Mother sh#t shaming me on Fb…

[cheshirescarf]

A long story short…I lost my dad at xmas, on my dd birthday( the apple of his eye and he was her hero), their cat also died that day, I suspect terrified of living with my mother , it’s been hard.
She’s been a truly awful mother. No love, just critical, cold and lots of smacks. We all left home ASAP. My dad was just the opposite but sadly wasn’t always there, not clever enough to argue his case or strong enough to leave, despite coming close several times.
She nagged him incessantly and I believe his last few years broke his spirit, it was clearly co dependent, he wasn’t without faults but she clearly has mental health issues which is why I’ve tried to be supportive.
Since he’s gone, I’ve visited twice a week ( it’s a 3 hour round trip) taking it down to one for past 3 months as tbh I can’t afford it , got her a nice little car ( she paid) but had to clean out dads car , trade it in, bury cat, listen to crap about her lost love, despite her being vile to him.
Suggested and researched support groups, got her a counselling ( won’t go) as she’s had several episodes saying she’s struggling , took her on holiday, spoke with drs etc etc but won’t do anything to change or try to get better, I’ve told her I’m not a professional and will support her when she gets help.
She has now despite it being my Dh last day at home for 6 weeks gone on Fb to say how much she misses my dad etc, how lonely she is( she won’t visit or call any of us)alone all weekend , saw no one all weekend.
I can’t win. This is not an accidental comment, she’s extremely clever but ffs I look like a piece of sh&t.
I could go on about bad she us but I’m trying to balance it with not looking a complete bitch.
I’m furious and need to say something and I don’t mean privately.

Silence is powerful. She’s poking you into action. By ignoring you aren’t feeding it. So like PP poster suggested, like a toddler ignore the poor behavior.

Yes my siblings do, one is very similar to me , other more” subtle “ but both overseas , my other sibling similar to me also.
So we’re aligned.

Madame monk and accidentally op , I think our dm are related!
Haffiana is correct.
But I posted my reply. My siblings too.
I couldn’t help myself, I’m not really sorry just wasn’t letting this one go( I have before) and no surprise it’s still all about her.

Your mother is a capable adult and yet she is complaining as though she is an abandoned child.

When you communicate with her, keep being an adult in your responses even when she is bratty and tries to force you to take responsibility for her in a parental role.

I am sorry about your dad, you deserve the extra support not her

Delete Facebook. Sorted.

Enough that is so lovely.
Everyone has been incredibly kind.
My reward is I’m not her, I’ve had a happy marriage, 2 lovely dds, we laugh, have fun, I rescue Spanish dogs, I learned how not to be a parent from her.

Whatever you do, don't encourage her to visit you. That'll only make your life worse.

I definitely would have replied and said something too. What did you say?

YABU to engage with her over Facebook. Just mute her.

@Rabbitheadlights

Comment, really mum? We only saw u on Tuesday? You know where we live ?

This is perfect.

I'm sorry but I have to laugh at the cat dying in terror of the thought of living alone with your DM

I would put Rabbitheadlights comment if you can be bothered but I would certainly take steps to distancing yourself further. She sounds horrid and you shouldn't feel obliged to even have a relationship with her if she brings nothing to your life. I'm sure people who really know her know exactly what she's like too.

And agree with a pp to not encourage her to come to you - you going to her keeps you in control of date duration etc.

Sorry you lost your dad, I lost my father too.

At least we are left with good memories about them, don't forget the good times. Our dads are with us in spirit.

I think you should cut down on visits... This is a great opportunity for her to learn how to meet her own needs.

I think I’d be tempted to post a reply along the lines of…’if my visits are so unmemorable there’s no point in me driving 3 hours to visit you in future is there?’

Then don’t visit her for a few months. If she wants to publicly bitch that nobody Visits, then you will make her wish come true.

My mother was very similar. I’ve not spoke to her in over a decade. My brother has not spoke to her this century! Some people are just happy being miserable. Leave her to it.

Sorry to hear you lost your dad

Could it be that the FB comment has nothing to do with you OP. Loneliness has nothing to do with being with people, it is about feeling understood. Your mother was widowed less that a year ago, she is very early in her grief for, whatever you think of their relationship, was her life partner. I was still numb at that stage, the worst grief kicks in in year 2. You're upset she won't take up the counselling you've organised to basically fix her - but in grief terms it is too soon. You clearly deeply dislike your mum, and have good reason, but for all the practical help you've given, that will be obvious. Well done on the practical help though, losing a spouse can make you utterly incapable for a while, so practical stuff really helps. Ditto the eulogy. I could not find the words, there were too many and yet they were not adequate. It took me a year to write anything. If I'd been pushed earlier I can imagine something like the brief list would have been all I could do. Nobody knows what goes on in others' relationships, not even their children. My grandmother appeared to nag and boss my grandfather incessantly. But when she died he was lost and heartbroken. He died 6 months later of a broken heart. I know you are also grieving your dad OP. But you have not lost the fabric and rhythm of your daily life, you have your DH and DCs.

It's not about you. Don't engage.

