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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying to my mum that it might be better if we stay in a hotel over christmas bec ause she is a heavy smoker

69 replies

helenhismadwife · 30/11/2007 15:16

We are supposed to be staying with her from boxing day for 5 days. I know its her right to smoke especially in her own home, but dh has recently spent a week in hospital with pneumonia and now has brochitis, dd's are very prone to getting stinking colds,coughs and chest infections and were loads worse last time we stayed with her.

Added to the fact that last month she was really ill while she was on holiday coughing up blood, I was sick with worry that she had lung cancer but 'luckily' it turned out to be just a very bad chest infection

I get on really well with my mum, we can talk about everything but as soon as the subject of her smoking is raised she gets all defensive, I cant seem to broach the subject without her getting upset and offended. I know she will be really upset and probably annoyed with me if I say anything but at the same time I just cant have the kids and dh being ill. Her house is not big enough to escape the smoke

Any suggestions appreciated, or if you think I am being unreasonable not sure wehre else to post this

OP posts:
NineUnlikelyTales · 30/11/2007 15:19

I don't think YABU. It is a good job my parents have given up smoking as there is no way I would allow my DS to stay at the home of a smoker. I would not allow him to be in the same room as someone smoking. He is 15m. I think that you have to consider your family's health before anyone else's feelings or right to smoke in their own home. Staying in a hotel is a good compromise.

HairyIrene · 30/11/2007 15:22

my mum is dedicated smoker too..
she decants to garden, cellar, opens kitchen door / closes dining door and has a fly moments
it sort of works...

would it worth suggesting your concerns, asking to try to wait til they go to bed and some day time fixes ..well ventilated of course!

my mum is okay ish..not very heavy heavy and dad doesnt so its okay..we are there five days too

HairyIrene · 30/11/2007 15:23

sounds like the coughing up blood should have given her a jolt anyhow..

lemonaid · 30/11/2007 15:23

You could stretch the truth and say something like "DH's specialist has fobidden him completely from being around cigarette smoke for the next three months. I'm trying to work out how we can still all spend Christmas together, as the DDs are so looking forward to seeing you, but so far all I can think of is staying in a hotel."

tori32 · 30/11/2007 15:24

YANBU. I smoke myself but always go outside and wear a jacket left at the door for that purpose to stop the smell coming into the house. For a visit for an afternoon not major, but 5 days is a long time.
If you can be honest then explain that this is a worry to you, that you don't want to tell her what to do in her house so it would be better for you to stay in a hotel. Say that it would be appreciated if she could smoke outside/ back door if bad weather to reduce smoke in the house.

Buda · 30/11/2007 15:27

I like lemonaid's suggestion. Put the blame on an imaginary doctor!

meglet · 30/11/2007 15:33

YANBU. I'd rather upset my mum than make my LO poorly.

crokky · 30/11/2007 15:39

lemonaid's suggestion is great.

YANBU, no way would I let my DS stay overnight in a smoky house.

Original poster
helenhismadwife · 30/11/2007 15:42

after being ill and coughing upi blood she said it had really scared her and she was going to give up smoking but she is back to smoking more than ever, she reacts very badly to the patches so she cant use them.

when the girls were little she sed to go outside but that has slipped as well

OP posts:
Original poster
helenhismadwife · 30/11/2007 15:43

her husband bless him doesnt smoke either and is prone to chest infections she is lovely and a great supportive mum its just this one thing I absolutely hate with a vengance

OP posts:
NAB3littlemonkeys · 30/11/2007 16:44

Can I suggest that she may get defensive because she would like to stop, but can't and is well aware of the damage she could be doing to all around her?

3 of my grandparents have died of cancer, 2 were smokers and one passively.

JackieNo · 30/11/2007 16:49

. YANBU - my mum smokes too, and she only has a small flat. TBH, I don't worry about the health aspects for us for that short time (though I can absolutely see why you would worry) it's the smell that gets to us - we went to stay for 3 days a few weeks ago, and the DCs slept in the spare bedroom, and we were on the sofa bed in the living room, which (being a flat with no garden) is where she does most of her smoking. Every breath, DH and I were thinking 'God I hate that smell' and stinking of smoke all the time. It's so difficult. Means that if we have to rent somewhere to stay, we can't go and visit her so often. Just can't afford it.

TellusMater · 30/11/2007 16:49

I would go with lemonaid's suggestion and see what she says.

