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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help around staffroom etqiuette

75 replies

enhancement · 15/08/2021 16:02

I have ASD and will be starting a PGCE this year, I'm asking something which for those who are neurotypical might seem straight forward but I need a bit of help in understanding the etiquette around staffrooms and colleagues.

What should I do if someone at school or uni asks me about my relationship status, my gut instinct would tell to them that it's not their business and that I'm quite a private person but I think this could come across as rude. Can anyone help me out so that I don't come across in a bad way that will make people keep a distance from me.

OP posts:

pasadeda · 15/08/2021 16:33

Questions like this from pupils- inappropriate for you to provide information.
Questions like this from colleagues, it's just chit chat and you will seem really standoffish if you make a big deal of not answering. You don't have to give details but acknowledging that you have a partner (or not) or kids (or not) is hardly intrusive.

bluebeck · 15/08/2021 16:36

I don't know but I feel like saying I have autism so I found relationships harder than most people

I think that sounds fine OP if you are happy sharing that. It would also be fine to say you are happily single at the moment.

Try not to worry, most people are too self obsessed to worry too much about what other people are up to. I hope it all goes really well for you

flumposie · 15/08/2021 16:36

Just answer truthfully but without going in to lots of detail. As a teacher myself you will find the friendships you make on your course and in the staffroom a great support mechanism. Good luck 👍

MissM2912 · 15/08/2021 16:36

Just say you are single. No one will think badly of it!

DelphiniumBlue · 15/08/2021 16:36

@enhancement

I've never had a relationship which my ASD my have something to do with it, I just feel awkward talking about it. I don't know but I feel like saying I have autism so I found relationships harder than most people

Don’t feel you need to explain yourself/ your relationship history if you don’t want to. You can just say you are single, if anyone asks. Though it’s unlikely that they would, in my experience.

memberofthewedding · 15/08/2021 16:41

You dont have to tell people that you have "never" had a relationship if you dont want to. You can gloss over it by:-

Nothing serious at the moment - how about you?

As other posters have pointed out people love to talk about themselves so they will probably proceed to tell you something about their own relationships. Deflecting the question in this way also gets you the reputation of being a good listener, which is never a bad thing.

I can honestly say Ive never asked a new colleague in a workplace whether they have a partner or children right from the onset.I tend to be a private person and use the deflecting technique quite a lot.

pyjamas89 · 15/08/2021 16:41

I'm also autistic OP and have felt stressed about this kind of chit chat too. I've also never had a relationship despite being in my early 30s (for various reasons including being autistic) and worry people will think I'm weird. To colleagues, my stock answer is a breezy, 'nope, no partner at the moment, how about you?' Don't forget that people make this kind of small talk automatically to be friendly, they really won't read anything into it. And turning the question back on someone is a good way to move the conversation on!

VenusTiger · 15/08/2021 16:42

It's a friendly question OP, nothing hostile in it - make friends and ask questions yourself.

EmilyEmmabob · 15/08/2021 16:43

I've always found that questions from colleagues about my life outside work are nice ways of them getting to know me and showing that they want to get to know me. You don't have to divulge any information, I think the 'I'm happily single, thanks' response is perfect. No one is going to start asking you why.

When it comes to the students, absolutely do not engage with this type of conversation. They will be used to being told that it 'is not relevant to the lesson' or 'that is an inappropriate question to ask' so please don't think that you owe them details of your life. They are masters at swerving off the topic of the work to avoid doing it, they don't actually care about what we get up to outside of work. Most are happy to believe that we wait at our desk until they arrive the next day!

PurpleDaisies · 15/08/2021 16:43

@enhancement

You don’t need to say anything beyond “I’m not seeing anyone right now”. People won’t judge that at all.

You could ask them about their family or move on to a topic you’re happy talking about.

CuckooCuckooClock · 15/08/2021 16:44

I nearly always ask people. Maybe I should stop 🤷‍♀️
I’m nosey and usually people like to tell you about themselves. If someone replied with “none of your business” I’d probably give upon trying to be friendly to them so if you don’t want to make friends at work then you could give that answer.

