Mother sh#t shaming me on Fb…

[cheshirescarf]

A long story short…I lost my dad at xmas, on my dd birthday( the apple of his eye and he was her hero), their cat also died that day, I suspect terrified of living with my mother , it’s been hard.
She’s been a truly awful mother. No love, just critical, cold and lots of smacks. We all left home ASAP. My dad was just the opposite but sadly wasn’t always there, not clever enough to argue his case or strong enough to leave, despite coming close several times.
She nagged him incessantly and I believe his last few years broke his spirit, it was clearly co dependent, he wasn’t without faults but she clearly has mental health issues which is why I’ve tried to be supportive.
Since he’s gone, I’ve visited twice a week ( it’s a 3 hour round trip) taking it down to one for past 3 months as tbh I can’t afford it , got her a nice little car ( she paid) but had to clean out dads car , trade it in, bury cat, listen to crap about her lost love, despite her being vile to him.
Suggested and researched support groups, got her a counselling ( won’t go) as she’s had several episodes saying she’s struggling , took her on holiday, spoke with drs etc etc but won’t do anything to change or try to get better, I’ve told her I’m not a professional and will support her when she gets help.
She has now despite it being my Dh last day at home for 6 weeks gone on Fb to say how much she misses my dad etc, how lonely she is( she won’t visit or call any of us)alone all weekend , saw no one all weekend.
I can’t win. This is not an accidental comment, she’s extremely clever but ffs I look like a piece of sh&t.
I could go on about bad she us but I’m trying to balance it with not looking a complete bitch.
I’m furious and need to say something and I don’t mean privately.

@PrincessNutella

I think you should cut down on visits... This is a great opportunity for her to learn how to meet her own needs.

And you must demonstrate REALLY clearly that manipulation and guilt tripping won't work.

I've had to do this with my own mother. She won't acknowledge that she's being manipulative though. It annoys her on a really visceral level when I don't do what she wants me to do. She has this very deeply entrenched core belief that I must do what she wants me to do or am I awkward, difficult, aggressive...........

She doesn't behave like this with my brother though.

So even if she never acknowledges that she's manipulative I still think it's important not to respond to that manipulation in a way that gives he a result.

@Hoppinggreen it's true. I'm very let down by my father who has chosen to offer up his life to my mother as her institutionalised foot soldier. He is a weak man who enables a woman with narc tendencies.

He has let me down because he is so weak. When my mother hurt me and I told her that she hurt me, she was outrgaged. Threw herself up on the cross, and my dad came over to me to give out to me for ''hurting mum''. so in other words, just threw me under the bus and compounded the feeling I had of being completely worthless and invisible in the family and he did that for his own easy life.

Very gentle man though. Wouldnt' hurt a fly et cetera

@cheshirescarf

Enough that is so lovely. Everyone has been incredibly kind. My reward is I’m not her, I’ve had a happy marriage, 2 lovely dds, we laugh, have fun, I rescue Spanish dogs, I learned how not to be a parent from her.

Read that back to yourself and remember it every time she gets to you. Hope you have the strength to look after you, you're still grieving too 💐

@Haffiana

I’d love to cut all ties but promised my dying dad to take care of her. And I’m too loyal to him to do that…yet.

Look, he prioritised her over you. That's the truth. He made his choice and it wasn't the best one for you at all.

Don't for god's sake carry on making the same mistakes he did. Don't heap yet more reasons and justifications for slogging away trying to fix something that is so, so damaged. You need to find the strength to disengage.

This is mind-blowingly good advice.

Not quite the same but my mum once complained that I'd not contacted her for a while my response was "my phone receives texts/calls as well as making them".

I know it's not the same situation but my ex does this! Behaves like a complete prick despite me always trying to see the best in him and help him sort his life out. Eventually i had enough and walked away and he went round mutual friends and his family trying to get sympathy by making up complete bullshit. It really annoyed me at first that people would think i was actually capable of behaving like this, however i soon realised that the majority of people who know us are not stupid and know the truth. Those who choose to believe his rubbish are people who don't matter anyway.

Op, There is a book you need to read...

Adult children of emotionally immature parents.

Life changing!

Tell her you have seen the FB message. Tell her to remove it or you will be forced to respond to it, and you will stop seeing her completely.

