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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying to my mum that it might be better if we stay in a hotel over christmas bec ause she is a heavy smoker

69 replies

helenhismadwife · 30/11/2007 15:16

We are supposed to be staying with her from boxing day for 5 days. I know its her right to smoke especially in her own home, but dh has recently spent a week in hospital with pneumonia and now has brochitis, dd's are very prone to getting stinking colds,coughs and chest infections and were loads worse last time we stayed with her.

Added to the fact that last month she was really ill while she was on holiday coughing up blood, I was sick with worry that she had lung cancer but 'luckily' it turned out to be just a very bad chest infection

I get on really well with my mum, we can talk about everything but as soon as the subject of her smoking is raised she gets all defensive, I cant seem to broach the subject without her getting upset and offended. I know she will be really upset and probably annoyed with me if I say anything but at the same time I just cant have the kids and dh being ill. Her house is not big enough to escape the smoke

Any suggestions appreciated, or if you think I am being unreasonable not sure wehre else to post this

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GreebosWhiskers · 01/12/2007 15:15

Definitely YANBU. I smoked on & off for 10 years (never when pg or bfing) until I gave up nearly 8 years ago. ex-h & his dw both smoke heavily (she's 7 months gone too) & my eldest 2 dds live with them. The girls come over absolutely stinking & we have to send them straight up to wash & change. It upsets the girls & I've explained to them loads of times that it's not their fault etc but dh & I just can't bear the smell & don't want dd3 & ds having to smell it either.

The phantom doctor is a good suggestion - good luck with it.

Mommalove · 01/12/2007 15:22

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
helenhismadwife · 01/12/2007 15:54

Natural I knwo what you mean but we are going to be going out quite a bit during the day so it wont be so much of an issue its the evenings when she is sat relaxing that she chain smokes.

Callmeover there is no way I could casually suggest anything about the smoking outside without her really taking the hump, but I have to say and do something.

DH came back today from the uk he stayed one night with my mum as he had a meeting in Bristol and he is coughing really really badly again he siad it is a bit better now he was coughing so mch while he was there he was being sick

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fingerwoman · 01/12/2007 15:58

not unreasonable at all.
I would just tell her the truth. Say that with the illness etc etc that you just don't want them being exposed to it like that and that you're willing to go to a hotel instead so that you can still all enjoy your time together.
that may then prompt her to say "oh i'll smoke outside" or whatever

lizandlulu · 01/12/2007 16:31

i have this same problem whith my in laws. they both smoke. my dd doesnt stay there alot but when she does,they say they go out of the house to smoke. but when she comes home, she always stinks of smoke, and i just know that if they did go out of the house, she wouldnt smell so bad. iyswim. our relationship can be quite tense at times, and i have the problem of asking them not to smoke as close to her as they do.

MrsGokWan · 01/12/2007 16:34

If she didn't get on with the patches there is also the inhalators that are like cigerettes. Also she should be able to get support from her surgery and a prescription.We also have support groups. My husband went to his GP and in the end was given a tablet called Champanix but they only like to give that as a last attempt. It's worked great for him.

Perhaps you could talk to your Dad when you are there. Might be worth you having a look on the internet before you go to see what is available in the area.

But YANBU.

tribpot · 01/12/2007 16:52

helen - re: hotel costs, Travelodge are doing a splendid £19 a night deal if you book before 7 Dec (or poss 9th, whatever - soon). A bit more expensive in the run up but from 25th Dec on many are at 19 quid a night. Just thought this might help in the decision-making!

Original poster
helenhismadwife · 01/12/2007 19:03

I will mention the inhalators, she does get spport from the doctors which is great. She rang earlier and is so excited abot seeing dd's

I will have a look at the travelodge site and see how much it will cost

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mrsruffallo · 01/12/2007 19:22

Just a quick question on this topic-my df smokes and we are staying with him over xmas with dc sleeping in the spare room.
He used the spare room to smoke in for a couple of months whilst his house was being decorated.
He says he smoked out of the window and the matresses of the beds do not smell of smoke and nor does the room. Would you let dd 4yrs and ds 18m to sleep in these beds?
I know I sound over anxious- AIBU to worry?
(sorry for the hijack helanhismadwife-what do you think?)

Dropdeadfred · 01/12/2007 19:29

There is no way I would let my mum's feelings get in the way of my childrens (or my DP's) health.

