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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help around staffroom etqiuette

75 replies

enhancement · 15/08/2021 16:02

I have ASD and will be starting a PGCE this year, I'm asking something which for those who are neurotypical might seem straight forward but I need a bit of help in understanding the etiquette around staffrooms and colleagues.

What should I do if someone at school or uni asks me about my relationship status, my gut instinct would tell to them that it's not their business and that I'm quite a private person but I think this could come across as rude. Can anyone help me out so that I don't come across in a bad way that will make people keep a distance from me.

OP posts:
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 15/08/2021 17:03

The questionyou are most likely to get when you go back will be about the summer and whether you went away or did anything nice, I'm sure I have the same conversation 20 times at the start of this term.

slashlover · 15/08/2021 17:03

@enhancement

I've never had a relationship which my ASD my have something to do with it, I just feel awkward talking about it. I don't know but I feel like saying I have autism so I found relationships harder than most people
I've never had a relationship due being aromantic/asexual, I just tell people that I'm single at the moment. There's no need to go into more detail than that if you don't want to and I've never had anyone press for more information.
godmum56 · 15/08/2021 17:03

@sirfredfredgeorge

OP practise some stock answers to chit chat questions

But what is the stock answer to private questions you don't want to answer - "I'm alive" works fine for "how are you?", but what personal questions about relationships don't work if you don't want to answer it, there is no polite "none of your business" answer.

well one stock answer is "oh that reminds me"....then ask totally unrelated question to do with work
Scarby9 · 15/08/2021 17:05

If anyone asks just say no. It really isn't a problem.
Or, if you don't want to say no, say 'Aha! That would be telling' or something jokey like that.
If the person does probe a bit more eg. 'So, are you looking for anyone?' then I think you entitled to avoid the question by saying something like 'Getting through today is enough of a challenge' or ' The PGCE keeps me busy enough' etc.
There are lots of single people out there. Youchoose howmuch you want to share.

modelthroughit · 15/08/2021 17:12

I’m a teacher in a secondary school, and have ASC. The staff room can be a strange place for anyone, but I would guess more so for us.

I’ve never been asked about my relationship status in 12 years teaching, five different schools (including the two PGCE placements). It has come up naturally on occasion, but it’s not something I’ve been asked in an introductory conversation. I would suggest, as others have, having a stock answer ready - “No, just focused on training at the moment. How long have you worked here?” would work, as it steers the chat back to the workplace and subtly implies you’d rather stay off personal topics.

A word of warning - some school staffrooms (and I do mean some, not all) can have quite entrenched unspoken rules about who sits where, both in briefings and breaks. Try and go there with someone to start with, just in case. A whole cohort of trainees at my second placement school were sat down and spoken to very seriously as we had been sitting in someone else’s ‘area’ and they were upset that we didn’t ‘’know our place.”

Welcome to the best job ever. It’s hard, but worth it.

TractorAndHeadphones · 15/08/2021 17:12

@sirfredfredgeorge

OP practise some stock answers to chit chat questions

But what is the stock answer to private questions you don't want to answer - "I'm alive" works fine for "how are you?", but what personal questions about relationships don't work if you don't want to answer it, there is no polite "none of your business" answer.

It's difficult. Come to think of it though I've never encountered this question asked directly. It comes up in conversation . e.g. person A: I have 3 kids, person B: I have 2, they chat and realise that person C is quiet, so ask them if THEY have kids/partner in an effort to include them. I have found out other colleagues' relationship status through normal conversation e.g. someone telling me they went to a concert with their girlfriend, or something of that sort. This may be because most of my colleagues are either very young (18/21 year old apprentices) or have 'school drop off' on their calendars Grin
Lemonsyellow · 15/08/2021 17:13

I’m surprised that people think that’s a common question. I don’t think at all, and I would never dream of asking. It’s really unprofessional. You can’t say “it’s none of your business,” as that’s rude. If it comes up in conversation, though, where the newbie mentions their partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc, that would be different.

robotcollision · 15/08/2021 17:15

@enhancement

I've never had a relationship which my ASD my have something to do with it, I just feel awkward talking about it. I don't know but I feel like saying I have autism so I found relationships harder than most people
It might help to have a lighthearted answer prepared, like, 'I'm happily single for now.'

I think with this sort of question, the best way to handle it is to find a very neutral easy answer and be prepared to come out with it, so that if you are asked, it just comes out naturally and then you can move quickly on with, 'How about you?'

NT people might just be asking casually just to try and show interest in you or get to know you a bit, and not really care about the answer. If you start saying you find it intrusive, I think they might find that an over-reaction.

The same is true with questions like 'Got any plans for the weekend? You can just reply, 'Catching up with friends' or 'Training for a run' or 'I'm planning to do nothing all weekend!' - keep it very general and neutral. Or if they ask 'How was your weekend?' you can just say, 'Very relaxing except for the marking!' or something similar. Build up some stock phrases. If they are very inquisitive it might be a sign that they want to become friends.

kumquat365 · 15/08/2021 17:17

Then you just say with a smile 'I'm far too busy to be in a relationship at the moment — how about you?'

