Mother sh#t shaming me on Fb…

[cheshirescarf]

A long story short…I lost my dad at xmas, on my dd birthday( the apple of his eye and he was her hero), their cat also died that day, I suspect terrified of living with my mother , it’s been hard.
She’s been a truly awful mother. No love, just critical, cold and lots of smacks. We all left home ASAP. My dad was just the opposite but sadly wasn’t always there, not clever enough to argue his case or strong enough to leave, despite coming close several times.
She nagged him incessantly and I believe his last few years broke his spirit, it was clearly co dependent, he wasn’t without faults but she clearly has mental health issues which is why I’ve tried to be supportive.
Since he’s gone, I’ve visited twice a week ( it’s a 3 hour round trip) taking it down to one for past 3 months as tbh I can’t afford it , got her a nice little car ( she paid) but had to clean out dads car , trade it in, bury cat, listen to crap about her lost love, despite her being vile to him.
Suggested and researched support groups, got her a counselling ( won’t go) as she’s had several episodes saying she’s struggling , took her on holiday, spoke with drs etc etc but won’t do anything to change or try to get better, I’ve told her I’m not a professional and will support her when she gets help.
She has now despite it being my Dh last day at home for 6 weeks gone on Fb to say how much she misses my dad etc, how lonely she is( she won’t visit or call any of us)alone all weekend , saw no one all weekend.
I can’t win. This is not an accidental comment, she’s extremely clever but ffs I look like a piece of sh&t.
I could go on about bad she us but I’m trying to balance it with not looking a complete bitch.
I’m furious and need to say something and I don’t mean privately.

Enough 4 me, I totally agree.
Sister 2 and brother had a call from her saying we’d all been calling her, he asked who said that as we hadn’t, said he knew she spoken to sister 2 only and would be speaking to her about it( he knew she was stirring the pot) and she had to retract and say talking about, he told her that’s called a conversation not calling people..( she never calls so clearly on the defensive) both had virtually same conversation, she still sees no wrong in her post, apparently she expects more of us and us allowed to post anything she wants! Was informed to expect replies that she doesn’t like and the truth, plus as we all know she’s intelligent these were loaded posts shaming us…..she bitched about me visiting my 87 year old neighbour( recently widowed) whom I get shopping for ( with my own order) and pop over 2 weekly for 1/2 hr chat, she’s very jealous of anything we do for anyone but her , even awful ( jealous)about sister 2 MIL, who is beyond lovely and treats my sister like her own daughter.
Then moaned my nephew is coming to visit, apparently sister 1 spoils him etc ( he has been struggling and only recently come out) when asked about Malta it was too expensive when questioned why sudden change of mind, sister 2 offered to pay as it would be a lovely experience with her her granddaughter and nephew but said then she didn’t want charity…both told her we can’t win , change what you do or remain stuck in this . Every idea was knocked backed with no real excuse, her normal answer to anything we do, no.
She did what she always does when caught out and cried but as it had no effect on conversation , stopped dramatically and went on defensive again and miraculously stopped crying.
So she said she had to go and rang off.
Sister 1 is arriving tomorrow and I suspect it will come to a head with her …
However, I’ll be having a chat with her today, she won’t like it, it will be virtually same conversation but without this she thinks I’m either scared or hiding, as mentioned similar to brother. I’m neither.

Bloody families……

He reaped what he sowed sadly.

No, you're reaping what he sowed.

I’d find it difficult not to comment something along the lines of ‘You’re not alone, we visit you every week and you’re always free to come visit us if you want too Mum.’

Not defending her parenting but when you lose your spouse there is a loneliness that no one can fix. I don't doubt she is lonely. Whatever their marriage he was her every day. It takes more than a year to find a new rhythm.

Not defending her parenting but when you lose your spouse there is a loneliness that no one can fix. I don't doubt she is lonely

This

Manipulative behaviour or not, there can be little doubt that she is extremely lonely

Hi op we have this crappy behaviour 3 years on. Yes she widowed but only so much one can do. My mother ignores my texts then has the neck to say nobody rings her. She always brewing for rows too.

Lonely adults appreciate others who visit and call and say thanks for support.

They don't go to social media to complain that not enough is being done, they don't cancel holidays to hurt grandchildren, they don't say mean things when they see their family helping them and they don't cry as a form of tantrum to not listen and block discussion on the issues.

She controlled your dad and now is desperate to control again. This isn't loneliness she is a bratty child not getting her own way.

