I don’t know how much you earn and you don’t know mine either

[Thirsday]

Is it strange that me and my partner don’t know what each other earns ? We don’t live together and I have no issue with sharing how much I earn but I don’t as he doesn’t want to share. I think it’s strange. I wonder how we can move on as a couple and buy a home together etc. We have been together for 4 years. What’s the general view on here, do most of you know your partners income and vice versa ?

I personally wouldn't move in and have a DC with someone who can't share. We work out our finances jointly on one spreadsheet. Dh earns more than me because I did low paid jobs when DC were small to limit childcare costs. It really wouldn't be fair for him to lounge in luxury whilst I scraped by. The resentment would be huge. Thankfully I'm not in that position. But then his parents and my parents did the same so it was normal for us.

@Regularsizedrudy we’ve been married for 26 years, two adult DS, we’re doing something right.

[quote JosephineDeBeauharnais]@Regularsizedrudy we’ve been married for 26 years, two adult DS, we’re doing something right.[/quote]
Yes but you’re actively hiding your earnings from each other. What purpose does this serve? I don’t understand why you both feel it’s beneficial to be secretive like this?

My ex and I never discussed wages. We lived together for 14 years and had a DC. When he moved into mine we set an amount he would contribute and he gave that amount every month.

Never argued about money.

I know exactly what my DP (of 3 years
whom I don't live with) earns, as I do his tax return for him, to reclaim expenses. I knew roughly from around 6 months.
He should know what I earn, as I told him when I got a reasonable payrise a couple of years ago, but I doubt he remembers. He will know that its a bit but not significantly more than him though.
(Having said that he was surprised I only did 24hrs a week quite recently, and I've definitely told him that before).

We don't know each others assets though. We probably have a rough idea, but he's not aware of the extent of mine, and I'm pretty sure he hasn't got much.

I like to hope that the people who are married and don't talk about money are stupidly wealthy and that's why it works.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't want to (eventually) budget as a couple and pool our resources towards shared goals.

Well if you were to buy a house with a mortgage, you’d need to know each other’s salaries and savings etc.
But after 4 years he’s refused to say and you don’t live together, I’d be seeing it as he doesn’t want to live together snd you’re dating.

This is odd. Ive always known what DH earns, to the penny, and he knows what I earn. Thats normal.

If you have taught him how to be money smart then it's probably because he earns less than you. If thus is the case he is most likely embarrassed.

I disagree with PP statement that it should all go into a joint account. Joint bills and mortgage should but that's it.

We don't know fully how much the other earns. Like we know general area of the sum probably

I missed the baby bit. Nah, that's when it's different

@JackieCollinshasnoauthority

I like to hope that the people who are married and don't talk about money are stupidly wealthy and that's why it works.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't want to (eventually) budget as a couple and pool our resources towards shared goals.

You can do that easily without knowing exact wages and having joint account. We talk about investments in a future, plan for it etc. We pay for holidays about the same money etc. It's easily doable. He then can go and spend his rest after bills and all that on shoes and I can spend it on random crap on amazon. Everyone is happy. However, with children it's different when one income gets hit.

Yes really weird

Why are people so secretive about earnings, especially in a couple? It’s quite mundane information when you share so much else with someone.

I’d find that weird, out earnings go towards our family and I feel like it’s important we are both in the know

@Bluntness100 it doesn’t matter whether you understand it or not. Every marriage is different, every relationship has things that matter and things that don’t. One of the things that I enjoy about MN is the fascinating glimpses into the lives of others, especially those who are very different from my own. My life isn’t weird. It may be different from yours in ways you can’t understand, but it isn’t weird. And there’s a difference between not actively sharing and actively hiding. We don’t discuss money, we don’t need to other than at a very mundane level. The bills get paid, that’s all there is to it, it’s just not a “thing” as it would seem it is for most posters on this thread.

@JosephineDeBeauharnais, I’d understand and agree fully but when you use a mortgage broker so you don’t need to disclose your earnings then that for me is actively hiding,

I just hope this isn’t really him, Ie he won’t tell you, so you don’t tell him yours and he makes you pay fifty fifty and he has much more disposable income than you.