My dad smokes, and I loathe it. There are such good reasons why he should give up - he's diabetic and has circulatory problems - and he's tried loads of times, but has now given up giving up IYSWIM.

BUT

He doesn't smoke in our house, never has, and would not smoke in his flat if the children were there. And neither does MIL.

33kjs · 30/11/2007 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swedes2Turnips1 · 30/11/2007 17:15

It is really upsetting the way smokers get all defensive and would rather compromise important relationships than give up smoking.

Mungarra · 30/11/2007 17:29

You are not being unreasonable. Even apart from the health implications, smokers' houses just stink. Even if they smoke outside, their clothes and breath still stink. Who wants to spend 5 days gagging?

You have every right to put your family's health before her right to smoke. It's not like you're not going to visit her at all, but you'll have the hotel to escape to.

My FIL is very lucky that he gave up smoking 20 years ago because it would definitely have limited his access to his grandchildren if he hadn't.

tribpot · 30/11/2007 17:34

I like lemonaid's suggestion too. Of course it's her choice to smoke but for the sake of your dh's health, and your kids' too, you need to minimise their exposure. You may even find this arrangement suits her better - fewer beds to make up, meals to provide, etc.

tribpot · 30/11/2007 17:36

I like lemonaid's suggestion too. Of course it's her choice to smoke but for the sake of your dh's health, and your kids' too, you need to minimise their exposure. You may even find this arrangement suits her better - fewer beds to make up, meals to provide, etc.

Original poster
helenhismadwife · 30/11/2007 18:40

thank you for all your support, as it happens dh does have to go for yet another xray and doctors appointment in about a week so I could easily say something like lemonaid suggested. Its such a sore and touchy subject with her

we could honestly do without the expense of a hotel we are travelling from France (where we live) up to the out laws in the lake district for christmas day and a few days before then down to my mums and my side of the family and then home, the bit Im looking forward to most at the moment is the trip home

My brother has stayed twice only once with my dn's because he hates smoking, his eldest dd was born with a heart condition that required surgery and although well she is prone to chest infections my mum still smoked round her (she is now 4) when they visited last year

OP posts:
naturalblonde · 01/12/2007 13:35

I honestly don't see the point of paying for a hotel. Surely even if you sleep at a hotel you'll still be at your mums most of the day, in which case you'll be exposed to the smoke anyway.

Or just go with lemonaid's suggestion and hope that she doesn't smoke in the house at least.

rookiemater · 01/12/2007 15:05

Naturalblonde, either you are a smoker or you have never experienced the true horror of spending 24 hours a day in a stinky smoke riden house.

We stayed at BILs when I was pregnant and never ever again. Poor DH because he didn't want to upset his B, but it was hideous and hadn't been cleaned for years which magnifies the problem, plus being pg when I rushed to the loo to be sick his DB kept his cigar ashtray in the bathroom, plus they never opened the windows.

We were meant to stay 2 nights but in the end could only stay one as I woke up at 5.00am and sat in the car as I couldn't bear the smell. I put my foot down when DS was born and said there was no way he was getting exposed to that for long periods of time, plus twas a good excuse.

I like the doctor excuse, its a good way of everyone saving face, your mum will probably know the real reason but it saves getting into a discussion about it

inthegutter · 01/12/2007 15:07

YANBU. I wouldnt stay with a heavy smoker for 5 days , whether I had kids or not.

LuckySalem · 01/12/2007 15:08

I'm trying to work out how we're going to deal with this when our LO arrives. DP smokes 1 or 2 a day outside so he's not too bad. My parents smoke ALOT and so do his. We've already said we're not going to thiers with the LO until they either stop smoking or find a way of making it safe for LO.
I barely go down now cos i'm preg.

rookiemater · 01/12/2007 15:09

Just spotted what you said about the costs, that is a worry. Don't know whereabouts she is but may be worth looking for a cottage to rent instead, those that aren't already booked out for christmas sometimes start reducing their prices around now, try hoseasons, they are usually reasonable.

callmeovercautious · 01/12/2007 15:09

Mention casually if she would mind popping outside for the few days you are there. We just got back from our inlaws who Smoke. They not only smoked outside while we were there but had not smoked inside for 3 weeks before we arrived. I was shocked they were willing but DP mentioned it very casually and MIL jumped on the hint and said "oh of course we won't let DG stay in our Smikey house!".

Oh and YANBU at all