Bragging - telling my close family and siblings of my successes considered bragging?

[tortoiselover100]

So generally if something good has happened in my life I share it with my parents and siblings, assuming they have my back and are happy for me.

Examples - I got a good job that paid well; I bought a nice house in a posh bit of town; my kid did well at school etc.

My sister and her husband have been off with me a few times and disloyal at times, not inviting me to things the rest of the family are invited to.

Generally I am a higher achiever than my sister but I. So many ways she has done better then me, she has 2 properties, I only have one, she has had a long term marriage, I have struggled with relationships.

I found out this week from another family member that she thinks I'm always bragging.

I'm bit bragging, I'm telling me nearest and dearest my good news.

So AIBU to be honest about good things that happen to me? I always talk about the bad too, I certainly don't hide it.

Or AINBU because good things happening in my life make other people feel bad or inadequate.

I would love to hear your views!!!

Posted too soon it reminds me of a ex colleague who bought first house with girlfriend which I said was lovely . Then he started telling me how many bathrooms it had and asking me how many bathrooms I had . He had 3 I had 1 , then he started saying isn’t it usual to have at least 2 bathrooms. The thing is I know that he’s from a normal working class background with a 1 bathroom house , him and his girlfriend have saved and worked very hard to buy a lovely house and good luck to them but is there any need to be a dick about it , that’s bragging. I went right off him after that .

Tbh I sense a lot of competitiveness in your original post. You seem very interested in comparing who has done well/better at what. I don't think about my sister in this way and I would find it tiring if she did. Maybe that is the problem?

So your first thought wasn't "Have I said things in a braggy way?", but "Why does my sibling feel inadequate?"

This. It doesn't seem to have occurred to you to properly examine if there is a solid reason you may appear to be bragging, even without meaning to. You went to straight to "she feels inadequate". Perhaps she doesn't feel that at all, she genuinely feels that you are bragging?

It sounds as though you have jumped out of the box that your family has put you in, OP.

You know, if you didn't tell her things about your life, she'd be massively pissed off about that, too.

I never really talk about stuff like getting a new house or job etc as news as such, if it comes up in conversation then yes but announcing it alongside descriptions of worth etc does strike me as braggy but it wouldn’t really bother me. I have friends who do it and I guess they’re just proud but it makes me cringe inwardly a bit.

A few things jump out at me, OP...

I got a good job that paid well

I bought a nice house in a posh bit of town

Generally I am a higher achiever than my sister

1. There seems to be unnecessary sharing of the financial value of things. If someone I love gets a good job, I'm happy because it's career progression or a role they'll love or an industry they care about - it wouldn't occur to me to ask about the salary and none have ever volunteered their salary like "Oh wow I just got a 50k a year job!". Same with the 'in a nice area' - it's the implication that therefore it's more expensive ergo better, rather than 'a house that suits you/has the garden you've always dreamed of' etc.

Which leads me to...

1. It's odd to describe yourself as the higher achiever in one breath, then say she has more houses than you in the next. It seems as though you're assuming there's a competition between you, and that winning is via being financially better off? The better job, the more houses, the nicer area... Now I know some families are like that generally, and maybe yours is, but it seems as though either your sister doesn't want to play money top trumps with you, and therefore is starting to find you sharing these things a bit distasteful, OR, she also feels competitive about these things and your 'winning' is annoying her. Which isn't especially healthy.

To me it sounds as though the family dynamic has pitted you two as competing forever - or perhaps you created that dynamic, or you both did together. And now it's not working for you all, because she is either sick of it or feels lesser. And you are viewing her as the lower achiever and then wondering why she thinks you're being boastful.

By all means, share stuff - but try not to link successes to the financial value of them. Obviously this doesn't apply to e.g. your child's school success, but I v much feel that's been collateral damage amid the other, wealth-based, topics and she now feels what you're saying is all about proving how much better you are.

For example "Oh I'm so excited, I got a role I really wanted doing X!" vs. "I got that job I applied for, £20k payrise, nice one". One is celebrating the achievement (getting the job) and one is celebrating the financial value. Or "We got that house in X Town, I'm so pleased, it's just what we wanted, garden space/a spare room etc" vs. "We got that house in X Town, so glad we're moving to a posher area" (with the implication that other areas are inferior and, unless the person you're talking to lives in an equally 'posh' area, that you are moving up in the world and they're not).

