To think DP should get a new place with me

[littlepieces]

DP owns a flat with his brother (25) who he lived with for a couple of years until the brother lost his at the start of the pandemic. Unable to pay the mortgage, the brother went to live at home with their parents in the suburbs, and I moved in with DP, paying for the brother's share of the mortgage.

18 months later, the brother finally has a (remote) job and wants to move back in asap because he's bored at home and Tinder isn't as good there... Their family's expectation is that I'll simply move out, back into a houseshare, and the brother moves back in and continues to live with DP...

DP wants to leave and rent somewhere with me. However, in December they're expecting a huge service charge bill for essential works on the building, circa £40,000 that they don't really have. There could be more costs too. He says he doesn't want to be paying more to rent somewhere when he has this bill to pay. (For us to rent somewhere similar would be more than double the current cost of mortgage and bills).

Aibu to be pretty gutted I have to move back into a random flatshare?

He could always sublet his room and you get a place together?

Ask why he is not suggesting this.

If he really doesn’t want to rent, there are options for co-working spaces.

Again, he is not suggesting this.

It comes down to ‘if he wanted to, he would’, and he doesn’t want to.

Are they able to sublet though if cladding is the issue? Is it considered unsafe?

ultimately he would happily see you go into a house share with randoms than continue playing house with you.

House shares with "randoms" are a very normal type of accommodation, he's not chucking her out destitute onto the streets.

@Lockheart

ultimately he would happily see you go into a house share with randoms than continue playing house with you.

House shares with "randoms" are a very normal type of accommodation, he's not chucking her out destitute onto the streets.

I know…..I’ve lived in many

But however a nice flat share it is with ‘professionals’ and house plants and a friendly cat- he still would rather she lived there, rather than with him.

@Lockheart

ultimately he would happily see you go into a house share with randoms than continue playing house with you.

House shares with "randoms" are a very normal type of accommodation, he's not chucking her out destitute onto the streets.

Agree. He's her boyfriend, not her dad. She's a working adult. She's had many months living at a cheaper rate because her boyfriend's brother lost his job - luckily the living situation benefited both of them - but now circumstances have changed and she has to adapt. Boyfriend can't just click his fingers and absolve himself of the financial and other responsibilities of his flat.

House shares aren't everyone's first choice but they're fine and maybe this will encourage OP to save for her own place.

I think you need to be SURE that DP WANTS to live with you. His honesty in that is very important.

I get it's a small 2 bdrm (I've rented in London, very familiar with the shoeboxes!) but IF DP genuinely wants to live with you, there are several options that people have already laid out.

Where you all work depends on what you do. But it would seem to me that it's in ALL your best interests to make it work. You carry on paying what you've been paying (as it seems you thought it was reasonable & less than a room share - but check out the 'going rate' for roomshares in poky boxes)

The brother keep splitting the mortgage & bills as they were pre you - if they're both still happy with that and they save your rent towards the cladding costs.

Accommodating one more person WFH isn't actually that difficult if you think outside the box.

You benefit living with DP & cheaper rent than a house share

DP benefits living with you & money towards the cladding

DB benefits not living with parents & money towards cladding costs.

ALL you have to do is be flexible around working space & general living space

It's worth it to ALL of you?!

Cladding bloody well should be paid for by the developers/insurers/govt for approving the cladding...any/all if the above, but not the owners who bought in good faith.

I presume the brothers are signed up to all groups fighting this??

@Paq

Yes, he’s definitely not her dad

Because no decent father would use her to keep a mortgage paid, then tell her to make other arrangements. No actual partner or friend would do that, unless they were a complete user. It’s a very big step in a relationship and covid gave him the opportunity for them to play house due to convenience and solving an equal problem (he needs the mortgage paid, she’s paying rent anyway, what’s the big deal?)
…but now the pandemic is over, it’s clear this was basically a mutual business agreement, not ‘moving in together’.

This is the problem here. OP has been very convenient to pay him and his brother’s mortgage, and wild speculation- but I’d still bet money- has probably been doing more domestic drudge around the house. But now he doesn’t want to live with her…because of a cladding bill…?

There are very clear workarounds so they could live together. Subletting his place for one, squeezing in for the short term. He is not suggesting these, which clouds how committed he is to their relationship. A conversation needs to be had between them to make sure they are on the same page.

[quote Suprima]@Paq

Yes, he’s definitely not her dad

Because no decent father would use her to keep a mortgage paid, then tell her to make other arrangements. No actual partner or friend would do that, unless they were a complete user. It’s a very big step in a relationship and covid gave him the opportunity for them to play house due to convenience and solving an equal problem (he needs the mortgage paid, she’s paying rent anyway, what’s the big deal?)
…but now the pandemic is over, it’s clear this was basically a mutual business agreement, not ‘moving in together’.

This is the problem here. OP has been very convenient to pay him and his brother’s mortgage, and wild speculation- but I’d still bet money- has probably been doing more domestic drudge around the house. But now he doesn’t want to live with her…because of a cladding bill…?

There are very clear workarounds so they could live together. Subletting his place for one, squeezing in for the short term. He is not suggesting these, which clouds how committed he is to their relationship. A conversation needs to be had between them to make sure they are on the same page.[/quote]
Equally, you could say OP has "used" him by benefitting from very cheap rent, as she has said herself.

No-one has exploited anyone here. Both parties have benefitted from the arrangement.

Well @Suprima if he's really a selfish, exploitative git who domestically enslaved OP (and I think you're speculating there) she's better off without him. Which still leaves her back in a house share

I have to agree it's been a mutually convenient arrangement, not a progression of the relationship.

Actually that's an interesting point, aside from the issue. It hasn't really felt like a progression of the relationship which I think it should. Living together has just been a means to an end.