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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t know how much you earn and you don’t know mine either

75 replies

Thirsday · 17/08/2021 11:45

Is it strange that me and my partner don’t know what each other earns ? We don’t live together and I have no issue with sharing how much I earn but I don’t as he doesn’t want to share. I think it’s strange. I wonder how we can move on as a couple and buy a home together etc. We have been together for 4 years. What’s the general view on here, do most of you know your partners income and vice versa ?

OP posts:
ButteringMyArse · 17/08/2021 12:19

It would be fine if you both intended for the relationship to continue as it is, with your own independent setups. Or maybe if you were both so rich it didn't matter, which evidently isn't the case. As he's talking about having a baby though, a significant financial commitment, it's really not. I would not live with him and certainly wouldn't have children without full financial disclosure.

GalaxyGirl24 · 17/08/2021 12:19

I would second your view OP, if he can't be transparent about what he earns then I wouldn't want to live with him.

Myself and DH have a joint account, live together and we're married with a baby so I think it's necessary so we can be fair about bills and childcare payments etc.

I have a friend who just found out her DP earns £4000 a month and has been having £2000 spare cash a month when she's been on Mat leave struggling with £300pm leftover for everything.

EmbarrassingMama · 17/08/2021 12:24

That's very strange. Definitely don't have a baby or buy a house with someone you cannot talk openly about money with.

EmbarrassingMama · 17/08/2021 12:25

@GalaxyGirl24

I would second your view OP, if he can't be transparent about what he earns then I wouldn't want to live with him.

Myself and DH have a joint account, live together and we're married with a baby so I think it's necessary so we can be fair about bills and childcare payments etc.

I have a friend who just found out her DP earns £4000 a month and has been having £2000 spare cash a month when she's been on Mat leave struggling with £300pm leftover for everything.

What?!
traintraveller · 17/08/2021 12:25

I know what DP earns, I have no idea if he knows what I earn. Its no secret just something we have never needed to discuss. No joint account, live together and getting married this year.

Essentialironingwater · 17/08/2021 12:27

Really odd after 4 years. Really odd.

Driftingblue · 17/08/2021 12:31

It’s fine if you maintain separate lives. I wouldn’t live with him, Marry him, and I absolutely wouldn’t even consider having a baby with him. For me, Babies mean full financial transparency and economic partnership. However you set up your actual accounts, you will need to acknowledge that motherhood is financially costly in the short and long term. It’s not just the out of pocket costs that need to be considered. A man who won’t discuss finances is unlikely to want to acknowledge the economic realities parenting imposes on women.

Monkeybusinesss · 17/08/2021 12:34

You don’t even know roughly? Roughly is fine I think

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 17/08/2021 12:40

As others say, ok if you're not interested in ever living together or having children together (or the less common scenario that you are independently very wealthy with no need to believe you'll ever have to think twice about how to pay housing costs, bills and for childcare).

However as neither of these scenarios apply you're right - four years in and with him wanting to start a family this is unrealistic. Someone is going to be disadvantaged or resentful in a scenario where you can't plan your joint finances once maternity leave and childcare costs as well as a suitable home for a baby/ child/ children are needed.

Goldbar · 17/08/2021 12:41

If you don't know how much your DP earns, how do you know if you can afford to have a baby together?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 17/08/2021 12:46

Driftingblue is absolutely right.

Maternity leave costs the woman money.

Will either of you give up work for a period to bring your preschool child up?

Will either or both of you go part time to allow for a day each a week with the baby/ preschool children and part time childcare?

Will either or both of you arrange flexible working hours around childcare?

Will you pay for childcare fees 50/50?

Will the child's miscellaneous expenses such as nappies, clothes, even toddlers group fees and birthday parties be paid out of a joint account set up just for that?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 17/08/2021 12:47

Oh and if one parent gives up any hours at work will the other one contribute an amount to their pension fund? How will finances be balanced in that scenario both immediately and long term?

Mindyourbusiness22 · 17/08/2021 12:53

We both know each other’s. All bills, including mortgage is split 50/50 and no, we do not earn the same. If we couldn’t afford to split then we don’t have it / wouldn’t have bought the house we are in.

BooomShakeTheRoom · 17/08/2021 12:55

Very strange. Why doesn't he want to tell you?

As you say, if you ever decide to share more in life (a mortgage, kids etc) you'll need to know each others income.

Red flags.

Bluntness100 · 17/08/2021 12:56

Yeah that’s totally weird. There is clearly a reason for it

He’s either very low paid and embarrassed and doesn’t wish to admit it
Or he’s quite highly paid and thinks you’re going to want to come after his money,

Neither is a positive, honestly I’d suspect it’s the former, he’s low paid, not just because if the credit card issue but blokes who are well paid tend to like to show off and brag.

Mindyourbusiness22 · 17/08/2021 12:57

@GalaxyGirl24

I would second your view OP, if he can't be transparent about what he earns then I wouldn't want to live with him.

Myself and DH have a joint account, live together and we're married with a baby so I think it's necessary so we can be fair about bills and childcare payments etc.

I have a friend who just found out her DP earns £4000 a month and has been having £2000 spare cash a month when she's been on Mat leave struggling with £300pm leftover for everything.

What?!? That’s insane! What a selfish prick.
drpet49 · 17/08/2021 13:04

Can’t believe this hasn’t come up before. I think it is weird

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 13:04

@Goldbar

If you don't know how much your DP earns, how do you know if you can afford to have a baby together?
Or even actually live together
anonforamo · 17/08/2021 13:14

@Thirsday I think this is one of those things that once you are partnering with someone, things need to change and he needs to make some shifts regarding the idea of privacy when in a partnership.

It's a bit of a red flag around trust. Money problems are such an issue in relationships; I couldn't move forward to living with someone without more trust, honesty and agreement over money.

I imagine he either earns less than you or far more.

I've seen two friends navigate this. One wouldn't tell her b/c she earned more and once she did find out as they applied for a mortgage together he made disgusting comments including at a large gathering before covid saying "let Jamie pay for the bill, we all know she earns 10k more than me" and the other finding out her husband had a huge secret account (100k+) held in another random country. He said it was his "just in case" account, meanwhile she was parenting their two young children and worrying about money. Neither relationship really recovered.

Probably time for a serious talk and for you to think about where you want the relationship to go. People are partners who don't live together and this is much less of an issue. But if you want children, a home together etc then it has to be addressed.

Oldtiredfedup · 17/08/2021 13:27

This would be a huge red flag for me. My ex husband was like this - I never did know how much he earned and never saw his bank account.

icedcoffees · 17/08/2021 13:29

That's a massive red flag to me.

userhuman · 17/08/2021 13:33

He wouldn't tell you after the baby was born either. He's probably still shit with money op.

userhuman · 17/08/2021 13:34

I have a friend who has been with her partner for at least 10 years, 2 kids together, she gave up her job. He won't tell her what he earns, spends loads on himself but keeps her on a short leash.

ThreeWitches · 17/08/2021 13:35

That's completely bizarre

Regularsizedrudy · 17/08/2021 13:57

@JosephineDeBeauharnais

DH and I could probably take a reasonably accurate guess at what each other earns but certainly not to within hundreds of pounds. It was excruciating when we applied for a mortgage as we didn’t want to get into that level of detail about income and expenditure. We agreed to do it via the broker and have never spoken of it since Grin. We’ve recently each bought a few shares in a business that we’re interested in and I tease him every day that I’m making more on mine than he is on his because he dithered and paid more. We don’t share bank accounts. We never argue about money.
That’s not the cute story you think it is