She can get over the hump ...sounds like your DH can't stand another hour of smokey house let alone a few days!
Do him a favour and book a hotel, or tell her to come to you and say it's a non-smoking house.

clam · 01/12/2007 19:37

Well, I wouldn't let the fact that she gets defensive deter you from doing what you feel is best for your family. The bottom line is that smoking has become such a no-no in society, primarily because of the health implications, that she surely must have noticed. If she chooses to continue (for whatever reason)then that's up to her, but she has to take the consequences; namely that her family are not prepared to stay for long periods in her house and passively inhale the fumes. Or to go home afterwards with all their clothes and belongings smelling too. I've just had a PC tekkie, obviously a heavy smoker, in the house this afternoon, just for an hour, and the study stinks. I'm a teacher, and it's very clear which children come from smokey homes, because their homework folders reek when I take them in. Foul!

Waswondering · 01/12/2007 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NKF · 01/12/2007 19:39

Isn't five days a bit long anyway? Why not a hotel for a shorter time? Save on the cost. I think blaming the doctor is a pretty good idea too.

Original poster
helenhismadwife · 01/12/2007 19:43

MrsR I would probably have a good sniff of the room if you dont smoke you will be able to tell better if it smells without being rude to smokers their sense of smell is not as good.

DDF she never smokes in our house always goes outside, she was going to come and stay with us but my gran is quite ill and not expected to make next christmas so she feels she wants to be with her and I understand that.

Can I just say she is a brilliant mum and gran, Im worried I have made her sound bad she honestly isnt apart from her smoking, on every other front I could not ask for a better mum

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mrsruffallo · 01/12/2007 19:51

helenhismadwife-your loyalty is commendable and you haven't made her sound bad at all.
Some good people to smoke and for them it is a habit that they rely on.
She is probably defensive because she knows you and other people disapprove of her smoking.
It's life. Nobody's perfect and the fact that you are so concerned abour how you are portraying her shows that she is an excellent mother.

callmeovercautious · 01/12/2007 20:05

Then I honestly think you should ask her. Seriously, my in laws are hardened smokers in their 70s and they did it for us and we don't have the health problems your lovely family do. Be gentle and pre-curser it with a "I understand completely if you don't want to but.....". If she goes off on one be all "well ok then, I just thought I'd ask, no problem" then let her think on it for a while and see what happens.

AMerryScot · 01/12/2007 20:09

Others have probably already suggested this, but I would say that something along the lines of having your own space and giving them a break. TBH, even if there was not a smoking problem, this would be a major consideration for lots of families.

There's no point in upsetting people unless it's completely unavoidable.

Elasticwoman · 01/12/2007 20:30

My aunt gave up smoking when she was 70. It is possible. My dad gave up for 6 months before having an operation when he was 79; he took it up again afterwards, but smoked much less than before.

But you can't make the decision for her. All you can do is make your own decisions about where you stay and how much time you spend in her house.

In your position, I'd put the health of my dh and dc before her feelings, as it seems you are doing, and break your decision to her as gently as you can. You are right that it's her right to smoke in her own house; it's also your right and duty to protect the health of your family. It's not just the scientific research-based evidence that convinces me, but the fact that when I have been subjected to it myself it gives me a sore throat, sore eyes, cough and the smell lingers in my hair and clothes.

Original poster
helenhismadwife · 02/12/2007 17:41

thank you again for all your comments and suggestions;

space isnt really an issue she has 2 spare bedrooms and we stick youngest dd in the dining room to sleep.

she has given up loads of times the last time for 15 months, Im just hoping that she will try giving up again Elastic if your Aunt and dad can give it up Im really hopefull my mum can and will. She has been smoking since she was 17 and she is 60 now.

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Elasticwoman · 02/12/2007 20:52

Helen - my uncle decided to give up smoking when he set fire to his coat. It was when he set fire to his bed (he was a sailor) that he knew he really had to do it. Managed that time! He said that every time he wanted a cigarette he had an orange instead. H'mmm. If it was that easy, wouldn't every one do it?

SenoraPostrophe · 02/12/2007 20:54

habvu.

why does she have to give up? can she not just smoke outside? and anyway, actually occasional exposure to smoke is not all that bad you know.

shreksmissus · 02/12/2007 20:56

Message withdrawn

SenoraPostrophe · 02/12/2007 20:56

sorry, yabvu

Original poster
helenhismadwife · 02/12/2007 21:13

senora why am I being unreasonable in wanting to protect my two young daughters and my husband who is recovering from pneumonia from the harmful effects of passive smoking?

5 days of being exposed to someone chain smoking is not occassional exposure it is prolonged and unpleasant as are the blocked nose, sore eyes and throatthat are side effects of being stuck in a confined space with someone smoking.

she doesnt have to give up, if you had read the whole thread I have said I respect the fact that its her home and she has the right to smoke in it and I dont have the right to ask her to smoke outside but I do have the right to ensure my families health and well being

OP posts:
Original poster
helenhismadwife · 02/12/2007 21:15

I want to spend time with my mum, and to do that I am prepared to stop in a hotel so my family dont suffer and my mum gets to see us all, Im just trying to find a way of doing this without hurting my mum

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