Saying to my mum that it might be better if we stay in a hotel over christmas bec ause she is a heavy smoker

[helenhismadwife]

We are supposed to be staying with her from boxing day for 5 days. I know its her right to smoke especially in her own home, but dh has recently spent a week in hospital with pneumonia and now has brochitis, dd's are very prone to getting stinking colds,coughs and chest infections and were loads worse last time we stayed with her.

Added to the fact that last month she was really ill while she was on holiday coughing up blood, I was sick with worry that she had lung cancer but 'luckily' it turned out to be just a very bad chest infection

I get on really well with my mum, we can talk about everything but as soon as the subject of her smoking is raised she gets all defensive, I cant seem to broach the subject without her getting upset and offended. I know she will be really upset and probably annoyed with me if I say anything but at the same time I just cant have the kids and dh being ill. Her house is not big enough to escape the smoke

Any suggestions appreciated, or if you think I am being unreasonable not sure wehre else to post this

You are not being unreasonable at all. I have had far less patience with my own parents in the past over smoking issues.

I think that the best policy is honesty. You clearly love your mum very much and you are trying to think of the best possible all round solution.

well why don't you just ask her to smoke outside for the week then? you menbtioned giving up below. I think asking her to smoke outside is a lot more reasonable than staying in a hotel..

...plus by "occasional exposure" I meant 5 days out of 365. it is occasional, and actually it won't really harm anyone.

yanbu no way

There is NO way I would stay in a smokers house for even a day with my DDs. I grew up in a house where my Dad smoked upwards of 60 a day my Mum about 30 my lungs must be in great shape. I used to beg them to give up especially when I learnt at school about how bad it is for you and that it could kill them, I never understood why they did something that could kill them. And I was fed up with "this is my house my rules" thing they had going on. So now when they come to visit us they smoke outside, when we visit them they smoke outside.

MIL thinks we are mad and doesn't believe in passive smoking she makes this big song and dance about going outside but we don't care the health of our children is more important to us.

Senora its HER home how is it more reasonable for me to say smoke outside please. In this case the smoke IS harmful to my husband he stayed one night and was being physically sick from the effect of the smoke,he has recently come out of hospital after spending a week there most of the time on an iv drip he was that ill, he has at the moment got bronchitis. my daughters are prone to colds so being in a room that is not huge with someone chain smoking will be detrimental to their health.

And I mentioned giving up, in the context of she has given up in the past for 15 months and that I hoped she would give up, I wont ask her to give up she needs to do that herself.

Senora I think you have inferred from my comments on oldies giving up smoking that somehow Helen is wanting her mother to do that. Let me clarify now that the mother giving up is a side issue and Helen respects the fact that she can't make decisions like whether or where to smoke for her mother.

She has every right, and some would say a duty to make decisions about exposing her own family to second hand smoke which causes both short term and long term harm.

YANBU.

Even without the health issues of your DP and DC this would be a major issue for me, and I quite frankly could not stay for any length of time there. I hate smoking and hate the smell of it all, and that's before you even get on with the health aspects of breathing it in. And the smell does stay - you can smell stale smoke in a smoker's house for ages and ages afterwards. For a non smoker this can be a really horrid experience.

I would have to be straight with her about it. Say that because of DP's illness he cannot be around someone smoking. You'd love to stay with her but the smoke is an issue, so you will have to stay at a nearby hotel, that you are sorry but think it is the best option. This then leaves your mum the chance to offer an alternative.

Sometimes you have to just be straight about thinks. Get it done sooner rather than later too, so any upset is over with well out of the way of Christmas and your actual visit.

My nana used to be a big smoker until fairly recently, and she knew we wouldn't allow DD to be around her when smoking. Yes, it wasn't exactly pleasant to deal with at the time initially, but it was over with fairly quickly and easily. She actually had a health scare not long after and had to give up smoking as a result. She managed to give up so easily once she was determined - no aids or anything, just will power and determination.

SenoraPostrophe - how can you say that occassional exposure isn't harmful?

If I ever had to sit in a smoky pub I would feel ill almost immediatley (asthma etc) which would them often lead to a chest infection. The OP had already stated that her husband has been very poorly recently.

I'm surprised tbh that the OP's mum hasn't broached the subject herself, knowing how ill her DH has been.

give her the option - say you'd rather she smoke outside or you'll stay in a hotel.

Or could sh e just smoke in her bedroom out the window?

Very often smokers will quite happily do this sort of thing as they know they have a disgusting habit.

I still think that staying in a hotel is more offensive than asking her to smoke outside. she will understand, I think. You should at least give her the option: "well, I don't feel I can ask you to smoke outside so..." - I bet you she says she'll smoke outside.

polly - one smoker is not the same as a pub, even if she does chain smoke.

Senora - depends on size of the room and the pub. One person can make an awful lot of smoke in a confined space.

tricky moral dileema, you love mum and want children to see her, but understandably dont want to risk CI or pneumonia complication/exacerbations

But it is her House, so bit of gentle tactful negotiation

would your mum agree to smoking in garden/outside/or one designated room only

can you negotiate other time at neutral venues eh shopping, restaurants, other family so she can still have a wee puff outside without feeling she cant in her own home

you all stay in an apart-hotel, cheaper than hotel but more homely and have her over

fwiw my mum smoked like a lum, and no well meaning advice stopped her - no siree

i do hope you resole this because you love your mum, and i hope she keeps better health - get her to se gp Re: Coughing up blood

oh i genuinely dont know if i have suggested anthing bew, this is not starighforeward

well mum is away at the moment so I have a bit of time and I will have a think of a nice way of putting it, thank you for your suggestions and support and not making me feel a complete cow

oh helen you have a smashing mum who smokes like a lum, knows her own mind and has nerves o steel. do i recognize those qualities - aye do no one tells a Scottish mammy what to dodon't feel berated - this is tricky stuff. you are torn trying to do right by them all

helen you might be interested to hear about the time my brother and his gf came round to our house around Christmastime, and as he was feeling unwell, I felt a bit bad about letting them go outside to smoke. Should I have asked them to come back in from the cold and smoke in the house? I didn't, because I was pg at the time; i knew the smoke would make me nauseous and not do the growing baby any good. Turned out my brother was having a minor heart attack. Didn't find out till the next day when he went to the dr, after the pain had stopped. He was 43 at the time and the revelation shook him so much that he has not smoked from that day to this (12 years). He was the youngest patient in the heart ward and he was terrified of becoming an invalid.

Perhaps if i had encouraged him to smoke in the house he would have had more than one, and the heart attack would have had worse effects.

OMG Elastic what a nightmare and one hell of a wake up call, Im ashamed to say I still havent broached the subject apart from saying dh has a doctors appointment she is away at the moment

i ama formerly heavy smoker. all my family, all my life, ahve been smokers.

since having the ds's i have had to explain to them all that i simply wont bring them to a house in which people are smoking. it was a bit uncomfortablke for me to do this at forst - and im still noit sure one or two of them think im being a bit precious, but everyoine accepts it, and no-one even thinks of smoking in the house when my ds's are about - even their own homes.

you dont want to hurt feelings or case a fuss, but at the end of the day, its carcinogenic isnt it? its your job to protect your dc.

actually I wouldn't stay there even if she did smoke outside. If she has been smoking inside up until the moment you arrive, it will REEK of secondhand smoke. I actually think that this is more revolting than actual smoke.

Regardless, I think you sound like a great mum who is really putting her kids first. Its bloody easy to always back down, tbh. Well done.