I appreciate the thoughts everyone on her but it was sadly not the lovely marriage she thinks it was. It was truly awful but in her posts etc he was her beloved , she adored him etc. She didn’t. That was not the reality.
Her loneliness is not our fault, we’ve suggested clubs, community centres which support widows/ older intereses, it’s no. So what can anyone do? Nothing as she won’t do it but wants us to ? We aren’t her friends.
Enough4 me is spot , Mary 46 she does that too.

Enoughforme I agree moods on if she doesnt get her own way. Some people just very hard work!

@OnTheNatureOfDaylight

Op, There is a book you need to read...

Adult children of emotionally immature parents.

Life changing!

Which author please, I found 5.. thanks x

I went full N.C with the woman who gave birth to me almost 5 years ago. Might sound harsh to some but I can't call her by societies name. I should have done it years and years and years ago. She literally sucked the life out of me. You know the days when you've struggled to get your own shit together but got on with your day and found it wasn't as bad as you thought was going to be when your alarm went off at 5.45am and you actually feel you accomplished something she would ring me and whinge and whine on about how someone had done this or said that about her and how they were slagging her off when really all it was that people had started to see how horrible she was. Example of nastiness: 16yr old 2nd cousin had bought an absolutely beautiful dress for her prom and looked stunning, posted pics on FB really excited and lots of lovely comments, "the woman who gave birth to me"'s comment - "I think you look like a slutty whore!" Who the fuck demeans another person like that? Let alone a young impressionable 16yr old family member?
The amount of lies she's told over the years straight to people's faces while I was stood there and me being embarrassed as hell knowing that I can't stand and call her out on it.
So I get you OP it's really difficult to call her out on her b.s trying to make out your selfish and don't give 2 shites and trying to make you feel guilty and second guess yourself but you really know the truth and she's making it all about her to detract attention from you and your family situation. Xx

I know oneeata they can be nasty and devious. Awful

@Oneeata

I went full N.C with the woman who gave birth to me almost 5 years ago. Might sound harsh to some but I can't call her by societies name. I should have done it years and years and years ago. She literally sucked the life out of me. You know the days when you've struggled to get your own shit together but got on with your day and found it wasn't as bad as you thought was going to be when your alarm went off at 5.45am and you actually feel you accomplished something she would ring me and whinge and whine on about how someone had done this or said that about her and how they were slagging her off when really all it was that people had started to see how horrible she was. Example of nastiness: 16yr old 2nd cousin had bought an absolutely beautiful dress for her prom and looked stunning, posted pics on FB really excited and lots of lovely comments, "the woman who gave birth to me"'s comment - "I think you look like a slutty whore!" Who the fuck demeans another person like that? Let alone a young impressionable 16yr old family member? The amount of lies she's told over the years straight to people's faces while I was stood there and me being embarrassed as hell knowing that I can't stand and call her out on it. So I get you OP it's really difficult to call her out on her b.s trying to make out your selfish and don't give 2 shites and trying to make you feel guilty and second guess yourself but you really know the truth and she's making it all about her to detract attention from you and your family situation. Xx

That’s bloody awful. I’m sorry you had to suffer that. I hope you have made a good life despite her. My dm posts holy crap( catholic by name only) and comes out of church calling everyone, racist, homophobic etc. Sadly she believes she is this virtuous, kind church goer.

I think I understand the situation as your mum is uncannily like my male parent's departed mother, who has no right to be called my nan as she was a manipulative spoilt brat and ironically also devout Catholic

I know you are being encouraged to be NC, but I'd suggest lower or very low contact and see how that goes. I'm LC with my male parent and it means less pain fewer nasty comments and less guilt for me as I know he is alive. I know he is partly the way he is because of his mother, so perhaps that stops me going NC. We just send brief messages every few months and no contact with my DCs.

Enough totally agree , 2 siblings have spoken to her about Fb posts, she is adamant we just have bad minds.
It’s no surprise when my dad was poorly 4 years ago she said specialist had called to say tests were positive, I asked what for, big pause then said cancer. Said they’d talked and didn’t want treatment , wanted quality of life. I called all my siblings , went down immediately and saw my dad , who was confused at my arriving and asked why I was crying etc….and said he didn’t have cancer and then she denied it all saying we were confused? Ffs. We went ballistic and as per usual he asked us to leave it, not argue. Her enabler. Totally toxic co dependent.
I said my piece yesterday, I’ll def go LC now, no option.
Sister 1 arrived and has 2 days with her( planning her own talk) apparently she’s all over my nephew whom she bitches endlessly about.