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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws dont bother

61 replies

Proudmummy2018 · 20/08/2021 01:22

This has been an issue most of my childrens life. I have a 2 children 13 and 9 when my my first was born they bothered a bit which gradually got less when my 2nd came along hardly anything and there is no bond with them at all. They see them birthdays and christmas and they dont come And see them any other time have never taken them to the park played with them etc. Then covid hit and they havent seen my children since February 2020 not a phone call video call nothing. I was asked to drive past their house before christmas to collect a present for the children and they didnt even come out to the car where my children were to say hello. There excuse through this 18 months is they are keeping themself to themself as theh dont want to catch covid my issue is that doesn’t stop them calling to say hello or video calling to see them. My eldest started secondary school in that time and they never even called him to wish him luck or to see how He got on!!!! And now after not seeing their grandchildren for 18 months with the excuse they didnt want to catch covid they have now gone on holiday on a cruise!!!! There has been issues with my husband in the past when I have said anything about them as always turn it around to be my fault in the past, so during the covid ive said nothing to him but im so annoyed when he was saying all cheerfully oh my mum and dad have gone on a cruise thats lovely and I could feel myself getting more annoyed inside thinking all the other grandparents I know where so desperate to see their grandkids during the hard time and they really dont care there first thought was to go away not see
My children. Ive still not said anything to my husband as I really dont think hes bothered by it. They speak to him on the phone but they always call when hes working and never when hes home sorry for the rant!!!!!

OP posts:

Onlinedilema · 20/08/2021 07:19

As frustrating as it is you can't alter your in laws.
Fact is they probably had their own children because it was the done thing.
Same as many, many people do.
Don't buy their birthday presents or cards did them.

MoreAloneTime · 20/08/2021 07:20

Even if they were devoted grandparents your DH is perfectly capable of buying them cards and presents. You've got to stop doing this. I won't do it and there were a few times when someone didn't get a card and when asked I just told them that my DH hadn't bothered to do it. Always put it back on them.

All you can really do is focus and prioritize those that do have a positive relationship with your children. Make the most of what you do have because you can't change your ILs.

BooomShakeTheRoom · 20/08/2021 07:24

Sounds like my in-laws. Except they don't even acknowledge my children's bdays or offer gifts for Xmas any more. They only call when they want something.

No skin off my back. I grew up without any extended family and didn't miss them. The in laws are missing out but so be it.

Sadiecow · 20/08/2021 07:26

@blindspots

You're definitely not the only one.

My in-laws don't seem bothered about our children despite the fact that their two year old grandson died of cancer.

They seem to feel they spent time with us when he was ill (for two or so months) so now they don't need to to bother with our other children.

My MiL even said to my DH (her own son) "You're not the only one it's happened to".

Well it didn't happen to you Dear MiL so you have absolutely no idea what we are going through.

DH is baffled by it as we had a close and good relationship with them previously.

Yes SiL lives a lot closer and has the other grandchildren so BINGO I guess

Brefugee · 20/08/2021 07:31

It sounds annoying but tbh it wouldn't bother me so much. It has been the way since your children were small so they're used to it and they're meeting your DH's expectations. You can't change it so accept it and move on.

What you can change is this:
No Its always left to Me to get presents cards etc

It won't be easy but say no to this. "No you don't have time" is a good one to start with or "No i don't know what to get". Moving on to "no i don't want to" and finally "no."

GoWalkabout · 20/08/2021 07:32

Don't give it any more thought and don't hurt too much, it's their loss. Just give him good warning 'when Christmas and birthdays come I'm going to buy for my side and you can buy for yours from now on, that's a fairer split.'

EnjoyingTheSilence · 20/08/2021 08:07

My bio father has shown no interest in my children (or me to be fair!) A few years ago I told him exactly what I thought of him and felt so much better.

He’s still not bothered to get in touch but I no longer let it get to me. His loss, no mine or my dc

Heliachi · 20/08/2021 08:16

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LookItsMeAgain · 20/08/2021 08:30

Stop being the one who has to buy presents and/or cards for the inlaws. That is now the responsibility of your DH. If he wants to get his mum or dad a present, he does. Not you. Not the kids.

It's not normal and you shouldn't have to pretend that it is.

girlmom21 · 20/08/2021 08:38

My mother doesn't bother at all.
She'll send a present at Xmas or birthdays but will get them delivered to my house.
Never receive a card for DD even though DB's girlfriends etc receive hand delivered gifts and cards.

It came to a head recently and I've cut contact. I spent way too long in my childhood wondering why she treated me differently to everyone else.
I'm not prepared to let DD grow up wondering the same.

Luckily DF, SM and the in laws are all wonderful grandparents so it's no great loss

Helendee · 20/08/2021 08:55

I totally adore my six grandchildren every bit as much as my own four and we see them whenever it’s convenient for our children and I wouldn’t have it any other way but I do think expectations from grandparents are very high now.
My parents were older when they had my sister and myself so our grandparents were already quite old when we arrived but they had very little input into our lives. We visited and they came to tea quite frequently and they gave us money for birthdays and Christmas but that was it really.
Many people now seem to want their parents to also be co-parents. All I can say is that for many people energy levels drop considerably through middle age, not everyone I know.
OP, your in-laws sound awful and I would just let them get in with it to be honest. It’s their loss at the end of the day.

