Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help around staffroom etqiuette

75 replies

enhancement · 15/08/2021 16:02

I have ASD and will be starting a PGCE this year, I'm asking something which for those who are neurotypical might seem straight forward but I need a bit of help in understanding the etiquette around staffrooms and colleagues.

What should I do if someone at school or uni asks me about my relationship status, my gut instinct would tell to them that it's not their business and that I'm quite a private person but I think this could come across as rude. Can anyone help me out so that I don't come across in a bad way that will make people keep a distance from me.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/08/2021 16:04

I would just answer the question. It’s a common question to ask and I can’t see what the issue with answering would be.

Dancingbugbadge · 15/08/2021 16:07

As in around your colleagues?? I’d just tell them as it’s chit chat and it shows they’re making an effort to get to know you. Just say single / partner / married and then turn the question back on them if you don’t want to go into it for whatever reason.

spanieleyes · 15/08/2021 16:08

I can't ever remember anyone asking a student what their relationship status is, on a PGCE course you assume most students are too busy to have one!

Dancingbugbadge · 15/08/2021 16:08

And yes like @PurpleDaisies said it’s a common question that I’m not sure why you couldn’t just give some kind of response to.

LadyCatStark · 15/08/2021 16:09

Yes it would be rude to say it’s non of their business but you could work on a stock answer that you give to everyone so you’re prepared, such as a breezy, “I’m happily single thanks” 🙂 or whatever your relationship status is.

TeenMinusTests · 15/08/2021 16:10

I would first say this isn't in any way specific to teachi9ng, it would be the same wherever you work.
I also would feel that not answering would come across as unfriendly.
therefore find and answer that deflects further questioning e.g.
Do you have a partner?

  • not at the moment, just concentrating on work really
  • no one serious
  • well, it's a bit new so I don't want to talk about him/her yet
  • yes, but I'm quite private so don't want to share too much
etc.
Popsicales · 15/08/2021 16:10

If it’s another teacher/member of staff, I would just answer the question. In my opinion, it would come across as rude if you said it’s not their business as they’ll just be trying to get to know you and include you in the staff room.

If a child asked me, it would depend on the context tbh (in primary). If it’s in an inappropriate way/during lesson time, I would probably just say ‘that’s not a question you should be asking me right now’ and leave it there. But my class know I have children and a partner and when I was a TA, most of the teachers I worked with would share little things about their lives to help build relationships but not everyone would do this and you wouldn’t have to if you’re a private person obviously.

ExpressDelivery · 15/08/2021 16:11

I mostly keep work and private life separate, I don't share a lot of detail with colleagues, but they do know things like the names and ages of my children, where I'm going on holiday, what I do at the weekends. That's just freindly conversation.

Is it particularly relationship sratus that bothers you? Is it that the answer raises questions (or eyebrows)?

PurpleDaisies · 15/08/2021 16:12

well, it's a bit new so I don't want to talk about him/her yet
yes, but I'm quite private so don't want to share too much

I think both of those answers would lead to more questions and interest than “yes, we’ve been together x years. What about you?” Then talk about hobbies or whatever instead.

Justa47 · 15/08/2021 16:13

@PurpleDaisies

Actually I disagree.
All questions about person life have no place at work unless people forward information first.
You might be making some one very uncomfortable on a topic not related atall to work. Hence should not be asked and not a normal question.

I would say tell you later and move on to a work topic.

Justa47 · 15/08/2021 16:13

@PurpleDaisies

Not in the current decade anyway.

MrsMoastyToasty · 15/08/2021 16:14

Reply with a question. Eg "I'm in a relationship. What about you? ". People love to talk about themselves.

Booboosweet · 15/08/2021 16:15

Maybe try and practice some small talk as that's the norm in a teaching staffroom. You can't tell people to mind their own business.

PurpleDaisies · 15/08/2021 16:19

[quote Justa47]@PurpleDaisies

Not in the current decade anyway.[/quote]
Have you been in a staff room recently? They’re chatty, friendly places (mostly!) and people are just making chit chat. I don’t think whether someone is in a relationship is usually a state secret. Asking if they plan to have kids, or what religion they are, or if they have a toilet brush are controversial, but most people would feel on safe ground with “have you got a partner”?

