Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

In laws dont bother

61 replies

Proudmummy2018 · 20/08/2021 01:22

This has been an issue most of my childrens life. I have a 2 children 13 and 9 when my my first was born they bothered a bit which gradually got less when my 2nd came along hardly anything and there is no bond with them at all. They see them birthdays and christmas and they dont come And see them any other time have never taken them to the park played with them etc. Then covid hit and they havent seen my children since February 2020 not a phone call video call nothing. I was asked to drive past their house before christmas to collect a present for the children and they didnt even come out to the car where my children were to say hello. There excuse through this 18 months is they are keeping themself to themself as theh dont want to catch covid my issue is that doesn’t stop them calling to say hello or video calling to see them. My eldest started secondary school in that time and they never even called him to wish him luck or to see how He got on!!!! And now after not seeing their grandchildren for 18 months with the excuse they didnt want to catch covid they have now gone on holiday on a cruise!!!! There has been issues with my husband in the past when I have said anything about them as always turn it around to be my fault in the past, so during the covid ive said nothing to him but im so annoyed when he was saying all cheerfully oh my mum and dad have gone on a cruise thats lovely and I could feel myself getting more annoyed inside thinking all the other grandparents I know where so desperate to see their grandkids during the hard time and they really dont care there first thought was to go away not see
My children. Ive still not said anything to my husband as I really dont think hes bothered by it. They speak to him on the phone but they always call when hes working and never when hes home sorry for the rant!!!!!

OP posts:

BogRollBOGOF · 20/08/2021 12:05

Let him look after his relationship with his parents.

It is disappointing when grandparents don't seem to care for any relationship with their grandchildren, and I'm certainly not asking for co-parenting which was never going to happen with distance/ age. Asking how the DCs are and inviting them round for the first time since Christmas 2019 would be a nice touch. It does sting a bit when it feels like everyone else has got some decent grandparent relationship going on and takes it for granted.

EvilPea · 20/08/2021 12:27

It’s the same in this house.
Both mine and dhs family are too busy with the other grand kids. So ours get forgotten.
I was so so close to mine it’s really sad. The only way I can quantify it is looking at it as we don’t ask for anything the others are all more “needy” so we get left to the bottom. We do need help etc, but know they are run ragged or are too busy with the others and have been told no before. So we plod on, we are a tight little unit as a result.

DH is sad about it too, we’ve briefly talked, but not too much. He sees it and has withdrawn from them a bit as a consequence, I think in your shoes if feel a little betrayed. But it’s not a healthy way to look at it either.

Peanutsandchilli · 20/08/2021 12:40

My in-laws are like this. They send a card for my children's birthdays and a bit of money for them at Christmas, but they've never met our youngest two and have met our 11 year old once, at our wedding (and even then, I'm not sure they spoke to her). They've never asked to see the kids either. My husband isn't bothered. They have other grandchildren (well, grandchild as their other son is married to a woman who has three kids by three dads) who they see regularly as they live around the corner from them.

Sad, but it's their loss.

Pottedpalm · 20/08/2021 12:49

Never mind, at least they won’t be ‘clawing’ the baby from your arms, buying too many presents/clothes, turning up unannounced, cleaning your house, wanting to mind your children or any of the other things that patents in law get a bad rap for on here.

Wheretoeattweenandteen · 20/08/2021 13:30

Op I think it's the pretence that they are amazing that would really rankle with me.

Being crap, nothing knew but to then have it rammed down your throat how amazing they are.. Wow.

Stop buying gifts.
Put the money away for them (stocks and shares isa).

Op... We can't expect everything's to be perfect.

Your parents seem to be forfilling the role to a high degree. What more can you ask.

Mine have pretty much no gp at all.

Just to have one would be amazing.

Forget them... Lower expectations right down... Ignore your dh.
Having said that... Inspite of how awful they are to me your dc at least they seem to be nice to their son! Dh dp make it crystal clear how little they likes him

Cuddlyrottweiler · 20/08/2021 13:37

That's really shit. But there's nothing you can do. I'd just start pretending to myself that they don't exist, just forget about them. Absolutely do not buy their presents or cards. Any time your husband asks just say "sorry don't have time, you'll have to do it."
Let him pretend to himself they're fantastic grandparents all he wants, just leave him to it and ignore it.
At least your kids have got some decent grandparents.

rothbury · 20/08/2021 13:43

To be honest OP if they are as horrid as you describe, I would be bloody grateful they don't want to be part of your life/DC lives.

Keep them at arms length, don't bother with cards, presents or messages.

Frankola · 20/08/2021 17:52

My PIL are like this and it infuriates everyone!

DH is one of 4. 3 boys and a girl.

Yep. You guessed it...PIL make no effort whatsoever with their sons kids.

Their daughters kids however, well, they provide childcare 3 times a week. A sleep over every weekend. You name it!

It's a real bone of contention between my DH and his brothers.

billy1966 · 20/08/2021 17:58

@Wheretoeattweenandteen

Really agree.

It's one thing them being disinterested, but it's another thing completely being gaslit by your husband that his parents are wonderful.

THAT would really piss me off.

WildfirePonie · 20/08/2021 19:23

Drop the rope.

They no longer exist in your mind so therefore you no longer think about them, drive past their house, talk to them or buy them presents and cards.

itscomplicatedlife · 16/01/2022 21:24

I'm so sorry OP I hear you and I undertand! It's heartbreaking and so sad! My in laws are the same, also lost my mum not long after my dd was born & dad doesn't bother either, I never expected things to be this way. Don't buy presents, let your partner sort that if he chooses they don't bother with you or your children I don't anymore they can sod off! But yes it's awful it breaks my heart most days I just still can't believe it

Flip

1 2 3