She may well have been feeling lonely this weekend even after seeing you during the week. It must be lonely living on your own after being with someone for so many years. But she wouldn't be so lonely if she had good friends which it sounds like she hasn't and you know why.

The FB post is a dig at everyone who is not inviting her to stuff or going to see her etc. You have been so don't feel its a dig at you. Writing crap on fb is very immature, just ignore any of it until she actually raises it with you.

You are being an absolute saint to put up with her. You are well within your rights to reduce contact.

Maybe missing the point but anyone else wondering what the cat died of?
And the coincidence that it was on the same day as the Df.
Maybe I have a very suspicious mind having been around my own mother (now NC for decades).

@Haffiana

I’d love to cut all ties but promised my dying dad to take care of her. And I’m too loyal to him to do that…yet.

Look, he prioritised her over you. That's the truth. He made his choice and it wasn't the best one for you at all.

Don't for god's sake carry on making the same mistakes he did. Don't heap yet more reasons and justifications for slogging away trying to fix something that is so, so damaged. You need to find the strength to disengage.

very sadly this.

Sorry I know you are grieving but I don't thinking putting your dad on a pedestal like this helps.

He knew she was borderline abusive but enabled her and continues to do so by making you do a deathbed promise to look after her.

You have created a very polarised view of your parents into good cop bad cop and I think this could do with further unpicking or your relationship with your mum will continue to sour.

You should go to see you mum because you want to, not because of a guilt trip.

I am sorry for your loss, grief takes a long time to play out and leaves a lot unresolved.

If you and your siblings know what she is like, whom are you worried would see the post(s), take them at face value and think badly of you, OP?

YANBU my mother sounds very similar to yours.

It’s draining and I’ve tried everything but the more I seem to do the more she expects/takes me for granted.
So I have stopped being so available and it feels so much better.
She said something hurtful which usually she denies ever saying and turns it around somehow but this time I said ‘that’s not acceptable and I’m really hurt by your comment so I think it’s best we take a break for a bit’ and I’ve stuck to my guns and honestly my MH has seriously improved.

As you have 4 siblings I would make an arrangement with them that you all see her one weekend a month or something and make it into a routine.
That way she’s not alone so you don’t feel guilty but you can also get some head space from her.

As for the FB post I’d be tempted to comment underneath saying you saw her on Tuesday but she put it on there to get your attention and make you feel bad so I would simply ignore it which she will hate!

Her historic issues aside, having a husband you see daily to going to weekly meet ups with dc isn’t the same. People can feel lonely. When dh worked some weekends and dc were really little, other families did family time at weekends and I felt quite lonely. It wasn’t a dig at anyone. I don’t understand why someone who lost her husband within the last 12 months isn’t allowed to feel sad or lonely because her daughter feels she’s done lots. The two are totally separate surely?
I’d respond, “mum, you know you can call us if you’re feeling low. Dad’s left a big hole in our lives.”

I’m wondering if I’m misreading the op as everyone else’s response to a woman feeling lonely seems to be to see her less.

Believe me your not alone in having a mother like that. The only difference is i don't have Facebook.

Don't let her away with a smear campaign.

I'd have posted underneath that comment. I've just got home after visiting you.........

I'm very low contact with my own parents but in your shoes I would not be visiting twice a week. I would react to her smear campaign on fb by not visiting her for two weeks. One visit a fortnight is still a lot.
Tell her straight, if she trashes you to your mutual relatives you won't be able to stomach visiting her.

@cheshirescarf

I’m good in myself , devastated at losing my dad , my dds are actually 20/22 but so sad they lost my dad. Tbh she was decent to them, just not her own kids. I’m trying to be kind but I’m over her and feel she needs not shaming but held to account . I’d love to cut all ties but promised my dying dad to take care of her. And I’m too loyal to him to do that…yet.

Oh please, we promised our mother we'd look after dad when she was dying. He was in a nursing home a few months later. None of us were going to play the martyr and take on his care - and he needed actual care, not just someone to visit and whinge to. Do you honesty believe your father would want you to be put through the nasty abuse and manipulation he'd no doubt suffered over the years? Forget about promises. Put yourself first and stand up for yourself. If you wish to keep some contact so be it, but cut way back on contact for your own sanity. Let her post what she wants on Facebook. What do you care what people think of you? You know the truth. You don't need to pander to her anymore. Start calling her out on her shit and while it won't put a stop to it, at least she'll see your not going to take her crap anymore.

@Haffiana

I’d love to cut all ties but promised my dying dad to take care of her. And I’m too loyal to him to do that…yet.

Look, he prioritised her over you. That's the truth. He made his choice and it wasn't the best one for you at all.

Don't for god's sake carry on making the same mistakes he did. Don't heap yet more reasons and justifications for slogging away trying to fix something that is so, so damaged. You need to find the strength to disengage.

Yes, I know you seem to idolise your Dad and I am very sorry you lost him but he did enable your Mothers behaviour. He let you down, he was loyal to her rather than you and you don’t need to carry on putting up with this treatment. Sadly he is gone now and you can choose what to do without it affecting him at all.