for feeling so anxious?! School holiday guilt!

[GenieMermaid]

Just wondering if I’m the only one suffering with mum guilt to the point where it seems to be really taking a toll on my mental health.

I’m a civil servant who works full time usually and was granted part year leave to have 5 weeks off over the summer with DS who is 5 - this is the first time I have had this much time with him on my own since maternity leave. I don’t drive and partner has only managed to get 1 day off work to be with us where we went for a big walk with our puppy and for food after.

I have planned a few things like soft play, getting the train into town for a meal and a wander, had his friend over to play one day, went out with our friends to the farm, but lots and lots of trips to the local park and home for playing with toys or watching a film and what DS would deem a ‘boring’ day. I don’t have much expendable income and feel weve never struggled financially as much as now and I’m pretty much putting anything I need to on a credit card until payday. I see other people going to the zoo and for breaks away and we just can’t do it right now.

DS has been really hard work in terms of not listening and completely ignoring me or arguing back over everything. He’s always like that to an extent but I guess it’s really ramped up not being in school and I’ve felt like I’ve spent every day being ignored and stressed and repeating myself over and over gradually losing more and more patience.

I had a panic attack yesterday morning and I just feel so drained and on the brink of tears with a stress headache and a tight chest. Was supposed to be going to my friends wedding tonight but I have said I can’t go and been completely honest about why. I don’t even have the energy to get ready for it.

I suffer with mild anxiety usually but it doesn’t normally affect me too much. Are summer holidays this stressful for anyone else? Feeling pretty shitty! There are work related and relationship related stresses too I suppose but they are very much not at the forefront of my mind atm.

I currently have Covid so we can't even leave the house until Wednesday next week. 8yo DS (only child) is bored stiff. I hate the summer holidays anyway.

I feel the same, a single mum, my anxiety and depression levels have shot up because of how bloody full on it all, I just want the holidays to be over ! Just focusing on getting through each day at the moment

Look up your local Children's Centre- during school holidays they often do family days, suitable for school age and not just their usual pre schoolers. Have you been to local swimming pool? You have to book at ours, since covid, and take own water toys. It might not be a novelty if you don't drive, but I remember having a public transport day when my son was little. We planned a route including bus, metro, ferry, and watched planes taking off from outside airport. He loved it 😂

I have planned a few things like soft play, getting the train into town for a meal and a wander, had his friend over to play one day, went out with our friends to the farm, but lots and lots of trips to the local park and home for playing with toys or watching a film and what DS would deem a ‘boring’ day.

That all sounds great! It's not a competition. If you train your child to expect constant all-singing, all-dancing entertainment in the holidays, you will make a rod for your own back.

Everything these days is a competition, everything is expensive, it’s never ending! Me and DH have had a fair bit of annual leave, so she’s had one or both of us of the whole time. We’ve had three holidays, two BIG shopping expeditions, many very expensive day trips, play dates, on days off we have been to the park, ice cream, meals, games

That's crazy! Who's making you feel you have to do all this?!

verything these days is a competition, everything is expensive, it’s never ending! Me and DH have had a fair bit of annual leave, so she’s had one or both of us of the whole time. We’ve had three holidays, two BIG shopping expeditions, many very expensive day trips, play dates, on days off we have been to the park, ice cream, meals, games

It really isn't a competition, and it's only never ending when you choose it to be. You chose to spend massive amounts of money when you certainly didn't need to...is this a boast or a complaint? Either way it's very silly.

Sounds totally normal for the summer school holidays to me. I usually have a LOT of time off with my kids each holiday and yep, it is stressful, expensive and they have no concept of how much work or money it all is. Summer holidays are far, far too long.

I work term time only and the summer holidays are big to fill.

My Mum used to make me feel so guilty, she asks all the time "what have you done with them?" or "what are you doing today?". Then just say "mmm" when it was, playing in the garden or going to the park.

At some point I had a word with myself, children don't need entertaining the entire time and anyway my own childhood summer holidays were far from filled with days out and expensive activities!