Heliachi · 20/08/2021 09:39

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Feather9 · 20/08/2021 09:56

I totally understand how you feel it’s not nice
I have been in the same position my children are adults now and have no relationship with there grandparents my in laws
But what I’m finding now as in-laws are old they expect hubby and I to drop everything to help them out ie hospital appointment and pick this up and that as fil no longer drives
That now causes arguments with hubby and I as
They never wanted to know us or have anything to do with there lovely grandchildren
I tried my best for years on in-laws birthdays would get children to sing happy birthday down phone then we would all pop round with there presents we would go see them once a week
Then I realised they had never ever rung on their grandchildren birthdays never visited our house
Just not bothered at all on birthdays they would just do a card and it would stay at their house until we went round to pick it up
So I stopped going round stopped getting children to ring up on bdays etc hubby could go see them when ever he liked
What a shame because if they had a relationship with their grandchildren now they are old they would of had lots of help and visits

Goldbar · 20/08/2021 09:58

Not everyone is deeply interested in their grandchildren nor are they obliged to be. I think you are wasting a lot of mental energy over nothing. These people have raised their children and have other ways to spend time, energy and money now.

All true, but it doesn't change the fact that they're lousy grandparents.

Yes, the OP shouldn't have any expectations but it's ok for her to feel a bit sad that her DC ended up with the crap grandparents (on one side at least) when so many grandparents are involved and loving.

People are entitled to be uninterested in their grandchildren if they please but they shouldn't then expect to be feted as 'best grandma/grandad ever'. As for most things in life, you get out what you put in.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/08/2021 10:04

I hate the “no obligation” rubbish- yes you can treat family like dirt it’s not a crime, but I couldn’t give two shits which home they get put into.

MegaClutterSlut · 20/08/2021 10:04

Yanbu its even worse when they were a huge part of our lives and then they stop bothering. Mil practically lives round sils and any time she does ring the dc, all she goes on about is what she's done with her other grand child. Its really starting to get dh and dcs. Anytime we do invite her over she has to check if sil has any plans with her before hand. Its really shit but I think dh is on the verge of having it out with her which he should've done a long time ago imo

Original poster

Proudmummy2018 · 20/08/2021 10:22

I dont expect to much from them would rather they didnt bother with presents and gave them a little time instead just wanted my Kids to be treated the same as the other grandkids and for them to call or video call ever so often. If they were like this with all there grandkids I wouldnt have had an issue but its just mine!!!!!

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 20/08/2021 10:27

YABU not to accept the relationship for what it is. Your kids wont care, they dont have strong bonds with these people. Just leave it to your dh to maintain a low level relationship with them.

FlorenceNightshade · 20/08/2021 10:28

@Proudmummy2018 this is why I stopped taking my children to see them. The favouritism was and is so obvious that I just wouldn’t expose them to it. Now we go when invited and speak when spoken to but I won’t instigate any contact. My DH will occasionally feel guilty and once every month or so go visit and he asks our kids to go but 9/10times they say no.
We’re not expecting co-parents or constant phone calls but I don’t think a phone call and card/gift on a birthday is unrealistic from “caring” grandparents.
There have been similar threads about this and the point of view from the “favoured cousins” and the ignored gc as they get older is very interesting too.
My advice is keep your DC around people who love and care about them and if that means DH visits his family alone so be it

billy1966 · 20/08/2021 10:31

Your husband sounds like an arse.

Why are you buying presents for them?

Are you bullied by your husband?

You don't sound happy, that's for sure.

I certainly wouldn't be buying presents for people who had zero interest in my children.

Not your job, so why do you feel forced to do it?

TulipsTwoLips · 20/08/2021 10:33

People are just different. All this "devotion" and "living for" you talk of would be WAY too much for me.

I guess they are closer to the other grandkids as at some point that was just easier? Maybe your family take over? Not saying that they do, just that there are many ways of seeing a situation. In the end all you can do is accept it.

asadlittleflower · 20/08/2021 10:44

@Proudmummy2018, If you look at the frequent juxtaposition of the words In laws and boundaries on MN, you might realise that a lot of in laws are scared of offending DILS. There is an unwritten rule on MN that the DILS parents are always more important and many posters (not all) feel that PILS are second class grandparents. I think this attitude stops some PIL grandparents wanting to have a relationship with grandchildren, particularly if the DIL is the Gate Keeper to the children.
It may be that your husbands parents feel like nuisances and on the periphery of your family life compared to the wonderful relationship that you have with your parents.
TBH you don't sound that you like them at all. If you were to be warmer towards them things might improve.
I knew a couple in a similar position to yours. The DIL kept her PIL at arms length but was very put out when her PIL developed a close relationship to their (PILS) niece and her family. They even moved closer to live near her.They felt welcomed into her family and not occasionally tolerated as they did with their son's family.
It is not always one sided

Whyo · 20/08/2021 11:06

Some people don’t bothered about kids that aren’t their own, and yes that includes relatives. I know it’s easier said than done but given it’s always been this way you need to let it go - and absolutely stop all the efforts you’re making that won’t be helping your annoyance, your husband can pick it up from now on.

phishy · 20/08/2021 11:10

@Proudmummy2018

No Its always left to Me to get presents cards etc last week he text me to get a present for his dad for his birthday and I had taken kids out for the day so text back and said u will have to stop at the shops after work and get somethings as we are out

Well done for pushing back and saying no! Let DH remember and sort their birthdays himself.

And next time PIL text you to say come collect present, just reply saying telling them to speak to their son.

Disengage!

LittleOwl153 · 20/08/2021 11:13

You have to forget them OP. Let you DH deal with them as he wishes. Let him arrange visits if he wants, or not. Your DC don't know them anyway so why try and force something which is obviously causing you pain.

You didn't sort his fathers birthday present - let that continue. You don't know his parents therefore you cannot send presents. It is not "your job" to do this. It is his as their Son. You don't need to make a big deal out of it if that is going to cause problems. Just let him get on with it. If he says they want to vist - then say ok - let me know what you have arranged. Don't get involved. Mute his parents on your phone if they contact you directly making demands and ignore.

Don't give them headspace. That is what is hurting you the most.

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