Hatew to agree because it sounds harsh but your dad didnt put you first he chose her-you dont have to do the same and toture yourself for yhears like he did

Hi OP - firstly sorry for the loss of your DF. I lost mine 6 years ago and I'm still listening to this shit, I kid you not! Sounds like I had a similar upbringing to yours so you have my sympathy.

My advice is to disengage. Give her only what you can. Don't let her drain you. She is responsible for herself, and her alone. She's a grown adult.

I do agree with other posters that your DF enabled your DM. My Father did the same. I used to think he was a sweetheart, wouldn't hurt a fly but he also never defended me and left me in the lion's den to fend for myself. He is as much to blame as she is and that has been an epiphany for me.

I've managed to establish a nice, civil relationship with my mother now. We will never be close though and I've accepted that. I only give her what I can emotionally and have established rock solid boundaries with her but this has taken years of therapy, lots of research and self help books coming out of my ears!

It really is all about boundaries I think. Her shit won't stick once you have established them. Concentrate on yourself and your family and give her only what you can. I wish you well OP.

My sister is the same, last one was she asking for help from extended family and friends in social media as she was left to care for my parents on her very own while they were very ill for Covid.

The truth is that we couldn’t travel as the border was closed and she refused to use the 24 hrs covid specialised nursing service we booked and agreed to paid for. She was not responding to our messages or picking up the phone and the only updates we were getting were through her social media posts, she kept holding the nursing team off as she point blank refused to use them as the PPE would scare our parents.

Rather than trying to put the things right with so many devotees of my martyred sister, I just blocked them all in Facebook. My life is much easier, I have not missed anyone, nor the recriminations and my sister is no longer taking my posts there as evidence that we are having a great time while she is left to suffer.

God op hard going. Sorry to hear about your dad. My mother is very rude we low contact. She told my sibling we have a duty to the elderly.. anyway respect is 2 ways. You can only do what you can

Your dad stayed and put up with this abuse for years and now he's tied you into continuing whatever role he played for your mother. You don't have to do it. Your mum has abused you your whole life. You're not obliged to carry on letting her do this out of a misplaced sense of loyalty to your dad.

I don't know. Step back and look at it dispassionately. She was on her own all weekend and her husband has just died. It's not surprising she felt lonely over the weekend. This does not deny that fact that you only visited her on Thursday. Also, maybe she doesn't ring you because she knows you don't really get it whereas your uncle, who is also recently bereaved, is in the same position and they can support each other in this way.
I am sorry this feels like a personal attack from her. Toxic parents are so hard to deal with but also have their own feelings (which you are not responsible for). Best to just ignore it, or reply saying something like "Not too long until we see you again on Tuesday (or what ever)".

Control has been a huge factor of her life, clearly mentality she has issues, my eldest dd has Aspergers, however her behaviour and rudeness is increasing and was always bad before my dad died.
Passive / aggressive racist ( I will not tolerate it) everyone is a no, then makes herself a victim. It’s a reoccurring story tbh.
Agree it looks like I think dads a saint, he wasn’t, he was her enabler and he should have protected us. I’ve had to go to their house as he urged me to as thought he was going to hurt her as incessantly nags, criticises etc etc . He reaped what he sowed sadly.

We just all left. 2 siblings are overseas, and so it falls to myself and brother who doesnt the need more stress as just had a pacemaker fitted.
Luckily he’s not on Fb but his partner is so he knows.
She expects us all to run around call her, visit her, order things thrn just moans about it..last weeks lunch was too big?
At padstow I got us a table at Rick steins. She went on Fb to say it wasn’t all that ? Ffs she had fish and chips, it’s like complaining Blackpool has a pier!

Here’s the replies myself and sisters sent. I know it’s engaging with child like behaviour but I’m not allowing the pity party to continue as she thinks she has found a platform.

Again, advice is greatly appreciated and to those in similar situations a big virtually glass of wine….

Sister 1
Hi Mum. I’m arriving Wednesday, not sure what time yet but Claire offered to come pick me up and bring me to you. I’ll look into the community center across the road and see what available. Thankfully Claire and Danny are there for you. I wish I could fly home more than just a few times a year. I’ll be there soon. Xxx.
sister 2
We all miss Dad 💔
It's a shame you don't go to Malta that would be lovely for you to spend time with Jo, family and the girls x
Mine..
We all miss my dad terribly, nothing will ever replace him but we have done our best to support you with weekly visits, our holiday to Padstow etc ..,you have an open invite to visit us anytime. I wish you would say yes.
I’ve still got the list of clubs ( which are open ) with people to support you in similar situations if you change your mind and want to go.

