself to themself as theh dont want to catch covid my issue is that doesn’t stop them calling to say hello or video calling to see them. My eldest started secondary school in that time and they never even called him to wish him luck or to see how He got on!!!! And now after not seeing their grandchildren for 18 months with the excuse they didnt want to catch covid they have now gone on holiday on a cruise!!!! There has been issues with my husband in the past when I have said anything about them as always turn it around to be my fault in the past, so during the covid ive said nothing to him but im so annoyed when he was saying all cheerfully oh my mum and dad have gone on a cruise thats lovely and I could feel myself getting more annoyed inside thinking all the other grandparents I know where so desperate to see their grandkids during the hard time and they really dont care there first thought was to go away not see
My children. Ive still not said anything to my husband as I really dont think hes bothered by it. They speak to him on the phone but they always call when hes working and never when hes home sorry for the rant!!!!!

OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 20/08/2021 01:29

This is the same as my mum OP. It's devastating when people who should love your children just don't. Absolutely heartbreaking.

But I came to realise that there's nothing I can do except accept it, readjust my expectations and encourage other, better relationships.

At the end of the day, it's their loss!

ShippingNews · 20/08/2021 01:35

Nothing much that you can do, if it's been going on all these years. And if your DH isn't worried about it, you really have to accept that this is how it is.

My ex is like this - we have grandchildren who I see all the time and have a wonderful relationship with . He turns up to our daughter's Christmas family day , and ceremoniously hands the kids one gift each , and says "this is for your birthday and Christmas", and that's it. The gift is normally a tenner in a card. The kids are used to him , but it still hurts me to see how lazy and uninterested he is.

I know it's hard but you just have to accept that this is who they are.

user64325 · 20/08/2021 01:41

That's really shit of them I'm sorry. It sounds like your husband is worse though, if he maintains regular contact with them despite the exclusion of you and his children, almost like he doesn't want to share their attention.

Proudmummy2018 · 20/08/2021 01:59

What bothers me the most is my husband acts like its fine and completely normal for them to not bother with my kids but just him and doesnt see an issue with this. Then asks me to buy them
Presents for birthday/christmas and always acts like there brilliant grandparents. If this was reverse I would be so unhappt with my parents and have to say something, luckily I have great parents who are devoted to my children so they are not Missing out on grandparents. But I no when we eventually see them (its my eldests birthday next month so we will see if they come To see him as last year they didnt and even before when they do come
Its normally 20-30 mins at most they havents seen them at christmas for 3 years) ill have to act all friendly to keep the peace and Its going to be so hard

OP posts:
Marty13 · 20/08/2021 02:03

Hey OP, at least it's your in laws. My own parents can't be arsed, that's worse.

Don't let it bother you. Act as if they were living very far away for all intents and purposes. And I wouldn't buy them any presents. Next time your DH asks you to... Just don't. Or make up some sort of excuse if you don't want to tell him the real reason (I would personally).

Marty13 · 20/08/2021 02:04

Forgot to add - why would DH even ask you to buy anything in the first place ? Surely it's up to him to get stuff for them ?

Proudmummy2018 · 20/08/2021 02:13

No Its always left to
Me to get presents cards etc last week he text me to get a present for his dad for his birthday and I had taken kids out for the day so text back and said u will have to stop at the shops after work and get somethings as we are out

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 20/08/2021 02:22

You need to sit down and talk to your DH. Make it clear that you have no real relationship with his parents and you will no longer be pretending. If he wants to get presents/cards/whatever for his parents, point him in the direction of Amazon and Moon Pig.

When his parents do visit - no need to be all loving and friendly, all you need to be is civil. They are effectively distant acquaintances to you, treat them as such.

Give stock standard responses like "that's nice". "How lovely for you", "Oh, we're fine."

Don't bother make an effort to carry the conversation if they're there and there are long pauses - leave it to your DH and your In-Laws to carry the conversation. If it gets too excruciatingly uncomfortable you could say "why don't you fill us in on some of the things you've been up to? I don't really know what you've been doing lately." And then just sit there quietly.

Mintjulia · 20/08/2021 02:54

Some people just aren't keen on dcs. My dm was the same. She was happy to have photos of her dgcs on the mantlepiece but was in no hurry to spend any time with them. It isn't personal and they shouldn't be obliged to do something they clearly don't want to.
But equally, you shouldn't have to buy presents. It's up to your dh to maintain his own relationships.