Mine are older now but we went for a weeks camping by the coast which was lovely then it's been a couple of activities they enjoy, walks swimming and friends. I think that's fine!

I am a great believer in letting them get bored it's amazing how they come up with things to do. Reading, bike riding, games, time outside...they are all valid things to do.

(I work in education by the way and I also think the holidays are too long).

So much expectation now. When I was a child in the 90's my Mum just told us we could watch TV until 11am then find something to do.

We may have gone bowling or shopping once or twice, but nothing like it is now. I never would have dreamed of extra holidays and treats.

theres so much pressure on parents now to be the perfect ones when mine were on school holidays in the eighties my husband had two weeks holiday so we went caravan or camping holidays in the UK for that two weeks and the rest of the time they played with their friends (playdates didnt exist didnt have to schedule them) or they played in their bedroom (no tellies or computers) or the garden and if you asked my kids im sure they would say they had a decent childhood as every parent was the same round where we lived

Don’t feel guilty op. Personally my DD went to childcare in main summer hold as there was loads around. It was set up like school day - activity/snack/activity/lunch etc. Some children are happy with more structure.
He’s 5 anything is nice - park with picnic, baking together, getting bus. Agree museums are fab and often free. Your local council might have a what’s on guide too.
For zoo etc maybe you could ask for tickets or pass for his birthday or Xmas if family ask what to get rather than toys.

Local churches often have activities on too. Join every local Facebook group, check community notice boards etc. So much is word of mouth.
Maybe do a holiday scrap book of things you have done - print photos off or he can draw pictures.

Have you checked out things like your local Facebook community page to see whether there’s anything going on in your local area?

I do drive but DH takes our car to work so I rely on PT even though we live rurally so it’s pretty crap. I’m not on Facebook but set a fake account up to follow the community page and also another page which is purely for children’s activities in our district. I’ve subsequently found quite a few things for them to do and most have been free or at least very cheap. Today we got the train into the nearest city because they had various free activities to do with the Earth and plastic pollution, it was fun. We’ve done all sorts really and I’ve barely spent a penny, biggest cost has been bus/train fare I’d say.

Please don't feel guilty! You have done a lot with him (town, park, meal out, farm, seeing friends) and there is absolutely nothing wrong with days at home playing with toys etc.

We were very lucky that we did go away the first two weeks but since we got back, me and DS have done lots of walks to the local park and stuff at home. I teach so I am for the hols and despite being comfortable financially, I don't want to pay loads on days out everywhere and I don't have that much energy haha!

Some ideas we have done:

Cheap baking at home (using either those box kits you get for about a pound in the supermarket or cheap flour/eggs/butter to make buns).

Lego -we are part way through a minecraft set DS got for Christmas.

Playing with his friend -girl who lives down the road. She is here currently and they have spent the last half an hour trying to make a steering wheel out of an old container

I do think there is more pressure these days. I am only 34 but when I was a kid, we generally had a two week, UK caravan holiday and then we amused ourselves at home. It was totally fine.

Kids really do need some down time in the summer.

Oh and the library, museums and art galleries usually have things going on. I sign mine up to the summer reading challenge every year which they always enjoy.

Ultimately isn’t worth panicking over, you’re doing your best and your DC won’t be scarred for life by any of this- I promise!

Family Railcard if you’ve not got one is usually a good buy if you are going on a few trips.

Sounds like you’ve done far more than most parents in the summer holidays!

I think it’s good for kids to feel bored sometimes and have to play by themselves.

Make the summer too stimulating and enjoyable and they won’t look forward to going back to school and seeing classmates!

This year I cut my hours down so I’ve been off the 6 weeks with DD (almost 6 so going into year 1). Most days we stay home and she plays or reads while I get on with housework, she gets plenty of screen time and I play with her on and off. I do a bit of wfh.

We’ve been: to the park twice (once meeting up with a few classmates), hosted 1 play date, attended 1 party, been to 1 trampoline park, been to the beach once (but it rained so she wanted to go home). We’ve done gardening most days and chatted endlessly, I’ve set her up with crafts and games. DH took her to a BBQ hosted by friends which she enjoyed.