My immediate family (mum and sisters) brag happily to each other and revel in each other's achievements. Outside of them I'm the least braggy person there is - to the point of chronic self-depreciation - but with close family it's different. I do reign it in if I know it's a sensitive issue though. For example my eldest is really bright and does really well at school/gets picked for everything and anything by teachers etc. I downplay or leave out some of her achievements as her cousin of the same age has some mild additional needs and I know my sister compares them a lot and it worries her. I think if you're being tactful too their situation and not rubbing a sensitive issue in their faces then they should be happy for you.

I’d share your achievements when they happen but not how much. So, I got a bee job at X place I’m excited, just moved house can’t wait to get it how I want.

Don’t mention money or poshness or anything that can be seen as braggy that way you can share your excitement still without being that person.

Your sister may come around or as said maybe your just not meant to be more than polite conversation when you happen to be in the same place.

Me and my brother are polite or jokey when we meet up but tbh apart from my wedding or a funeral I can’t say I’d go out of my way to invite him to say a dinner.

Our lives are very very different, I’m the family one with children running a company, his the richer single one whilst maintaining a important job that pays well unexpectedly to most people and rather active in the online gaming community earning money from that too.

It sounds as though you have jumped out of the box that your family has put you in, OP. You know, if you didn't tell her things about your life, she'd be massively pissed off about that, too.

Could be that too, I've seen that in reality and it's not pleasant. Sometimes families will try to bring you down as they feel threatened by you "breaking ranks" so to speak.

@YellowDingy2

Erm, I imagine it's probably more complex than you're thinking.

There's sharing good news and then there's talking about yourself all the time. There's sharing some good news once and then there's always bringing it up.

There's also a case of consideration, as in if your family member is knowingly struggling with money and you reply by talking about a promotion you've gotten, then that's pretty inconsiderate.

Do you think you fall into the latter of some of these things?

That's what I was thinking.

YANBU.

I think there can be an element of nuanced & tact involved. My sister is having a touch time, I am about to have a big extension on my house I am very excited about. When we meet for lunch, I won't mention the extension & plans unless things are looking up for her. Sometimes you have to pick your timing.

@ThreeLocusts

Tbh I sense a lot of competitiveness in your original post. You seem very interested in comparing who has done well/better at what. I don't think about my sister in this way and I would find it tiring if she did. Maybe that is the problem?

^this!

How do you even know about who’s paid off their mortgage, lots of comparisons in terms of material things etc.

It feels like your family have been brought up to share certain things and talk about certain things E.g. houses/jobs etc. And that you’re seen as “good” because you’ve got a good job etc

My DH’s family are a bit like this. The siblings get pats on the back for certain things and less so for others.

And by “good job” I mean a well paid one. My in laws would praise someone more for getting a £100k a year job than someone who got a £40k a year job, even if that job was better for their mental health etc

It does sound as though you're comparing yourself with them a lot. I don't know how much my siblings (or anyone else for that matter) have left on their mortgages and I don't care! I have never even thought about it. I also don't have any thoughts about salaries, house size or how successful they are with their relationships.

And same for everyone else really. I just do what makes me happy and look after my family.

OP I think there is some misunderstanding of you going on. You're telling us what your sister has not because you are in competition with her but because it is evidence that she is not living in abject poverty when you say "my offer on that house I want was accepted!". I have a sister like this. She is wealthier than me and a few years ago was much wealthier. She was forever sending pictures of her children doing things we couldn't afford for our kids to do and telling me about weekend trips which were 'only' £600. I never took offence as she was just telling me what she'd been up to. She consistently couldn't see that we couldn't afford the weekend trips that she was recommending ("you should go there for a weekend, it's fantastic!") despite me repeatedly saying we couldn't afford holidays. This was not bragging really. It was just a naivety about the reality of other people's financial situations. When we had our house valued and I shared it's value she was livid and insulting. Her house was worth about the same btw and my comment was a note about how bonkers the housing market was rather than a brag. She is very aggressive at times and was in this incident. I tell her nothing now about anything which costs money. E.g. we got a new bathroom this year. I won't mention it. We changed our car. I won't mention it. If we book a holiday, I won't mention it. I think it's the only way to cope with people who are actually pitting themselves in competition with you. Just say nothing about any of your successes, or things which cost money which make you happy. She will continue to judge you as the issue is actually hers, but at least you will know that there is no way you can be held responsible.

