To think that courts shouldn't give domestic abusers access to children?

[Yuui]

I entirely understand that this is the AIBU section so I might get flamed, but this topic really does bother me.

I know more than one person whose partner seriously physically or sexually abused them and still got given access to their kids. Personally, I just can't see how this is a good idea? I mean, an adult who is happy to beat/rape/ ..etc [insert awful thing here] probably is going to be an unsafe influence on a child, unless there are some incredibly strong mitigating factors. What do the rest of you think about this matter?

its about the rights of the child though.....the courts aren't giving anything to abusers,they are giving access on behalf of the child.....they legally have a right to a relationship with both parents

As someone who has gone through this, I completely agree. Yes they might not have physically harmed their child or children, but mentally and emotionally they absolutely have as a lot of these children will have heard or seen things that have happened. There is also no saying that they could physically abuse their children when they are older, mouthy and stroppy teenagers for example?

i've been through it too. my kids are adults now and do have some semblance of a relationship with their (once abusive) father

i kept that open for them in a controlled way, through the courts with cafcass. eldest has never wanted anything to do with him, the others do a bit. no point banning all contact.....they will find the abusive parent when older and thats when you will find yourself quite helpless

Completely agree with this too. Contact with the children often result in the mother’s/other parent still be subjected to abuse - coming from personal experience

@CrazyNeighbour......nope,not always

remember, your kids are only little for a short time.....once they are 11 they can choose. unless that parent is a continued threat then you lose the battle.

I know quite a few people that still see their kids despite DV, I was told off ss that my kids dad should see them despite being violent to me because “it was about the children not me”

Kids are the victims they should be protected but courts have this fixation that children have the right to see both parents social services find my ex husband quite damaging and emotionally abusive however its "low level" and doesn't meet threshold his behaviour includes detailing violent and aggressive acts making his child feel unsafe telling him vile things about me making up stories and forcing him to agree with statements such as your mom hurts you your mom stops you coming your mom won't let you see my current girlfriend (children services said no to her she literally lost all her children due to being a violent alcoholic but she is a "great mum" according to him) and just general divisive rhetoric

children will naturally be curious about the other parent, despite what they are told

one day they will look them up on facebook and that will be that. far better to let them have a safe, supervised contact so they de-mystify the abusive parent.

None of it is supervised with the parents I know

Its not about the rights of the child. Its ideological.

This. Excellent response. Exactly this.

İ think the ss saying that it's about the child not the parent is just an abusive statement in itself. And as if the mother's feelings don't affect their child in any way. So blind to think that an abusive person is only abusive to the woman and would be an angel to those angelic children and almost somewhat placing blame on the woman for the man being abusive. But İ think there are a lot of abusive set ups within social services anyway, which feel very Victorian in their thinking.

its not social services.....its the courts, as per the children act

I complained about the social worker, my ex is absent and she told me to contact him and ask him to see the children as apparently it’s “in their best interest” when I said well he was violent to me she said it wasn’t about me it was about them and again it’s “in their best interest to have a relationship with their father and asked me if I ever thought about emailing him” I phoned to complain after that as I found it quite bizarre that she was recommending I contact their absent violent father

I was responding to the comment about the experience with the ss.

@PumpkinKlNG that is really really strange. I've known people who have been threatened by ss that if they had any contact with their violent ex they would have their child taken away.

@Peppapigforlife

İ think the ss saying that it's about the child not the parent is just an abusive statement in itself. And as if the mother's feelings don't affect their child in any way. So blind to think that an abusive person is only abusive to the woman and would be an angel to those angelic children and almost somewhat placing blame on the woman for the man being abusive. But İ think there are a lot of abusive set ups within social services anyway, which feel very Victorian in their thinking.

your very victorian in your thinking also......using the words woman and mother.....plenty of men out there with residency

YADNBU.

An abuser can never be a good parent.

Every instance I’ve seen, they use the children to continue inflicting whatever terror and control over their Ex’s, and see the children as nothing more than a tool to do that.

A friend of mine had the courts rule in favour of full custody to the abusive dad after he refused to bring the child back after his weekend contact and then created lies about her mental health with zero proof. This was even though she had police statements about him beating her black and blue when they were together with the child.

What I feel is always forgotten here is that for the vast majority of these children they have been exposed to the domestic abuse (been in the room, heard it from their beds, seen the fear in their mum, tried to protect her etc) so they have been traumatised today and experienced emotional abuse and then it’s said that they have to see their dad who is responsible for that and don’t consider that at all as if it’s all about the mum and dad and has no impact on them.

Not sure why today is in there

You are and you aren't.

Domestic abusers are bad parents full stop. You cannot be a good parent and abuse the mother or father of your child. It is emotional abuse to the child, to abuse their parent.

I do think there should be extremely limited supervised access in a place where the abuser is not enabled to emotionally abuse his children (and it is usually his) by slagging off their mother, being in charge of them etc.

That way he doesn't become some kind of hero figure.

Also most men will not continue to see their children in these conditions, if they can't control the access, they don't want it. They hate their children's mothers far more than they love thier kids.

your very victorian in your thinking also......using the words woman and mother.....plenty of men out there with residency

Nowhere near as many as women. Only 10% of lone parents with care and control are men.

And over 90% of abusers are men.