To think if you send someone a message (at 3 a.m!) starting with the words “risking your anger here but…” you can’t then get all hurt and defensive when what you say makes the other person angry?

[AngeloMysterioso]

AIBU?

Going to need more info on this

Need more info.

However, if they knew they were risking your anger, they probably should not be blindsided if they get it.

Go on...

Depends on the content of the message

"Risking your anger here since I know the big project deadline is this week but we've just found out we've got covid so I can't come to work this week" - I would expect the person to be upset but not take their anger out on me for something out of my control

"Risking your anger here as the wedding is tomorrow but I don't want to wear the bridesmaid dress we have had picked out for the last 6 months because I have never liked it" - I would expect the person to be angry and tell me the truth about their feelings.

That's not how this works. You have to give information so posters can make a decision.

It was my mother, offering an unsolicited, negative opinion on an aspect of my parenting.

I think I’d ignore it completely

@AngeloMysterioso

It was my mother, offering an unsolicited, negative opinion on an aspect of my parenting.

Oh well perfect text for the thumbs up emoji then!

@AngeloMysterioso

It was my mother, offering an unsolicited, negative opinion on an aspect of my parenting.

At 3am? I would be fucking furious

By 9am I would be considering if she had a point
By 10am I would have asked my friends
By 11am I would be on mumsnet

@AngeloMysterioso

It was my mother, offering an unsolicited, negative opinion on an aspect of my parenting.

At 3 o'clock in the morning?!! What on earth are you doing - weaning your dc on cocaine?

No, she shouldn't be surprised you got angry.

@AngeloMysterioso

It was my mother, offering an unsolicited, negative opinion on an aspect of my parenting.

The sort of person who offers unsolicited, negative opinions on one's parenting are strikingly often the SAME sort of person who will become hurt and defensive when called out on their inappropriate behaviour.

I'd be telling her not to contact me again unless to apologise. I have used this line on my own mother (not about parenting advice).

Honestly my mom has pulled this crap telling people I'm "too strict" with my eldest my neighbour cried laughing she said I was the most laid back parent ever dd wasn't bad enough to EVEN BE PUNISHED 99% of the time and my mom was just being a bitch

I believed my neighbour

If I generally trusted the stuff she had previously said about my parenting I'd be doing a lot of soul-searching to see if maybe she had a point, and post on MN to see if she WBU

If she had form for being critical, passive aggressive or a narcissist, I'd be sending back a thumb's up or just the single word "thanks" and never mention it again, ever.

Why bother starting a thread if you’re not going to give any information or context?

@AngeloMysterioso

It was my mother, offering an unsolicited, negative opinion on an aspect of my parenting.

Still need to know more.

I'd say that by sending the text at such a late hour she's been worrying about it a lot. It would be kind to have a calm conversation with her abut why you do whatever it is that upsets her so much.

Are you in the habit of "chatting" with her by text in the middle of the night, or was this a completely random, out of the blue text ?

As everyone else says, there is definitely more context / backstory / call it what you will as no-one wakes up in the middle of the night and sends a text to someone to criticise them.

Depends on the 'advice'.

Is it to do with the safety of your child?

If I generally trusted the stuff she had previously said about my parenting I'd be doing a lot of soul-searching to see if maybe she had a point, and post on MN to see if she WBU

If she had form for being critical, passive aggressive or a narcissist, I'd be sending back a thumb's up or just the single word "thanks" and never mention it again, ever.

It’s very much the latter.

Unfortunately I didn’t ignore it.

It didn’t wake me up, my phone is never not on silent as my DM has form for texting at batshit hours of the night (it won’t have been keeping her awake or anything, she’s often awake at that time). But it was the first thing I read when I woke up.

My reply was “ I just love waking up in the morning to a message sent at 3 a.m. criticising my parenting. Thanks for that.”

Which according to her, was “nasty”.

It depends!
If she’s still thinking about it at 3am does she have a point?

I suspect my reply would be along the lines of "That wasn't a risk that was a dead certainty....mission achieved I am in fact angry". I can't imagine what would need to be texted at 3am? Barring serious family illness (and then you would think a phonecall was more relevant ) pretty much anything else can surely wait until the morning?

DM did this all Sunday and the first instance she then said I'd ruined her day. It was DS 9's and my joint birthday celebration.

Oh she can just fuck right off can't she!

She is often awake until early morning then sleeps til early-mid afternoon and thinks nothing of texting me in the middle of the night.