It depends on what you say. I’ve distanced myself from a friend because everytime we speak she’s going on about her brilliant life and all the weekend parties she’s going to and how she’s up to the early hours every Sunday because she’s having such a great time. My life is very boring and I don’t have those things and it starts to grate to be honest.

OP,
Sounds as if your sister and yourself aren't close.

Keep your good news to yourself and share privately with those family that you are cloest to.

Keep it away from the general gatherings.

Stick to "all is well" type of comments.

If you were the black sheep it may be that she is irritated by your success.

Ye do sound very competitive of each other.

Step away from any announcements and see how that goes.

Tell her nothing.

No doubt she will be complaining that she wasn't told next!

Beachdrifting- that says more about you than her that

Op, I would have it out with dsis but framed in a "let's clear the air, I am not bragging, you are more successful than me with 2 houses mortgages almost paid etc, I love you and am pleased for you, I only want to share my news and am not bragging, please don't take it that way, let's be friends and move on, we should be each others cheerleader in life rather than building resentment unnecessarily, life's too short' sort of a way.

"Tbh I was the black sheep as a kid, never did what I was told, my sister was 'easy'. Academically I was always in the top sets, got high marks but that didn't count for anything in our home."

I can relate a little bit, OP. Even though I have a loving family, I was always something of the "black sheep" (austism spectrum, queer, not interested in pursuing a normal small-town family life), so a lot of the perfectly innocuous things I do or say get seen through a filter of "oh, there she goes again, trying to be confrontational/show off". Often they don't mean to view or treat me differently on purpose, it's just become entrenched! Do you think this might be the case here too?

Unfortunately, this is Mumsnet where the slightest hint of wealth or success get you tarred and feathered as the town snob. I think you can safely ignore a lot of the more accusatory responses on this thread.

I tell my close family, because are close. I don't have a filter with them and it's reciprocal.

With my friends, I'm always mindful as to what they're going through. If one of them has just lost their job, I'm not going to tell them I've had a promotion!

If your sibling complains you're bragging and you don't actually go on on and on about things - I'd wager you're not as close as you thought, and you need to put the filter on.

Braggy and competitive:
"I just got my absolute dream job, it pays so well, I can't believe it. I can afford a big posh house now in that posh area of town that's worth £550000 pounds and I'll be able to pay the mortgage off in 15 years. Isn't that amazing? Don't you think that's really good?" Which is repeated on WhatsApp and anytime anyone asks how things are going.

Non braggy and competitive.
"I got the job I really wanted and completed on the house I wanted!!" said one in WhatsApp group and not mentioned again.

Don't mention money to anyone ever. A lot of people think discussing how much things cost and how much you get paid etc is a big vulger and unnecessary. No one needs to know you earn 200k, just that you're happy in your work. No one needs to hear your house is worth 500k, just that your happy there. People that highlight the cost of everything often know the value of nothing.

My DBs are super-competitive. Every conversation turned into a pissing contest, so I just shut up. No mention of anything personal, I just sat back and listened to them go on and on about their wonderful talented kids, new house, great car etc. Not once did they ask about me or my life, I often wondered how they felt afterwards; did they not think the imbalance was odd. Anyway, after a few years of this, as well as some other incidents, I just stopped bothering to make contact. It just made me feel sad.

So apparently I think I'm 'too good' for them now. Can't win, talk and you're a boaster or stay quiet and you're stuck up.

It totally depends how you worded it. If you worded it to them the same as you did on here I can understand why they’d be annoyed. Telling them you got a new job is fine but not if you ended it with ‘and it’s sooo much better paid, I’ll earn x amount now’. Likewise with the house, it’s sufficient to just tell them the sale was finalised on the house on x street. I hope you didn’t end it with ‘I finally live in a posh area!’ Or anything weird.

Academically I was always in the top sets, got high marks but that didn't count for anything in our home.

This stuck out for me. Why didn't it count for anything? Did your parents not really value academic achievement? If so, I can see why that rankles with you and maybe that's part of why you now feel the need to make the point that you are doing well.

I agree with countrytown, I have no idea whether my siblings are mortgage-free or still have large debts. Nor do I understand what 'high achiever' means in career terms – are you chief executive of a FTSE100 company, or do you just mean you are well paid? It would never occur to me to relate to siblings in this way.

That doesn't mean you are bragging, but it might indicate a degree of competitiveness is present.