Dm.
Don’t want to go to Malta or clubs it’s your dad I miss and nothing will change that . Your cannot replace my missing him by going to other places . I know you all miss him but he lived with me.
Sister2
Mum no one is trying to replace Dad, just trying to make life better for you Mum.
And i know how much Claire and Danny do for you ❤️
Sister 1
sadly Mum we cannot bring dad back , we all miss him terrible , we loved him very much. Nothing can replace him, but you have us , your grandkids and a great grand baby. We are here. We’re doing all we can , you have a great support in us all. It’s hard but take up some of our offers. Please

Mine
Mum We all know nothing can replace him, I said that but you said you’re lonely and haven’t seen anyone.
You could visit us, accept our invites. As Jo said it’s hard but the alternative is much worse.

I believe the cat was ill, she wouldn’t take it to the vet. Disgraceful
I don’t think she’s a cat poisoner but is shit cook….it might have eaten a meal?
Another note, sister asked her to Malta ( her dh is working out there ) dm asked me to get hotel , flight info etc, I did, my dd was going to accompany her ( asd but super intelligent and extremely capable) as she volunteered to, it was all systems go then dm suddenly changed her mind, no explanation or apology to my dd, who was crestfallen.

“Oh mum, you silly sod. You’re better than this! You don’t need to make these things up for Facebook, we’re your family, you can talk to us! I know I can only come twice a week now with it being a 3 hour round trip but you know where we live! Get yourself over for a visit if you’re lonely!

Little Pearl I’m sorry your dad didn’t stand up for you too. There are sadly quite a few of us here it seems like this. Believe it or not her sister was worse but a good aunt to me..bizarre.
Your words and several others rang very true, I do have some pity for her as she must live a horrible life as horrible person .
We all turned out strong ( but still sensitive) kind people and our glasses have always been 1/2 full.

Those messages are too appeasing, I think. The more you try to explain and do, the more she will complain.
Keep replies brief and to the point. Personally I think you've done more than your duty to your dad by organising all the things you've already done and I'd go very low contact from now on. Not saying to cut her off completely but stop going over there so much and stop trying to fix all her problems since she doesn't appreciate it and takes you completely for granted. She might appreciate you more if you do less! And if not, at least you'd be happier!

I know, I’d normally be blunt but truthfully want to show everyone without looking a total bitch what we have done ( lots more tbh but I won’t bore everyone) so she’s seen them , she’ll be seething ..
But I think the path will be lonely for her as I won’t play her game and will drop off contact to minimum. With rules.

Don't worry too much about what others think - they'll soon learn what she's like and even if they don't, you know she isn't hard done by. The people whose opinions matter are the people who know you and love you and know full well that you've done right by her and she's the one at fault. Try not to get into worrying what your mum's church friends etc think because they really don't matter to your life.

You are all trying to fix your mum's grief and frustrated that she's not getting on with things. OP this has clearly triggered deep resentments in you. They are separate from how she is dealing with her grief. Don't confuse the two. It is normal for someone in deep grief to be all over the place (the Malta trip). Your mother's DM is clear, she is struggling. If you want to help her, try empathy. Or back off if you are just going to get frustrated and triggered, that won't help anyone. But don't take it personally. This short animation from Brene Brown is excellent on the difference between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is about making yourself feel better, empathy is about showing understanding, which is what she's clearly crying out for. Again if you can't care, for your own good reasons, then back off, but don't blame her for this.

@Rabbitheadlights

Comment, really mum? We only saw u on Tuesday? You know where we live ?

thats perfect

Sadly sessell this behaviour has been the theme tune to her life.
It’s not grief and I’ll be honest I’m not trying to fix it…..this has been going on for years. As children we had money but no love, no cuddles, no support, not one happy memory. I could go on, she preferred her “ friends” to her own children.

So it’s lack of control, manipulation and the reality she’s effectively on her own.

OP ignore anyone telling you what to do (your mum or on here). Put you and your immediate family group first and do what you think is fair.

It's not really grief causing the issues if your mum has always consistently been selfish.