for feeling so anxious?! School holiday guilt!

[GenieMermaid]

Just wondering if I’m the only one suffering with mum guilt to the point where it seems to be really taking a toll on my mental health.

I’m a civil servant who works full time usually and was granted part year leave to have 5 weeks off over the summer with DS who is 5 - this is the first time I have had this much time with him on my own since maternity leave. I don’t drive and partner has only managed to get 1 day off work to be with us where we went for a big walk with our puppy and for food after.

I have planned a few things like soft play, getting the train into town for a meal and a wander, had his friend over to play one day, went out with our friends to the farm, but lots and lots of trips to the local park and home for playing with toys or watching a film and what DS would deem a ‘boring’ day. I don’t have much expendable income and feel weve never struggled financially as much as now and I’m pretty much putting anything I need to on a credit card until payday. I see other people going to the zoo and for breaks away and we just can’t do it right now.

DS has been really hard work in terms of not listening and completely ignoring me or arguing back over everything. He’s always like that to an extent but I guess it’s really ramped up not being in school and I’ve felt like I’ve spent every day being ignored and stressed and repeating myself over and over gradually losing more and more patience.

I had a panic attack yesterday morning and I just feel so drained and on the brink of tears with a stress headache and a tight chest. Was supposed to be going to my friends wedding tonight but I have said I can’t go and been completely honest about why. I don’t even have the energy to get ready for it.

I suffer with mild anxiety usually but it doesn’t normally affect me too much. Are summer holidays this stressful for anyone else? Feeling pretty shitty! There are work related and relationship related stresses too I suppose but they are very much not at the forefront of my mind atm.

School holidays are hell. I have spent half so far feeling guilty for not taking her on holiday and the other half feeling she doesn't deserve to go anywhere nice because she's a little shit a lot of the time.

Still, in the words of bon Jovi; whoaoooooo we're halfway there...

Honestly school holidays with that age of child when you’re not going away or anything are hell. I look back now and wonder why it was so hellish but it really was. I think like Janaih says, you want them to be happy and to do nice things for them but then they’re rude and ungrateful so you wonder why you bother. Teenagers are a lot easier.

I cant really relate as mine have always been with child minder, holiday clubs or this year home alone while I work but I have noticed on my local Facebook pages this year a lot of free/very low cost activities being put on at the beach, the parks, the local community centres. I dont know if its because we are a deprived area and seem to get a lot of things funded but maybe it would be worth you looking whats available for free/very cheap where you are. Even if you have to stay with him if he is engaged in an activity like rock painting or wind chime making or whatever he may be better behaved and you might feel less soley responsible for entertaining him.

I definitely feel guilty! I have been working throughout the holidays and sent my daughter (and our dog) to stay with my parents in Germany over the holidays. It's definitely no fun for her, as they are very strict on diet/exercise/learning during the holidays, but I don't have a choice. As I feel terribly guilty, I booked us a 4-night mini-break in a nice hotel in Germany, but that's the only holiday she is getting with me this summer.

As for daily activities, just take your son to anything that is free - farms, free museums, different parks/playgrounds. At 5, he isn't going to remember if you spend money on expensive zoos or a free (new) playground. I find spending time inside the house with a kid harder than outside.

School holidays are too, too long. And not being able to get a break from your kids is hellish. (I do love them, honestly)
Dont waste time with the guilt, it wont help anything. Just hang in there till bedtime

I’ve been with my 3 every year every day during school holidays with not even one day of childcare or help! They are 10 and 12 now so that’s a lot of holidays!
At age 5 the expectations are lower so trips to the park are fine! You can only do what you can afford and it doesn’t have to be expensive things either.
Pack a lunch and go exploring a local park or new walk.
I must say I would have really struggled though if I didn’t drive because it’s so so limiting.
If I was in your position I would be doing anything and everything to learn and get a small cheapish car

Do you have any local museums etc that are putting on events for children? Likewise church toddler groups tend not to cost too much but I’m not sure if they are running at the moment

Do you have just one DC? I definitely think it's harder with just one. Mine at least play together so now I just need to be there to make sure they don't do anything stupid, provide sustenance and ferry them around on days out.

I try to do as much that is free as possible for days out. Or set a budget for say £20-£50 activities. Rope in other kids as much as possible. Mine will play out on the front with other kids now. But most importantly, relax.

I got really upset last week when i realised we only had 2.5 weeks left and i felt like we'd done f all. However when i asked the kids they said they've had a lovely time. I think as mums we put way to much pressure on ourselves to complete with other families. Trips to the zoo are fun but kids would be just as happy going to to local park. My 6 year old dd just wants to stay at home and make slime.

You've done far more than I've done with my five year old.

I've had two days off with him as we are severely short staffed, and I've really bad PGP so I can't walk much anyway.

He's been in holiday club and with grandparents.

I'm hoping to fit in a beach day and Go Ape or something before the end of term.

OP - have you looked at the activities at your local library? ours has a Lego club and a Painting in the Garden session.

That’s an idea actually I make take him on the train next week and do some museums.
I’ve had lots of lessons but not passed my test or am I test ready! It’s something I need to do desperately! I’m finding it really is limiting my life in a big way these days.
I just have the one DS yes, and as lovely and affectionate as he is he is INTENSE. Asks a million questions a minute, doesn’t come up for air and always always has to be right . I feel guilty his mother has turned into such a crank! But he is back on the 1st and I am back at work. I guess I just wasn’t prepared for how absolutely burnt out I would be. And I need to be prepared for all the “did you have a nice time off, so jealous” comments when I do go back

I will look at the library to see if they do anything yes! I guess because I’m usually in work full time I am so out of touch with anything like this. I didn’t want to send him to summer camp when I’d been given time off work (unpaid) to look after him. Although I think I’m going to deffo utilise it more next year!