I agree with practising “yes, what about you?” Or “no, I enjoy doing x y x in my spare time”. It’s just social talk.

RingPiece · 15/08/2021 16:19

It's not a rude question, quite a common question, so if you responded with it's not their business, you would sound rude, but you know this. As pp have said, just answer briefly and change the topic of conversation. Be prepared for other questions such as Where do you live, What were you doing before, Why did you decide to do a PGCE, etc, and come up with answers in advance.

In time you will get to know people on your course/ on your teaching placements - would you then feel these type of questions to be less intrusive?

From experience, on your teaching placements, the teacher/TA will want to get to know you quickly as you'll be spending time working together, so may ask you 'private' questions from day one. They might want to know if you'll be planning after school in school or if you'd rather work at home, for example, and your home situation may determine your choice.
And if course, the children may ask you as well!

RingPiece · 15/08/2021 16:26

@PurpleDaisies I would say tell you later and move on to a work topic

Tell them later? When later? Pop into their classroom before you go home and tell them then?! Tell them in the corridor four days later? This would raise eyebrows and would come across as far stranger a response.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 15/08/2021 16:27

Is there a reason you don't want to answer this question?

In the school staff room where I work it's very friendly and casual and anyone saying "none of your business" to a fairly innocuous question would very much be considered to be rude

RingPiece · 15/08/2021 16:28

Sorry, Justa47, not PurpleDaisies

topcat2014 · 15/08/2021 16:31

Like you, OP, I start work in a school on 1 Sep. I haven't worked in a school before, but it is just a workplace like any other.

You have to make an effort at the start - like any relationship.

If you don't you will be perceived as odd, and that will be hard to shake off.

It is a fairly harmless question, I would have thought?

Not like, for example, asking you which way you vote in elections.

Now, for me, as it happens, I am a conservative voter - which I would assume is not that common in schools..

Original poster
enhancement · 15/08/2021 16:32

I've never had a relationship which my ASD my have something to do with it, I just feel awkward talking about it. I don't know but I feel like saying I have autism so I found relationships harder than most people

OP posts:
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 15/08/2021 16:32

Children are masters of trying to get you off topic, trying to work out your first name, trying to find out if you are single or married, if you have children etc a quick "that's not relevant to today's lesson" and redirect them to the task at hand.

It is fairly useful for your mentor to know whether you have children, a partner, care for other family members as many other staff will have been through juggling teaching and your scenario and maybe be able to offer some support etc. In my school some staff work till 5 and rarely take work home, others leave work ASAP and take their work with them to complete in the car whilst waiting for their children at whatever extracurricular activity they are at. I'm a single parent and whenever anybody asks me about my marital status I just say that I'm focusing on my studies and DD at the moment.

Pinkflipflop85 · 15/08/2021 16:33

We regularly have student teachers at our school and try to involve them in general chat in the staffroom. I think I would feel pretty uncomfortable if I asked a seemingly innocuous question and got that response! It could make others feel reluctant to engage further.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 15/08/2021 16:33

@enhancement just say no Confused

DelphiniumBlue · 15/08/2021 16:33

I don’t understand why it would be a problem to tell a friendly colleague whether you are in a relationship or not.
Having said that, it’s not a question I have ever asked anyone, but I do know the relationship status of every single one of my colleagues because it comes up in conversation.. eg John and I went to x at the weekend/ he said x/ my children did this funny thing/ here’s a picture of my dog/ baby.
Are you overthinking this?

bluebeck · 15/08/2021 16:33

Is there a reason why you don't want to tell colleagues whether you are married or in a relationship? Are you LGBT+ and fearing a homophobic response? If so, you don't have to give the full details straight away, it's fine to drip feed info as you get more secure knowing people.

So you could say, "yes, I am dating/am in a relationship/have been living with my partner for 2 years/have been married for 5 years, how about you?" You don't have to give them the whole story at once - does that help?