I don’t know how much you earn and you don’t know mine either

[Thirsday]

Is it strange that me and my partner don’t know what each other earns ? We don’t live together and I have no issue with sharing how much I earn but I don’t as he doesn’t want to share. I think it’s strange. I wonder how we can move on as a couple and buy a home together etc. We have been together for 4 years. What’s the general view on here, do most of you know your partners income and vice versa ?

I think this is quite strange.

DP and I know exactly what each other earn, probably down to the penny.

Presumably if you live together it will come up then?

How very bizarre. Is he a secret millionaire? If you can't share your earning data with someone you are sharing your life with then what can you share? He presumably shares his penis with you OP. He sounds like a nutter.

If you one day get a mortgage he'll have to 'put out', in an office, with a, shock horror, random bank manager in it!

I don’t think I want to move in together if he doesn’t trust me to know his earnings.

It's definitely strange after 4 years!

What is his reason for not wanting to share?

If you live together you should share that information because it is important when deciding the sort of place you live in and the share of the bills you'll pay. Really if you live together it should all go into a joint account.

If you live separately it's not really any of your business in the sense there's no need to share the information. There's nothing to stop you telling him what you earn even if he's not willing to tell you what he earns.

Then he says he wants us to have a baby. I’m not going down that road. He is not a millionaire. He’s not in debt as I’ve helped him to become more money smart ie clearing high rate credit cards. Using 0% deals etc

if you plan to live together you absolutely must know this information

He just says oh no need to know what each other earns. Makes me think he thinks I’m after his cash. Im not at all. Have my own money. No debts really other than mortgage own car and a nicely paid job. It’s odd

@Thirsday

I don’t think I want to move in together if he doesn’t trust me to know his earnings.

You are right not to do so. If he won't share info about his earnings you can't even begin to discuss buying a house.

Has he given a reason not to share this?

I would definitely not move in with someone or have a baby with someone who wanted to keep his earnings a secret.

Definitely do not have a baby or move in with him if he isn’t willing to share essential info like this!

If after 4 years he is not willing to share something as basic as salary information either he is hiding something or he does not see you as an equal partner to have an honest relationship with. Either way your relationship has no future. Definitely don't have a baby with him. Even if he begrudgingly agreed to share this info now, I'd say it is too late - he has already made his attitude to you and your relationship clear

There are two reasons he won't share: he's either embarrassed or will end up being financially abusive.

This is really odd. I assume he is worried he earns less than you do. Your relationship won't be able to progress as you won't be able to financially prepare for anything.

How in earth can you have a baby or live with someone if you don’t know what they earn? Surely that would have to be declared somewhere at somepoint anyway. But what about budgeting, maternity leave , childcare etc

Sod that. What's he got to hide?

DP and I knew our joint income very early on, however our wages are published as part of the public sector, so not hidden. We also discussed my rather large debts and how I could deal with them. Nothing is hidden financially in this house (except the watch I bought him for our wedding day as I kept that one secret).

He just says oh no need to know what each other earns.
I cba with that nonsense, he says he wants a baby and then won't say his wage? How does he expect you both to plan costs, work out affordibility of various stuff if he's wanting to keep it secret.

I think money can be one of the most difficult things to communicate about and if you can’t, I would hesitate in taking the relationship further. If you’re happy with the status who then it doesn’t have to be a problem.

Move on.
My now DH was open about his money issues and he ended up bankrupt due to a failed business.
I am the complete opposite-but he’s been absolutely honest from the start.
It has proved a bit tricky at times but the honesty and transparency is important. He has something to hide @Thirsday

I don't know DHs salary as such, but I know how much money appears in our account each month. I suppose I could calculate it if I wanted to.

It does seem rather secretive OP. DH used to leave his wage slip lying about on the kitchen table which your partner would probably cringe at.

@ChainJane why should it go in to a joint account?

It’s does seem strange that you don’t even know round about what he earns. If you were going to move in and buy together, he would have to say then.

I wonder if it is as a pp said, that’s he’s ashamed he may earn less. Have you not googled what do “xxxx” earn?

DH and I could probably take a reasonably accurate guess at what each other earns but certainly not to within hundreds of pounds. It was excruciating when we applied for a mortgage as we didn’t want to get into that level of detail about income and expenditure.
We agreed to do it via the broker and have never spoken of it since .
We’ve recently each bought a few shares in a business that we’re interested in and I tease him every day that I’m making more on mine than he is on his because he dithered and paid more.
We don’t share bank accounts. We never argue about money.

I have a rough idea of what my DP earns but he's self employed so it's not really a set amount. I am not sure if he knows my exact salary but I think he has an idea.

We have been together 10 years.