Firstly forget what other people are doing on Facebook etc my parents literally never took me to all these days out in the holidays or ever for that matter. We played out with our neighbors children or entertained ourselves and it did us no harm, in fact it was actually good for us. Its a bit harder with an only child and at 5 I don't suppose they can play out alone unless you live somewhere safe enough but lose the guilt about not spending a fortune or doing extravagant days/entertainment.

Kids need down days too.

I have two dc at the moment at home and I have done some days out but some days like today I gave them their I pads and stayed in bed till 10am. Then my sister came for a coffee so I sent them out in the garden. We had a takeaway for dinner and they have been fine.

Kids do act up more when out of the routine of school (i have an autistic child so know this reality) so go easy on them and on yourself. This is your holiday from work too so try take time to chill while your dc play.

Is was horrible with v small kids. I used to book them into holiday club for a bit, so I could work.

A rough routine would have been:
Get up silly o clock. Cbeebies until I felt human. Make lots of excuses not to engage with what would have been 5yr old and v v hard work 3 yr old.
Go for a walk to supermarket or whatever.
Home.. lunch. Cbeebies until I felt human.
Lego out or playdo. Baking if I felt particularly masochistic.

Clock watch until dh home, for adult company.

Alternatives: meet up with any of the mums I was still in touch with from baby group.
Friend from school round to play.
Visit mum/ brother/ aunty

I found it best to plan in small chunks. But I definitely planned it as though it were a job, but fun.

This year, kids are tweens, so pretty free range. I've done fuck all with them. I cannot compete with xbox.

I completely get how you feel it's really got to me today! I feel like we have hardly done anything over the holidays most of the time we have been at home in the garden playing with toys and other than that we have met up with friend's and been to the park. We don't really have the budget for anything as the car needs repairs ive had to save as much as I can as I'm not sure how much it will cost in the end. it's made me feel so guilty.

Sounds like you cant afford unpaid time off and as needs lots of stimulation. I'd try summer scheme next year.

ITS BLOOOOOODY TOUGH! It’s dragging like mad!!!! Every morning I email my youngests nursery to see if anyone is ill so a space is free for him!!! Then I’m annoyed no one is ill!

Normally, I would have booked DS in for one day a week at the summer club nearest us and then arranged to do other things round that.

This year has been such a shit for us financial wise, plus with the not knowing if the government is going to do a u turn at any point, we just couldn't do it, so it has just been me and him for the last 2 weeks and before that, it was the 3 of us (DP included in that) we have barely done anything and my mental health is on the floor anyway, so it hasn't been great.

But given what we have all gone through over the last 18 months, I would give yourself a break, the one thing that has probably saved us, is during the first lockdown I got pokemon go to give us something to do. As long as you are happy doing the main grunt work on it, its kept DS amused for hours, on a few days, I have packed us some sandwiches and drinks and we have gone for a massive wonder, think we were out for about 12 hours, found 2 new parks in our local (well not so local) area, walked miles so really tired him out and he had loads of fun finding these damn pokemon.

This is the least unreasonable post I have ever seem on here . Next year break it up a bit. Try for at least one activity you enjoy every week. I love the Science Museum so we always go there.

Do you have access to a garden? Cheap pop up 2 man tent and a bit of a camp out adventure? Most of the fun for this can be in the setting up and choosing a midnight snack etc making a flask of hot choc or just taking one out with you.
This depends on weather too I suppose but can be a fun activity quite cheap.
My DD’s loved any train trips so that’s a definite fun day you have already done. Can you get to the seaside for a day by train?
It’s hard work I would definitely be teaming up with another mum and little pal for a park/picnic afternoon if that’s doable.
Also that’s a lot of pressure on you alone I would be seeing if your partner can take over at the weekend so you can have some time to yourself it’s no wonder you feel a bit fraught.

Completely agree. I’ve worked a lot of it but on a day off with them tomorrow. I get to take them school shoe shopping - what fucking joy…

So much pressure these days, it’s unreal. When I was young my dad had two weeks off work and we had day trips- that was it! My mum was sahp, couldn’t drive and hated the heat. I read and amused myself, helped with housework and the gardening.
Everything these days is a competition, everything is expensive, it’s never ending! Me and DH have had a fair bit of annual leave, so she’s had one or both of us of the whole time. We’ve had three holidays, two BIG shopping expeditions, many very expensive day trips, play dates, on days off we have been to the park, ice cream, meals, games and I can honestly say my five year old has been an ungrateful, irate, downright naughty little bugger. I won’t be doing it again. We’ve got another holiday with my mum to absolutely dread then it’s back to school. My child has been spoiled rotten and it’s not a good thing and it will not be happening next year. Can’t win! I honestly don’t know what the answer is. I’m thinking play group or childcare next year, which my mum makes me feel very guilty about.

I am also CS on my PY you learn to love it! I would say that planning is key. Try to have a couple of bigger days out and a couple of quieter days each week.
I’ve got loads of museums and local attractions on Facebook to give me ideas. And I have coordinated with a mum from school to do some nice days out together with all of our kids. Do you have a friend or family member you can go out with?

Sounds like you cant afford unpaid time off and as needs lots of stimulation. I'd try summer scheme next year.

It is unpaid, but it’s pro-data, so I am still getting paid at the end of the month. I used to work a few hours less per week than full time. I now work the full time hours to make up for the shortfall each month from my new contract so we didn’t feel the pinch. If he’d have gone to summer camp it would’ve cost us over £300 all paid upfront. But next year I will look at other options!

Thanks for the support! I’m glad to hear it isn’t just me. And I know comparing from social media is never a good idea! I think I just can’t believe how little like myself I have been feeling! I crave structure and there isn’t much of it going on so it’s all gone to shit