But you’re right, everyone’s marriage is different and if this works for you guys, no matter how unusual and discomfiting it would be to others that’s all that matters.

What job does he do? Can you figure it out that way? What job do you do? Do you think you maybe earn a significantly higher amount and could that be why is funny about it?

I'm another who has no idea what DH earns. I think it's similar to me - we share a bank account so I could work it out if I wanted to. It's just not been an issue as we are both comfortable and live within our means - no separate accounts etc.

In our scenario I don't think it matters as it won't impact anything. If you don't know if he earns £20k or £50k, I'd say it's more of an issue - but I can't see how you wouldn't know the ballpark if you've been together for a while.

Salary benchmarking is quite an easy thing to do, especially if you share role/level/industry/location.

I wonder if it's particularly low and he's embarrassed. Has he been in the same job for a while? Has he discussed promotions or career ambitions?

Staying in the same company or role for a protracted time means you generally don't keep track with market compensation levels (private sector). There's a premium to move companies, as there is a job security risk involved in the short term.

It's a strange conversation to have when it's a straight "I earn x" statement, but you'd expect some context to come up when planning holidays, houses, cars etc when discussing affordability and/or financing.

To me it would seem strange. DH and I know what each other receive in each pay packet. Its the sort of thing that we discuss.

We sometimes play around with what we each pay towards bills. For example, this month I've earned £1200 more than DH so I paid 70% of our rent, and he paid 30%.
The MOT was due 3 weeks ago, which I paid for, so he will pay for the new tyres which need doing soon.
I'll pay for food shopping because he is earning less.

It switches around, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where we weren't this transparent

To me it would seem strange. DH and I know what each other receive in each pay packet. Its the sort of thing that we discuss.
How does that come about? Do you ask openly "how is your wage this month?"? We never spoke about that bar "payday beer, tonight" a long time ago.
Not attacking. Just curious

I agree with most.
If you were both fabulously wealthy, independently, and never have to worry about how to pay for things, it probably wouldn't matter.
If you were happy to continue as you were, living apart and not making any commitment to each other, it probably wouldn't matter.
But if you are talking about having a child together, and sharing lives together, then it is very, very odd that he won't reveal what he earns.
You need to know how you can fund maternity leave, then child care (or having a SAHP), and things like life assurance and insurances, pensions etc as well as potentially buying property together, etc etc.

I think th concern for me is if a woman is with a man who won’t shar his earnings then it’s a potential cover for financial abuse.

Let’s take the extremes, woman on 20k a year. Man on 80. Man won’t tell woman what he earns, and insists on everything fifty fifty, woman still does majority of child care house hold chores

Woman has 100 a month disposable income. Man has a thousand. Ans is squirrelling it away, whilst his partner struggles to afford a hair cut.

Fine if the woman is ok with it, but the secrecy could be a way to simply hide money from the other.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

To me it would seem strange. DH and I know what each other receive in each pay packet. Its the sort of thing that we discuss. How does that come about? Do you ask openly "how is your wage this month?"? We never spoke about that bar "payday beer, tonight" a long time ago. Not attacking. Just curious

I think its just because of the way our relationship is, I used to apply for the jobs he wanted, instead of him writing cover letters and CVs which wouldn't get him anywhere (he used to open cover letters with " Hello, and welcome!") So I knew what his wages became. When he was rubbish with money I budgeted for what he needed to pay for our ongoing bills, and his debts. Now we do the same job, we can be paid the same, but if his contract falls a certain way, I know that he earns that £1200 less than usual.

So if he misses a few days off work, or he gains an extra day or two for working the weekend I know exactly what he's been paid, and he the same for my wages.

At that point, we offer to pick up the additional expenses for one another so neither of us ends up with nothing whilst the other has savings... recently one of the cars has been a money pit, it had its MOT which cost several hundred pounds, then we got a puncture, then two more tyres needed replacing, and then our fridge broke, we're a bit weird in the fact that I'll go and sit next to him on the sofa, and say, this is what I've got. How much do you have? OK, so I'll still have more left than you once I've bought the fridge. Then it's my expense.

I think it just comes from having to always be transparent with one another when he was crap with money.