FreekStar2 · 15/08/2021 17:21

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TeenMinusTests · 15/08/2021 17:28

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AccidentallyOnPurpose · 15/08/2021 17:30

You can just keep it short and simple "not right now" and turn it back on them. You can make it into a joke, a friend of mine refers to herself as a "single pringle". Grin It might come up naturally in a group conversation and you can just slide it in alongside other comments.

We get quite a few students every year, and to be fair the relationship status doesn't really come up or comes up a lot later in the year. To begin with it'll be stuff about the summer holidays, whether your local, about your course, what did you study at uni, what year group you like, what brought you to teaching etc.

It's also entirely up to you whether you "do" the staff room or not. Some people do,some don't. Some eat alone, some gather up in a classroom or outside if the weather is nice, some eat in their "team", some go to the shops.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 15/08/2021 17:32

@FreekStar2 bloody hell. Hoping you're not a teacher with that lack of understanding about autism 🙄 It's a superpower.

Jent13c · 15/08/2021 17:32

I'm not a teacher but I train student nurses. I can't see myself asking that question unless the student was leading into it but you have to think that this relationship is a bit different to two colleagues, usually they are a little younger and less experienced in the day to day routines that make up the working world. And also I am assessing that student the entire time, the way they interact with staff including senior staff, how they speak to patients (or children in your case), if they call in sick or just don't turn up, timekeeping etc etc. I need to make sure that if this student is going to be my colleague some day that they would be thr kind of team member I would want to work with.

If I did ask you as part of chit chat and you replied 'no one at the moment' I would assume you didn't want to discuss it further and handled it professionally and would it no way judge you for being single at that time. I have no idea that you've never had a relationship or that you find them difficult and if you didn't offer that information that would be the end of the conversation about that.

If you said 'you shouldn't be asking that, mind your business' ill admit i would be quite taken aback. I'll agree it might have been inappropriate to ask and wouldn't mark you down for the interaction but the fact that you spoke to someone in such a tone might just make me be less generous with my feedback. I guess you may have reasonable adjustments in place with your asd however which would prevent a situation like that being detrimental to you but If it is anything similar to our students, how you get on with people makes a big difference to them offering you a job at the end.

Clydesider · 15/08/2021 17:34

Could yiu just say 'not right now' when you're asked if you're in a relationship, then ask the same question back to the other person. Something like 'and how about you?'

spotcheck · 15/08/2021 17:39

I don't know but I feel like saying I have autism so I found relationships harder than most people

I think just " nope, not seeing anyone just now- how about you" is sufficient

MagpieCastle · 15/08/2021 17:50

Perhaps something brief like ‘no, I’m not in a relationship at the moment’.

Most people will leave it right there and go on to talk about something else. Whether neurodiverse or neurotypical, a lot of the people meeting in those early days will be nervous or anxious and will fall back on what they feel are safe standard questions (So, where are you from? What did you study?) it’ll be social questions to establish a conversation/connection more than an interview. You can answer fairly quickly without details and then bat the question back to the speaker with ‘and what about you?’

I hope the PGCE goes really well and once the first week or so is over interactions will feel more comfortable.

tunnocksteacake97 · 15/08/2021 17:55

Hi OP, I've just completed my PGCE and I had the exact same worries as you. I don't have ASD but I'm neurodivergent and have some trauma from past relationships so was concerned about colleagues asking about my relationship status. I can truthfully say that I haven't been asked that question during my entire training year, even in a department that has a reputation for gossip and chat! If you are asked, I would follow the advice of previous posters and have a stock answer prepared such as 'no, not at the moment' and then ask them about themselves and their family, for example.

If your relationships with your colleagues progress to a level where you feel comfortable talking about your ASD then you could explain that you find relationships harder than most people but at the beginning and when you're just having general 'getting to know you' conversations with people I think it's ok just to say 'not right now'.

Also, not to do with the question you asked but I would really encourage you, if you feel comfortable doing so, to be open with your support roles (uni tutor, mentor, senior leadership team) about any struggles you are having that might be a result of your ASD as that ensures you'll have the right support in place. I really struggled at the start with my ADHD and tried to mask it for the first couple of weeks but eventually I shared some struggles with my mentor and she was brilliant and put me in touch with helpful people around the school.

Best of luck and hope it all goes well!

Heynonymouse · 15/08/2021 18:02

@FreekStar2

I'd be worried about your ability to be a successful teacher if you have ASD. Good relationships, especially with pupils and parents are intrinsic to the job. The ability to read other people's emotions and social nuances, have insight and empathy with others, pick up on very subtle clues to how your students are feeling etc. are key to success.
I'm a primary school teacher and autistic, as are at least two of my colleagues. All three of us are in leadership positions (key stage or core subject) whilst still teaching full-time, so hardly unsuccessful.

Yes, I have to think carefully sometimes about the way I phrase things and I've had to apologise in the past for being too abrupt, but being autistic doesn't stop me having 'insight and empathy for others'!