The rest of the time she seems happy pottering about at home and often declines days out or play dates!

Thought about a ‘bigger’ day out or mini break but with the crowds, soaring prices and covid still lurking it seems sensible to stay home as much as possible.

Don’t worry about SM, a few weeks back at an attraction we over heard a lady verbally battering DH&DC into a family pic.

Mum: I woke at the crack of dawn for this, we are getting a nice family pic.
DC/DH: bitching re cold, rain, Xbox.

DH: we better do it so we can get out of here, can you take a pic (to me who was openly grinning at this exchange).

There's loads of stuff to do around here but my 6yr old DD just wants to be home all the time playing together just me and her. I'd love to take her out to parks etc more but she is rarely interested. I've worked from home full time since covid and go a bit stir crazy being home all week and on weekends and days off. It is hard. And then I feel guilty for finding it a struggle.

It’s going to sound trite to tell you to ditch the guilt, but it just siphons off so much energy that you could otherwise use to do a little bit better, or just survive the hell that is holidays! As long as you’re feeding, clothing and letting your dc know they are loved, you are a great mother. The rest are optional extras.

Anyway making holiday memories is massively over rated. I’m guessing you haven’t yet experienced the warm glow of satisfaction that comes from reading your dc’s “what I did for the summer holidays essays”?

Just a sample of ours over the years….

“I dug a hole and saw red spiders”
After a cripplingly expensive foreign holiday with fun clubs, lots of novel experiences, visits to a massive bouncy castle, fireworks and festivals.

“I played on my iPad for a hundred hours and got a million minecoins”
After a month when we visited museums, art galleries, organised treasure hunts, went bouldering, found actual fossils

“We went to a massive Tesco and saw a dead rat in a park”
We had hiked up hills, and part of a mountain trail, visited megalithic sites, coastal boat tour, various museums, orienteering,

“We went on a boat and ate lots of pancakes”
We spent a week in Normandy exploring d-day beaches and practising our french.

I think a lot of your anxiety is your own doing. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. Remove yourself from Facebook. You don't drive so that limits some of the things you can do outside or means you need to use public transport. You can still take your son to parks, soft play, museums etc. Take a packed lunch with you as some places can be quite expensive for pretty basic food. There is also lots you can do at home, so painting colouring, lego, playing in the garden (if you have one), having a pj day, watch films or maybe allow your ds to entertain himself and chip in when you need to. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have two kids aged 5 and 4 and have not been able to take them out lots this summer holidays as I have been struggling. I don't feel guilty as we have done lots of fun things at home and at the weekends occasionally. I don't care what anyone else gets up to with their kids, I did the best with the time, resources and energy I had.

You are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself when you sound like you are actually doing a great job for your ds.

Very tough at that age and being realistic why would any child past toddler age want to spend weeks on end home with mum. By 4 or 5 they are used to and need company of other kids.

Rather than spend money on days out I would use the money for childcare or holiday club. Local to me there are always a couple of very low cost holiday clubs.. ie our local church one (it's not religious it's just not for profit ) is only 10/15 a day.

BTW. Forget making memories etc. I think just be realistic its tough and I found it got easier as they got older and either went off fir whole day play at friends or could go to holiday clubs and run around all day.

Sometimes with parenting it's honestly just true that it's a bit shit and it will get better one day ! It really doesn't meant you are doing it wrong

Thanks again everyone. You’ve all made me feel lots better and helped me to try and take some pressure off myself.

It’s been tough not just solely because I have struggled for plans but because of my sons bad behaviour and his ignoring me also, it’s all just come to a head and I’ve had a permanent stress headache!

But I’m feeling much more confident I’m doing the best I can atm and I will try and cherish the small things, there’s only 12 days left!

It’s only a competition if you participate! Hide everyone on social media if it makes you feel like this!!

To be blunt, no one cares what you do with your child over the summer. So do what makes you happiest or just whatever gets you through it.

I never post on social media these days, posting a picture of a nice family day out is often seen as showing off! I just avoid it all together.

Oh and 5 is a tough age. I bet he’s a lot easier next year!