Hankunamatata · 15/08/2021 16:44

OP practise some stock answers to chit chat questions.

girlmom21 · 15/08/2021 16:45

@enhancement

I'd just respond with "there's nobody special in my life at the moment. How about you?"

If you're happy to talk about your autism you could lead the conversation in that direction. It completely depends on your level of comfort.

JLQ1020 · 15/08/2021 16:45

I would probably say something like no I'm no seeing anyone as I'm focusing on my studies for now ( unless I'm wearing a wedding ring) and leave it at that. You can then maybe lead the conversation away from relationship talk by talking about ur studies or ask about the school/ the local area/ something the person asking hopefully knows about
Do you have a friend or a family member you can practice with? That might help with the nerves.

Hankunamatata · 15/08/2021 16:46

And remember you can turn questions back to the person after giving them an answer.

'Not at the moment, Are you in a relationship'

recklessgran · 15/08/2021 16:49

Bless you OP. Just say "I'm single at the moment". You don't need to say any more than that, admit you've never had a relationship or anything like that. You've nothing to be ashamed of and people only ask these questions to show interest/friendliness - not because they're being nosy or trying to catch you out. Good luck in your teaching career - you'll be fine!

sirfredfredgeorge · 15/08/2021 16:52

OP practise some stock answers to chit chat questions

But what is the stock answer to private questions you don't want to answer - "I'm alive" works fine for "how are you?", but what personal questions about relationships don't work if you don't want to answer it, there is no polite "none of your business" answer.

Applesandpears23 · 15/08/2021 16:53

When I had the sort of relationships I didn’t want to talk about at work (eg. short, not serious), I used to intentionally misunderstand questions about my family and mention my parents and siblings instead of my love life. Bland non-answers are completely normal and much better than abrupt refusals. Also OP, even if you had had lots of relationships in the past listing them or saying that there had been a lot wouldn’t be a normal thing to do in a work context or even with casual friends.

newnortherner111 · 15/08/2021 16:53

I wish you all the best for your PGCE, and hope some of the answers above are helpful.

memberofthewedding · 15/08/2021 16:55

A few weeks ago a colleague asked me if I had any holiday plans. I said something like nothing fixed, may be visiting relatives. How about you?

We then spent 15 minutes with her telling me her plans and answering my questions. At the end of the conversation she knew nothing about my (lack of) plans but i knew all about hers. Im sure she didnt leave thinking what a grumpy unfriendly secretive person I was but rather that she had enjoyed telling me her plans.

You can come across as a friendly person who is a good listener and interested in your workmates without revealing much about yourself. Just practice a few stock phrases.

superram · 15/08/2021 16:55

Teaching is a weird one as it is unusual for teachers to manage their workload in the hours they have to be in school. You must at least tell your mentor you are asd so they can support you and they can help with some of these things. I’m my experience, teachers do talk as I might need to get my kids whereas another colleague might get in early so you could go to them for help if I’m not there.

gogohm · 15/08/2021 16:57

A truthful no one at the moment suffices, if asked about interests be honest and or generic eg I'm more into classical music it helps me relax between studying or im pretty busy so when I get spare time I tend to just watch tv. If asked about your weekend just say "nothing much, need to catch up on washing and cleaning though" nobody will question it - saying none of your business will make them more curious

VladmirsPoutine · 15/08/2021 17:00

Don't overthink these things. A lot of NTs ask these types of questions as mere chitchat, to be polite etc so answering with something as simple as "no, I'm currently single" is fine.

godmum56 · 15/08/2021 17:01

I dunno....I am a widow and that sure is a conversation stopper! Also I plain old don't want to talk about it.
You can't really do MYOB but its not something i would ask and if I was asked it i would think it intrusive.

I would pretend not to have heard and ask about something totally unrelated but to do with work...maybe have some questions ready if it helps you....but I accept that you need to have some front to carry that off. Alternatively if you don't want to pretend you haven't heard, say something like "no there's just me" and then ask the work related question.

TractorAndHeadphones · 15/08/2021 17:01

'Not seeing anybody at the moment, what about you' covers it nicely.
and keep asking questions about whatever they tell you..

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