Newestname001 · 20/08/2021 03:15

@Proudmummy2018

^What bothers me the most is my husband acts like its fine and completely normal for them to not bother with my kids but just him and doesnt see an issue with this. Then asks me to buy them
Presents for birthday/christmas and always acts like there brilliant grandparents.
^

I think I'd stop buying the presents, cards etc and let your husband crack on with sorting these out for his parents. 🌹

blindspots · 20/08/2021 03:45

You're definitely not the only one.

My in-laws don't seem bothered about our children despite the fact that their two year old grandson died of cancer.

They seem to feel they spent time with us when he was ill (for two or so months) so now they don't need to to bother with our other children.

My MiL even said to my DH (her own son) "You're not the only one it's happened to".

Well it didn't happen to you Dear MiL so you have absolutely no idea what we are going through.

DH is baffled by it as we had a close and good relationship with them previously.

Yes SiL lives a lot closer and has the other grandchildren so BINGO I guess

Balonzette · 20/08/2021 04:43

You can't force them to care. Maybe they weren't a close family and have different ideas about what family members should behave like and so this is why your husband doesn't care. For example if his grandparents were like this, maybe he doesn't see the problem?

I think it is weird though. You need to talk to your husband and say basically that it isn't common and you're not happy with it - you feel like your kids are missing out on a relationship and it makes you sad. And that either he can talk about it and ask them to make some effort with the kids or you will stop making the effort with them in rethrn, i.e. no present buying at all, he can take over everything, and visit them alone if they ever do want to see you!

Honestly though, it sounds like they just have different family values and expectations than you do. I have this issue, (although slightly less extreme!) with my in-laws. I love them, but the level of contact and communication that is normal to them is too much for me as my family are ready different to them and I'm just not used to it. I'll expect they won't even really know there's an issue - for example, if they send birthday presents, but don't see the kids on their birthday, they'll probably be shocked that you're annoyed as they sent birthday presents, and maybe in their view, that's enough.

I'm guessing you're never going to have the relationship you want with them and honestly, that's okay. No kid ever suffered much from one set of slightly disinterested grandparents. If it was a parent yes, it would be a huge issue! Or even both sets of grandparents would be a bit sad for them (but nothing life-ruining!). But this really isn't the worst thing, and I'm sure they'll be just fine either way. I'd try to stop letting it bother you so much.

Goldbar · 20/08/2021 04:45

Stop buying the cards/presents. If they can't be bothered with you and your DC, why should you be bothered with them?

Just push it back onto your DH - "They're your parents. I never see them. I don't know what they would like. You need to deal with this".

I'm sorry, it must be very frustrating that they just don't care Flowers. Nothing you can do but that doesn't make it any less hurtful.

Goldbar · 20/08/2021 04:47

@blindspots. I am so, so sorry Flowers. Your in laws sound awful...I'm not sure I could even look at them if I were in your position.

Proudmummy2018 · 20/08/2021 05:52

They have caused problems in our marriage before And thats the main reason ive said nothing as I wont let them do that again. I no my kids wont be affected as they have the most amazing grandparents in my parents and they live for them always doing stuff with them telling them
Everday that they love them. It just really has gotten to me over the years that his parents are like this when they arent with their other grandchildren his dad has chrildren from a previous marriage and my husband is his mums only child so my 2 are her only full grandchildren but she has never bothered just with the others. Its been going on for so long its at the point I no nothing with change if they were going to bother they would and its been like it all their lives so my children really aren’t interested in them
Now anyway as they are old enough to no nan and grandad dont bother with us. I just want to not have to bother getting presents for them when I dont no what to get and I just feel It be best if he just sorted it out himself and he visits their house when he wants and I just see them if and when they come over to see the kids on birthdays etc as its got to the point where I dont see the point in him telling them
They dont make a effect and forcing them
To as he shouldnt have to and then it wouldnt be genuine anyway, but I dont want to say this and it causes problems for our marriage as he really isnt on the same page with regards to them at
I just change the subject and I no thats me not being brave but I cant let them come between us. Yesterday he said to me oh I text my dad as its his birthday and hes on the cruise I just replied ah yeh and changed the subject as I wont make a big deal and be all interested!!!!