If anything, in my case I'd say the opposite is true. We've a very high percentage of SEND children at school, many with ASD or ADHD, and I sometimes find it much easier to see past their quirks and challenges to the fabulous children they are than my NT colleagues. I also appreciate just how hard it is for them to 'maintain' in school - because I find it tricky too!

cockeyedoptimist · 15/08/2021 18:18

Just coming on to echo Delphiniumblue.
I think it’s highly unlikely anyone will ask you directly. It’s much more likely things will naturally come out in conversation ( if you want it to) . Please don’t worry about ‘revealing’ you haven’t had a relationship . Just share a little about what you have done out of school hours if you want to .
Good luck with your PGCE - hope it goes well

arcof · 15/08/2021 18:22

I've literally never asked someone this question in my whole working life and I'm not a teacher but not sure it would be any different.

Either people volunteer the information (oh me and my wife /husband/ partner did this last weekend) or it never comes up in which case you just assume they're private about it. You can also tell by looking at hands and rings!

Don't worry, it's very unlikely. And if they do, just say I'm single, and change the subject.

cansu · 15/08/2021 18:23

Just say no, not at the moment and then move on to something else. You don't need to give any other detail. I am going to say now though that being a teacher involves lots of social communication and building relationships with colleagues, parents and of course children. You will need to manage lots of tricky conversations.

Heyha · 15/08/2021 18:48

I'm just trying to think about more general tips/things to be ready for staffroom as the relationship thing has been covered really well by others.

People are really set in their ways about where they sit etc, it's true, most people aren't rude about it but there's always one or two. You can preempt this by cheerfully saying 'are we ok sitting here, we've heard lots of things about staffroom chairs?' because remember EVERY person in the room has been the student or newbie and had that same worry on their first few days. You will probably get a few anecdotes relating to that as responses. I still ask whenever I visit a new school although with slightly less care about what the answer is 😂.

Remember anyone that tries to engage in chitchat that you might find a bit uncomfortable is likely to be quite a nice person who is trying to make you as, initially at least, a visitor feel welcome. The same people talk to student teachers who also talk to supply, people on interview etc. So although you might find this tricky to navigate please try to remember their motivation is almost certainly in 'doing the right thing' and being kind. Some people just don't speak to anyone who isn't permanent. It's weird and isn't usual but it does happen, be aware of that and try not to be offended if you do come across one of these sorts.

Always take your own food, drink, cup, cutlery etc when you start and suss out how things work once you've settled, especially at the minute it's completely usual to do so (in the past I'd use any old skanky mug and raid the canteen for cutlery etc but at the moment even I'm bringing everything from home). One less thing to worry about.

Conversation-wise nobody minds students/guest/visitors giving brief answers with a smile and as others have said it's great if you can ask the other person a question as a reply. After the summer holidays the only real question is 'what do you get up to/did you get away/did you enjoy the heatwave?' sort of stuff.
As a PGCE you will get asked endlessly what your subject is, which uni, what's your commute like, that kind of thing. Unlikely to get a grilling about your personal life beyond 'got any plans for the weekend?' until you're well settled. If you want to join in general chit chat here it's usually the headlines and sport things and then people talking about children/partners/pets. And work. Try to avoid talking about kids or staff even if they make quite an impression on you as there's always some context missing when you've not long been there. Have had to have a professional conversation with student teachers occasionally when they've been spouting off about a lesson or teacher or something unnecessarily, but you don't sound like you would be doing that anyway- watch out for any fellow students who might do it though and try not to get dragged into the conversation by accident.

Having said that, if someone says 'blimey, 7C are an interesting bunch aren't they?' there's absolutely no harm in saying 'oh I'm glad it's not just me that thought that!' or something similarly generic.

You will pick up the general rhythm of a staffroom fairly quickly if you do try to use it, it's important to have breaks and I do think having friendly relationships with other staff helps students to settle in even though you are going to be very busy. If the kids see people saying hello to you in the corridor in a friendly rather than just politely that kind of subtle 'kudos' does help them see you as a more integral part of the school. I often have to encourage my science PGCEs to come to the staffroom with me or they'd be sitting working in the prep room all day every day and never get to meet anyone else.

therocinante · 15/08/2021 18:57

@enhancement

I've never had a relationship which my ASD my have something to do with it, I just feel awkward talking about it. I don't know but I feel like saying I have autism so I found relationships harder than most people
That's fair enough! You can just go breezy with "Oh, single and not looking!" and then change the conversation - they'll be unlikely to ask any follow up questions, so you won't need to explain.

If you did mention a partner, they might follow up with "Oh what do the do" or similar, but if someone just casually said they were single and happy with it, I'd leave it there or say "Ooh I don't blame you" or something similar - I wouldn't ask why Smile

(Just trying to give a rundown of how I think that would pan out generally!)

spooney21 · 15/08/2021 19:13

Having been a student several times and completed professional placements, I don't recall anyone asking my relationship status directly. Just keep it basic though 'I'm single at the minute'.

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