OP posts:
FlorenceNightshade · 20/08/2021 05:57

Ugh my DHs parents are like this with my kids. Only difference is other grandchildren in the family get treated normally but mine are left out but that’s another story!
I don’t buy for his family anymore, my reason is I don’t know them so how could I buy a gift? They usually get impersonal gift vouchers or tat from the supermarket but never bought by me.
My dh has come to accept their shitty attitudes over the years and we just keep out kids away so they aren’t exposed to the favouritism too much.
Yes, it hurts when people who should care don’t but it’s actually more common than you realise. The grandparents are the losers, imagine having no real relationship with your gcs for no good reason?

Proudmummy2018 · 20/08/2021 06:08

@FlorenceNightshade same with my in laws other grandkids are treated different and bothered with. Im glad ur husband is on the same page as u

OP posts:
FlorenceNightshade · 20/08/2021 06:16

@Proudmummy2018 he never used to be! He’d make excuses for them but I just dug my heels in. Now I’ll only visit if invited (Christmas), won’t get involved in buying gifts, cards etc for his side and I try not to give them any headspace. Easier said than done and occasionally my anger bubbles up at how crap they are. But my kids also have one adoring set of gps, my dh has in laws that genuinely treat him like a son and on the whole we’re happy. We don’t need them

Proudmummy2018 · 20/08/2021 06:23

@FlorenceNightshade sounds so much like my situation

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 20/08/2021 06:29

I remember dd2 aged about 7 asked if Dh parents “were still our grandparents” as we barely saw them. Like the relationship expires if you don’t put any effort in which I guess it kind of does!

Their excuses to turn down our invites to stay were hilariously lame. I actually said in a non confrontational way that we had “got the message” and would step back from pushing for any contact due to it always being turned down - I was beginning to feel abit daft- and they got very upset with me!

Teacupsandtoast · 20/08/2021 06:50

@blindspots

You're definitely not the only one.

My in-laws don't seem bothered about our children despite the fact that their two year old grandson died of cancer.

They seem to feel they spent time with us when he was ill (for two or so months) so now they don't need to to bother with our other children.

My MiL even said to my DH (her own son) "You're not the only one it's happened to".

Well it didn't happen to you Dear MiL so you have absolutely no idea what we are going through.

DH is baffled by it as we had a close and good relationship with them previously.

Yes SiL lives a lot closer and has the other grandchildren so BINGO I guess

That is fucking horrendous, I'm so so sorry you have that shit to deal with amongst unimaginable grief
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/08/2021 06:56

Honestly OP don’t bother with them in any way. They sound the pits but you can’t make people who you want them to be. Your children are old enough to understand (without you telling them) that some relatives are crappier than others.
If they want to come round for your eldests bday just remember “they’ve just come off a cruise and you don’t feel comfortable seeing them due to Covid” Wink

user1497787065 · 20/08/2021 06:58

It doesn't sound like your in laws are goi g to change. The best thing you can do is accept this and learn not to let it bother you.

My children were always third rate to my in-laws. Their daughter's children were so much higher on their pecking list. The best thing I did was condition myself to not let it concern me.

Maray1967 · 20/08/2021 07:08

My PIL think it is terrible that friends of theirs left the area to move to live near their daughter and GC and think that they must be really missing their friends. Err, no, the woman in question is devoted to her DD and GC.
DH makes excuses for them. When lockdown ended and MIL said she was looking forward to going out with friends he said it was a given that she wanted to see GC as well.
In the past we’ve had demands for Christmas present ideas for GC far too early as they wanted to get that out of the way and concentrate on an event with friends. When we would invite them for a weekend they would not say yes or no until they knew whether anything would be happening with their friends. MIL once said they were the only ones in their social circle not to have any photos of DGC on their phones - but then didn’t bother taking any when they next saw them. They’re the same with the other DGC as well, also children of their son. I suspect that if they’d had a DD it might be different.
I make DH sort out their gifts and cards, have done for a good few years now.

TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 20/08/2021 07:17

You need to stop buying presents and cards! Pass that back to your DH, tell him it’s his responsibility, he has contact with them and they’re his parents. Let him sort it out.